so here i am. it's been awhile, but nothing changes here. i never crossed over into the amazon land of the dead. how could i? if there's even a chance that i could get back and finish what was started, i could never cross over. not without feeling more empty than i do now. surely i've lost my mind by now. one can only survive on anger for so long without giving in to all that's evil. not that that's what i want. at this point, it's just surviving. i've grown cold and devoid of emotion. how i want that light of life back. what i wouldn't give to see my son. i would almost do....anything.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bailey,

what a moment it's been lately. it must be a full moon because everyone is out to kill something. mostly xena. i have faith in her though. but minya, that poor girl. ever since she found my necklace she's been in so much danger. at first it was fine. i could communicate with her, barely, but it was still nice to have someone mumble your name in their sleep. i've only been able to penetrate the dream world so far, and that's been challenging enough. but then alti figured out what i was doing. her powers are stronger than mine and for the most part she overrides me in the realm. i've been trying to warn minya, but alti's made sure she can't hear my screaming. i can't belive she would really think that alti would just lay all her plans out there for her. hopefully she'll see what a trap it is before it's too late. there's got to be something i can do.

ceaser showed up today. why i have no idea. i'm sure to stir up a little trouble with alti. you'd think killing these fools would teach them something. but no. it's ironic. as much as i hate him and what he's done, we were both killed by the same person. well, his first death anyway. i almost feel bonded to him. like we're here for the same reason. it makes me sick at the same time.

i've got to get out of here. i'm not sure how much more good i can do here. maybe i don't want to do more good. good is for suckers. know what good gets you? dead. that's what. oh, there i go again. i loose a little more control everyday now. this place is sucking out my soul. i've thought about asking her. asking her if she'd take me back with her. i feel like a little child that doesn't want to play any longer. i can't even imagine what she would ask of me to grant my wish. or if she would even entertain the idea. what am i thinking?

i must sleep now. sleep helps.

i'm instantly awake, but the slumber from sleep still lingers. i'm mildly aware of my surroundings. it's all pink and orange here. i seem to be sitting on a cliff. three candlemarks. that's how long i made it back in the land of the living. three. way to go eph. i lean back bouncing my head off of the rock behind me. the mere beginning of the punishment i have in store for myself. what have i done? i'm filled with so many things, anger, hurt, mourning, sorrow, anger, rage, loathing, pity, vengefulness, anger, regret, and anger. funny, i'm not finding love anywhere on that list. i hate the word, as i hate what it has done to me. and i hate myself, for believing in something other than the ways taught to me by the elders before me. where the hell am i anyway? as if in answer to my question, these winged things decended upon me and carried me off. like hell they are. i tried to struggle, tried to get free, but they had a firm grasp on me and i was in their control. finally, we come to what i hope was the end of our journey. why is everyone here so happy? finally, this blonde guy with wings made his way over to me.

"Ephiny, we've only just heard of you, and now here you are. Welcome."

"scuse me? mind maybe telling me where i am?" i retorted. i'm so tired of struggling through someone else's plan.

"This is heaven my child." He said smiling like a big idiot.

"i'm not your child." I said through squinted eyes.

"Ephiny, you have chosen the way of love. This is to be your home for the rest of your destiny."

"can't you just send me back to earth as a cockroach or something? that's about how I feel."

He laughed. "Oh my child. You will enjoy it here, I promise."

enjoy it? was that what i deserved? "ENJOY IT? is that what you think i'm all about. i chose the way of love so my afterlife would be all sunshine and daisies? i'm a warrior, a fighter, a KILLER. i didn't ask for this, i don't WANT this." anger inflamed my senses

"i didn't choose the way of love. i chose to follow it as it was being forced upon me by a man that brought me back to life and talked of the horrific things that would ensue if i strayed. yet, it is not that fear that has brought me here. something much worse. the fear of the amazons, and my son, being mercilessly slaughtered. that's what has brought me here. so tell me again what i chose."

he looked almost confused. calmly he said, "Ephiny, you are with your father now. Everything will be fine. You have been forgiven."

what the hell was this guy on? forgiven? for what exactly? "i would rather spend my days in hell than stay here and slowly lose every agonizing memory i've ever had. those memories shaped me, made me who i am, and some of the most painful memories i have, are of the ones i love. i will not allow you to take those from me." look at these mindless idiots. no clue as to who they were. now they merely existed.

"Ephiny it is the way of love--"

"shut it. it was the way of love that what? got my son enslaved? landed me here with you idiots? made me give up my right as queen? made me compromise my integrity? cause those things, well, they were great and all, but that's just not me."

"You did what you had to do, your tribe and your son are both safe."

"if i had a TRIBE i wouldn't be here, now would i?"

"This is true. But's it's all for a purpose. You made the right choice."

"gee, that exactly what i said to Livia right before she stabbed me. what is it with the Roman's and stabbing anyway?" the rage boiled inside me, i could take it no longer. i made my choice, right then and there. i looked at the angel and how his mouth just kept moving even though i wasn't listening. what a brainwashed fool. then i caught the end of his sentance.

"--this is what your son would want for you."

i saw white, then red, then black. i'm sure my son would love to pick out a nice piece of heaven for mom as he's being enslaved by a roman lunatic. i coiled my arm back and struck him right along the jawline. hard. there was a collective gasp around me. he brought his hand to his cheek, but made no attempt to retaliate.

"i renounce the way of love. i detest what it has done to me and my family. love is a weakness, i see that now. i want no part of it. i will be no one's disciple."

"So be it then."

and i was falling and falling. i closed my eyes and eased into the sensation. i almost smiled. then i stopped. in midair. you have got to be kidding me. what now? i'm not going back up there. i started to struggle, attempt to get free. then i heard a voice.

"Do not struggle, this is difficult enough."

i know that voice. yakut? yakut! why would she be trying to save me, i was not one of them anymore. all of a sudden everything around me was moving too fast to comprehend. it was blurs of color, light, and shadow but nothing recognizable. then the air was knocked out of me. once again, face down on the ground, filled with questions. at least this time i still had clothes. and no desire to pee. okay, so i'm still dead, just somewhere else.

"Ephiny, get up. What is wrong with you?" she sat on a rock, just looking at me, as if trying to figure me out.

i sat up. took stock of my surroundings. it was dark, like night. i had no idea where we were. there was a fire behind Yakut. i rubbed my head.

"I asked what was wrong with you." She asked, almost looking confused.

"i--i--damn, could you give me a minute, i've had a hell of a day." get off my ass. let me put the pieces together, then you can yell at me.

"YOU--ARE--AN--IDIOT. Zeus Ephiny, what were you thinking?" she sounded almost disgusted with me. i couldn't blame her really. but it just angered me more.

"HEY, i did what i had to do. i'd like to think that YOU'D do the same for your sisters and if you think--"

"You so don't get it. I'm not talking about what you did or didn't do." she walked over to me and sat down on the ground right across from me. she looked exasperated. "what i'm talking about is you, who you are, and who you will always be."

i just stared at her. what is she talking about. who gives a shit anyway. it's not like it makes a difference. no amount of therapy was going to fix the hole i had dug myself into.

"Ephiny, you are an Amazon. You can't give that away. It's part of who you are, it's engrained in you. You are still an Amazon, you are still the Queen--"

"if that's true, then why did i end up in heaven?"

"It was your state of mind. You truly believed that you were no longer an Amazon just because you uttered a few words. It doesn't work like that. You can't give up the fact that you're a woman, just like you can't give up that you are an Amazon. It's a part of you, and it will be forever. How could you not know that? How could you even doubt that?"

"i don't know. everything is so screwed up right now. i haven't been thinking clearly for a long time now." i starred at the ground, unable to make eye contact with her. "hey, if i'm still an amazon, doesn't that put livia in the wrong for kill--"

"No. You entered into an agreement, and with the statement you made, and what you believed in your heart, there was no fault in her actions." she calmly explained.

"but i'm endebted to her. i made a deal. that bitch owns my worthless ass." the anger was returning anew.

"In death, if we have entered our dealings fairly, we are relieved of our debts. A person cannot be expected to fulfill what they cannot once they have lost their body. The soul alone cannot bear the burdens that we carry in life."

"But at the same time, Livia upheld her side of the deal. Your son and your tribe live on. You must not seek vengenance for that which you agreed to."

"but the circumstances...she forced...what choice did i have--"

"It doesn't matter. You knew the circumstances, she just outwitted you. You must get past this. Just let it go."

"Yakut, you make sense. hell yeah i'm bitter about it, but you're right. i've just got to find a way to get past this. i think time is what i need."

"You have time, but very little of it. You do what you need to make yourself healthy again."

"thank you yakut, for your kind words. and for giving me what i needed."

"Do what you need, but do it quick. Do you know what I had to go through to get to you? Five more minutes and you wouldn't have had to hit that angel."

i chuckled. "he had it coming. he hit a sore spot."

"Well, he ain't our god, so it don't matter." she shot me a grin.

"Ephiny, you need to decide now, where is it you want to go? The land of the Amazon dead?" she braced the subject cautiously keeping my feelings in mind.

i thought. where can i do the most goo---the most harm. be the most useful. i'm so over the good crap. i know.

"i'd--i'd like to go back to where i was before my world came crashing in on me. i--i could keep an eye on alti there, and it wasn't that bad. i could communicate with a few others in the land of the living. could, could you do that? send me back there?"

"I can do that. If that's what you want. I do wish you'd come back to the Amazon land, but I will do what you wish."

"can you come back with me?"

"No, I can't. But, I can give you this. It's a rather long and complicated story as to how I came to have it, and that's not what's important right now. Take this, use it well. Be the warrior you are. I wish you nothing but the best Ephiny, with you I send my love and encouragment."

i looked to see what she had pressed into my hands. no way. i looked at it in all it's gleaming glory. i whispered to myself 'the dagger of helios' just before my world turned to black once more.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bailey,

i stretch my limbs as the sleep leaves my body. roll my head around on my shoulders. spread my arms wide. *yawn* clear my throat. now i'm all prepared for my journey. the final step that will bring me back once and all. with xena and gabrielle in place in the living, they are my link to returning. thank the gods for them. someone, someone is walking far off in the distance. i'm sadenend. another amazon, another amazon death. such a waste. she looks young, and fit, and like--

no. it can't be. i squint my eyes. try to will myself in for that closer look. i unconsiously take a step foward. my heart drops. beyond the ground, it seems to fall. tears fill my eyes. but i do not shed them. these tears are for my plan, and the realization that it will not work now. selfish tears. she continues walking. towards me. i begin my own journey to her. the steps seem to go on forever, until at last, we are face to face. we are both crying. her for me, and me for her. i open my arms. we hug, and cry, and hold onto each other for strength. this seems endless. finally, we pull back. each assessing the other.

"Ephiny, i'm so sorry, the plan--"

"it doesn't matter. it can be replaced, but you, what happened? who's responsible?" my sorrow quickly reshapes to anger, vengance.

"I'm not sure. It-it was Joxer, but I mean, it couldn't have been him. He-he had the chakram, and he was coming at me with, he lunged foward, then black. That's all I know." She struggled through, her own confusion with the situation, clearly apparent.

"why would--how could?" i stumbled with my response. "it doesn't make any sense, we'll have to let this one play through, and see how comes up guilty."

"But now Xena, Xena is without me, and you for that matter." She said in a near state of panic.

“hey, calm down. you’ve been through a lot. one thing we have here is time, though not a lot. just breathe, and we will rationalize this.” i said. no idea how this was going to be rationalized, but i didn’t know what else to say.

just then, i did have a revelation. i had a pretty good idea who was behind Gabrielle’s death. the only person capable. the only one with the desire. “Gabrielle, you must cross over. go to the amazon land of the dead. you must go now.”

“No. I won’t do it. I want to stay and help. Together we can do something--“ She adamantly replied.

“this is not up for discussion. you need to go. please, listen to me. do as i ask.” i was not above pleading with her.

“Ephiny, you know me, you know that I will not run from a fight. This is something I believe in and I will fight for it, no matter what it takes. I would not ask the same of you, please do not do this to me now.” Her eyes narrowed toward the end of the sentence, making me realize the full impact of the situation I was placing her in.

“you’re right. it’s not fair. i’ll respect your decision to stay.” i didn’t like it, but she was an independent person, and she was right.

“So, let’s get to planning. And you know something you’re not telling me. What is it?”

“slow down. you need rest. this is going to require a lot of spiritual strength, and you need your rest after what you’re spirit has just been through.”

“I can’t sleep now. My mind is too busy, let’s just start planning, and when I’m tired, I’ll sleep.”

“how bout this.” i said as walking over to my rock, the rock i have called my own since i’ve been here. “have i ever told you about the time i went to the Lands of the Svear?”

Her eyes lit up, so childlike that way, with her love of stories. “No, you haven’t. But now is not the time--“

“just listen, rest you mind. we will have plenty of time to discuss matter of importance.”

i laid back on the grass in front of my rock. she followed suit. this was good. if i could get her mind to slow down enough to realize it’s tiredness, then we could move forward with everything else we needed to do. i hate the fact that she’s staying here. but i love it at the same time. she’s easy prey for Alti right now, so i stay awake and protect her. we’ll work on building her mind, and mine as well. for now….

“After my ceremony of majority I had heard stories of the Vikings and they captivated me in everyway. So I set off for the Land of Svear with hopes of joining the legendary adventures…….

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bailey,

and then she was gone. someone brought her back to the land of living, my only hope, that whoever it was, was a friend, not a foe. alone. again. this was getting to be unbearable. oh my child, my son, my xenan. she promised not to kill him, but she's lost her mind, she doesn't know what she's doing. i fear for his safety. i hear his thoughts often, that gives me hope, but it his thoughts that are troubling me beyond reason. i can't leave him there. right now his is a fate almost worse than death. i just--i just can't bear it. i must do something. this is no longer about me. no longer about my morals. right now i have one goal, and one goal alone. i must save him. and i will do it my any means necessary. i know who's help i need. i can no longer rely on xena and gabrielle. they are seperated, and they must be together to help me. there is only one person that can help me now. if can call it help. i set off. i know where to find her. and she'll know i'm coming. i have no choice.

as i aproach her dwelling, i see figures looming around her. animatedly discussing something. probably the devil himself if i know her. as i get nearer, their meeting seems to be over and all depart, with the exception of her.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bailey,