The sovereign who waited between worlds entertained himself with the child Hope for a while. He taunted her about her claims of evil powers, and heard all kinds of stories about her father's exploits.

"It's not that I don't believe you child, but I don't think you understand whom you are dealing with here. I have been to many worlds and seen many forms of darkness. Yours just doesn't stack up to the rest."

"If you are so powerful why are you still here?"

"I am waiting for the right moment. I am watching the time trails; my time is coming very soon."

He looked across the curvature of space to a point in the distance. He could see a man in a robe, surrounded by light walking toward them.

"And here it comes now!"

Eli carried a stone that glowed green. The look on his face said he wasn't too happy about meeting with this world-jumper, but he also wore a look of determination. "I can use you in my universe."

"Is that so…And what do I get in return?"

"The grateful thanks of a warm-hearted people?

"Uh, not quite good enough."

"To see the bad guys pay?"

"Closer."

"To get out of here, and after you help me I'll see that you get back to your own struggle," he said, knowing he had him now.

"And what about the girl," he turned to Hope, "You want to come with this holy man?"

"She doesn't get a choice in the matter," said Eli sternly.

"OH you think so, do you!" I'll get my father to…to.."

Forget it Hope. You have a date with your mother.

Eli then whisked Hope off to the forest where she first met her real mother so long ago. Gabrielle was shocked and pleased to find her. But the reunion was not so great for Xena- now that she knew that Hope was going to kill her son, she had her work cut out for her. (But that story will never be told, because that past can not be undone.)

Eli, and the Hercules look-alike, joined the group at the castle. No one was the wiser. Eli sent him off to contact Xena and see what she was up to- with a warning, "Don't trust her for a moment Herc, she has plans for you as well."

"I’ll be on my guard," he said, "and I have this weapon if she tries anything on me," he said, pointing to the small device at his belt.

Eli then set off to find Gabriel. The preparations looked good, but he wanted to make sure a certain uninvited guest would show up for the festivities.

A FEW DAYS BEFORE...

"Pick something else," Livia's tone brooked no argument.

"But, I like that name." The girl whined.

"No, it's too much like my own and I have no peers. Pick something else or I will do it for you."

The girl crossed her arms and pouted. "Fine, I don't care, do whatever. You're just like everyone else, always bossing me around."

The Champion of Rome rolled her eyes. Ungrateful brat. "Very well. Your new name will be...Bellona. Yes, I like that. You'll be Bella for short."

The girl mouthed the name a few times and shrugged. "Okay."

Livia grinned, "It's settled. Come Bella, let me show you the splendors of Rome."

And the two set off to procure some debauchery for the now twenty something young woman.

THE PRESENT TIME...

"Do you know what this is, Bella?"

The young woman shrugged. "Looks like some sort of circle thing. What is it?"

Livia pursed her lips. "It's a chakram. One of three apparently. The only person who's ever wielded it was - "

"Xena." Livia raised her eyebrow at the girl's interruption. "I know who Xena is Livia. I know what she is to you, what she is to my mother, what she is to my father. I know lots of things." This last bit was said with just a hint of smugness.

The Champion of Rome itched to slap the irratating smirk off that brat's face. 'Patience Livia, Patience.'

"How do you know so much, you were only around Xena for a very short time. You were still a child."

The girl shrugged. "I just know." She turned a calculating eye on the current Empress of Rome. "Do you know what it's for?"

Livia rolled her eyes. "For killing people."

Bellona laughed. "Well yeah, but do you know what else it's for?"

A careless shrug was all she received in answer. She took her time in answering, wanting to draw out the moment. Now, all the plans were falling into place.

"It opens a door. It's also the key to Xena's soul."

Livia slowly turned her face to look at the young woman. "Her soul, you say?"

Bella nodded, "Mmm-hm. Lots of people want control of it. Lots of people want the power that opening that door will bring. Lots of people want lots of things but the only one who can do both, is my father."

"Think of what you could do for Rome if you had it. I know what's in your heart, you want to restore the Empire to it's former glory and then some. My father can make it happen, for a small service in return."

The daughter of Xena curled her lip in disgust. "Not interested. I will not be a pawn in anyone's game any more. I make my own destiny, I decide who I will spare and who I will slay. It is of no consequence what the machinations of your father are."

Bella yelped as a hand circled her neck with frightening speed and began to exert pressure. "And you would do well to remember that I am not a fool, Bella. I see through your schemes. You're still an amateur, girl, you are no match for my cunning and my intelligence. Now get out of my sight before I decide to take you back to that barn and your billy goat boyfriend."

The girl scurried away, biting back frustration. So close, she almost had her. Time was running out. Dahok needed that third chakram.

Livia cast a furtive glance at the retreating girl. She shook her head. Idiot. To think she wouldn't see through her thinly veiled attempts at recruiting.

The Champion of Rome brought the chakram that hung at her side up to the light. The key to Xena's soul? Highly unlikely. Still...one couldn't be too careful. Especially when it came to Xena.

Livia walked out to the balcony of the main room and stared off into the darkness. "If this thing really is the key to some door and to Xena's soul, she'll be wanting it and badly. But I've seen no sign of her since our last encounter. What are you up to...Mother?"

Zeus finds himself bored... beckons to Hera and makes his way down to earth.

'I did enjoy that rum we found in Minya's room that time, how about we go find her stash, and get, what do they call it my dear... BLITZED' Hera says with a smile on her face.

They zap their way over to where the group is staying, and find that Minya hasn't been drinking much lately, so her stash is fully loaded and ready to be drunk.

Grabbing a bottle each, they make their way over to the local hot tub. Finding it empty, they strip off and hop in...

Well my dearest of dear wives, i am starting to see the effects of this rum, that entices the mortals so.. there is a fuzziness in my head, that makes me feel good.

In walks Minya, and pours some more hot water in, not even looking at the other people in there, her mind on other things, and strips off and hops in herself.

Hera mutters to herself about how it's too hot now and how inconsiderate people are and stumbles outside for some air.

Zeus hands Minya some rum.... 'Looks like you need some of this old girl. Dahok for the inlaws can't be fun'.. Minya glances up and sees Zeus in the hot tub in all his glory. ' I.. I.. I didn't see you there' stuuters Minya, trying not to look at the one place she can't stop herself from looking.

Zeus hands Minya some rum, she drinks from it deeply. *Insert dirty visual sex scene here*


And then Hera walks back in. 'You're always ... inserting yourself into mortal affairs, aren't you?'.. Huffs Hera, eyeing what is going on never the less. And while you're at it. You two have a Peeping Tom you know' and points to a window of the hut, to see Eli's blushing face, disappear from view.

'OH ELI!.' Minya yells out. "I always knew you had a thing for sexy ol' me, and couldn't admit it. Now i know you want this booty' As drunken Minya jumps out of the hot tub, runs out naked, and drags Eli back in.

Seeing that Zeus knows he has majorly pissed Hera off, he figures out a way to make her happy again. He knows her deepest fantasy and decides to make it come true. 'Her my darling, this one's for you' As he grabs Eli by the back of the neck and bends Eli over.. Eli realises he has been prayin' to the wrong.............'OH MY GOD'

*insert gratuitous male sex scene here*

And as Zeus climaxes he accidently lets go 2 lightening bolts.

One hits Minya and the other hits Eli.

All that is left is 4 kidneys, Minya's head, and Eli's eyeballs.


'My darling Zeus. And that is why, during our love making, it makes me ever so glad I'm not mortal'..Hera slurs. As they go back up to Olympus to ravish each other, and pass out from too much rum.

Paulina declined dite's offer to be whooshed to Athens, deciding to walk it. Whooshing gave her a tummy-ache & made her ears pop. Part-way to Athens, thinking about her late love Minya, Pauly didn't see or hear the screaming woman approach until they collided.

"HELLLLL-llllppPPPPP us pul-leeeeze!" cried the collided woman atop Pauly.

Uh, help me instead, Pauly thought, cuz this lady atop her was heavy & squeezing the air out of her.

"MMmmmpph, please get off me and maybe I can help you." Regretting the latter part as soon as she said it. Rule 1- don't offer help when you're a warrior wanna-be not a warrior know-ya be.

Took a lot of energy but the still screaming woman lifted herself off Pauly. "Eyes! Two flying evil eyes have attacked my village! They're attacking people! Two eyes from Hades! C-c-can you help us?"

Pauly reached out her hand and said, "Yeah, gimme the rum you been guzzlin' & i'm sure them mean 'ol eyes will close shut & vanish." Then the nameless woman- who we'll call Ann Nonomus- pulled on Pauly's sleeve, taking her to the nearby village of Pottyidea, where, sure enough, they both saw a pair of sinister looking eyes flying at and attacking the locals.

The eyes would trip people up & make them fall. They would lift light though dangerous items (scissors, small knives, sour grapes, etc) and toss them at the villagers, making them bleed or worse, annoyed. Pauly hadn't witnessed such helplessness since Minya accidently ate some of Joxer's radish stew. But what was with these eyes? Were they just ticked because they had no glasses to wear? Had they made Visine, the God of Unbloodshot Eyes angry?

Paulina was about to suggest taking a boat oar and bat 'em back to hell when who should come riding up on her horsie-

"Hey Gabrielle, didja round up all the mirrors and take 'em to the end of town like i asked ya to?" Xena inquired of Pauly.

"Um, I'm Pauly, Xena, and I need to tell you about Minya, she'-"

"Yeah, I talked to Minya for ya, cuz I know you talked to Hower. I can do sensitive chats, too, Gabby."

Pauly knew the precious still had a screw loose, imagining that she was Gabrielle. Well, it looked like Xena hadn't slept in ages, was probably running a fever and needed real food, not that beef jerky stuff that Xena liked buying at those horse stations off the freepathway.

"So, Gabby, don't use my chakram to clean fish anymore, ok?."

"Xena, look at those flying eyes in the village. You gotta stop them!"

Xena jumped off Argo quickly and grabbed Pauly. "Gabby! The vision! That forky snowy mountain near where we get crucified- that's it over in the distance!"

Pauly sighed, looking in the distance all directions one saw nothing but wheat fields. The evil eyes then flew over them and buzzed near Xena, who caught one and tossed it away to fly again. "I told ya Gabby, I don't have lice!" But then, in a moment of clarity (Pauly hoped), "Them eyes, Gabby, those are Eli's eyes. I knew he had eyes for you but this is going too far. Gabby, I'm heading to Chin to kill the Green Hornet er I mean Green Dragon. Don't follow me, ya follow? I mean you understand?"

Pauly knew Eli's eyes had been missing since the hot tub massacre. But Eli wouldn't still live through evil eyes. These eyes must be possessed by some demon. This she told to Xena. who murmered, "Yeah, Gabby, must be a demon from India. Remember that demon who possessed you when you thought you were a Debby er I mean Devi? Yep, gotta be."

"So um, refresh my memory," Pauly replied, playing along with Xena's delusion, "how'd we get the demon out of Ga- me?"

"Well, it was Eli who cast it out. Gabby, you should know that." Pauly muttered a "doh!" to herself, knowing they couldn't get dead Eli to cast out the demon from his possessed eyes.

"I'll tell ya what'll help, Gabrielle, let's go fishin! Well, it may not help but it can't hurt!" laughed Xena.

Then- "Helping is what I do, Xena, hurting Gabrielle is your job. Hurting this woman you mistook for dead Gabrielle is your job. Hurting this eyeball plagued village is your job, Xena. The jinn have told me to come here to make the eyes into pupils of the Light...you get it, "pupils", ha ha!" said the woman who suddenly appeared on the scene. To Pauly she smiled and said, "I'm Najara, I'm here to help. As compared to Xena whose job is only to hurt."

Xena's tiredness did not make her forget Najara. "You bitch, Najara! My job is gonna be to hurt you!" To which she used an ungodly amount of speed in taking her sword and cutting Najara's head clean off before she could even move.

"Xena!" Pauly screamed. "How could you kill this innocent woman who came to help us? Are you evil Xena again?!"

As Pauly held her arms out wide in frustration, Xena giggled and said, "But Gabrielle, the day is repeating itself! Tomorrow Najara will be good as new & Joxer will bring us goose eggs as he always does. I jutst gotta figure out wh-" Xena never finished the sentence. Pauly had snuck up behind her & clobbered Xena with a shovel. She had to knock Xena out, let her catch some sleep, and hopefully be miles away before she awoke. Xena was too dangerous without sleep.

"But the eyes," cried Ann Nonomus, "they've started a fire by rubbing a stick between themselves. We need help in killing them!"

Pauly never seen such pathetic people. Why hadn't they thrown a tarp over the eyes or batted them with an oar or shoot arrows at them. Why were they so wimpy? Had Salmoneous been their mayor? Pauly grabbed an oar and started off to womp some flying demonic eyes.

The eyes had now jumped down the dress of a teenage village girl who was shrieking, "You dirty old eyes, get your nasty lashes off me!" As the eyes darted out the bottom of the girl's dress, Pauly caught them in mid-air with a strong swing of the oar. The eyes went high, went low and then- and then- the eyes made conatct onto the back of someone's head. The eyes were now afixed to the back of that head. Whose head was it?

"Get off your stinkin eyes off a-me!" shouted Gabrielle/Oliva/Bella, swinging her arms backwards to try to loosen the grip of the eyes on the back of her head.

But the eyes had a vision. A vision to live where they were now. Eyes without a face? Nope, a face started growing around the eyes! Another pair of arms and legs began to sprout from the body. Bella moaned in agony (or was it delight?)- Dahok had never promised there'd be days like this! "I will take over my rear side!" she growled. "I'm the meanest, most powerful demon here!"

The mouth beneath the rearview eyes now spoke, "I am Eyedrijit. Third cousin, once removed to Indrajit. This body is mine. You, Bella, daughter of Dahok, are under my control. We are returning to India. Eli once thought he had cast me away by destroying my body. But my spirit pursued him everywhere. I saw the chance to live again through his eyes after the hot-tub massacre. Now I am whole again."

"Fool!" shouted Bella, "why didn't you possess another body? Why possess dismembered eyes? The odds of you getting onto the back of a head- I don't get it."

"Eli's eyes are powerful. With these eyes attached to a head, I can burn anything simply by looking at it. Observe that soon-to-be-burnt village." Eyedrijit stared at the village- it's occupants fleeing- but no fire ignited. "I don't get it, there should have been a big fire just now." he muttered in disappointment.

"Ha ha, " laughed Pauly, "I bet your powers have been neutralized cause you & Bella share the same body. Neither of you two are powerful now."

So it was true. Bella no longer had any powers as long as Eyedrijit was a back-head passenger. The two began fighting one another with their respective arms, thinking this would lead to one victor, but it only wore their single body down. They did agree on one thing- head first to Gregor's kingdom in hope of a cure for this.

Later-

The village gathered round Pauly as a pooped Xena slept. Ann Nonomus stepped to the head of the crowd. "Paulina Warrior Woman, we thank you. You have saved Pottyidea. As a token of our gratitude, we'd like you to have a horse in your journey onward." Someone brought a horse to Pauly. "We call her Fargo," continued Ann, "we hope she serves you well." Thunderous applause for Pauly.

"Aw shucks, I just did.." she started to say 'what I thought you people should have done on your own had there been a brain in this village' but settled with..."what I thought would help. Thanks for Fargo, my feet will thank ya too."

Then, as Pauly was starting to leave, a younger blonde woman from the village approached her and said, "Let me come with you. I won't stay home. I don't belong there, Pauly I'm not the little girl that my parents wanted me to be. You wouldn't understand."

Still smarting from the loss of Minya but knowing Mins wouldn't want her to live a life alone, she told the sweet lass, "You know, where I'm headed, there'll be trouble. Heck, it'll probably be me causin the trouble. But hop on Fargo, and we'll see how things go. Oh, by the way, ya gotta name?"

"Scabrielle..."

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was...Paulina!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: xenacrazed,

"Well," thought Cupid, as he watched Paulina and Scabrielle ride away on Fargo, "I guess my work with that girl is done!" He smiled broadly. Scabrielle had been easy to hit with his arrow...she'd been languidly gazing into Putricus's eyes--when suddenly she went away for a drink of water and her eyes fell on Paulina who hadn't seen her. SCORE! Cupid shot an arrow, and cured her of Putricus's puppy dog lavishings for good and all! And Paulina? She was no longer in danger of drinking herself into a stupor every night mourning over Minya, Warrior Woman.
Minya had lived her life to the fullest and died in fine style thought Cupid. How many others could say that they died while doing the lurrrrrve thing? Not many. She'd gone out with a bang. He knew she was enjoying herself and Joxer in her little cottage with the rum well. He smiled. All was fair in love and war.
"Now for the REAL challenge!" He braced himself. He knew Dite's Afro had recruited none other than Draco for her mission...well, good enough, he can do that, thought Cupid...he figured Xena needed another woman to take her mind off her current confusion. And....women who loved women were SO much fun to watch!
Now, now, Cupid, he thought, giggling. Behave.
The perfect suspect was now hovering over Xena's unconscious form, which Paulina had left in the road now. With a knife. Hmmm, thought Cupid. If anyone is in need of some love poo....
She was short, slight but very wiry and tough. SHe had long flaming red hair and HUGE bosoms that would make BOTH Dite's Afro and Mavican seethe in jealousy. Cupid grinned, thinking of Mavican. She was already so jealous of Dite's Afro's breasts--wait til she got a load of these!
Cupid knew her, had watched her for awhile. Her name was Drusilla, and she was the lost sister of Scabrielle. She'd run away a long time ago, in search of Minya, hoping she could recruit the warrior woman into killing Xena with her and taking over. Then again she also wanted to kill Paulina and have Minya for herself which wasn't nice. No--the time had come. Cupid was needed.
He pulled out his trusty bow and arrow--and with nimble fingers, hooked up a bow and....
THWACK!
Perfect! Cupid sighed, smiling in ecstasy. The look on Drusilla's face was....priceless. The arrow disappeared just as quickly as it penetrated her...and she dropped the knife, looked down at Xena and fell madly, passionately in love.
"Oh!" she breathed. "What have I been MISSING all my life?"
Now for the final touch! Cupid focused on Xena...and winked. Xena woke up out of her unconscious stupor.
"What th--Gabrielle?" Pity, thought Cupid. She was still so confused! Well...nothing like a little love poo to clarify things a little! He watched happily as Drusilla lovingly helped Xena to her feet.
"Are you all right? Oh my love! Who DID this to you?" Drusilla cried.
"I am not 'your love,'" Xena snarled, pulling away from her. "I--"
Turn around, Xena my sweet, thought Cupid. Eeeeeasy does it. Turn around....
YES!
Xena turned at just the right moment and....THWACK!
"Oh my gods...what?" Xena shook herself off as the arrow disappeared. SHe looked at Drusilla...and....
Cupid grinned and with a flick of his finger started futuristic music that only they and himself could hear. It was Tsaichovski's Romeo and Juliet ballet, the balcony scene. As the music played...Xena and Drusilla came together...and as the rest of the town watched in fascination, they began to dance, ballet style, together. Xena held Drusilla by the hand, and Drusilla did some pirouettes--the look on Xena's face was pure ecstasy. Then Drusilla spun away from her, and Xena spun away from her...and the two of them ran into each other's arms, Xena lifting Drusilla up and spinning her around. The crowd cheered uproareously. Then the dancing stopped, and the two of them just fell into each other's arms, kissing passionately.
"Awww!" Ann Nonomous said tearfully, wiping away a few falling drops. The town clapped again, and Xena lifted Drusilla off the ground. Drusilla's head fell back languidly.
"Xena," she said in a husky voice, "Forget Gabrielle! Forget the third chakram! Forget Alti! It's me that you want!"
"Yes," Xena said softly.
"No," said a voice behind Cupid.
He whirled around. PERFECT! He rubbed his little hands together. She couldn't see him after all. He was wearing his invisibility sheild.
OOOOO, Gotta love me! Cupid thought, giggling. Although why I never thwacked Alti in the FIRST place is beyond me. Too many other things on my mind I guess. Like Ares. I HAD to thwack him. He was getting too ruthless. Just cuz he's a god after all don't mean he can't be thwacked once in a blue moon! Cupid grinned, remembering how he'd nailed Ares just when he'd seen Joxer that one time--and later Minya. That was so funny! And in the end...it had proven very beneficial.
Cupid smiled as he stepped back and watched Alti.
"I may not have my powers anymore, Xxxxxxena," Alti hissed to no one in particular, "But I can still make a difference in your little world! Ohhhhh, I have big plans indeed. I'm going to get my powers b--"
Thwack.
Alti gasped. But there she was. Standing within eyesight.
Dite's Afro. Cupid giggled. Oooo she's gonna kill me! But I couldn't help it, he thought. I--I HAD to do it, I had to!
Alti's face melted, her big doe-like eyes just staring at the Goddess of Love, looking so sexy in her Afro and her huge bosoms. Alti stepped back, just staring.
"What," she finally said, "What is happening to me?"
Cupid couldn't help himself, he roared with laughter. Dite's Afro heard him of course, and sighed in exasperation. All right, he thought, I'll be good, Mom.
I'll get you for this, She spoke into his mind.
Oh come on, Mom, you know you've always had a thing for Alti. Even if she does wear rabbits on her head....
You're just lucky I'm into the love poo, sonny boy. Otherwise....
Come on, Mom. Isn't this part of your plan?
AS IF! Me and ALTI? I'd sooner bed smelly old Draco than the likes of her! But all right, she sighed into his mind.I AM the Goddess of Love after all. But you could have done something better with her you know! There's a goat standing over there....
Mommmm! Cupid whined, Bestiality...ick! Even Alti I wouldn't wish that on!
So why pick on little ol' me?
Because you're the Goddess of Love!
Oh--whatever! Dite's Afro sighed. But I am GOING to make you pay for this, you unruly son of my bro!
Hey! I could thwack you. I thwacked him...
DON'T YOU DARE!
All right...no worries...just a thought, Cupid said contritely. Anyway...I need to be going now. There's ahhhh, someone ELSE that needs a little of the thwacking action.
If you're thinking about Livia, she's not interested. She has her own plan. I'd leave her alone with it.
What, so she can slaughter more innocents?
No...she hasn't slaughtered anyone in awhile. Something tells me she's up to something. Well...now that Xena has found Drusilla maybe she'll be better able to handle her lil spawn. Dite's Afro turned to him then and grinned. Nice work, son.
Thanks, Mom!
Ugh, well I better get this over with! Actually, Alti is kind of sexy....I just need to teach her how to dress! Maybe this won't be so bad. Dite's Afro grinned.
Well...ok Mom, I gotta go now!
You do that!
Enjoy!
Shaddep!
Cupid grinned and turned away to go to his next mission. He knew Dite's Afro was tough but down inside she found Alti sexy. And she'd do anything to instill that no more war and nonsense and crap hit the world for awhile.

Smiling at a job well done, he whooshed away to Rome, in search of Livia.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Cupid,

Night-time in Olympus. Crickets chirp. Fireflies light up. dite's afro talks in her sleep.

"Uh...why not...what..if.....draco, seize...seize scrolls...seize..."

"dite wake up." Hera insisted, standing next to dite's ambrosiabed. "Your father has gas again. I need you to go to the future and bring back some antacids."

dite, smelling the problem- "Gag with me a lightning bolt! Just don't light a match, I'm too perfect to die- ever! I woulda slept through this aerial sewer if ya hadn't woke me up. Duh!"

"You owe me for dispatching Hope. Since you blend in best with the loonies of the future, you're the most logical choice to go."

"Hey! I resemble that remark! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Brb!" Still holding her nose, dite whooshed to the future.
...

"I have many pills." said the store attendant. "There's a blue light special on Gas Ex today."

dite found the pills. She would have to pay with the 5 finger discount, of course. As she was leaving, she also "borrowed" a nice little home computer. Gods never steal, just "borrow" from mortals who should be thrilled to have gods borrow from them.
...

The whoosh home was weird. It was totally untubular. It was as if the whoosh clutch was fried.
...

The palace was quiet. dite couldn't smell Mr.Stinky Zeus' fart bomb any more. What caused the gas, dite pondered. A result of the hot tub orgy? Or had pop made it with an alien species namely Kang and Kodos, those slobbering aliens who once crashed into the treehouse of Eros?

dite entered Zeus' room only to find two women she'd never seen before. Must be new maids.

"Any of ya'll seen Hera or Zeus?"

The women looked at one another. One lady approached dite with a serious look on her face.

"xc, you know very well that I am Hera, and that Ame is Zeus. You shouldn't bother us as we discuss the Race."

dite laughed at this so hard, the grilled cheese ambrosia sandwhich she had had for lunch spewed out her nostrils. "Yo dudess, you're a laugh a second. You being Hera and that chick being old man Zeus. Now, really, where are they?"

The lady Zeus- ha!- shouted at dite, "xc, you're wearing dite's outfit too much- and liking it. You may never switch back!"

Who the heck is xc? dite wondered. She dismissed these two as disgruntled palace employees & made a mental note to tell Hera & daddy how they made fun of the gods & to fire them. Hmmmph!
...

dite couldn't find anyone else in Olympus! Had daddy's fart fumes driven them to earth before she returned? That could explain it. dite whoosed to earth. Still- it was an odd whoosh. Like whooshing with the emergency whoosh breaks still on.
...

"Hey! xc er dite! Over here!" some woman yelled from a distance. Dang nabbit, who's this xc- xtraordinarily crazy? dite was tired & craving chocolate & wanted to plug the comp in somewhere to see what that internet thing was all about. dite approached the women asking who they were.

"Aw c'mon. You know me- I'm Kate. WP9. I was telling Sara here how much fun it's gonna be playing Cupid this time. But shouldn't I have been Eros? I dunno, but I hope there's blueberries & rum a-plenty!"

dite was biting her nails, wondering if daddy's fart cloud had affected people's minds. That had to be it. Why else would people- espech mortals- think they're gods?

"Um, sorry to burst the fart balloon, but hu llo!, you're a dudette, Cupid's a dude, and a god, not a mortal."

The other woman then spoke, "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, xc? Cross dressing doesn't do a thing for you."

dite felt her chest- 'yep, the big knockers still there, yay!'- "Hey, who'd ya think you talkin to, toots? I'm dite's afro, deity of love. I dunno who ya'll are or who this 'xc' person is but I need to find Zeusy to give him these gas pills."

The ones known as WP9 & Sara shook their heads at this, giving dite that look that only the Olympian nut-house could help her now. Could the effect of smell-o-rama Zeus have made these people think dite looked like something named xc?

"You've taken the Race too serious, xc." Sara said. "And don't call me Livia or Eve, either. I'm based in reality, thank you. OOOooo I must leave soon, Inu Yasha's on. If only there was an Inu Yasha at the bottom of every well *sigh*"

"Race? Well, you're certainly not Livia. Her nose is always in the air. What is this xc thing?" To which "Cupid" replied, "Well, plug in that comp and you'll find out."

"Silly mortal! Can't plug it in here on earth. But if you're really Cupid, you can whoosh with me to Olympus where electricity & outlets exist."

"Cupid & Livia" giggled at this, like it was a stoopid remark, as if! "Ok," says WP9, "We'll preten- er I mean we'll "whoosh" to Olympus, plug the comp in, and I'll prove to you you're a dude, dude."

dite wrinkled her nose in disgust at the very idea of being a dude! She & Cupid whooshed to Olympus.
...

Soon-

"Ya see, there it is, The Daily Scroll. "Race Around Ancient Greece:The Story". Read and get some sanity back, xc!" Cupid backed away to let dite surf the scrolls.

dite read. dite no understood. dite read again & again. dite still no understand. dite read "Chronicles of the Way" and was more confused. Then dite read "dite's afro funky temple of love"- then dite clicked to read all posts by this dite's afro imposter aka xc- and then dite thought maybe the Furies were after her.

"This Race, these tasks that the Racers had to perform- it can't be real! I can't be xenacrazed- there is no xenacrazed! This is either the Furies or fart induced insanity I tell ya!"

WP9 patted dite's shoulder, "There, there. Get a grip. Get some eggnog. Of course it's not real, it's just part of the message board- which is real. I'm real but you're xc. Er, i mean you're real but not as who you think. Ok?"

dite was crying now. "So is this Dubya person that the Brucy Braless person talks about- is he real?"

"Well....sadly, yes."

dite had totally lost it now. She began sucking a thumb, mumbling incoherently, dazed, foggy look in eyes, wandering about in a zombie state. "Oh xc, glad to see you looking like your old self," commented Zeus/Ame.

It was over for dite. She would dispatch herself. OD on ambrosian sleeping pills. She was an exaggerated figment of paranoid imagination of some sick man from Indhickiana. Brought into the world because a couple people from Down Under wanted to create a story. Down Under what? That was never explained. dite popped the lid of the sleeping pills. whooshing her life away....

{insert whooshy very whooshy cloudy scene here}
...

"Uh...why not...what..if.....draco, seize...seize scrolls...seize..."

"dite wake up." Hera insisted, standing over the deity sleeping on the floor. "Give me the keys to your medicine cabinet as Zeus needs some Gas-Ex pills. Thank you. Now go sleep on your bed like a proper Olympian."

By the us, dite thought, it was just a dream! dite was so happy she wasn't an xc that she accidentily stepped on Cupid's arrows- breaking all of them.

"Not to worry," dite said to herself, "I'll fix 'em back with some Olympian Super- glue...hmmm...Olympian Super-glue made from psychedelic Olympian drugs...I wonder what kinda affect that'll have on people Cupid shoots with them arrows...hmmm. I dun care! I'm so happy not to be xenacrazed- I just dun care!"

Also, thought dite, no more eating chocolate ambrosian rum-filled eggnog bbq'd fried rice blueberry biscuits before nappy time- that's what caused this sick, sick dream to begin with!

[Edited cuz stinky Zeus farts made me have many spelling errors- dite.]
[Edited again cuz dite forgot a line from notes. Doh!]

This message has been edited. Last edited by: xenacrazed,

Drusilla held Xena tightly and rested her chin on the warrior's metal breast plate. Looking into Xena's eyes, she made a confession.

"My love, I was planning to kill you. And I was going to do it whilst you were unconcious."

"I know," said Xena. "But that's in the past. Before we got to know....er..."

"But--" A tear rolled down Drusilla's cheek. "Much as I love you...I still want you dead. I'm so confused!"

Xena patted the Drusilla's head. "I know. Love conquers nothing." She gave only half--well, only three-quarters of her attention to the beautiful, deadly creature who was snuggling up to her. Her skin had begun to crawl. Someone was watching.

Drusilla took advantage of the warrior princess' divided attention by reaching for her breast dagger. As crazy as she was about Xena the urge to stab her was still strong. She was going to hate herself for doing it, she thought. But they'd always have this afternoon dance and snuggle.

As Drusilla's fingers began to wrap themselves around the dagger, her world suddenly went topsy turvy. Xena had sprung up and was flipping over the bush the two killers had rested under.

"Cupid!" exclaimed Xena as she grabbed the winged god by his ear and dragged him out of the woods. "I should have known. You always were a voyeur."

Cupid tried to pull back, but Xena's grip was strong. "Hey, beautiful...I am a man, after all"

"It's okay. I don't mind being watched. It spreads my legend." She grinned wickedly. "You're just the fellow I needed anyway."

Cupid bleated weakly, "well, I don't suppose there's any reason why I couldn't..." He trailed off and licked his lips.

Xena gave him a seductive look. Keeping a firm grip on his ear she let her other hand trail down his chest. Drusilla staggered over, not sure whether she liked the attention Xena was giving Cupid.

"Hey, what do you think--" she choked off as Xena quickly applied pressure to her throat and then her shoulder making her collapse in pain.

"Not yet, beautiful," she chided. "I'll get to you in just a few minutes."

Cupid's eyebrows lifted. He should have known the warrior princess would play rough. Rough and yet so seductive and teasing. Pulling his head by the ear, she forced him into a kiss. Her other hand still caressing his chest now his waist, pulling and tugging...and driving him wild.

He dropped his bow...and Xena helped him take the quivers off and pushed him down.

"Now?" called out Drusilla hopefully.

Xena whistled and Argo came running out of the woods. Grabbing Cupid's arrows she cartwheeled over to Drusilla, picked her up and leapt with her upon Argo and rode away from village.

Cupid lay for a moment. Then suddenly sat bolt upright. The arrows! That mortal had stolen his quiver!

He shot off in hot pursuit and almost ran past Argo. Xena was nowhere to be seen.

Thwack!

Cupid cried out. He'd just been hit with one of his own arrows. He promptly shut his eyes. Whatever happened, he mustn't look at anybody. Disaster was sure to follow. And a century on the couch away from Psyche.

He suddenly heard hoofbeats and a laugh as Xena rode away on Argo, leaving him trapped in the woods. He listened carefully. He couldn't hear the sound of any other creature, but was it really safe to open his eyes?

"Son of a Bacchae!" he cried and fumbled around for some leaves to fashion a crude blindfold.

Alti walked into her dwelling and immediately noticed something strange. It smelled. Like sweet sickly overpowering incense. Her lip curled into a snarl. Once inside she noticed the cause of the atrocity. The snarl remained, but a glint came to her eye. Once fully processed, the snarl turned into more of a smirk.

"My God, well not my God, but someone's God. Slumming now are we?" Alti ground out less gravely than usual.

Dite didn't answer just turned toward her with an air of anticipation in her eyes. Alti fully entered the lair and casually shed her clothing while walking toward her goal. By the time she reached the edge of the bath she was completely nude. She brought herself down to sit on the edge with just her legs sitting in the water.

Leaning forward she studied Dite's face. "You seem awfully sure of yourself just coming in here like this."

Dite looked monetarily confused. "I'm not comin--oh, you meant COMING in here." She giggled and pulled herself out of the water a bit, the tops of her full breasts bobbing through the suds.

Alti lost her composure for a second, not that Dite noticed. Dite was more obsessed with getting Alti in the water, to rid her of the smell of mortal. That's what she called it anyway. Alti regained her head, but still had that nagging desire to get buck wild with this Goddess. And that was not right.

"How'd you do it? Put the love spell on me I mean." Alti looked her right in the eye, trying to detect deception.

"As if. It was that son of mine. He's gone crazy with the arrow thingies. I'm just as disgusted as you, trust me." Dite said in her normal airhead manner.

"I highly doubt that. I've yet to show up in your tub naked. But, this has potential." Alti guffawed at herself for her last comment. Was that her out loud voice, she wondered.

This evening had already reached the height of its embarrassment factor. Deciding things couldn't get any worse; Alti slid herself the rest of the way into the tub, maintaining eye contact with Dite the whole time. Two feet touched. Than a knee against a thigh. Dite pulled herself forward and placed her hands on the tub edges, encapturing Alti in her arm span. Then the staring contest began. Neither spoke, or moved, they just sat. Each quietly taking the other in.

Dite blinked first. She quickly moved forward and grabbed Alti's head and kissed her like, well the Goddess of Love. With this Alti moved to caress her neck, but it didn't stop at caressing. She squeezed Dite's neck and pushed her against the back of the tub. She held her there for a second, allowing Dite to flop around like a flounder out of, well actually, in water.

"I don't WANT to love you." Alti ground out between her teeth. "Let's just say it's not my thing. And don't kid yourself; you don't want to love me either."

"Well duh. Hello. You are so not my type." Dite spit back. Her feelings had been hurt.

"Then fix it." Alti simply stated.

"Like I know how to---HEY, I DO know how to fix this." Deer ran, bunnies scampered, crickets fled. The world was unaligned, Dite had a clue.

Atli shook her head with frustration at the idiotic. She looked up, not moving her head, and pinned Dite with her eyes. "I want a potion. I don't want a one time fix from you. I want something I can use in case this situation appears again. And I want it now."

"Uh, hello. What makes you think I'm going to help you? Icky moral."

"You kissed me." Alti quickly retorted.

"So? I kiss lots of people” Dite said with an air of superiority.

"Lots of mortal icky people? I'm sure you'd love for all your friends to know that you made out with a smelly, dirty, and EVIL, excommunicated Amazon. I'm sure that would go over well at your little gatherings." Alti said with the pure sincerity in her voice that she would act on this information.

"Okay, okay. EEwww, I couldn't take it. What would they think of beautiful me and icky icky you?" Dite stammered, almost panicked.

She produced the potion, in a green vial, and a silver goblet that she immediately drank from. Alti snatched the potion out of her hand, swigged down a swallow, and recapped it.

"Now get out." Alti growled at her.

Cupid could find nothing to blindfold himself with. His heart pounded in dread as horsehooves could be heard approaching. THen, the sound of someone getting off the horse...more movement...then footsteps headed toward him.
"Cupid? Is that you?"
His voice was seductive, smooth. Cupid didn't trust it. It could be a centaur. Or worse...a half goat.
"C'mon, open ya eyes."
"No."
"Cupid."
"You're not one of those gross polititians from the 21st century that Mum keeps tossing at me...are you?"
The man roared with seductive laughter. "Far from it, babe! C'mon. Open up!"
"My arrows..."
"No prob. I'll help ya get em back, I think I know where they might have gone to."
"Those--double crossing--WOMEN!" Cupid was so furious his eyes flew open...and....
WHOA!
Standing in front of him was the most gorgeous guy Cupid had ever seen. Was he a mortal? Ohhh yes. Unfortunately. But he would more than do.
His hair was long and black, and it spilled down his waist and over his shoulders. His eyes were pale blue, and set in a gorgeous high cheekboned face. His skin was a pale creamy color. His taught, finely structured body was clad all in black.
"Who--who are you?" Cupid breathed.
"My name is Jeremaiah," the man said. "I was actually sent here to find Eli. Do you know where I might find him?"
Cupid hung his head.
Jeremaiah frowned, then sighed. "Pity," he said sadly. "Then the rumors ARE true. His eyes WERE flying around zapping people."
"Yes, it was quite the bummer," Cupid said sadly. "Until Paulina saved the day." He smiled at the memory.
"I'd heard of her," Jeremaiah said, his eyes lighting up in a smile. "SHe was the lover of..."
"Minya," Cupid said, frowning, a surge of jealousy going through him. Jeremaiah looked rather in a dreamlike state.
"Hey. HEY!"
"Oh, sorry, Cupid, I was woolgathering. Minya was rather famous for awhile. Shame how she died."
"Oh right, yes. My grandad....got a little carried away." Cupid couldn't help himself, he had to smile.
"Cupid," Jeremaiah said, "how did Eli..." His face held a look of anticipation, and the way he said the holy man's name....was like butter.
Suddenly it dawned on Cupid who Jeremaiah was! Why, Eli you old devil, he thought with a grin. But no. Wait. Had they...
The sad look in Jeremaiah's eyes told him plainly that no. No understanding had ever existed. But....Jeremaiah had always wanted one and could never muster up the courage to approach Eli.
"So," he said sympathetically. "You had a bit of a...thing for Eli, huh? And you never told him about it."
"You know," Jeremaiah pouted, "you really took your time getting here you know! I could have used your HELP, you know!" He stamped his foot.
"Awww!" Cupid was so touched, he gave him a hug. "I'm sorry! But hey it wasn't my fault, Dad got mad at me and trapped me in the 21st century for awhile. I was stuck in the body of this strange girl from the future, name of Kate. Dunno how THAT happened...but it took some time to free myself from that. When Dad died, well, that clinched the deal. Well then Mums was trying to keep me out of the limelight because things were getting rather ugly with Minya's kid and all, and Alti losing her powers like that. Then there was that goat thing in the barn....poor girl, so confused, she was. Shame she has to have that Eyedrajit on her back now." Cupid wrinkled his nose, then shook it off. "Anyway..."
"Cupid, what happened to Eli?" Jeremaiah pulled back, looking desperately into Cupid's eyes.
Cupid was touched. The poor geezer. How did he tell him?
"Ummm," he said, "Grandad..."
Jeremaiah narrowed his eyes. "No. Not the way Minya..."
"Yes."
"That....that Eli....and he SWORE he would never make love to a single soul not even to Gabrielle!"
"I know," Cupid said sadly. "Sorry, mate."
Jeremaiah turned and kicked the tree next to him. Several acorns fell off. One of them hit Cupid in the head.
"Ow!" Cupid cried, rubbing his head.
"Sorry," grumbled Jeremaiah. "But it's not in the LEAST bit fair. I was Eli's student in India, even though I am originally from Ireland. We got on famously. I TRIED to learn the way of Love. In the end it really wasn't for me. I would rather be a warrior and musician, travelling around and playing my guitar and singing....occassionally kicking a butt or two if anyone got in my way. I shouldn't have left him, I know." Jeremaiah sighed. "But he was just so...OBSESSED with this Father of his! He paid more attention to Him than to me! And then, SHE came along." Jeremaiah rolled his eyes.
"Gabrielle."
"Yup," Jeremaiah said. "So I said to hell with this I am outa here. No one knew of my existance by then, I was pretty good at keeping a low profile."
"You stayed away from him for a long time."
"Pride," sighed Jeremaiah. "He always said it goes before a fall, I know." His voice broke on a sob, so Cupid pulled him in and comforted him while he wept his grief. While he cried, a rather incessant little bird cheeped in Cupid's ear.
Go away, he telepathed darkly, Can't you see I'm busy?
Cupidy Woopidy HOW many times have I told you not to leave your arrows unattended?
Mo--ther! Cupid whined, I HATE when you do the shapeshifting thing!
It's not like I do it all the time, ya know!
Where's Alti?
Don't ask,groaned Dite's Afro. I'll tell you later. Meanwhiles...what are you going to do with this cutie pie?
He's mine, Cupid growled, sensing that all familiar attraction from the lurve goddess. Don't forget, you got a date with Jennifer soon.
Oh, promises, promises, sonny boy! snapped Dite's Afro.I'll believe it when I see it! And speaking of, what about those poor little polititians? They can't stop thinking of you, ya know, you're breaking their achy breaky hearts! Dite's Afro whined.
Well hey it can't be that bad if it gets them away from what they NORMALLY do, grinned Cupid,Really mom, when are you gonna learn my taste? Now THIS is for me. He patted Jeremaiah's shoulder.
Oh, poo. Looks like I'm gonna have to do your dirty work again.Dite's Afro sighed dramatically.A mother's work is never done!
Hey it could be worse, I could be Dahok's ki--OWWWW!Cupid held it in as the bird nipped his ear painfully.
Don't smart off at me young mr. love poo!Dite's Afro said feistily. I COULD make you fall in love with those polititians ya know!
Don't you dare!
Oh--all right, I'll go easy on you THIS time, only because you're in a bit of a pickle anyway. But I'm NOT getting your arrows back for you, Mister! You're clear on your own there.
Right,Cupid said contritely, then changed the subject. Hey mom, how about those dreams ya keep having?
What if--why not--why is it that--THERE IS NO XC?
Mums, I think ya better go lie down.
I think you're right, she sighed. Shapeshifting is a byotch too. I'm just doing it because....well, long story. I'll whoosh over to your temple later and tell ya about it.
I'll look forward to it.
Cupid grinned as his mother whooshed away. He loved their little banter, it sure beat the relationship he'd had with Ares....who was always such a grump. Oh well.
Finally Jeremaiah had cried himself out and was wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
"Why'd you try to find him again?" Cupid asked him. "Eli that is."
"Well--one last attempt, you know? And i was ALSO trying to find you--because--well you know."
"You wanted me to thwack Eli."
"Well," Jeremaiah grinned, "why not?"
The two took a walk in the forest to where Jeremaiah had his horse tethered to a tree. It was a beautiful day outside. Man and god enjoyed each other's company as the sun beat down on their hair, making it sparkle.
Cupid smiled. "Well....since you've found me at any rate...is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Don't stick those nipples out so much!" Jeremaiah said blushing. "They're distracting."
Cupid grinned. "Can't help it, babe. That's my nature."
"Oh, you...you..." suddenly Cupid caught and held his gaze. Jeremaiah looked at him, his deep cobalt blue eyes sparkling. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before slowly coming together...in a heartfelt embrace.
The embrace lasted a good long time....then when they pulled out of it...they kissed. Tenderly.
"You know," Jeremaiah said softly, "when Eli used to tell me I was destined to find the Way of Love....I certainly didn't think it would come to this."
"Well," Cupid grinned, "I am Cupid you know."
They shared a laugh. "Come on," Jeremaiah grinned. "Let's go get your arrows back!"

*********************************

Jeremaiah's horse was fast....of course Cupid thought he could have flown them both, but they actually made good time. Xena and Drusilla were fighting off an army of bandits, seemingly ordered by Alti to go stir up trouble. Xena was kicking some pretty good butt, as was Drusilla. Their lythe sexy bodies glistened in the sunlight. For a moment, Cupid stared, thoroughly intoxicated....when Jeremaiah tapped him hard on the shoulder.
"Cupid! Look!"
There they were. Abandoned, on Argo. The arrows.
"Hmmmm," Cupid said grinning. "Mommy always told me not to leave the arrows unattended..."
WHOOSH!
The arrows were now safely in Cupid's arms, as was his trusty bow. He put them on his back where they belonged....just as Xena turned in his direction.
She and Drusilla had just knocked down the last of the bandits. Xena strolled over to him, smirking...and he laughed uproareously.
"Now, Xena," he said, "you know as well as I do...that you NEVER leave your arrows unattended."
"Cupid," she said, giving Jeremaiah the once over. "I think I saw that guy with Eli back in India once. Well...you have your work cut out for you with that one."
"No worries, m'lady, all's well that ends well," Cupid grinned. "But...should you ever want to take me up on...what we began before your naughty little trick..." Cupid winked at her. "You know where to find me."
He whooshed himself, Jeremaiah and his horse safely to Olympus, leaving the warrior princess and Drusilla, shaking their heads, laughing, and picking up where they left off.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Cupid,

Once upon a time, there were 37 days in December. It was the longest month so that folks could celebrate & enjoy solstice longer. More time as well to celebrate Rum Guzzling Day on the 32nd. So who was the party pooper that stole 6 days of intoxicating bliss from the otherwise struggling masses? Well...

Dec 37- many many many moons ago

"OH NO! OH NO,OH NO,OH NO,OH NO,OH NO,OH NO! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" dite's afro realized what day it was. December 37. The day set aside each year so that the gods can preside over a different belief or object. Last Dec 37, dite was goddess of ear wax removal. She still gets the shakes at the sight of a q- tip. Year before that, she was the diety of milking cows (she nearly had a cow over that) which made her a laughing stock when she thought she'd get chocolate milk from a brown cow.

It was Zeus & Hera who came up with the diety exchange day. They never participated, of course, they just like to watch & laugh. It was usually silly things that the gods ruled over for just that one day. It was the 37th of December. Most mortals were either drunk, sleeping or celebrating something. What harm could come from letting the Olympian gods preside over something silly just for a day?

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I so dread this day." dite stood with Cupid as Apollo announced- in alphabetical order- who would be diety of what for this day.

"Cupid-"spoke Apollo in that half-bored, know it-all tone, "god of garden utensils."

Cupid rolled his eyes, saying sarcastically, "Oh gee, what fun, yip yip yipee, grab me a rake, shovel and hoe and away to the garden I go."

"Ho? Cupidity Poopity, you like ho's."

"Not that kind of ho, mother, you dingbat. Well, guess I'm off to get my cover-alls and dig a mess of taters. Uh mom, why do you have TGIF written on your shoes? It's not even Friday."

"Oh that, it means toes go in first. So hard to remember that! Now run along & be nice to the ho's, dear."

Apollo: "Demeter, goddess of the Xena lookalikes, dopplegangers and miscelleneous Xena's."

Apollo: "dite's afro, goddess of happiness via song & dance."

dite hugged herself. "Wheeee! Now I can bestow happy feet for a day! Gotta groove with me"
...

The Champion of Rome vs the Senate of Rome? You decide.

"Complain complain bitch bitch stupid old men try to tell me- ME!- how to run Rome- those fools!- why I oughta-"

*whooshy gold shimmeries*

"Smile! You're on Happy Face Camera !"

"Fine. This is what I get after six hours of meetings with whiney butt men who've never seen a battlefield. Ares empty headed sister. Tell me, do you still tip toe passed the medicine cabinet so as not to wake the sleeping pills, hmm?"

"Well, yeah, don't you? Livia, guess why I'm here."

Livia misreading dite, kept a fist to her side, "You will not steal this chakram! I bet my mother sent you for it, didn't she? You tell her th-"

"Chill out, Liv. I don't want that round chalky thingamabooby!" dite replied with a giant grin on her face.

Livia studied the goofy grin and knew it to be true that dite had no intention of stealing this 3rd chakram. dite was just a party girl who dressed like an over privilaged happy hour douche-bag.

"I'm far too busy to deal with your antics, dite. Give me a rest, go bother Gregor."

dite pointed a pinkie at Livia, "Not so fast, honey bunch. What you need is to get happy." Then the pinkie emitted a quick burst of blue sprinkley shimmers at Livia.

"What have you done!? What *cough* is that *cough* horrible aroma?" After the coughing, after a few moments to compose herself, Livia looked at dite- really looked at her for the first time, "Did you say 'get happy?"

"Mmmm hmmm."

The guards in this palace hall were then quite shocked to see Livia run one way then another down the corridor before she broke out singing-

"Pack up your troubles and just get happy,
Ya better chase all your cares away,
sing hallelujah, c'mon get happy,
get ready for the judgment day,
The sun is shinin', c'mon get happy,
Eli he's waiting to take your hand,
shout hallelujah, c'mon get happy,
we're goin' to the promised land!"

No, thought Livia, fight this nonsense, fight it!...but she couldn't. For the next bit, dite tossed her a top hat & cane dancing props, as she herself played tambourine.

"Oh", sang a jubilant Livia, "Forget your troubles and just get happy,
ya better chase all your cares away,
sing hallelujah, c'mon get happy,
get ready for the judgment day! Oh yeah!"

Livia was trying to break out an honest to goodness happy smile, but it hurt so much. "That was awesome!" praised dite."You should do that more often. You were singing-n dancin up a storm!"

"Can't! Against all I believe. Isn't it? You- you cast spell on me. Why? I c-can't fight it, much as I try." Poor tortured child of Xena.

"Phhph! Don't fight it. Give in. Put on a happy face!"

"NOOOoooo. I- oh darn.." then dancing as she sang, the palace guards looking at one another wondering if they should join in. *do join in and sing, dite whispered to each guard & shook blue shimmery stuff on them*. Livia and the palace guard performed a great little number-

Livia: Gray skies are gonna to clear up, Put on a happy face, Brush off the clouds and cheer up, Put on a happy face!

Guards: Take off that gloomy mask of tragedy, it's not your style, You'd look so good that you'd be glad you decided to smile

Livia: Pick out a pleasant outlook, Stick out that noble chin, Wipe off that full of doubt look, Slap on a happy grin!

Guards: And spread sunshine all over the place, Just, put on a happy face!

Livia: Put on a happy-

Guards: Put on a happy-

Livia & Guards: Oh put on a happy face!

"Yay! Woo-hoo! Livvy sweets you dance fine, you need some fishnets to show off them legs!"

"Really!? You think so?" Livia was lost. "Um, dits, could we chat? 'K.Like, could I be the mini-you? Or, um, could I just follow you everywhere and see how you do it, cause you do it so well!" Then blushing, "You could call me Eve if you like, tee-hee."

dite was shocked at how strong this happiness via song & dance was. Too bad it only lasted a day.

"Tell ya what, Livs, I do like that name bests. Repeat after me- 'Gotta love me!"

"Gotta um think maybe I'm okay." dite shook her afro. "Er 'gotta like me if I'm not so uptight'" dite was frownin now! "Ohhhh, 'Gotta lurve me..' 'Gotsa loove me'...'Gotta love me'...I said it I said it!...'Gotta love me!'" dite & Livs hugged.

"Now, how about we make that mean ole Senate poo-poo heads happy too?" dite smiled at Liv's response, "Coolage! Let's!"

Livia was so under the spell. The blue shimmers had produced the irrestible singing of the bluebirds of happiness. A singing that Livs deperately wanted to recreate for all of Rome.
...

The Senate was a piece of blue shimmery cake. They quickly called a meeting in the coliseum, all Rome was asked to attend if it so pleased their schedule. Well, they were gonna meet there anyway to feed the just-recaptured barbarian Vercinix to the lions. Brutus had planned to back-stab a fellow Senator- literally- but was so full of glee that he instead fell to his knees and washed the feet of the previously doomed Senator with his tears of joy.

Livia, now dressed in a pink nightie that dite had selected from her own wardrobe, addressed the shocked poopless crowd who gawked at her in stunned silence. What had happened to the bitch of Rome?

"Friends, Romans, little munckin people way up in the nosebleed seats- please, lend me your precious ears. I, Livia, or Livs, if you like, am pleased as punch to announce that taxes are being cut to a mere smile a day. The Roman army will be disbanded and we will all join hands in the parks and sing 'I'd Love to Buy the World a Rum-cola'. We will be happy, so I decree. I am so happy to be here & to be your humble servant-"

Yikes! Six simultaneous heart attacks- just in coliseum aisle 5!

"-and I hope you will all accept me as your bestest Champion of Rome. Okaysie?"

"OKAYSIE YOUR CHAMPIONESS!" so they shouted in glee. Is this true, they thought, or too good to be true?

"Now" continued lovely Liv, "I'd like to sing for you a song that has always made me happy. Not until today *sobs* could I admit it. Thank you dear dite for making this possible." Livs turns to dite and- curtsies!

Livia sings from the bottom of her happy heart, swaying to the sound of her own new found voice-

"Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high..."

Jeeps, dite thought to herself, no wonder she wouldn't admit to liking that song, neither would I. *snickers*

...

"Now," Livia announced after singing, "we were supposed to feed the barbarian Vercinix to the lions today. However, I have decided instead to-feed a large banquet of delicious food to Vercinix' home village! And- Vercinix- can you hear me down there?"

Vercinix on the coliseum floor was still wetting himself in glee. "Uh yes, Madame Championess..."

"Just Livs, my friend. Vercinix, for you and your wife Mendala- an all expense paid trip on the Mediterranean!"

Thunderous applause!

"Now, dite, would you please tell Vercinix what other gifts we have for him?"

"Yes indeedy dandy, Livs. Vercinix, you barbarian rascal, we have matching luggage for your trip. And when you return home- you & Mrs V will return home to- a newly built hut, designed & decorated by Frankus Lloydus Wrightus!"

OOOooooos & aaaahhhs from the crowd!

A happy Vercinix was set free, deciding to take the cruise at a later date (good call there, happiness in Rome is a fleeting thing.)
...

That night-

The singing & dancing continued at a break neck speed. dite & Livs sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy", changing the lyrics to suit the people and events in their life. They danced the tango. They danced the Funky Monkey. They danced dite's own invention, The Mashed Blueberry Potato. Liv collapsed in dite's arms, a rose between her teeth, saying "Nitesy nites, dite the mighty happy chickeroo."

All was well in Rome.
....

The next day...

"I WANT THOSE TAXES RAISED...NOW!" Livia, Champion of Rome, was baaaaa-ck.

It was decreed that all citizens must never again mention or discuss in private or public the events of that December 37 or else get crucified. The Senate banned singing for months, and singing in the parks for years. Vercinix was never captured again but he always had a great story to tell.

Livia, ah Liva, was mighty peeved. She wanted to be extra sure this event was forgotten. So sure that she had the last 6 days of December banned! It would now end on the 31st. Plus, all mention of the 32nd through the 37th to be wiped from the history scrolls. No need for anyone to recall what happened on the 37th or several days close to the 37th.

However...sometimes...just sometimes...Livia would catch herself humming or tapping her feet to a memory of "Get Happy". "Damn that dite," she'd say, smirking.
...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: xenacrazed,

For Livia, Imperatrix and Champion of Rome, the day could not get any worse.

Her horse was lame. On both counts. A sorrier looking steed was never to be found. A shaggy coat, unkempt mane and tail, crookedly huge teeth and a lopsided gait had earned the horse the name of "Wonder Boy". He also had several other names in different languages all meaning the same thing: ain't worth squat.

She grumbled under her breath as he lopsidedly attempted a gallop. "W-w-w-whoaaaaaa! Stu-stup-stupid horse! Slow down! Halt! Desist! Alto! Stooooooop!" Wonder Boy was completely deaf in both ears and so could not hear his master's commands. He only knew that the heels had spurred his sides to urge him on and he would do so as best as his knobby legs would let him.

A casual observer would have seen the normally polished and confident Champion of Rome holding on for dear life as the ugliest horse in the world proceeded to sashay across the open fields. A cry and several curses were heard for several miles as Livia tried unsuccessfully to slow the determined animal.

An idea candle flashed above Livia's head. Of course! Idiot. Just pull back on the reins. She tugged herself up and pulled back, hard. Immediately, Wonder Boy came to a standstill and the daughter of Xena was airborne.

"Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit! Ooof! (tm Shawn)" The young woman landed flat on her back, staring up at the bright blue sky. "Bloody horse. Remind me to kill you when I get up from here." An answering whicker came from somewhere off to the left. Great, a horse that was deaf to her commands but could hear loud and clear when it came to saving his own hide.

Long moments passed with Livia simply trying to gather the stength to get up. Slowly, she painfully sat up and glared at the now grazing animal. Her lips drew back in a snarl and she quickly grabbed the chakram at her hip and let it fly.

*Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing*

Her head followed the motion as the chakram glanced off a tree, came straight back across and neatly sliced off some of Wonder Boy's bangs, enabling him to see. Then it ricocheted off a rock and spun back, shaving Wonder Boy's mane, bounced off yet another tree and spliced his tail into a nice curl to ping off the same rock and back to Livia's hand.

"Aaaargh! I went to make dog food out of you and instead, I gave you a haircut. Great." If Livia didn't know better, she would have sworn she heard the horse laughing.

She glanced up to see the horse staring at her at what could only be called an 'innocent expression'. Livia grumbled and groused and pushed herself back onto her feet. This day could get no worse, it was official.

*crack crack boom crack crack*

Oh wait, it could. Out of nowhere, a torrential rain poured down on her head. "Son of a bacchae!" She gritted her teeth and let out a scream of pure frustration as it seemingly only poured right where she was standing.

"I'm in Hades, I know it. I must've died when the damn horse threw me and now, the gods are punishing me. That's just wonderful."

"Oh you're not dead, but you might wish you were by the time I'm through with you." A scratchy, throaty voice called out from behind her.

Livia spun around to come face to face with..."You!"

A sinister grin crossed Alti's face. "Time to repay the favor, little girl."