My Darling

My darling your eyes
Held a gaze that was far off
When you left us-
You even stopped bleeding
Into my upturned palm
And I wondered if this was the day you would leave me-
But you did not.

There on the floor you lay
Turning blue from your chest to your head
There in a pool of blood
I kneeled and prayed-
While they worked on your heart-
You too worked on my heart
that day.

They said, "stand back," while they
Jolted you from death into life
I heard you choking and moaning
But I could not help you
You eyes once again blinked shut-
And you felt pain.

My darling I touched your skin
With my blood dried hands
And you were no longer cold
Sirens wailed through the town that day
But inside I was silent
With love for you.
-----

This took place on Sunday. My husband is still in the hospital and is doing much better. His heart stopped during a game of volleyball and he had to be revived. This poem is an attempt to get some closure on these images and feelings. I'm sorry if it is a bit too graphic, but you all are like family and I wanted to share.

Wow! This is powerful stuff--very well written! Although the blood images made me think he had been shot at first....but I'm glad he is doing much better!
I'll send you both my prayers. Be well!
wp9

Thank you WP9 for your prayers. We are now waiting for a bed to become available in another hospital so he can get a defibulator put in. It is supposed to shock his heart if it goes into a bad rhythm again. I don't know just how this will effect our lives in the future, but at least he is still with me.

Yes, the blood was really just a side problem. It does read like he was shot. It was probably a alot like that actually. Except he wouldn't have bled to death because his heart wasn't beating.

I just want to say also that I'm very grateful to everyone that helped. To those of you who work in emergency services, and all people with kind and caring hearts I say thank you. Thank you for your love.

All i can say nanzar is that's a lot to go through and your husband is very lucky to have someone like you who loves him so much. I'll keep praying.

Hi Nanzar,

Im shocked & saddened by the news.

I hope everything goes well for both of you.

I hope your husband makes a full recovery,quickly.

Your Friend,
Bruce

Thank you Brucy,
Maybe it's not fair to drop such crazy news like this into a poem. It catches people a little off guard, and some who find out later feel like they have not been able to help.

I'm sorry for that, but I've just had so much going on in my life lately it's hard to talk like a normal person. If I died right now I think you would all get a poeml from me from beyond!

Thanks for your thoughts and hopes. He is a little more like himself every day, and we are going forward.

Just a short note to say that my husband is probably going to need open heart surgery to correct a valve problem in a few days. I appreciate any prayers and good thoughts sent his way during this time. His name is Jim and he is in good spirits, but this is a major opperation and we are believing that God will help him through this. He survived an eposode that they say kills 95% of peole who go through it, so we have faith that God will see us through this as well.

You know my best wishes are with you both...

Good Luck to Jim...

He seems to be a pretty lucky fella, he has you doesnt he..??

Thank you Brucy for your words of support. Here is a little update.

On Wednesday my husband had open heart surgery to correct his valves. The surgery went well and we are getting through the recovery very well. I’m a little worn out from the worry and the time, but not ready to fall apart.

Here is a little poem from the day of surgery.

Hospital Hallways

The sweetness
gets pealed down
to the layers underneath-
the soft tissue is sensitive
there in the middle of the
lair, somewhere down halls
around the corner
through the ribcage
that must be opened up
revealing all that you
ever were to me-
the sweetness
that you are
alive.

Thing are looking up around here. My husband had his implant on tuesday and the new tests wednesday came out good. He is going to be like the bionic man now! He has new valves and a defribulator to shock his heart if it goes into cardic arrest again.

I haven't heard from my usuall supporters through all of this but I'm sure they have just missed my low key reports. For those of you that have been following our progrees thanks for all your love and support. I should be back home more soon -they have said he can come home friday- so i'll see you around!

Wow, Nanzar...I had no idea. I saw your poem on the main page for awhile but I thought it was a love poem more or less, and knew I'd get to it when I read everyone else's. If I'd known what was WITHIN this, I would have read it as soon as I came back from my time away a few weeks ago.

I'm sorry for all that's been going on with you. I swear...it seems like you've had non-stop crises for months and months now. I really do hope you get to breathe again soon, as well as your family.

As for the poem itself, wow...the descriptions were intense and beautiful all at the same time. I think you captured that feeling well-- of watching someone and not being sure if they're going to live or die. Especially when it comes to a heart attack. The hardest part is not being able to do a thing...just having to sit back and watch. I've "been there" but I haven't been there in regards to my partner going through it, and I'm thankful for that, but I'm sure it's even more intense than it is with a parent.

Open heart surgery is extreme...and I'm very glad to hear he went through it splendidly. He'll be in prayers as you all go through this.

You've remained strong for so long through so many different situations these last few months...be sure to take some time for you. It's not selfish if you think about it...because in the end, you're helping your family by being able to give more of yourself.

I hope you're doing as well as can be expected, beautiful poems, and I'll be thinking about you and Jim.

~Keri

Gabber-
I figured you had missed this new chapter. Yes it has been a testing time for us. Jim might come home tomorrow or maybe not till Sunday. That will make it four weeks exactly.

I feel like I'm hitting a wall right now but I'm sure I'll bounce back once we move on to the next phase. I'm glad for the creative distractions of this place. It's a little life to hang onto.

Nanzar,

You figured right, although I'm sorry that I did. Wow, he's been in the hospital for four weeks? Did he end up coming home this week or no?

Trust me, you're allowed to hit a wall every now and then...especially when there's something rough like this going on. Nobody's perfect, we can't be even when we expect ourselves to be. I'm sure you'll know what you need when you need it-- you just have to be willing to listen to your heart. And I'm sure you'll bounce back as well, it just takes a bit of time...sometimes a lot of time, but it will happen. *smiles* The creative distractions of this place can be nice, can't they? *laughs a bit* Oddly enough, that's sometimes why I've stepped away, the fact that it can be a distraction when I'm supposed to be concentrating on something. But it's always nice to come back when I'm done and be able to get wrapped up in distraction and creativeness. It's nice to be kinda writing again, even if I "had" to for my Theatre class, it was still kinda cathartic.

I hope things are going a bit better for you, or at the very least that Jim is home. Did I ever mention that my dad's (who had the heart attacks) name is Jim? Similarities abound.

~Gabber

Update- the final days
We drove home through the rain on Memorial Day. He said, "Wow, this is strange," as we went down the road. It must be hard to be out on your own after so much has happened. But I'm here, and with prayer and preparation I'm going to provide what he needs through this time.

He once said to me, "If I knew it was going to like this I might not have chosen to stay here and go throught it all." I said it's not up to you, it effects me too and I want you with me.

I went through a bit of a breakdown for about three days before he came home. The long wait and the stress must have caught up with me. At one point I felt like I couldn't do anything, like I was catatonic. But I finally called my sister and she got me laughing and moving around.

Now we are coping well together. He gets depressed and I tell him it's alright to feel that way. I am able to do a few things around the house and get some needed rest. It's been a blessing to have a little money to support us through this time which we inherited from his mother.

Mostly we are just taking things one day at a time because that's really all a person can do!

Im glad to hear hes on his way to recovery...

you all have been thru a lot..

Again I wish you luck in the coming days..