Tomorrow (formerly "Counterism")

You’re gonna wait ‘til tomorrow, fat boy
Tomorrow, I’ll love ya tomorrow
With these wide open streets in my heart
Heartache to heartbreak we stand
And these romantic dreams in my head

Dreams ended long ago, for me
When I realised the world had grown older
And Winter had settled in for good

I waited on the bridge for your car to glide past
Taking you to the stand for a late night pie
Shivering, hungry for touch

I wouldn’t feel you anyway
Through these maxi layers of denim

Six years I’ve been standing
Front against the wall
I take your money and wait for you to finish
Numb now to the bruising

You forgot my name

My nose runs and I wipe it on my sleeve without thinking
Tomorrow never comes
In my head I wander off to a warmer time
Tucked into bed under my Superman cover
Someone to watch over me
I hope that he turns out to be
More than just a sugar daddy

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Argeaux,

this may be the best thing i've ever read of yours. still digesting...more comments to follow

Right now all i can say is...rock on.

I really liked this one Argy. Although I have to say, when I read this line...

"Heartache to heartache we stand"

that Pat Benatar song started playing in my head. I know, I'm ill.

I'm having several reactions to it, but the words aren't coming out coherently, so like the others, I'll be back when they've all settled.

Suffice to say, more please.

Argy,

Something about your poetry as a whole is always so refreshing. Your voice so distinct. This one lived up to that essence.

It's one of those ones that I want to come back and read a few times over, because there's more to be revealed each time...if you just pay attention.

Very nice indeed.

~Gabber

Actually, I'm going to amend that fourth line, because I had a better idea for it.

It IS supposed to remind you of Pat Benata, anyway, so it's all good.

Saw the edit, must say that I like that much better. Fits quite well.

quote:

Dreams ended long ago, for me
When I realised the world had grown older
And Winter had settled in for good

I am loving this line. Am I conscious of why? Not so much. Just digging it.

I enjoy all of it. Will be reading it some more.

I still have no idea what any of you Ficters like about this poem.

First, everytime I read it I immediately get a picture in my brain like there's a movie being narrated. Almost like a film noir quality but in modern times. It seems to have elements that are both private and enlightening at the same time. Kinda like the reader has picked up a note that was meant for someone else.

Also, it has a nice ass.

it perfectly captures a distinct voice, if that makes any sense....i'm sorry i always come to this when i have just a bit of time. i promise to come back and say more...

it has a tone not so much of despair as resignation. not quite acceptance, though. some dreams remain. though even the dream is more just a memory of a better time. mainly i just like it because, as i said earlier, it voice is so distinct and real. as always i seem to have the hardest time analyzing what i like about the poems i like the most.

tell me what the title means--not the word itself, but how it applies to the piece.

I don't really like the title - it's me having a little in joke with myself.

The title of my novel, that has been roundly criticised, is "Counter". I'm studying "Modernism" at the moment. I combined the two words for my poem's title.

I was inspired to try something new in my poetry after reading about some of the techniques Eliot used. Namely - using words of popular songs for some of his lines, and making sure that the language in his work was the same as what people were using around him.

In a nutshell, I'm trying to start a movement of my own. I'm calling it Counterism because I can't think of anything else.

I always was a fool.

Alright so I think I might have it now. Better late than never.

Like zoom said, it's not really resigned, not really accepting. I get a sense of fatalism, to be honest. Maybe a sense of lethargy (oh Argy McBargy ) that while things are bad, there's no real motivation to change 'em, except maybe in dreams and not necessarily even then.

I think that's what I'm trying to say. God only knows, I can't articulate things for shit these days, lol.

As for being a fool...nah.

I'm using the word fool in the Shakespearian sense, of course.

I liked it too... and if you humor me, i'll tell you why.

"With these wide open streets in my heart" I liked this line, because it was something i never thought of comparing the heart too, and yet it fit perfectly as a visiual and metaphorical tool. i was suddenly engaged in the poem because of that clear relation. streets can be jammed with traffic or perfectly empty, in this case empty, and it reminds me of abandoned neighborhoods or late nights setting the tone i believe.

"When I realised the world had grown older
And Winter had settled in for good" this line is definitive and simple, and it ties in with the feelings i had about the empty streets and tells me, this person is empty in permanence not by chance time of day or weather. the character is coming to grips with the inevitable.

"I waited on the bridge for your car to glide past
Taking you to the stand for a late night pie
Shivering, hungry for touch" i like the smooth combination here of the pie and the hunger for touch. someone's hunger is satiated while another is starving.

"You forgot my name" what is there not to love about this line. set aside from the rest and really driving home that realization. like all through the poem it was other things driving the loneliness, but all the while, your name was forgotton. you were forgotton, you become empty again, like the streets, like the heart, like your longing for someone's touch. a common object you use everyday and you don't know what it's called.

and i like this last part with the nose wiping and the sleeve, it's childlike, and human enough for me to relate at closing of the poem. and as this character walks off down those lonely streets again, they try to find solace in memories. and i'm not sure if you need the "tomorrow never comes" part, it doesn't really do anything. one of those lines that doesnt' add or subtract from the poem. so really, this brings me back to full circle, wondering who the pie eating sugar daddy is, and whether he will ever remember their name.

the title i'm not much for, but it could just be a lack of understanding on my part. thanks for the read! i enjoyed it's subtle layers and the way it conveyed a feeling through a story, and not a pile of abstracts, adjectives and adverbs (the three A's ha ha!). make sense?

mons

Some things ya can't say much about at first, but you always come back to it...everyone seems to be in the same boat i am with this poem. Kind of like synchronicity hey?

I think that's cool, taking lines or words from different songs, i kind of thought that's what you were doing...for example, heartache to heartache we stand(pat benatar) and romantic dreams in my head(bruce springsteen "no surrender"). The lines come together, speak and tell a whole new story and then like mons said, suddenly standing on its own is "You forgot my name"

eek, not only did that shoot thru me like an arrow but it reminded me of my hmm first time, lol she forgot my name, the bitch...long story, lol.. Anyway it totally brought it home, like she said. Ouch. THen I pictured you standing there wiping your nose on your sleeve...all the dreams and grandeur are done and there's just this empty tomorrow-less reality that you try to conceal with a superman cover.

Stellar.

I read this many times over and wondered, could this be a sonnet? So I tried. (First I had to look up how to write one ) Ok I think I got it now.

Tomorrow, I’ll love ya tomorrow. With these wide open streets
In my heart and these romantic dreams in my head
Heartache to heartbreak I'll stand wearing lips of red
On the bridge waiting for your car to glide past me
Yes, long before you, I had many dreams
Till the world had grown older and winter settled in for good
Six years I’ve been searching, giving in for fun and food
(Can you even feel me through these maxi layers and jeans?)
Front against the wall I wait for you to finish and take your money
Numb to the bruising. It's nothing to you. I know you forgot me already.
In my head I wander off, tucked into bed with someone to watch over me
I hope that he turns out to be more than just a sugar daddy.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: The Troll,

Aha!

And just when I was wondering where Nanzar had disappeared to .....

Hi Ya Argy!

I've been mostly lurking lately. You didn't comment on my sonnet attempt, so I will.

I think the origianl has a softer, more innocent tone to it. The breaks give you time to digest what is happening in the story. I also think I hear more than one voice in it (but this has remained unclear to me after several readings).

In the sonnet I used only one voice and that seems to have made it more edgy. I also think I ran over count of syllables in some of the lines making it a bit choppy. This was my first ever attempt at writing one, so for that I think I did pretty well!

Since there have been no comments on my use of another's original work I'll do that too.

In some ways it felt like stealing to write using your words. Of course, I wanted to be as true as possible to what you were saying, but I didn't exactly know the weight of each word and why you chose them. What I liked the most was the result of learning more about the poem through this exercise.

As always your writing inspires me in ways I can't predict. Thanks for sharing this one.

Sorry, I've not been good with the comments lately. My head's gone into essay mode, again. So I just enjoyed your sonnet and let it flow over me.

It's not a bad idea to try a sonnet writing challenge. We'll do that at some stage, hey?