Good morning, Sweetheart,
As you can see I was not idle during the night. Though I admit, I just might have preferred to spend it reclining in your arms rather than picking 75 locks. Forgive me for not waking you, but I just had to see if I could free myself and a dozing Amazon warrior from hundreds of pounds of heavy chain and escape without awaking said Amazon. Besides, kid--they're looking for two. I knew you'd wake long before those thugs would. I saw that powder you managed to slip into their wine. Give them my regards, darlin'. We'll have to do it again some time--this time without the third wheels.
This could be the big score, baby, but you insist on nobility. Alright, I'll help you, but I have to do it my way. Which means a profit. Rest assured my profit means that Galagus and his boys won't have the means to mount their campaign.
I don't know why you care about that bunch of yokels. Loyalty to your Queen is one thing, but I hope you aren't going to emulate her in everything. Wandering around and righting wrongs is for Xena.
Well, must fly now. Naturally, I'm going for the Stone of Aeschylus. With all due respect my dear, I think that little tasks suits a man of my ability much better than a woman of yours.
Keep in touch so that I know what the right hand is doing. Don't ask me to tell you too much about the left. Send messages to Albiefineas at the Rusty Bucket in Thebes. It will find me--or rather, I'll steal it. After all, I am the King of Thieves.
AutolycusThis message has been edited. Last edited by: Autolycus,
Good morning, talk, dark and shady,
I wondered what that dream meant last night. It seemed as though I was spending time in a house of ill repute and some huge gorilla kept rattling chains at me and slobbering in my ear. Now it all makes sense.
You know me well, I DID wake long before the thugs, but I waited for them to arise so I could help them ease into their day. Third wheels can come in handy.
I'm glad that you have agreed to help me stop Galagus. His success would mean the end for a lot of my sisters.
As for my abilities, don't be fooled. I have many natural assets that can help a worthy cause. You should know, having seen them up close.
I'm heading off to Corinth. I hear there is a man there who can bend his body like rubber, which I thought might come in handy. Who knows, he might even be able to help us out with Galagus.
I think you can guess what my right hand is doing. Keep your left hand in shape until we meet again.
Write soon. I'll be waiting.
Solari the Slippery
Change of plan, my sweet.
Galagus mounted an attack on my sisters, while I was otherwise engaged. Many of my tribe were lost.
As acting Queen I should have been there, not cavorting around the countryside.
I have what I need from Corinth and am heading back to my village.
Keep our plans close to those sexy, man-boobs of yours.
Sorry to hear that Galagus hit the village. I remember fondly my confinement there--short as it was. Have I mentioned how much I love being penned up with you?
Being penned up with you is always more fun than the current pen I'm in. Don't worry, I'm in here because I want to be. Marathon Prison is prime recruiting ground for Galagus. I have an old acquaintance here. Okay, technically an old enemy, but it wasn't an active dislike. Except for that betrayal...well, it wasn't a betrayl, exactly. I'm just partially responsible for him being here. I kept him from assassinating the Pharoh of Egypt. Not that I'm bragging or anything.
Apparently, Jett has managed to avoid recruitment (yes, that's right, I put away the nastiest assassin to come out of Greece since Thersides) and I was both happy and curious about that, because--well, Jett shouldn't be your enemy. Just take my word for it. It did occur to me, that we might be able to reach an agreement and have him do a little job for us.
So I hitched a ride with the supply wagon in a brilliant disguise (I won't give it away, I might want to use it again) and made my way to the Alpha Compound. That's where they keep the real nasty ones. Your warlords, murderers, profiteers and inept, heretical thieves. Nothing at all to a hardened fellow like yours truly. It just takes some skill and finesse. And a mean left hook.
My original plan had been to offer Jett an escape orchestrated by the Master (that's me) in exchange for his freedom. I spotted him sitting at a table across from an old man. I figured he was from a local temple ministering to the morally bereft. I took comfort in seeing him actually. Jett is far too cagey to throttle anybody in front of a witness. Not that I have anything to fear from him, of course.
He wasn't nearly as irritated to see me as I thought he would be. I won't say he was delighted, but that's okay. A delighted Jett probably would have meant you'd be beating those lovely breasts of yours w/ willow reeds in grief over my untimely exit from this sphere. He didn't seem very eager to leave the old guy, but he finally agreed to take a walk with me around the compound.
He declined. I don't mind admitting that my jaw hung open so long, you'd have thought I was at an Amazon swim party.
"You want to stay?" I finally gasped. "No, it's just that...well, I've had time to spend and think about what I've done with my life."
"Don't tell me, you've been listening to that priest!"
"Priest?" Jett looked back at the old man. "Nah, I've just thought that a man of my talents should be a little more...constructive."
Well, my sweet, I had no idea what to say. I made some counter-offers, but we hadn't come to any sort of deal when suddenly the old man was there.
"Sonny, what's the deal with this guy? He's not supposed to be here."
"Oh yes he is, actually. He's just never been officially sent here."
It is nice to have your talents recognized.
"Autolycus, the King of Thieves at your service."
Suddenly, Jett let a whoop so loud that some of the other prisoners turned to us and glared.
"You want my help?" he laughed. "I'll do it, but on one condition. You get both of us out of here."
"You and the geezer?" The geezer growled at me and I suddenly realized he was as tall as I was and quite a bit bigger around. "You and this august gentleman?"
"I want to see my family. The rest of my family. My wife, sons, the daughters who will still talk to me. Is that so hard to believe?"
"Besides," Jett said. "If you want to defeat Galagus, you couldn't do better Jocerfius the Terrible."
Jocerfius! THE Jocerfius.
Gods help me, Solari. Not only am I going to spring an assassin so crafty that only I (with a little help from Xena and Gabrielle) could put him away, I'm going to get his vicious warlord father out too...
I hope I'm doing the right thing. Did I just say that?
P.S. I know a little costume shop in Athens. The next time I swing through, I'll be sure to pick up that gorilla costume. Anything for you sugarlips.
Sorry for not writing sooner honey-bun, I've been on the run and paper is difficult to find. I had to resort to this odd coloured piece of scroll that I found in some bushes. I'm sure you'll forgive its unusual smell.
Anyway, I've been back to my village but it was deserted. I'm not sure where the rest of the tribe have fled. They may be hiding in the forest nearby or have high-tailed it up to the Northern Tribe for reinforcements.
Rubber boy is with me. He has many skills. He was able to slink around the village without being noticed by any lingering war parties. There were other tasks he performed for me as well, but this is not the time to fill you in on those. The coast is clear, according to him. Galagus must have gotten what he wanted and moved on quickly. The trail is cold.
I know that we have failed to stop my sisters from meeting with harm, but I still want to go ahead with our plans. I need to avenge my Tribe. Are you still in?
My salacious Solari,
OF COURSE I'm still in! You don't think I got the deadliest assassin since Xena offed Thersides and his geezer warlord dad out of prison for mere exercise do you? Okay, so I could do that, but the only way I'd get Jett out is if I really, really had to. Jocerfius hasn't had an army in a decade so he's harmless. Sort of. Like an old cat. An old fat cat. An old fat cat that is fat and old because it's really good at catching mice and beating up the other toms in the neighborhood.
Needless to say, it all went off without a hitch. The warden's daughter will have a broken heart, but she'll enjoy it on those long winter nights when she's only got the future warden to look at.
We've heard of a slave market in the next city that has just received a shipment of slaves. The catalog scroll mentioned a couple of comely young women that sounded familar to me, so I made the executive decision that we'd be going there. Geezer was a bit confused at the idea of buying slaves. Insisted you couldn't buy slaves for soldiers because it never worked. Who says the hardened warlord can't be innocent? Me buy?
With all due respect, keep the Northern girls out of it. They aren't playing with a full deck. They spend a little too much time howling at the moon instead of desecrating temples by it to get treasure. Oh, I guess there's no point in being judgmental. Any time you wanna howl at the moon drop me a line and I'll be glad to oblige.
I've sent Jett to find Galagus. He's supposed to report to me, but he'll be on the look out for you. He'll identify himself with the code "How many Spartans can you fit into a bathhouse?" If you give him the wrong answer he may kill you. Nah, just kidding...I think. He's supposed to be our ally, but--look, don't trust him too far. Jett looks harmless, but he is a cold-blooded killer. DON'T get it into your head you'll thaw him out.
Now it's time to go free me some beautiful slaves. I trust they'll be grateful. It's easier to steal their jewelery when they're grateful.
Yodel le he hoo!
Of course, you're always in. In trouble, in up to your neck, incorrigible.
Galagus has moved on to a far away land called Britannia. I hear there is a warrior women there to rival Queen Gabrielle. She's called Bodicea. I'm not sure if he's going to join forces with her or carry out some other dastardly plan. I think I will go and try to meet her. Alone. I'm sure she wouldn't be your type.
I've sent Rubber Boy to you. He's done about all for me that he can. Ask him to show you what he can do with his tongue. It's ... interesting.
I'll look out for the tall, dark and murderous one. What's the answer to "how many Spartans can you fit into a bathhouse?" I'm guessing the answer is "one, because his smell would drive all the others away".
I must go, now. Moon is almost up. Time for the howling to begin.
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