I ran inside to see you,
Past an oddly unlocked door
When knocks went unanswered
I found barren walls
Uncluttered floors,
Some change and a red lighter
An empty coffee cup
Where the bottom had been ringed
Stained with evaporation
Maybe it tried to follow you
And still got left behind

The rooms are cold
As I walk through them
Walking in your footsteps
Left in hasty vacuum tracks
And suddenly I can’t remember
Suddenly I don’t know what it’s like
For you to be around
I’ve forgotten the excitement
Of what a day with you can be like.

In place of those late autumn days
Spent filling the outline of you
With childhood memories
And indulgent favorites
Slowly trying to figure out
How life sculptured you
During stolen and too few moments

I have this cold apartment
The muffled sounds
Of the neighbors talking
The sparse songs
Of the birds outside twittering
This empty feeling in me
These perfectly unanswered questions.

You secured me
Transported me,
Let me free to wonder thru
A world filled with you
And it was gone in a breath
One brief phone call
Where this goodbye would be the last
Where I could have said
I wasn’t ready to go
It couldn't be the last time
I walked through that door
and into your hands
Where i was captured at my will.

[This message was edited by mons on 07 October 2003 at 07:50 PM.]

mons-
I love to read your work. I know I'll enjoy the language and the thoughts and I know you can take a little constructive criticism if it is needed.

(Before I mention some of my favorite lines)

These two lines need a break between them:

During stolen and too few moments
I have this cold apartment

This part could be clearer:

Somehow,
In a moment,
You secured me
Transported me
To a world of you
Let me free to wonder thru
And now I’m lost

(What do you really want to say here?)

Favorites:

The immage of the empty coffee cup

Walking in your footsteps
Left in hasty vacuum tracks

Slowly trying to figure out
How life sculptured you

Overall you have great images and a great story. I visit with my elderly landlady often and the two lines above really explain my interaction with her.

I wonder of there is a way to make this story more concrete for the reader. Is this experience something that we all can relate to? Is it part of your own history? If so it needs a little more explanation.

That's all I have to say. Enough isn't it?

Nanzar,

Thanks for your critique, i appreciate it like you wouldn't believe! as i do, i was going to read your reply and walk away and think about how to respond. But, i was really so taken by your response that i had to say thank you right now. Thanks for reading, thanks for responding, but most of all thanks for not holding back. I do love criticism on my writing, it is the only way i can improve and i really want to improve. and honest critiques are the hardest things for people to give - but they are the most helpful!

I liked those images you picked out too. ESPECIALLY the learning how life sculpted you. when i met this person, it was immediately what i wanted to do, figure out the mold. And just the smallest of things, like your landlady -- they are amazing puzzles whose final image captured you, and you want to look close at the jigsaw pieces to understand every INCH of how they fit together to form this beautiful person. i love that.

and, as you may have guessed, yes it is part of my own history which is probably why i am being so cryptic/vague about it. What do i want to say? well, i was intrigued (?). I fell into a strong emotion i didn't expect and it wasnt all my fault. make sense. and then, the next thing you know, the object of my affections, my muse, those strong ties, were gone. maybe the problem is i don't know EXACTLY what i want to say yet. and i'm not trying to say i'm hurt or was hurt, or anything bad, just that all that good stuff was gone so fast.

I'll make the quick changes, but i'm really going to think about how to change those really heavy parts. Thanks again for your help, i appreciate it. and stay tuned for tweaks


mons