Well, well, well look who's back! Yes, my sweet bits of carrion, it's me, your Auntie Callisto. Feel free to write in for advice on how to deal with pesky boyfriends, family, the woman who killed you and your family, getting peasant brain out of chain mail, etc etc.

Mood (Anger Flavor): Playful, like a kitten with her first kill.

Eating: The heart of some guy who got fresh in a tavern

Drinking: chammomile tea--so soothing

Craving: Some Xena agony

Personality Test fun: If I were a Simpson I'd be:

Mood: Amused
My ears are burning with the number of people talking about me. That little fan girl thinks she can take me out. I might just have to let her try. Before I kill her. Caesar...my mind is feeling a bit fuzzy. I have a vague memory that I tried to help him once, but he screwed it up. Figures.


Listening to: Garbage-Only Happy When it Rains

Personality Fun: Kingdomality Career Testing Services

Your distinct personality, The Prime Minister might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are a strategist who pursues the most efficient and logical path toward the realization of the goal that you perceive or visualize. You will often only associate with those people who can assist you in the implementation of your plan. Inept assistants may be immediately discarded as excess baggage. To do otherwise could be seen as inefficient and illogical. On the positive side, you can be rationally idealistic and analytically ideological. You can be a bold decision maker and risk taker who can move society ahead by years instead of minutes. On the negative side, you may be unmerciful, impatient, impetuous and impulsive. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Athenia from Thrace writes:

Dear Auntie Callisto

What's the best way to deal with an unfaithful lover who stole my best cooking knife?

Oh dear, the old unfaithful lover who steals your few meager possessions. You need to remember that your ex has needs that aren't being met. You should track him down and tell him that he can borrow your knife. Then let him use it by burying deep in his chest after you do a bit slicing and dicing. Remember, you're only lending it to him so be sure to retrieve it and clean it well. Mustn't ruin good cutlery, now.

Hope from Brittania writes:

Dear Auntie Callisto

Why is it that when Xena became mysteriously pregnant Mummy didn't spaz out and kill the spawn the way she did me--THREE TIMES??? I mean, I don't want to whine, but priorities?

Hope, Hope, Hope. Haven't you figured it out? There's a double standard at work here. Xena can destroy nations, slaughter innocents, send my family to an agonizing death in an inferno, but I'm the bad guy when I try to get a little of my own back. You kill one freakin' knight of the round table and her Pantene needy son and you have to be eliminated. Her little spawn not only tries to act like petulant version of Mummy, but does it as the lapdog of the Roman Empire and Xena just sighs, "Kids! What's the matter with all these kids today?". ah well, fear not. Xena won't like it when I take care of her little spawn.

Mood: Bored--by the gods all these people do is talk talk talk talk, put on pretty clothes, talk talk talk talk, fantasize about ripping off Xena's clothes, blah blah blah, hit Joxer on the head, blah blah blah, get petted by the emporer--unless of course you're the guy who never actually got to be emporer in the real time line cause you got a knife or 8 in the torso...

Listening to: Rob Zombie-Living Dead Girl

Quiz me: What color cat are you?




Saw Ares lurking about today...Can't wait to take him out again. Wonder if he's forgotten just how I did that?

I do take some comfort in the fact that Xena is kind of miserable because the whelp turned out bad...and that she's been saddled with her wacky crew of misfit allies. Lots of available weapons to use against her....who to pick first? Shall it be dear Gabrielle? or the ultimate fan girl? the Whelp?


Phallusnot from Delphi writes:

Dear Auntie Callisto

What's the best way to let a co-worker know that he's not pulling his own weight?

Slice open his belly and hand him his stomache and small intestine.

Dear Auntie Callisto

Where do you reccomend going on holiday?[/i]

In a few weeks Amphipolis could be a lot of fun...be sure to stay at Cyrene's Tavern. Her grief should be a real giggle.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Smirk Morgan,

Mood: ambivalent- Xena's spawn is causing the warrior princess so much pain...and yet I just want to swat the little thing down. She's so irritating. What's she got to complain about? Mommy issues? Puh-leeze.

Listening to: Queen, "Killer Queen"

Reading: 12 Steps to Accepting You

Quiz fun: The Animal in You! is a Badger



Dear Auntie Callisto

What can I do to improve my bridge game and get these women to stop hanging on me?

Much love and cannabis,
Omar Shareefer
Cairo

When the other team table talks, I suggest giving them a warning growl. If that doesn't work, cutting off a hand does wonders for my game. If you want to stop women from hanging, try using an axe.

Dear Auntie Callisto

I have a potluck supper to attend next week. Any ideas for a dish?

Ladiesfingers are always a big hit. Especially if you leave the rings on. A tasty gelatin desert can be a welcome addition. Just call it nectar and watch it disappear!

Dear Iphegenia--er, Ephiny,

Your loophole is to make her break her word. Trick her into killing the irritating blonde...or the really annoying red-head. Then close the loophole and strangle away.

I like to use just a little Cayenne pepper in my spaghetti sauce for an extra kick. It really brings out the juicy tenderness of centaur meat. Oops. Make sure you don't overcook the pasta. You might ask that woman who wears dead creatures on her head...I heard she used the memories of a pasta queen to get a dinner party catered free.

Mood: Bored. I think I'll go torch a village. I see one about an hour's ride from Xena's current position. Or....I could get Giddeup just as Livia tries to break her horse. That should be fun.

Listening to: Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun"

Quiz Fun: Which Lone Gunman Are You?

I am:


You're the ultimate man/woman of action! Knowing that life is too short to spend in mediocrity, you've grabbed it by the horns, and you're determined to suck the marrow right out of it. You'd rather leave the hacking to others--you find greater joy in the visceral and mechanical.

Your joie de vivre gives you a certain animal magnitism. Others find you strangely irresistable, and you have used that ability to gain wisdom beyond your years. There is no skill you are afraid to acquire, and no task insurmountable for you. Like Langly, you're particuarly good at spotting a raw deal, and there are those who might mistake you for a cynic, but in fact you are quite the romantic at heart.

Because you see no need to slow down for life, others may find you abbrasive or downright crude. However, those who know you realize that you care deeply for your associates, and they are the only people who you will reveal your true self to. Likewise, your passion for life is not at the exception of those in trouble, for you are an altruist when it comes to your friends, but not really for anyone else.

hmm.....maybe if I had any friends....

Dear Auntie Callisto

Is it possible to crucify a centaur?

Livia

Yes. but you have to use a really big tree...and spread its rib cage.

Dear Auntie Callisto

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Wantmort

Who cares? From now on if you must twist your tongue, allow me to do it while I rip it out of your obnoxious mouth. What do I look like? The sphinx?

I am:


and the animal in me is the Bat:


I like the description, it doesn't all match, but it's cool

Dear Auntie Callisto, I've been wondering, what is the best way to relieve stress after being defeated by a difficult boss in a video game?

Signed, Game Tragic

Mood: Intrigued by the possibilities

Paid a visit to Alti in her lair. She fancies she is at her most powerful there. Whatever. We traded a few barbs when she offered to let me see the past and the future. Well, okay threatened. She was a bit surprised when I told her that was what I was there for. Well, well, well...Xena certainly has been living in interesting times. Alti confirmed what I had suspected --that Livia had my soul. I was a bit queasy when I found out how she had got it. I never wanted to be a mother, but apparently I'm a daddy. Dear Gabrielle must of spit with jealousy when that came out. Tummy settled.

Alti overplayed it a bit. Thought she'd get me by making me live through that day in Cirra. I already do that every day. It gives me strength. I hit her gently and she hit the wall of her cave. A gentle tap from a goddess can smart. I'm amazed that Xena is weak-minded enough to fear that one. Alti rasped something as I was leaving about showing me the future that would undo me, but I pointed out that I'd never let pesky little things like fated death concern me so why would I start now.

Mood: Contemplative

Listening to: Nine Inch Nails Closer

Quiz fun: Which Monty Python and the Holy Grail Character Are You?



Dear Aphrodite,

You win on both counts. When I'm done here I'm gonna get Curly too.

Dear Julius,

Give your mother a really pretty shiny object and wait for her to squeal "Junior!". Oh...and just to let you in on a little secret. Cupid ain't legit. Ask Ares.

That's all for now kids, Love Auntie Callisto

Mood: Angry. I soooo wanted a rematch with Ares. I can't believe the holy man got to take him out. Blaming Zeus....oh well, I still have the chronos Stone, so I can always go back to my own time for one last hurrah. I've been rather amused by little Minya Sue's reaction though.

Visited with the Xenaspawn today. Looks like Alti gave her Xena's chakram. I swiped it for a little while just to tease her, but she got it back. Just like her Mommies, both. We played that game for a little while. Then the centaur tried to take the Chronos Stone from me, so we had to punish him.

Listening to: Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds-Murder Ballads


quiz fun:
Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You?


Dear Auntie Callisto

How do you deal with an ignorant person that just can't come to terms with the reality she's surrounded with?

Concerned in Corinth

I'd just put her out of your misery and kill her. Unless she is me...er I. Then I invite you to try.

Dear Auntie Callisto

Is Tartarus really all that bad?

Curious

Hell is on earth. Tartarus is just more straight-forward.

Mood: almost-but not quite contented
It felt really, really good to gut the holy man. Might not have actually killed him, but it sure smarted. I shall have to remember to bring lemon juice next time. Sigh...I'm never satisfied.

My, my, my. Joxer finally did what I ordered him to do all those years ago. Even if it did take an ex-communicated Amazon to give him the balls to do it. I shall have to pay the poor fellow a visit. An invitation to join my "army" should be just the right little twist of the knife.

Speaking of which...I must drop in and pay Alti a visit. I do think one should offer congratulations when they are due and make the proper exclamations over a newly acquired trophy.

Listening to: Alice in Chains - "Down in a Hole"

Quiz Fun:
which Big Lebowski Are You?




Dear Auntie Callisto

What's the best way to end all the rude awakenings that have been happening to me lately?

Sleepless in Sardinia

Keep a crossbow with a hair trigger by your bed. It takes awhile, but after the third or fourth interrupted interruption people get the hint. If nothing else you get some satisfaction.

Dear Auntie Callisto

Aren't you just part of the Olympian Conspiracy to make the lives of mortal men a burden to them?

Bitter, angry and paranoid

Not the Olympian Conspiracy.

Dear Auntie Callisto

Got a light?

Smokey Joe

You know that will kill you, don't you?

Mood: Cranky. Heard a rumor that the irritating blonde was recovering in Potadaia. Tried three times to get there and kept finding myself just one village over in a different direction. Consoled myself by setting fire to 'Dite's temple in the village that Xena will have to pass through to retrieve her bard.

Not-quite-Caesar went slumming on Mt. Olympus and took Eve. Some god...couldn't control a little lunatic with combat skills.

Listening to: The White Stripes "St. James Infirmary Blues"

Well folks, I'm going down to St. James Infirmary
To see my little baby there; she's stretched on a long white table
Well she looks so good, so cold, so fair
Let her go, let her go, god bless her
Whereever she may be
You may search this whole wide world over
But you'll never find another sweetheart like me

Quiz fun: What pre-1985 Video Game character are you?



Dear Auntie Callisto

Got any suggestions for a sore throat?

Recovering in Potadaia

I could rip it out for you.

Dear Auntie Callisto

Why is my memory so bad?

Name unsigned in Delphi

I don't remember why.

Dear Auntie Callisto

How is it we never heard of anyone taking you on to gain a repuation in the warrior biz?

A fan

Happens all the time. They never seem to be tell anyone else about how they did though. Probably because pieces of them are missing...tongues, arms, heads, hearts....