The sovereign who waited between worlds entertained himself with the child Hope for a while. He taunted her about her claims of evil powers, and heard all kinds of stories about her father's exploits.

"It's not that I don't believe you child, but I don't think you understand whom you are dealing with here. I have been to many worlds and seen many forms of darkness. Yours just doesn't stack up to the rest."

"If you are so powerful why are you still here?"

"I am waiting for the right moment. I am watching the time trails; my time is coming very soon."

He looked across the curvature of space to a point in the distance. He could see a man in a robe, surrounded by light walking toward them.

"And here it comes now!"

Eli carried a stone that glowed green. The look on his face said he wasn't too happy about meeting with this world-jumper, but he also wore a look of determination. "I can use you in my universe."

"Is that so…And what do I get in return?"

"The grateful thanks of a warm-hearted people?

"Uh, not quite good enough."

"To see the bad guys pay?"

"Closer."

"To get out of here, and after you help me I'll see that you get back to your own struggle," he said, knowing he had him now.

"And what about the girl," he turned to Hope, "You want to come with this holy man?"

"She doesn't get a choice in the matter," said Eli sternly.

"OH you think so, do you!" I'll get my father to…to.."

Forget it Hope. You have a date with your mother.

Eli then whisked Hope off to the forest where she first met her real mother so long ago. Gabrielle was shocked and pleased to find her. But the reunion was not so great for Xena- now that she knew that Hope was going to kill her son, she had her work cut out for her. (But that story will never be told, because that past can not be undone.)

Eli, and the Hercules look-alike, joined the group at the castle. No one was the wiser. Eli sent him off to contact Xena and see what she was up to- with a warning, "Don't trust her for a moment Herc, she has plans for you as well."

"I’ll be on my guard," he said, "and I have this weapon if she tries anything on me," he said, pointing to the small device at his belt.

Eli then set off to find Gabriel. The preparations looked good, but he wanted to make sure a certain uninvited guest would show up for the festivities.

A FEW DAYS BEFORE...

"Pick something else," Livia's tone brooked no argument.

"But, I like that name." The girl whined.

"No, it's too much like my own and I have no peers. Pick something else or I will do it for you."

The girl crossed her arms and pouted. "Fine, I don't care, do whatever. You're just like everyone else, always bossing me around."

The Champion of Rome rolled her eyes. Ungrateful brat. "Very well. Your new name will be...Bellona. Yes, I like that. You'll be Bella for short."

The girl mouthed the name a few times and shrugged. "Okay."

Livia grinned, "It's settled. Come Bella, let me show you the splendors of Rome."

And the two set off to procure some debauchery for the now twenty something young woman.

THE PRESENT TIME...

"Do you know what this is, Bella?"

The young woman shrugged. "Looks like some sort of circle thing. What is it?"

Livia pursed her lips. "It's a chakram. One of three apparently. The only person who's ever wielded it was - "

"Xena." Livia raised her eyebrow at the girl's interruption. "I know who Xena is Livia. I know what she is to you, what she is to my mother, what she is to my father. I know lots of things." This last bit was said with just a hint of smugness.

The Champion of Rome itched to slap the irratating smirk off that brat's face. 'Patience Livia, Patience.'

"How do you know so much, you were only around Xena for a very short time. You were still a child."

The girl shrugged. "I just know." She turned a calculating eye on the current Empress of Rome. "Do you know what it's for?"

Livia rolled her eyes. "For killing people."

Bellona laughed. "Well yeah, but do you know what else it's for?"

A careless shrug was all she received in answer. She took her time in answering, wanting to draw out the moment. Now, all the plans were falling into place.

"It opens a door. It's also the key to Xena's soul."

Livia slowly turned her face to look at the young woman. "Her soul, you say?"

Bella nodded, "Mmm-hm. Lots of people want control of it. Lots of people want the power that opening that door will bring. Lots of people want lots of things but the only one who can do both, is my father."

"Think of what you could do for Rome if you had it. I know what's in your heart, you want to restore the Empire to it's former glory and then some. My father can make it happen, for a small service in return."

The daughter of Xena curled her lip in disgust. "Not interested. I will not be a pawn in anyone's game any more. I make my own destiny, I decide who I will spare and who I will slay. It is of no consequence what the machinations of your father are."

Bella yelped as a hand circled her neck with frightening speed and began to exert pressure. "And you would do well to remember that I am not a fool, Bella. I see through your schemes. You're still an amateur, girl, you are no match for my cunning and my intelligence. Now get out of my sight before I decide to take you back to that barn and your billy goat boyfriend."

The girl scurried away, biting back frustration. So close, she almost had her. Time was running out. Dahok needed that third chakram.

Livia cast a furtive glance at the retreating girl. She shook her head. Idiot. To think she wouldn't see through her thinly veiled attempts at recruiting.

The Champion of Rome brought the chakram that hung at her side up to the light. The key to Xena's soul? Highly unlikely. Still...one couldn't be too careful. Especially when it came to Xena.

Livia walked out to the balcony of the main room and stared off into the darkness. "If this thing really is the key to some door and to Xena's soul, she'll be wanting it and badly. But I've seen no sign of her since our last encounter. What are you up to...Mother?"

Zeus finds himself bored... beckons to Hera and makes his way down to earth.

'I did enjoy that rum we found in Minya's room that time, how about we go find her stash, and get, what do they call it my dear... BLITZED' Hera says with a smile on her face.

They zap their way over to where the group is staying, and find that Minya hasn't been drinking much lately, so her stash is fully loaded and ready to be drunk.

Grabbing a bottle each, they make their way over to the local hot tub. Finding it empty, they strip off and hop in...

Well my dearest of dear wives, i am starting to see the effects of this rum, that entices the mortals so.. there is a fuzziness in my head, that makes me feel good.

In walks Minya, and pours some more hot water in, not even looking at the other people in there, her mind on other things, and strips off and hops in herself.

Hera mutters to herself about how it's too hot now and how inconsiderate people are and stumbles outside for some air.

Zeus hands Minya some rum.... 'Looks like you need some of this old girl. Dahok for the inlaws can't be fun'.. Minya glances up and sees Zeus in the hot tub in all his glory. ' I.. I.. I didn't see you there' stuuters Minya, trying not to look at the one place she can't stop herself from looking.

Zeus hands Minya some rum, she drinks from it deeply. *Insert dirty visual sex scene here*


And then Hera walks back in. 'You're always ... inserting yourself into mortal affairs, aren't you?'.. Huffs Hera, eyeing what is going on never the less. And while you're at it. You two have a Peeping Tom you know' and points to a window of the hut, to see Eli's blushing face, disappear from view.

'OH ELI!.' Minya yells out. "I always knew you had a thing for sexy ol' me, and couldn't admit it. Now i know you want this booty' As drunken Minya jumps out of the hot tub, runs out naked, and drags Eli back in.

Seeing that Zeus knows he has majorly pissed Hera off, he figures out a way to make her happy again. He knows her deepest fantasy and decides to make it come true. 'Her my darling, this one's for you' As he grabs Eli by the back of the neck and bends Eli over.. Eli realises he has been prayin' to the wrong.............'OH MY GOD'

*insert gratuitous male sex scene here*

And as Zeus climaxes he accidently lets go 2 lightening bolts.

One hits Minya and the other hits Eli.

All that is left is 4 kidneys, Minya's head, and Eli's eyeballs.


'My darling Zeus. And that is why, during our love making, it makes me ever so glad I'm not mortal'..Hera slurs. As they go back up to Olympus to ravish each other, and pass out from too much rum.

Paulina declined dite's offer to be whooshed to Athens, deciding to walk it. Whooshing gave her a tummy-ache & made her ears pop. Part-way to Athens, thinking about her late love Minya, Pauly didn't see or hear the screaming woman approach until they collided.

"HELLLLL-llllppPPPPP us pul-leeeeze!" cried the collided woman atop Pauly.

Uh, help me instead, Pauly thought, cuz this lady atop her was heavy & squeezing the air out of her.

"MMmmmpph, please get off me and maybe I can help you." Regretting the latter part as soon as she said it. Rule 1- don't offer help when you're a warrior wanna-be not a warrior know-ya be.

Took a lot of energy but the still screaming woman lifted herself off Pauly. "Eyes! Two flying evil eyes have attacked my village! They're attacking people! Two eyes from Hades! C-c-can you help us?"

Pauly reached out her hand and said, "Yeah, gimme the rum you been guzzlin' & i'm sure them mean 'ol eyes will close shut & vanish." Then the nameless woman- who we'll call Ann Nonomus- pulled on Pauly's sleeve, taking her to the nearby village of Pottyidea, where, sure enough, they both saw a pair of sinister looking eyes flying at and attacking the locals.

The eyes would trip people up & make them fall. They would lift light though dangerous items (scissors, small knives, sour grapes, etc) and toss them at the villagers, making them bleed or worse, annoyed. Pauly hadn't witnessed such helplessness since Minya accidently ate some of Joxer's radish stew. But what was with these eyes? Were they just ticked because they had no glasses to wear? Had they made Visine, the God of Unbloodshot Eyes angry?

Paulina was about to suggest taking a boat oar and bat 'em back to hell when who should come riding up on her horsie-

"Hey Gabrielle, didja round up all the mirrors and take 'em to the end of town like i asked ya to?" Xena inquired of Pauly.

"Um, I'm Pauly, Xena, and I need to tell you about Minya, she'-"

"Yeah, I talked to Minya for ya, cuz I know you talked to Hower. I can do sensitive chats, too, Gabby."

Pauly knew the precious still had a screw loose, imagining that she was Gabrielle. Well, it looked like Xena hadn't slept in ages, was probably running a fever and needed real food, not that beef jerky stuff that Xena liked buying at those horse stations off the freepathway.

"So, Gabby, don't use my chakram to clean fish anymore, ok?."

"Xena, look at those flying eyes in the village. You gotta stop them!"

Xena jumped off Argo quickly and grabbed Pauly. "Gabby! The vision! That forky snowy mountain near where we get crucified- that's it over in the distance!"

Pauly sighed, looking in the distance all directions one saw nothing but wheat fields. The evil eyes then flew over them and buzzed near Xena, who caught one and tossed it away to fly again. "I told ya Gabby, I don't have lice!" But then, in a moment of clarity (Pauly hoped), "Them eyes, Gabby, those are Eli's eyes. I knew he had eyes for you but this is going too far. Gabby, I'm heading to Chin to kill the Green Hornet er I mean Green Dragon. Don't follow me, ya follow? I mean you understand?"

Pauly knew Eli's eyes had been missing since the hot tub massacre. But Eli wouldn't still live through evil eyes. These eyes must be possessed by some demon. This she told to Xena. who murmered, "Yeah, Gabby, must be a demon from India. Remember that demon who possessed you when you thought you were a Debby er I mean Devi? Yep, gotta be."

"So um, refresh my memory," Pauly replied, playing along with Xena's delusion, "how'd we get the demon out of Ga- me?"

"Well, it was Eli who cast it out. Gabby, you should know that." Pauly muttered a "doh!" to herself, knowing they couldn't get dead Eli to cast out the demon from his possessed eyes.

"I'll tell ya what'll help, Gabrielle, let's go fishin! Well, it may not help but it can't hurt!" laughed Xena.

Then- "Helping is what I do, Xena, hurting Gabrielle is your job. Hurting this woman you mistook for dead Gabrielle is your job. Hurting this eyeball plagued village is your job, Xena. The jinn have told me to come here to make the eyes into pupils of the Light...you get it, "pupils", ha ha!" said the woman who suddenly appeared on the scene. To Pauly she smiled and said, "I'm Najara, I'm here to help. As compared to Xena whose job is only to hurt."

Xena's tiredness did not make her forget Najara. "You bitch, Najara! My job is gonna be to hurt you!" To which she used an ungodly amount of speed in taking her sword and cutting Najara's head clean off before she could even move.

"Xena!" Pauly screamed. "How could you kill this innocent woman who came to help us? Are you evil Xena again?!"

As Pauly held her arms out wide in frustration, Xena giggled and said, "But Gabrielle, the day is repeating itself! Tomorrow Najara will be good as new & Joxer will bring us goose eggs as he always does. I jutst gotta figure out wh-" Xena never finished the sentence. Pauly had snuck up behind her & clobbered Xena with a shovel. She had to knock Xena out, let her catch some sleep, and hopefully be miles away before she awoke. Xena was too dangerous without sleep.

"But the eyes," cried Ann Nonomus, "they've started a fire by rubbing a stick between themselves. We need help in killing them!"

Pauly never seen such pathetic people. Why hadn't they thrown a tarp over the eyes or batted them with an oar or shoot arrows at them. Why were they so wimpy? Had Salmoneous been their mayor? Pauly grabbed an oar and started off to womp some flying demonic eyes.

The eyes had now jumped down the dress of a teenage village girl who was shrieking, "You dirty old eyes, get your nasty lashes off me!" As the eyes darted out the bottom of the girl's dress, Pauly caught them in mid-air with a strong swing of the oar. The eyes went high, went low and then- and then- the eyes made conatct onto the back of someone's head. The eyes were now afixed to the back of that head. Whose head was it?

"Get off your stinkin eyes off a-me!" shouted Gabrielle/Oliva/Bella, swinging her arms backwards to try to loosen the grip of the eyes on the back of her head.

But the eyes had a vision. A vision to live where they were now. Eyes without a face? Nope, a face started growing around the eyes! Another pair of arms and legs began to sprout from the body. Bella moaned in agony (or was it delight?)- Dahok had never promised there'd be days like this! "I will take over my rear side!" she growled. "I'm the meanest, most powerful demon here!"

The mouth beneath the rearview eyes now spoke, "I am Eyedrijit. Third cousin, once removed to Indrajit. This body is mine. You, Bella, daughter of Dahok, are under my control. We are returning to India. Eli once thought he had cast me away by destroying my body. But my spirit pursued him everywhere. I saw the chance to live again through his eyes after the hot-tub massacre. Now I am whole again."

"Fool!" shouted Bella, "why didn't you possess another body? Why possess dismembered eyes? The odds of you getting onto the back of a head- I don't get it."

"Eli's eyes are powerful. With these eyes attached to a head, I can burn anything simply by looking at it. Observe that soon-to-be-burnt village." Eyedrijit stared at the village- it's occupants fleeing- but no fire ignited. "I don't get it, there should have been a big fire just now." he muttered in disappointment.

"Ha ha, " laughed Pauly, "I bet your powers have been neutralized cause you & Bella share the same body. Neither of you two are powerful now."

So it was true. Bella no longer had any powers as long as Eyedrijit was a back-head passenger. The two began fighting one another with their respective arms, thinking this would lead to one victor, but it only wore their single body down. They did agree on one thing- head first to Gregor's kingdom in hope of a cure for this.

Later-

The village gathered round Pauly as a pooped Xena slept. Ann Nonomus stepped to the head of the crowd. "Paulina Warrior Woman, we thank you. You have saved Pottyidea. As a token of our gratitude, we'd like you to have a horse in your journey onward." Someone brought a horse to Pauly. "We call her Fargo," continued Ann, "we hope she serves you well." Thunderous applause for Pauly.

"Aw shucks, I just did.." she started to say 'what I thought you people should have done on your own had there been a brain in this village' but settled with..."what I thought would help. Thanks for Fargo, my feet will thank ya too."

Then, as Pauly was starting to leave, a younger blonde woman from the village approached her and said, "Let me come with you. I won't stay home. I don't belong there, Pauly I'm not the little girl that my parents wanted me to be. You wouldn't understand."

Still smarting from the loss of Minya but knowing Mins wouldn't want her to live a life alone, she told the sweet lass, "You know, where I'm headed, there'll be trouble. Heck, it'll probably be me causin the trouble. But hop on Fargo, and we'll see how things go. Oh, by the way, ya gotta name?"

"Scabrielle..."

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was...Paulina!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: xenacrazed,

"Well," thought Cupid, as he watched Paulina and Scabrielle ride away on Fargo, "I guess my work with that girl is done!" He smiled broadly. Scabrielle had been easy to hit with his arrow...she'd been languidly gazing into Putricus's eyes--when suddenly she went away for a drink of water and her eyes fell on Paulina who hadn't seen her. SCORE! Cupid shot an arrow, and cured her of Putricus's puppy dog lavishings for good and all! And Paulina? She was no longer in danger of drinking herself into a stupor every night mourning over Minya, Warrior Woman.
Minya had lived her life to the fullest and died in fine style thought Cupid. How many others could say that they died while doing the lurrrrrve thing? Not many. She'd gone out with a bang. He knew she was enjoying herself and Joxer in her little cottage with the rum well. He smiled. All was fair in love and war.
"Now for the REAL challenge!" He braced himself. He knew Dite's Afro had recruited none other than Draco for her mission...well, good enough, he can do that, thought Cupid...he figured Xena needed another woman to take her mind off her current confusion. And....women who loved women were SO much fun to watch!
Now, now, Cupid, he thought, giggling. Behave.
The perfect suspect was now hovering over Xena's unconscious form, which Paulina had left in the road now. With a knife. Hmmm, thought Cupid. If anyone is in need of some love poo....
She was short, slight but very wiry and tough. SHe had long flaming red hair and HUGE bosoms that would make BOTH Dite's Afro and Mavican seethe in jealousy. Cupid grinned, thinking of Mavican. She was already so jealous of Dite's Afro's breasts--wait til she got a load of these!
Cupid knew her, had watched her for awhile. Her name was Drusilla, and she was the lost sister of Scabrielle. She'd run away a long time ago, in search of Minya, hoping she could recruit the warrior woman into killing Xena with her and taking over. Then again she also wanted to kill Paulina and have Minya for herself which wasn't nice. No--the time had come. Cupid was needed.
He pulled out his trusty bow and arrow--and with nimble fingers, hooked up a bow and....
THWACK!
Perfect! Cupid sighed, smiling in ecstasy. The look on Drusilla's face was....priceless. The arrow disappeared just as quickly as it penetrated her...and she dropped the knife, looked down at Xena and fell madly, passionately in love.
"Oh!" she breathed. "What have I been MISSING all my life?"
Now for the final touch! Cupid focused on Xena...and winked. Xena woke up out of her unconscious stupor.
"What th--Gabrielle?" Pity, thought Cupid. She was still so confused! Well...nothing like a little love poo to clarify things a little! He watched happily as Drusilla lovingly helped Xena to her feet.
"Are you all right? Oh my love! Who DID this to you?" Drusilla cried.
"I am not 'your love,'" Xena snarled, pulling away from her. "I--"
Turn around, Xena my sweet, thought Cupid. Eeeeeasy does it. Turn around....
YES!
Xena turned at just the right moment and....THWACK!
"Oh my gods...what?" Xena shook herself off as the arrow disappeared. SHe looked at Drusilla...and....
Cupid grinned and with a flick of his finger started futuristic music that only they and himself could hear. It was Tsaichovski's Romeo and Juliet ballet, the balcony scene. As the music played...Xena and Drusilla came together...and as the rest of the town watched in fascination, they began to dance, ballet style, together. Xena held Drusilla by the hand, and Drusilla did some pirouettes--the look on Xena's face was pure ecstasy. Then Drusilla spun away from her, and Xena spun away from her...and the two of them ran into each other's arms, Xena lifting Drusilla up and spinning her around. The crowd cheered uproareously. Then the dancing stopped, and the two of them just fell into each other's arms, kissing passionately.
"Awww!" Ann Nonomous said tearfully, wiping away a few falling drops. The town clapped again, and Xena lifted Drusilla off the ground. Drusilla's head fell back languidly.
"Xena," she said in a husky voice, "Forget Gabrielle! Forget the third chakram! Forget Alti! It's me that you want!"
"Yes," Xena said softly.
"No," said a voice behind Cupid.
He whirled around. PERFECT! He rubbed his little hands together. She couldn't see him after all. He was wearing his invisibility sheild.
OOOOO, Gotta love me! Cupid thought, giggling. Although why I never thwacked Alti in the FIRST place is beyond me. Too many other things on my mind I guess. Like Ares. I HAD to thwack him. He was getting too ruthless. Just cuz he's a god after all don't mean he can't be thwacked once in a blue moon! Cupid grinned, remembering how he'd nailed Ares just when he'd seen Joxer that one time--and later Minya. That was so funny! And in the end...it had proven very beneficial.
Cupid smiled as he stepped back and watched Alti.
"I may not have my powers anymore, Xxxxxxena," Alti hissed to no one in particular, "But I can still make a difference in your little world! Ohhhhh, I have big plans indeed. I'm going to get my powers b--"
Thwack.
Alti gasped. But there she was. Standing within eyesight.
Dite's Afro. Cupid giggled. Oooo she's gonna kill me! But I couldn't help it, he thought. I--I HAD to do it, I had to!
Alti's face melted, her big doe-like eyes just staring at the Goddess of Love, looking so sexy in her Afro and her huge bosoms. Alti stepped back, just staring.
"What," she finally said, "What is happening to me?"
Cupid couldn't help himself, he roared with laughter. Dite's Afro heard him of course, and sighed in exasperation. All right, he thought, I'll be good, Mom.
I'll get you for this, She spoke into his mind.
Oh come on, Mom, you know you've always had a thing for Alti. Even if she does wear rabbits on her head....
You're just lucky I'm into the love poo, sonny boy. Otherwise....
Come on, Mom. Isn't this part of your plan?
AS IF! Me and ALTI? I'd sooner bed smelly old Draco than the likes of her! But all right, she sighed into his mind.I AM the Goddess of Love after all. But you could have done something better with her you know! There's a goat standing over there....
Mommmm! Cupid whined, Bestiality...ick! Even Alti I wouldn't wish that on!
So why pick on little ol' me?
Because you're the Goddess of Love!
Oh--whatever! Dite's Afro sighed. But I am GOING to make you pay for this, you unruly son of my bro!
Hey! I could thwack you. I thwacked him...
DON'T YOU DARE!
All right...no worries...just a thought, Cupid said contritely. Anyway...I need to be going now. There's ahhhh, someone ELSE that needs a little of the thwacking action.
If you're thinking about Livia, she's not interested. She has her own plan. I'd leave her alone with it.
What, so she can slaughter more innocents?
No...she hasn't slaughtered anyone in awhile. Something tells me she's up to something. Well...now that Xena has found Drusilla maybe she'll be better able to handle her lil spawn. Dite's Afro turned to him then and grinned. Nice work, son.
Thanks, Mom!
Ugh, well I better get this over with! Actually, Alti is kind of sexy....I just need to teach her how to dress! Maybe this won't be so bad. Dite's Afro grinned.
Well...ok Mom, I gotta go now!
You do that!
Enjoy!
Shaddep!
Cupid grinned and turned away to go to his next mission. He knew Dite's Afro was tough but down inside she found Alti sexy. And she'd do anything to instill that no more war and nonsense and crap hit the world for awhile.

Smiling at a job well done, he whooshed away to Rome, in search of Livia.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Cupid,

Night-time in Olympus. Crickets chirp. Fireflies light up. dite's afro talks in her sleep.

"Uh...why not...what..if.....draco, seize...seize scrolls...seize..."

"dite wake up." Hera insisted, standing next to dite's ambrosiabed. "Your father has gas again. I need you to go to the future and bring back some antacids."

dite, smelling the problem- "Gag with me a lightning bolt! Just don't light a match, I'm too perfect to die- ever! I woulda slept through this aerial sewer if ya hadn't woke me up. Duh!"

"You owe me for dispatching Hope. Since you blend in best with the loonies of the future, you're the most logical choice to go."

"Hey! I resemble that remark! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Brb!" Still holding her nose, dite whooshed to the future.
...

"I have many pills." said the store attendant. "There's a blue light special on Gas Ex today."

dite found the pills. She would have to pay with the 5 finger discount, of course. As she was leaving, she also "borrowed" a nice little home computer. Gods never steal, just "borrow" from mortals who should be thrilled to have gods borrow from them.
...

The whoosh home was weird. It was totally untubular. It was as if the whoosh clutch was fried.
...

The palace was quiet. dite couldn't smell Mr.Stinky Zeus' fart bomb any more. What caused the gas, dite pondered. A result of the hot tub orgy? Or had pop made it with an alien species namely Kang and Kodos, those slobbering aliens who once crashed into the treehouse of Eros?

dite entered Zeus' room only to find two women she'd never seen before. Must be new maids.

"Any of ya'll seen Hera or Zeus?"

The women looked at one another. One lady approached dite with a serious look on her face.

"xc, you know very well that I am Hera, and that Ame is Zeus. You shouldn't bother us as we discuss the Race."

dite laughed at this so hard, the grilled cheese ambrosia sandwhich she had had for lunch spewed out her nostrils. "Yo dudess, you're a laugh a second. You being Hera and that chick being old man Zeus. Now, really, where are they?"

The lady Zeus- ha!- shouted at dite, "xc, you're wearing dite's outfit too much- and liking it. You may never switch back!"

Who the heck is xc? dite wondered. She dismissed these two as disgruntled palace employees & made a mental note to tell Hera & daddy how they made fun of the gods & to fire them. Hmmmph!
...

dite couldn't find anyone else in Olympus! Had daddy's fart fumes driven them to earth before she returned? That could explain it. dite whoosed to earth. Still- it was an odd whoosh. Like whooshing with the emergency whoosh breaks still on.
...

"Hey! xc er dite! Over here!" some woman yelled from a distance. Dang nabbit, who's this xc- xtraordinarily crazy? dite was tired & craving chocolate & wanted to plug the comp in somewhere to see what that internet thing was all about. dite approached the women asking who they were.

"Aw c'mon. You know me- I'm Kate. WP9. I was telling Sara here how much fun it's gonna be playing Cupid this time. But shouldn't I have been Eros? I dunno, but I hope there's blueberries & rum a-plenty!"

dite was biting her nails, wondering if daddy's fart cloud had affected people's minds. That had to be it. Why else would people- espech mortals- think they're gods?

"Um, sorry to burst the fart balloon, but hu llo!, you're a dudette, Cupid's a dude, and a god, not a mortal."

The other woman then spoke, "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, xc? Cross dressing doesn't do a thing for you."

dite felt her chest- 'yep, the big knockers still there, yay!'- "Hey, who'd ya think you talkin to, toots? I'm dite's afro, deity of love. I dunno who ya'll are or who this 'xc' person is but I need to find Zeusy to give him these gas pills."

The ones known as WP9 & Sara shook their heads at this, giving dite that look that only the Olympian nut-house could help her now. Could the effect of smell-o-rama Zeus have made these people think dite looked like something named xc?

"You've taken the Race too serious, xc." Sara said. "And don't call me Livia or Eve, either. I'm based in reality, thank you. OOOooo I must leave soon, Inu Yasha's on. If only there was an Inu Yasha at the bottom of every well *sigh*"

"Race? Well, you're certainly not Livia. Her nose is always in the air. What is this xc thing?" To which "Cupid" replied, "Well, plug in that comp and you'll find out."

"Silly mortal! Can't plug it in here on earth. But if you're really Cupid, you can whoosh with me to Olympus where electricity & outlets exist."

"Cupid & Livia" giggled at this, like it was a stoopid remark, as if! "Ok," says WP9, "We'll preten- er I mean we'll "whoosh" to Olympus, plug the comp in, and I'll prove to you you're a dude, dude."

dite wrinkled her nose in disgust at the very idea of being a dude! She & Cupid whooshed to Olympus.
...

Soon-

"Ya see, there it is, The Daily Scroll. "Race Around Ancient Greece:The Story". Read and get some sanity back, xc!" Cupid backed away to let dite surf the scrolls.

dite read. dite no understood. dite read again & again. dite still no understand. dite read "Chronicles of the Way" and was more confused. Then dite read "dite's afro funky temple of love"- then dite clicked to read all posts by this dite's afro imposter aka xc- and then dite thought maybe the Furies were after her.

"This Race, these tasks that the Racers had to perform- it can't be real! I can't be xenacrazed- there is no xenacrazed! This is either the Furies or fart induced insanity I tell ya!"

WP9 patted dite's shoulder, "There, there. Get a grip. Get some eggnog. Of course it's not real, it's just part of the message board- which is real. I'm real but you're xc. Er, i mean you're real but not as who you think. Ok?"

dite was crying now. "So is this Dubya person that the Brucy Braless person talks about- is he real?"

"Well....sadly, yes."

dite had totally lost it now. She began sucking a thumb, mumbling incoherently, dazed, foggy look in eyes, wandering about in a zombie state. "Oh xc, glad to see you looking like your old self," commented Zeus/Ame.

It was over for dite. She would dispatch herself. OD on ambrosian sleeping pills. She was an exaggerated figment of paranoid imagination of some sick man from Indhickiana. Brought into the world because a couple people from Down Under wanted to create a story. Down Under what? That was never explained. dite popped the lid of the sleeping pills. whooshing her life away....

{insert whooshy very whooshy cloudy scene here}
...

"Uh...why not...what..if.....draco, seize...seize scrolls...seize..."

"dite wake up." Hera insisted, standing over the deity sleeping on the floor. "Give me the keys to your medicine cabinet as Zeus needs some Gas-Ex pills. Thank you. Now go sleep on your bed like a proper Olympian."

By the us, dite thought, it was just a dream! dite was so happy she wasn't an xc that she accidentily stepped on Cupid's arrows- breaking all of them.

"Not to worry," dite said to herself, "I'll fix 'em back with some Olympian Super- glue...hmmm...Olympian Super-glue made from psychedelic Olympian drugs...I wonder what kinda affect that'll have on people Cupid shoots with them arrows...hmmm. I dun care! I'm so happy not to be xenacrazed- I just dun care!"

Also, thought dite, no more eating chocolate ambrosian rum-filled eggnog bbq'd fried rice blueberry biscuits before nappy time- that's what caused this sick, sick dream to begin with!

[Edited cuz stinky Zeus farts made me have many spelling errors- dite.]
[Edited again cuz dite forgot a line from notes. Doh!]

This message has been edited. Last edited by: xenacrazed,

Drusilla held Xena tightly and rested her chin on the warrior's metal breast plate. Looking into Xena's eyes, she made a confession.

"My love, I was planning to kill you. And I was going to do it whilst you were unconcious."

"I know," said Xena. "But that's in the past. Before we got to know....er..."

"But--" A tear rolled down Drusilla's cheek. "Much as I love you...I still want you dead. I'm so confused!"

Xena patted the Drusilla's head. "I know. Love conquers nothing." She gave only half--well, only three-quarters of her attention to the beautiful, deadly creature who was snuggling up to her. Her skin had begun to crawl. Someone was watching.

Drusilla took advantage of the warrior princess' divided attention by reaching for her breast dagger. As crazy as she was about Xena the urge to stab her was still strong. She was going to hate herself for doing it, she thought. But they'd always have this afternoon dance and snuggle.

As Drusilla's fingers began to wrap themselves around the dagger, her world suddenly went topsy turvy. Xena had sprung up and was flipping over the bush the two killers had rested under.

"Cupid!" exclaimed Xena as she grabbed the winged god by his ear and dragged him out of the woods. "I should have known. You always were a voyeur."

Cupid tried to pull back, but Xena's grip was strong. "Hey, beautiful...I am a man, after all"

"It's okay. I don't mind being watched. It spreads my legend." She grinned wickedly. "You're just the fellow I needed anyway."

Cupid bleated weakly, "well, I don't suppose there's any reason why I couldn't..." He trailed off and licked his lips.

Xena gave him a seductive look. Keeping a firm grip on his ear she let her other hand trail down his chest. Drusilla staggered over, not sure whether she liked the attention Xena was giving Cupid.

"Hey, what do you think--" she choked off as Xena quickly applied pressure to her throat and then her shoulder making her collapse in pain.

"Not yet, beautiful," she chided. "I'll get to you in just a few minutes."

Cupid's eyebrows lifted. He should have known the warrior princess would play rough. Rough and yet so seductive and teasing. Pulling his head by the ear, she forced him into a kiss. Her other hand still caressing his chest now his waist, pulling and tugging...and driving him wild.

He dropped his bow...and Xena helped him take the quivers off and pushed him down.

"Now?" called out Drusilla hopefully.

Xena whistled and Argo came running out of the woods. Grabbing Cupid's arrows she cartwheeled over to Drusilla, picked her up and leapt with her upon Argo and rode away from village.

Cupid lay for a moment. Then suddenly sat bolt upright. The arrows! That mortal had stolen his quiver!

He shot off in hot pursuit and almost ran past Argo. Xena was nowhere to be seen.

Thwack!

Cupid cried out. He'd just been hit with one of his own arrows. He promptly shut his eyes. Whatever happened, he mustn't look at anybody. Disaster was sure to follow. And a century on the couch away from Psyche.

He suddenly heard hoofbeats and a laugh as Xena rode away on Argo, leaving him trapped in the woods. He listened carefully. He couldn't hear the sound of any other creature, but was it really safe to open his eyes?

"Son of a Bacchae!" he cried and fumbled around for some leaves to fashion a crude blindfold.

Alti walked into her dwelling and immediately noticed something strange. It smelled. Like sweet sickly overpowering incense. Her lip curled into a snarl. Once inside she noticed the cause of the atrocity. The snarl remained, but a glint came to her eye. Once fully processed, the snarl turned into more of a smirk.

"My God, well not my God, but someone's God. Slumming now are we?" Alti ground out less gravely than usual.

Dite didn't answer just turned toward her with an air of anticipation in her eyes. Alti fully entered the lair and casually shed her clothing while walking toward her goal. By the time she reached the edge of the bath she was completely nude. She brought herself down to sit on the edge with just her legs sitting in the water.

Leaning forward she studied Dite's face. "You seem awfully sure of yourself just coming in here like this."

Dite looked monetarily confused. "I'm not comin--oh, you meant COMING in here." She giggled and pulled herself out of the water a bit, the tops of her full breasts bobbing through the suds.

Alti lost her composure for a second, not that Dite noticed. Dite was more obsessed with getting Alti in the water, to rid her of the smell of mortal. That's what she called it anyway. Alti regained her head, but still had that nagging desire to get buck wild with this Goddess. And that was not right.

"How'd you do it? Put the love spell on me I mean." Alti looked her right in the eye, trying to detect deception.

"As if. It was that son of mine. He's gone crazy with the arrow thingies. I'm just as disgusted as you, trust me." Dite said in her normal airhead manner.

"I highly doubt that. I've yet to show up in your tub naked. But, this has potential." Alti guffawed at herself for her last comment. Was that her out loud voice, she wondered.

This evening had already reached the height of its embarrassment factor. Deciding things couldn't get any worse; Alti slid herself the rest of the way into the tub, maintaining eye contact with Dite the whole time. Two feet touched. Than a knee against a thigh. Dite pulled herself forward and placed her hands on the tub edges, encapturing Alti in her arm span. Then the staring contest began. Neither spoke, or moved, they just sat. Each quietly taking the other in.

Dite blinked first. She quickly moved forward and grabbed Alti's head and kissed her like, well the Goddess of Love. With this Alti moved to caress her neck, but it didn't stop at caressing. She squeezed Dite's neck and pushed her against the back of the tub. She held her there for a second, allowing Dite to flop around like a flounder out of, well actually, in water.

"I don't WANT to love you." Alti ground out between her teeth. "Let's just say it's not my thing. And don't kid yourself; you don't want to love me either."

"Well duh. Hello. You are so not my type." Dite spit back. Her feelings had been hurt.

"Then fix it." Alti simply stated.

"Like I know how to---HEY, I DO know how to fix this." Deer ran, bunnies scampered, crickets fled. The world was unaligned, Dite had a clue.

Atli shook her head with frustration at the idiotic. She looked up, not moving her head, and pinned Dite with her eyes. "I want a potion. I don't want a one time fix from you. I want something I can use in case this situation appears again. And I want it now."

"Uh, hello. What makes you think I'm going to help you? Icky moral."

"You kissed me." Alti quickly retorted.

"So? I kiss lots of people” Dite said with an air of superiority.

"Lots of mortal icky people? I'm sure you'd love for all your friends to know that you made out with a smelly, dirty, and EVIL, excommunicated Amazon. I'm sure that would go over well at your little gatherings." Alti said with the pure sincerity in her voice that she would act on this information.

"Okay, okay. EEwww, I couldn't take it. What would they think of beautiful me and icky icky you?" Dite stammered, almost panicked.

She produced the potion, in a green vial, and a silver goblet that she immediately drank from. Alti snatched the potion out of her hand, swigged down a swallow, and recapped it.

"Now get out." Alti growled at her.

Cupid could find nothing to blindfold himself with. His heart pounded in dread as horsehooves could be heard approaching. THen, the sound of someone getting off the horse...more movement...then footsteps headed toward him.
"Cupid? Is that you?"
His voice was seductive, smooth. Cupid didn't trust it. It could be a centaur. Or worse...a half goat.
"C'mon, open ya eyes."
"No."
"Cupid."
"You're not one of those gross polititians from the 21st century that Mum keeps tossing at me...are you?"
The man roared with seductive laughter. "Far from it, babe! C'mon. Open up!"
"My arrows..."
"No prob. I'll help ya get em back, I think I know where they might have gone to."
"Those--double crossing--WOMEN!" Cupid was so furious his eyes flew open...and....
WHOA!
Standing in front of him was the most gorgeous guy Cupid had ever seen. Was he a mortal? Ohhh yes. Unfortunately. But he would more than do.
His hair was long and black, and it spilled down his waist and over his shoulders. His eyes were pale blue, and set in a gorgeous high cheekboned face. His skin was a pale creamy color. His taught, finely structured body was clad all in black.
"Who--who are you?" Cupid breathed.
"My name is Jeremaiah," the man said. "I was actually sent here to find Eli. Do you know where I might find him?"
Cupid hung his head.
Jeremaiah frowned, then sighed. "Pity," he said sadly. "Then the rumors ARE true. His eyes WERE flying around zapping people."
"Yes, it was quite the bummer," Cupid said sadly. "Until Paulina saved the day." He smiled at the memory.
"I'd heard of her," Jeremaiah said, his eyes lighting up in a smile. "SHe was the lover of..."
"Minya," Cupid said, frowning, a surge of jealousy going through him. Jeremaiah looked rather in a dreamlike state.
"Hey. HEY!"
"Oh, sorry, Cupid, I was woolgathering. Minya was rather famous for awhile. Shame how she died."
"Oh right, yes. My grandad....got a little carried away." Cupid couldn't help himself, he had to smile.
"Cupid," Jeremaiah said, "how did Eli..." His face held a look of anticipation, and the way he said the holy man's name....was like butter.
Suddenly it dawned on Cupid who Jeremaiah was! Why, Eli you old devil, he thought with a grin. But no. Wait. Had they...
The sad look in Jeremaiah's eyes told him plainly that no. No understanding had ever existed. But....Jeremaiah had always wanted one and could never muster up the courage to approach Eli.
"So," he said sympathetically. "You had a bit of a...thing for Eli, huh? And you never told him about it."
"You know," Jeremaiah pouted, "you really took your time getting here you know! I could have used your HELP, you know!" He stamped his foot.
"Awww!" Cupid was so touched, he gave him a hug. "I'm sorry! But hey it wasn't my fault, Dad got mad at me and trapped me in the 21st century for awhile. I was stuck in the body of this strange girl from the future, name of Kate. Dunno how THAT happened...but it took some time to free myself from that. When Dad died, well, that clinched the deal. Well then Mums was trying to keep me out of the limelight because things were getting rather ugly with Minya's kid and all, and Alti losing her powers like that. Then there was that goat thing in the barn....poor girl, so confused, she was. Shame she has to have that Eyedrajit on her back now." Cupid wrinkled his nose, then shook it off. "Anyway..."
"Cupid, what happened to Eli?" Jeremaiah pulled back, looking desperately into Cupid's eyes.
Cupid was touched. The poor geezer. How did he tell him?
"Ummm," he said, "Grandad..."
Jeremaiah narrowed his eyes. "No. Not the way Minya..."
"Yes."
"That....that Eli....and he SWORE he would never make love to a single soul not even to Gabrielle!"
"I know," Cupid said sadly. "Sorry, mate."
Jeremaiah turned and kicked the tree next to him. Several acorns fell off. One of them hit Cupid in the head.
"Ow!" Cupid cried, rubbing his head.
"Sorry," grumbled Jeremaiah. "But it's not in the LEAST bit fair. I was Eli's student in India, even though I am originally from Ireland. We got on famously. I TRIED to learn the way of Love. In the end it really wasn't for me. I would rather be a warrior and musician, travelling around and playing my guitar and singing....occassionally kicking a butt or two if anyone got in my way. I shouldn't have left him, I know." Jeremaiah sighed. "But he was just so...OBSESSED with this Father of his! He paid more attention to Him than to me! And then, SHE came along." Jeremaiah rolled his eyes.
"Gabrielle."
"Yup," Jeremaiah said. "So I said to hell with this I am outa here. No one knew of my existance by then, I was pretty good at keeping a low profile."
"You stayed away from him for a long time."
"Pride," sighed Jeremaiah. "He always said it goes before a fall, I know." His voice broke on a sob, so Cupid pulled him in and comforted him while he wept his grief. While he cried, a rather incessant little bird cheeped in Cupid's ear.
Go away, he telepathed darkly, Can't you see I'm busy?
Cupidy Woopidy HOW many times have I told you not to leave your arrows unattended?
Mo--ther! Cupid whined, I HATE when you do the shapeshifting thing!
It's not like I do it all the time, ya know!
Where's Alti?
Don't ask,groaned Dite's Afro. I'll tell you later. Meanwhiles...what are you going to do with this cutie pie?
He's mine, Cupid growled, sensing that all familiar attraction from the lurve goddess. Don't forget, you got a date with Jennifer soon.
Oh, promises, promises, sonny boy! snapped Dite's Afro.I'll believe it when I see it! And speaking of, what about those poor little polititians? They can't stop thinking of you, ya know, you're breaking their achy breaky hearts! Dite's Afro whined.
Well hey it can't be that bad if it gets them away from what they NORMALLY do, grinned Cupid,Really mom, when are you gonna learn my taste? Now THIS is for me. He patted Jeremaiah's shoulder.
Oh, poo. Looks like I'm gonna have to do your dirty work again.Dite's Afro sighed dramatically.A mother's work is never done!
Hey it could be worse, I could be Dahok's ki--OWWWW!Cupid held it in as the bird nipped his ear painfully.
Don't smart off at me young mr. love poo!Dite's Afro said feistily. I COULD make you fall in love with those polititians ya know!
Don't you dare!
Oh--all right, I'll go easy on you THIS time, only because you're in a bit of a pickle anyway. But I'm NOT getting your arrows back for you, Mister! You're clear on your own there.
Right,Cupid said contritely, then changed the subject. Hey mom, how about those dreams ya keep having?
What if--why not--why is it that--THERE IS NO XC?
Mums, I think ya better go lie down.
I think you're right, she sighed. Shapeshifting is a byotch too. I'm just doing it because....well, long story. I'll whoosh over to your temple later and tell ya about it.
I'll look forward to it.
Cupid grinned as his mother whooshed away. He loved their little banter, it sure beat the relationship he'd had with Ares....who was always such a grump. Oh well.
Finally Jeremaiah had cried himself out and was wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
"Why'd you try to find him again?" Cupid asked him. "Eli that is."
"Well--one last attempt, you know? And i was ALSO trying to find you--because--well you know."
"You wanted me to thwack Eli."
"Well," Jeremaiah grinned, "why not?"
The two took a walk in the forest to where Jeremaiah had his horse tethered to a tree. It was a beautiful day outside. Man and god enjoyed each other's company as the sun beat down on their hair, making it sparkle.
Cupid smiled. "Well....since you've found me at any rate...is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Don't stick those nipples out so much!" Jeremaiah said blushing. "They're distracting."
Cupid grinned. "Can't help it, babe. That's my nature."
"Oh, you...you..." suddenly Cupid caught and held his gaze. Jeremaiah looked at him, his deep cobalt blue eyes sparkling. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before slowly coming together...in a heartfelt embrace.
The embrace lasted a good long time....then when they pulled out of it...they kissed. Tenderly.
"You know," Jeremaiah said softly, "when Eli used to tell me I was destined to find the Way of Love....I certainly didn't think it would come to this."
"Well," Cupid grinned, "I am Cupid you know."
They shared a laugh. "Come on," Jeremaiah grinned. "Let's go get your arrows back!"

*********************************

Jeremaiah's horse was fast....of course Cupid thought he could have flown them both, but they actually made good time. Xena and Drusilla were fighting off an army of bandits, seemingly ordered by Alti to go stir up trouble. Xena was kicking some pretty good butt, as was Drusilla. Their lythe sexy bodies glistened in the sunlight. For a moment, Cupid stared, thoroughly intoxicated....when Jeremaiah tapped him hard on the shoulder.
"Cupid! Look!"
There they were. Abandoned, on Argo. The arrows.
"Hmmmm," Cupid said grinning. "Mommy always told me not to leave the arrows unattended..."
WHOOSH!
The arrows were now safely in Cupid's arms, as was his trusty bow. He put them on his back where they belonged....just as Xena turned in his direction.
She and Drusilla had just knocked down the last of the bandits. Xena strolled over to him, smirking...and he laughed uproareously.
"Now, Xena," he said, "you know as well as I do...that you NEVER leave your arrows unattended."
"Cupid," she said, giving Jeremaiah the once over. "I think I saw that guy with Eli back in India once. Well...you have your work cut out for you with that one."
"No worries, m'lady, all's well that ends well," Cupid grinned. "But...should you ever want to take me up on...what we began before your naughty little trick..." Cupid winked at her. "You know where to find me."
He whooshed himself, Jeremaiah and his horse safely to Olympus, leaving the warrior princess and Drusilla, shaking their heads, laughing, and picking up where they left off.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Cupid,

Once upon a time, there were 37 days in December. It was the longest month so that folks could celebrate & enjoy solstice longer. More time as well to celebrate Rum Guzzling Day on the 32nd. So who was the party pooper that stole 6 days of intoxicating bliss from the otherwise struggling masses? Well...

Dec 37- many many many moons ago

"OH NO! OH NO,OH NO,OH NO,OH NO,OH NO,OH NO! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" dite's afro realized what day it was. December 37. The day set aside each year so that the gods can preside over a different belief or object. Last Dec 37, dite was goddess of ear wax removal. She still gets the shakes at the sight of a q- tip. Year before that, she was the diety of milking cows (she nearly had a cow over that) which made her a laughing stock when she thought she'd get chocolate milk from a brown cow.

It was Zeus & Hera who came up with the diety exchange day. They never participated, of course, they just like to watch & laugh. It was usually silly things that the gods ruled over for just that one day. It was the 37th of December. Most mortals were either drunk, sleeping or celebrating something. What harm could come from letting the Olympian gods preside over something silly just for a day?

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I so dread this day." dite stood with Cupid as Apollo announced- in alphabetical order- who would be diety of what for this day.

"Cupid-"spoke Apollo in that half-bored, know it-all tone, "god of garden utensils."

Cupid rolled his eyes, saying sarcastically, "Oh gee, what fun, yip yip yipee, grab me a rake, shovel and hoe and away to the garden I go."

"Ho? Cupidity Poopity, you like ho's."

"Not that kind of ho, mother, you dingbat. Well, guess I'm off to get my cover-alls and dig a mess of taters. Uh mom, why do you have TGIF written on your shoes? It's not even Friday."

"Oh that, it means toes go in first. So hard to remember that! Now run along & be nice to the ho's, dear."

Apollo: "Demeter, goddess of the Xena lookalikes, dopplegangers and miscelleneous Xena's."

Apollo: "dite's afro, goddess of happiness via song & dance."

dite hugged herself. "Wheeee! Now I can bestow happy feet for a day! Gotta groove with me"
...

The Champion of Rome vs the Senate of Rome? You decide.

"Complain complain bitch bitch stupid old men try to tell me- ME!- how to run Rome- those fools!- why I oughta-"

*whooshy gold shimmeries*

"Smile! You're on Happy Face Camera !"

"Fine. This is what I get after six hours of meetings with whiney butt men who've never seen a battlefield. Ares empty headed sister. Tell me, do you still tip toe passed the medicine cabinet so as not to wake the sleeping pills, hmm?"

"Well, yeah, don't you? Livia, guess why I'm here."

Livia misreading dite, kept a fist to her side, "You will not steal this chakram! I bet my mother sent you for it, didn't she? You tell her th-"

"Chill out, Liv. I don't want that round chalky thingamabooby!" dite replied with a giant grin on her face.

Livia studied the goofy grin and knew it to be true that dite had no intention of stealing this 3rd chakram. dite was just a party girl who dressed like an over privilaged happy hour douche-bag.

"I'm far too busy to deal with your antics, dite. Give me a rest, go bother Gregor."

dite pointed a pinkie at Livia, "Not so fast, honey bunch. What you need is to get happy." Then the pinkie emitted a quick burst of blue sprinkley shimmers at Livia.

"What have you done!? What *cough* is that *cough* horrible aroma?" After the coughing, after a few moments to compose herself, Livia looked at dite- really looked at her for the first time, "Did you say 'get happy?"

"Mmmm hmmm."

The guards in this palace hall were then quite shocked to see Livia run one way then another down the corridor before she broke out singing-

"Pack up your troubles and just get happy,
Ya better chase all your cares away,
sing hallelujah, c'mon get happy,
get ready for the judgment day,
The sun is shinin', c'mon get happy,
Eli he's waiting to take your hand,
shout hallelujah, c'mon get happy,
we're goin' to the promised land!"

No, thought Livia, fight this nonsense, fight it!...but she couldn't. For the next bit, dite tossed her a top hat & cane dancing props, as she herself played tambourine.

"Oh", sang a jubilant Livia, "Forget your troubles and just get happy,
ya better chase all your cares away,
sing hallelujah, c'mon get happy,
get ready for the judgment day! Oh yeah!"

Livia was trying to break out an honest to goodness happy smile, but it hurt so much. "That was awesome!" praised dite."You should do that more often. You were singing-n dancin up a storm!"

"Can't! Against all I believe. Isn't it? You- you cast spell on me. Why? I c-can't fight it, much as I try." Poor tortured child of Xena.

"Phhph! Don't fight it. Give in. Put on a happy face!"

"NOOOoooo. I- oh darn.." then dancing as she sang, the palace guards looking at one another wondering if they should join in. *do join in and sing, dite whispered to each guard & shook blue shimmery stuff on them*. Livia and the palace guard performed a great little number-

Livia: Gray skies are gonna to clear up, Put on a happy face, Brush off the clouds and cheer up, Put on a happy face!

Guards: Take off that gloomy mask of tragedy, it's not your style, You'd look so good that you'd be glad you decided to smile

Livia: Pick out a pleasant outlook, Stick out that noble chin, Wipe off that full of doubt look, Slap on a happy grin!

Guards: And spread sunshine all over the place, Just, put on a happy face!

Livia: Put on a happy-

Guards: Put on a happy-

Livia & Guards: Oh put on a happy face!

"Yay! Woo-hoo! Livvy sweets you dance fine, you need some fishnets to show off them legs!"

"Really!? You think so?" Livia was lost. "Um, dits, could we chat? 'K.Like, could I be the mini-you? Or, um, could I just follow you everywhere and see how you do it, cause you do it so well!" Then blushing, "You could call me Eve if you like, tee-hee."

dite was shocked at how strong this happiness via song & dance was. Too bad it only lasted a day.

"Tell ya what, Livs, I do like that name bests. Repeat after me- 'Gotta love me!"

"Gotta um think maybe I'm okay." dite shook her afro. "Er 'gotta like me if I'm not so uptight'" dite was frownin now! "Ohhhh, 'Gotta lurve me..' 'Gotsa loove me'...'Gotta love me'...I said it I said it!...'Gotta love me!'" dite & Livs hugged.

"Now, how about we make that mean ole Senate poo-poo heads happy too?" dite smiled at Liv's response, "Coolage! Let's!"

Livia was so under the spell. The blue shimmers had produced the irrestible singing of the bluebirds of happiness. A singing that Livs deperately wanted to recreate for all of Rome.
...

The Senate was a piece of blue shimmery cake. They quickly called a meeting in the coliseum, all Rome was asked to attend if it so pleased their schedule. Well, they were gonna meet there anyway to feed the just-recaptured barbarian Vercinix to the lions. Brutus had planned to back-stab a fellow Senator- literally- but was so full of glee that he instead fell to his knees and washed the feet of the previously doomed Senator with his tears of joy.

Livia, now dressed in a pink nightie that dite had selected from her own wardrobe, addressed the shocked poopless crowd who gawked at her in stunned silence. What had happened to the bitch of Rome?

"Friends, Romans, little munckin people way up in the nosebleed seats- please, lend me your precious ears. I, Livia, or Livs, if you like, am pleased as punch to announce that taxes are being cut to a mere smile a day. The Roman army will be disbanded and we will all join hands in the parks and sing 'I'd Love to Buy the World a Rum-cola'. We will be happy, so I decree. I am so happy to be here & to be your humble servant-"

Yikes! Six simultaneous heart attacks- just in coliseum aisle 5!

"-and I hope you will all accept me as your bestest Champion of Rome. Okaysie?"

"OKAYSIE YOUR CHAMPIONESS!" so they shouted in glee. Is this true, they thought, or too good to be true?

"Now" continued lovely Liv, "I'd like to sing for you a song that has always made me happy. Not until today *sobs* could I admit it. Thank you dear dite for making this possible." Livs turns to dite and- curtsies!

Livia sings from the bottom of her happy heart, swaying to the sound of her own new found voice-

"Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high..."

Jeeps, dite thought to herself, no wonder she wouldn't admit to liking that song, neither would I. *snickers*

...

"Now," Livia announced after singing, "we were supposed to feed the barbarian Vercinix to the lions today. However, I have decided instead to-feed a large banquet of delicious food to Vercinix' home village! And- Vercinix- can you hear me down there?"

Vercinix on the coliseum floor was still wetting himself in glee. "Uh yes, Madame Championess..."

"Just Livs, my friend. Vercinix, for you and your wife Mendala- an all expense paid trip on the Mediterranean!"

Thunderous applause!

"Now, dite, would you please tell Vercinix what other gifts we have for him?"

"Yes indeedy dandy, Livs. Vercinix, you barbarian rascal, we have matching luggage for your trip. And when you return home- you & Mrs V will return home to- a newly built hut, designed & decorated by Frankus Lloydus Wrightus!"

OOOooooos & aaaahhhs from the crowd!

A happy Vercinix was set free, deciding to take the cruise at a later date (good call there, happiness in Rome is a fleeting thing.)
...

That night-

The singing & dancing continued at a break neck speed. dite & Livs sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy", changing the lyrics to suit the people and events in their life. They danced the tango. They danced the Funky Monkey. They danced dite's own invention, The Mashed Blueberry Potato. Liv collapsed in dite's arms, a rose between her teeth, saying "Nitesy nites, dite the mighty happy chickeroo."

All was well in Rome.
....

The next day...

"I WANT THOSE TAXES RAISED...NOW!" Livia, Champion of Rome, was baaaaa-ck.

It was decreed that all citizens must never again mention or discuss in private or public the events of that December 37 or else get crucified. The Senate banned singing for months, and singing in the parks for years. Vercinix was never captured again but he always had a great story to tell.

Livia, ah Liva, was mighty peeved. She wanted to be extra sure this event was forgotten. So sure that she had the last 6 days of December banned! It would now end on the 31st. Plus, all mention of the 32nd through the 37th to be wiped from the history scrolls. No need for anyone to recall what happened on the 37th or several days close to the 37th.

However...sometimes...just sometimes...Livia would catch herself humming or tapping her feet to a memory of "Get Happy". "Damn that dite," she'd say, smirking.
...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: xenacrazed,

For Livia, Imperatrix and Champion of Rome, the day could not get any worse.

Her horse was lame. On both counts. A sorrier looking steed was never to be found. A shaggy coat, unkempt mane and tail, crookedly huge teeth and a lopsided gait had earned the horse the name of "Wonder Boy". He also had several other names in different languages all meaning the same thing: ain't worth squat.

She grumbled under her breath as he lopsidedly attempted a gallop. "W-w-w-whoaaaaaa! Stu-stup-stupid horse! Slow down! Halt! Desist! Alto! Stooooooop!" Wonder Boy was completely deaf in both ears and so could not hear his master's commands. He only knew that the heels had spurred his sides to urge him on and he would do so as best as his knobby legs would let him.

A casual observer would have seen the normally polished and confident Champion of Rome holding on for dear life as the ugliest horse in the world proceeded to sashay across the open fields. A cry and several curses were heard for several miles as Livia tried unsuccessfully to slow the determined animal.

An idea candle flashed above Livia's head. Of course! Idiot. Just pull back on the reins. She tugged herself up and pulled back, hard. Immediately, Wonder Boy came to a standstill and the daughter of Xena was airborne.

"Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit! Ooof! (tm Shawn)" The young woman landed flat on her back, staring up at the bright blue sky. "Bloody horse. Remind me to kill you when I get up from here." An answering whicker came from somewhere off to the left. Great, a horse that was deaf to her commands but could hear loud and clear when it came to saving his own hide.

Long moments passed with Livia simply trying to gather the stength to get up. Slowly, she painfully sat up and glared at the now grazing animal. Her lips drew back in a snarl and she quickly grabbed the chakram at her hip and let it fly.

*Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing*

Her head followed the motion as the chakram glanced off a tree, came straight back across and neatly sliced off some of Wonder Boy's bangs, enabling him to see. Then it ricocheted off a rock and spun back, shaving Wonder Boy's mane, bounced off yet another tree and spliced his tail into a nice curl to ping off the same rock and back to Livia's hand.

"Aaaargh! I went to make dog food out of you and instead, I gave you a haircut. Great." If Livia didn't know better, she would have sworn she heard the horse laughing.

She glanced up to see the horse staring at her at what could only be called an 'innocent expression'. Livia grumbled and groused and pushed herself back onto her feet. This day could get no worse, it was official.

*crack crack boom crack crack*

Oh wait, it could. Out of nowhere, a torrential rain poured down on her head. "Son of a bacchae!" She gritted her teeth and let out a scream of pure frustration as it seemingly only poured right where she was standing.

"I'm in Hades, I know it. I must've died when the damn horse threw me and now, the gods are punishing me. That's just wonderful."

"Oh you're not dead, but you might wish you were by the time I'm through with you." A scratchy, throaty voice called out from behind her.

Livia spun around to come face to face with..."You!"

A sinister grin crossed Alti's face. "Time to repay the favor, little girl."

“Favor? I owe you no favor you hag.” Livia spat out while marching in Alti’s direction.

Alti reached around her and jerked something out from behind her. It was Bella. The child looked weak and tired.

“Give me the chakram.” Alti ordered Livia.

“Let’s see. No.” Livia’s sarcasm pored out.

Alti advanced on Livia. “Listen you little brat. I will not keep your precious toy, I’ll give it back. Allow me to show you how to fully use it.”

“Fine hag, but I’m watching you.” Livia countered, handing Alti the chakram a little harder than necessary.

Taking the chakram Alti advanced toward Bella. Raising the chakram above her head she swung it in a downward motion toward the child. Livia made no move to save the child, showing her lack of affection for everyone. Alti struck the child in the middle of skull and drove the chakram all the way to the ground. Bella fell forward and a mist swarmed out of the back of her. In an instant Alti swung a large stick around and beat the eyes to the ground. She then spit on them and ground them into the earth with her boot.

Bella coughed and sputtered a little, then sat up. She looked around and took in her surroundings. “Auntie Livia!” The child cried out instantly recognizing Livia.

Livia marched right over to the dark haired child and kicked her right in the chin with an upwards motion of her foot. “I am not your Aunt, remember that.”

Bella shot her a menacing look and wiped the blood from her mouth. She stood, a little shakily, and glared toward Alti. “You have done well. My father will reward you well.”

“We’ll see about that.” Alti said doubtfully.

“Don’t doubt the powers of Dahok. I’m here to see that he enters the world properly this time.” Bella said with a harshness of seriousness in her voice.

“Whatever kid, I’m not here for you.” Alti offhanded remarked while swinging her gaze toward Livia.

Pushing Bella out her way she sauntered over to Livia. Grasping her hand around Livia’s throat she summoned up her vision of Livia’s future.

“Allow me to show you the pathetic being you will become.” Alti smirked.

Visions of peace and love filled Livia’s senses. The vision of her and her mother hugging and crying. Visions of her following the way of love. Visions of her refusing to harm anyone. Alti released her from her grasp as the blood started to flow out of Livia’s nose.

Livia looked panicked. Then her face took on an air of anger and resentment. “You lie. There is no way that is my future.”

“Please, if I was going to lie, I would have come up with something better than a mother daughter reunion. Being pulled apart by horses is more my style, if you get my drift.” Alti was still smirking.

“Can I kill myself now? Would that stop it?” Livia was strangely serious.

“I can stop it you know. The greatest benefit of seeing the future is being able to fix it before it happens. I prefer proactive to reactive.” Alti’s eyes took on that look of pure joy they did when she was manipulating the feelings of others.

“How? And why would you offer to help me?” Livia questioned.

“I can offer you the same chance I offered your mother. I can make you the Destroyer of Nations. Not only Rome, but the world. You look smarter than her, and you’re certainly more capable. With my help, you can have it all.” Alti’s voice was gravely with a seductive tone of enjoyment.

"And if I do become this Destroyer of Nations, that...that mockery of a future goes away? Just like that?" Livia was suspicious and fearful. Above anything else, she did not want to become some bleeding tender heart do-gooder who would let Rome fall into ruin. And that outfit was horrendous.

“Just like that. It’s what I do.” Alti leaned close to Livia and spoke quietly in her ear. “That brat over there can bring us both much power. She’s indebted to both of us.”

Livia thought for a few moments longer. She looked straight into the cold, cruel eyes of Alti and nodded slowly. "You've got yourself a deal, hag."

“Wonderful. Xena’s finally going to get what she should have got ages ago. Just keep the kid alive and feed it or something. I don’t do children. You’re borderline as it is.” Alti said while walking past Livia.

“C’mon goat girl. We’ve got places to be.” Livia said without a drop of sympathy in her voice at bringing up the embarrassing affair.

Bella blushed and looked at the ground. Livia marched off following Alti.

Alti sneered at the new possibilities of this arrangement.

Xena laughed as Cupid and his latest cliche boytoy disappeared into a cloud of golden sparkles taking the ceremonial arrows she had borrowed from the local Temple of Artemis. That had been way too easy.

"What's so funny?" demanded a large, rather resiliant bandit who was just preparing to swing an axe at Xena's head.

"I don't think you'd understand. You lack the soul and sensitivity."

"What do you mean? I'm a sensitive guy! Ask the last lady I robbed. I let her keep her clothes." The bandit was indignant. "Her underwear however---"

He never finished the thought for Xena had applied just a bit of pressure to two spots on his neck.

"I've just cut off the flow of blood to what I'll generously call your brain. You have 30 seconds to live."

She backflipped and landed on the shoulders of another bandit who was worrying Drusilla. Overbalanced the bandit fell down as Xena somersaulted away to land on her feet standing over the large bandit she had so lovingly touched.

"What did you want to know?" he sputtered as the seconds ticked away.

"Nothing. Just thought you'd like to know."

Most of the bandits had cut and run, but three suddenly rushed toward Xena. She calmly grabbed her chakram and and let it fly. Three bandits dropped. Two with the slit throats and with a slit belt. His pants dropped and he scrambled to pull them up again while turning to run.

"Xena," Drusilla purred. "Cupid has taken back those arrows. Do you need comfort?"

Drusilla smoothed her strategically torn bodice so that Xena could get a good look. She pouted, "Do you know how crazy it made me to see what you were doing to Cupid? I was so jealous...I wanted to kill you."

"Don't worry, Dru, it's all part of the game. And besides," added Xena, "You wanted to kill me before you were jealous."

"Well, yes," admitted Drusilla. "I still do...it's so confusing. Yet strangely titillating. Come HERE!"

Xena laughed at her. Drusilla scowled.

"Why did you want the arrows anyway?"

"I have a special use for them."

************

Jeremiah fingered the arrows absent-mindedly.

"Careful!" warned Cupid sharply. "Those arrows alter you emotionally."

"What happens if you hit someone twice?"

"It depends....it's kind of unpredictable," said Cupid.

"How so?"

"Well, I've seen it strengthen feeling of love. I've seen it stretch past the breaking point though and cause the target to hate the one they once loved."

"That is very strange indeed. How can you know what the reaction will be?"

"There's no way of predicting it. Mom's got a theory though. She thinks that when the arrow piereces the second time it depends on how the target truly feels in his deepest soul about another."

Cupid shuddered at the memory of really nasty feud he had caused by persuading a son and daughter of rival clans to fall in love. He had thought that if went back and shot them both again the intensity of the love would be so powerful that the families would set aside their petty differences. It had worked after a fashion. The couple ripped each other to pieces after the arrows forced their true feelings to surface and the clans had joined together in razing all temples to the Goddess of Love and her son.

"But Mom's kind of an airhead..."

******

Xena carefully wrapped up all of the kidneys she had found in the grave. She had no which were Eli's or which were Minya's. Surely though both of them would work. Alti would say she was wasting good blood magic tools by offering up all the kidneys, but Xena hoped that she'd have no further need for bits off of false prophets.

Of course, she thought to herself. False prophets are a dinar a dozen.

"That is so sick," said Drusilla. "The way you just desecrated those graves! Defiled those bodies--well, piles of ash."

"Impressed?"

"Gods, yes!" panted Drusilla. "Shall we desecrate these graves further with our passion? Then we shall fight to the death!"

Xena supressed a sigh. This kind of attitude just wasn't healthy for any relationship. She reached into a saddlebag and drew out an arrowhead. One of Cupid's. She was convinced that he was behind this sudden new love. While it was not unusual for the line between Xena's lovers and enemies to be a blurry one, this whole experience reeked of divine interference.

"Give me your hand, Drusilla," commanded Xena.

Drusilla grinned. "Okay, you get to be on top--for now."

She held out her hand and then cried out in pain as Xena pushed one sharp edge of the arrow into Drusilla's palm. Xena didn't flinch as the arrowhead dug into her own palm. She watched Drusilla intently.

"Gods....I admit it. I'm sooo turned on!" a wolfish look appeared in Drusilla's eyes.

Alas, Xena was not. The scales had fallen from her eyes.

"But my love for you compels me to admit it." Drusilla's eyes were filled with anguish. "I love you so much that I want to be just like you. And you're in the way of that."

"So," said Xena. "You'll still be trying to kill me."

"Yes." Drusilla suddenly perked up and added, "But it's gonna be so much fun!

Xena hid a smile. If Drusilla loved her, no matter how much she also hated her, she was at a disadvantage.

Item one: the heart of one who wishes me ill. Check.

Item two: the kidney of a false prophet. Check..double check. Double check squared.

Item three: Love's outrage

"Now," she said drawing her sword, "How 'bout some foreplay?"


*********

Night had set upon the travellers quickly and they soon made camp.

The fire crackled and snapped as Bella sat on a log and waited for Livia to bring her something edible to consume.

"Here, eat this." Livia threw a furry carcass at Bella's feet. It looked to be a squirrel.

Before the girl could recoil in horror and protest, Alti swooped in and scooped up the tiny body. "Are you insane?"

Crickets chirped as absolute silence fell over the camp. The occupants briefly looked at each other then off in other directions.

"Never mind. Just keep your filthy hands off of this. It's needed for the ritual." Alti's gravelly voice cut through the night air.

Bella looked at Livia questioningly and the Champion of Rome merely shrugged. Damned if anyone knew what went on in the warped mind of the shamaness.

Dahok's daughter pouted. "I'm hungry. Livia, fetch me something to eat."

Livia sneered. "I already did, you want it, go wrestle it from buzz saw over there. I've got things to do." And with that, she promptly sat down near the camp fire and began to sharpen the chakram.

It took a few moments for the campers to notice how noisy the night was. It seemed as if squirrels were chattering, hundreds of them. Frankly, it was a bit disconcerting.

Bella noticed Livia grimacing and doggedly still trying to sharpen the chakram. She leaned forward. "What's the matter? Are they break-ing, your concentra-tion?"

A frosty glare quickly sent the girl scurrying back to her side of the fire. She chanced a look at Alti who was busy crooning over the dead squirrel and what looked like the hoof of a horse, eyebrow of rabbit, longhorn from Texas. Just an odd assortment of things. Bella shuddered, some ritual indeed if those things were needed.

The demon spawn stood and stretched. If she wasn't going to be fed, then she might as well turn in. She made her way carefully towards Livia, mindful of the fire. Unfortunately, her boot caught on a stick of wood that hadn't quite made it into the fire pit.

A cry, several curses in several languages and a whirring noise suddenly filled the air. Bella lurched forward, tripping over her own feet, causing Livia to fall forward and the chakram in her hand to go flying in an outward direction.

Chaos reigned as Livia shoved Bella off of her and inadvertently into the fire. The girl cried out as she felt the flames lick at her tender posterior and jumped 3 feet into the air. Unfortunately, she hurled herself in the direction of one surly shamaness.

Several more curses in what can only be called "Amazon grunting" erupted as Alti looked up to see a smoking girl flying through the air and landing directly in her lap. With her lap full of Bella, Alti screamed in surprise and outrage. She quickly stood up, shoving the daughter of Dahok yet again into the fire as something whooshed past her cheek.

"Will you do something about your toy? And this brat?" She snarled.

Livia smirked a bit. Really, the whole thing was humorous, if you weren't Bella or Alti. The Champion of Rome tracked the trajectory of the chakram and stuck her hand in the air, neatly catching it and looping it back on her hip. She then rolled her eyes and flung the smoking young woman out of the fire pit and onto the dirt. Using her boots, she kicked some dirt onto the sprawled out form.

"Pffft, Pfft, P-tooey, stop, why are you kicking dirt on me?" Bella cried.

"Just putting out the fire." Livia unapologetically grinned.

A deep chuckle broke all three occupants out of their various states of being. A sinister looking bandit and several men appeared from behind some trees. "Thanks for the show ladies. Now, it's time for the curtain call!"

He stepped forward menacingly towards the trio.

Hercules waited patiently in the inner sanctum of the Temple of Mnemosyne. The guards would occasionally peer in and debate whether of not they should try to evict him, but as the captain was still nursing bruised knuckles from when he attempted a rabbit punch on the demi-god when they had tried to bar his entry three days before they had decided to leave him be.

"Horace!" cried a delighted voice and a matronly figure suddenly materialized itself in front of Hercules.

"It's Hercules, Aunt Nim," he corrected gently.

"Right! I remember you."

It was true Mnemosyne remembered everything and everybody. Her recall just had to be prodded every now and then. Her bright brown eyes sparkled with delight.

"What brings my favorite usually absentee nephew to the temple?"

Yeah, Aunt Nim remembered that Hercules hadn't bothered to drop by the last Winter Solstice even though he'd only been a half day's walk away. His face flushed slightly.

"You know about this struggle that's been going on for the soul of Xena?"

"Of course, even I have gotten a bit confused as to what's happened. I've been amazed at the memories people have that they shouldn't. If I ever see that Io again, I shall certainly have things to say to her!"

"Callisto," corrected Hercules again. "Iolaus has gone to retrieve the Chronos stone so that we can send Xena back to her time."

"A wise idea. If Xena is to overcome those who would steal her soul she needs all of her life experience memories. Sending this past-Xena back, should return the proper warrior princess."

"I'm relieved to hear that it will work that way," said Hercules. "The problem we have is that if we send this Xena back, she's not too thrilled with how she turns out. We think she's going to try and change events. Make different choices."

"Yes, indeed. Luckily, I have a solution." Mnemosyne smiled. In her hand she held a vial.

"Now listen very carefully."

*********

Iolaus found Xena in a tavern. She was sitting in a corner by herself with a scroll and a couple of leather sacks on the table in front of her. A would be drunken paramour approched the table. Icy blue eyes glared at him and he turned and ran out of the tavern.

"Did you find it?"

"Yes, there are a few tribes in the east that will curse my name for generations to come, but I did retrieve the stone."

"Where is it?"

Iolaus grinned at her. "Nuh-huh, my beautiful deadly viper."

Xena stared at him coldly. "Don't tell me you want a reward."

"No, my reward will be getting back our Xena."

Xena shrugged. "Suit yourself. It's probably for the best anyway. Too many people keep meddling with my possessions anyway. It's probably safer with you and Hercules anyway."

The grin on Iolaus' face grew even wider, "Evil does not mean stupid."

"Nope." Xena pushed the scroll and the leather bags across the table to Iolaus. "In fact, I need you to hold on to these. You'll give them to me at the proper time."

Iolaus reached into the first bag and felt something wrapped in crude cloth. The object was a bit squishy.

"Careful! That's the heart of one who wished me ill"

"Oh thank you for warning me. You were right you did have to do 'things.' Who did this belong to?"

"Some psychotic woman named Drusilla. I needed the heart of one who wished me ill. I wasn't sure if I actually needed to cut it out of her, because I had her heart--she loved me--but Zeus and Hera can be so bloody literal I thought it was better to just let them have it."

"You killed someone who loved you? Why am I shocked by that?" muttered Iolaus.

"Don't waste your pity on Drusilla. She was still going to kill me. She was just going to feel awful about it. I've saved my future self from having to do it."

Iolaus shrugged. She was right in an odd sort of way. He looked in the other bag, without reaching in. There were several objects.

"What's this, overkill?"

"Two of those--heck probably all four of them are kidneys of false prophets."

Iolaus felt his spine tingle and glanced at the scroll he had unrolled, "You only needed one!---you--who are they?"

"They used to carry on some sort of function in the bodies of Eli and Minya."

"But they are great friends of you...of you in the future...even if you don't feel guilty about killing them, what about--um future you?"

"Relax, Iolaus. I didn't kill them. I just desecrated their graves."

"Why all four? Waste not want not," said Iolaus.

"I've just never been able to pass up a bargain," shrugged Xena.

"A dinar saved is a dinar earned," grumbled Iolaus sarcastically.

Xena got up. "Remember to give that stuff to me at the right time. Whenever that is."

"Wait!" Ioalus' cry recalled the warrior to the table.

"Yes?"

"What about the third item? Love's outrage?"

"That's going to be a special effort," grinned Xena. "You'd better not stray too far from me. As soon as get it things will probably start happening fast."

She sauntered out the door headed to who knew where.

Yeah, I've really got to get send her back when she belongs, reflected Iolaus.

The bandit and his merry men stepped closer to the campsite. “Well, well. What are three lovely ladies doing out all alone?”

Bella looked to Livia, then to Alti. She had to suppress a chuckle at the idea of anyone calling Alti a lady, or Livia for that matter.

Livia moved to draw the chakram from her side, but Alti stepped to her and stopper her arm from completing the motion.

Alti spoke in a low voice for only Livia to hear. “Not here. I’m not cleaning this up, and I’m not moving the camp. Let’s get them out into the woods.”

Livia caught on and agreed fully. She was not cleaning this up either. She decided to play along. “Oh no, big strapping men, whatever will we do?”

Bella looked at Livia like she had lost her mind, again. What was she thinking? They could easily take these guys.

The bandit looked back toward his merry men. “Alright boys, tie em up.”

Livia’s draw dropped. She could not believe that she was actually going to let these pigs tie her up. But the shock on Bella’s face was enough to keep her going with the charade. Alti just stood there with the emotionless mask she usually had in place, showing no indifference to the situation.

Once the girls were tied up, the bandits were prodding them forward talking of the healthy profits they were going to receive after selling them to the local slave traders.

They had walked a good distance into the woods when Alti stopped walking. “Alright, that’s far enough.” Alti allowed a crazed expression to come across her face and the ropes binding her burst into flames and fell to the ground. She hit the bandit closest to her in the face and he staggered back into Bella, who still being tied up, fell to the ground and flopped around like a fish.

Livia kicked the man that had been prodding her along like cattle right in the hip joint and he swiftly fell to the ground like the sack of crap he was. Livia kept expectantly glancing toward Alti, waiting to be released from her bindings.

Alti made her way to Livia and stood there for a moment, almost wondering if she should release her. Then a sneer appeared on her face and she cut Livia loose. “That’s for calling me buzzsaw.” Livia rolled her eyes and proceeded to knock the hell out of the next approaching bandit.

The bandit that Alti was fighting, was proving to be no real challenge, but she was toying with him a bit. As she deflected one of his punches, the motion of his arm out of control, he hit Livia right in the face. Granted it wasn’t at full force, but it still made an impact.

Livia spun around and pummeled the bandit that was in front of her with lighting speed. He hit the ground at full force. She then spun towards Alti and cracked her in the back of the head. “You did that on purpose.”

Alti disposed of her bandit in the same matter and spun toward Livia. Alti punched her right in the thigh, serving up a nice charley horse. “I did not. It was an accident, alright?”

Livia was half bent over, trying to massage the tightness from her thigh. “Well try and be a little more careful in the future you hag.” The word ‘hag’ was emphasized by the kick to the shin that Livia had bestowed upon Alti.

“We’re even now, knock it off.” Alti said, while hopping on one leg.

They both limped over to Bella looking worse for wear, due to each other. They both grabbed an arm and hoisted her up off the ground. Once she was upright they both looked at each other. Bella did not like what she was seeing. Livia nodded, then Alti nodded.

Alti and Livia limped back toward the camp, with Bella hopping after them still bound by her ropes. “C’mon guys, this isn’t funny.”

No, it isn't funny anymore, thought Dahok as he watched his daughter again be made a fool of in front of that stupid mortal and that ridiculous hag. Sighing, he did what he should have done awhile ago. He flicked his hand...and instantly Bella stood before him. With another flick of his wrist...the ropes fell away from her.
"Father," Bella said softly, looking rather sheepish.
"Enough. You've played your trick on Livia and the hag, but the game has gotten tiresome. You're staying put for awhile," Dahok said. "I will figure out what to do...and you will be sent to do just that."
"But..."
"Do not argue with me," Dahok said firmly. "I'm not happy. THe Gods have displeased me. I don't even know if I can trust Zeus anymore after he allowed Hera to--" He broke off with a growl.
"Right. Well, Father, I have an idea of how to remedy that. But I wanted to get Livia to help me."
"She is being stubborn. Typical, being that she's Xena's daughter," growled Dahok.
"Stubborn or no, she's pretty thick," Bella laughed, unable to help herself. "I CANNOT believe she bought that thing with the goat. And me being so mortified by it I'll do whatever she says. Talk about an egomaniac."
"She spent too much time with Caesar," Dahok said. "All those Romans are egomaniacs. Caesar was the worst. At any rate..."
"Father," Bella frowned, "What about Cupid? Xena wants his arrows for some reason. I thought...if I could get them...I could use them to maybe get Hope back."
"Now HOW would you do that?" Dahok snapped. "I think that thickness has worn off on you."
Bella's dark eyes flared. "I was GOING to say that I could use one of them to hit Hera and make her fall in love with me or something. Then...maybe she would tell me where Hope was and how to get her back."
Dahok frowned, but took her in.
"Maybe," he said. "Maybe. But for now...you are staying RIGHT here where I can keep my eye on you!"
Bella sighed. "Yes, Father."

************************

"What th--where'd she go?" Livia demanded, looking in the place where Bella once was. "Come on, Bella this isn't funny!"
Alti's face was stony and expressionless.
"Well?" Livia demanded. "Out with it!"
"Out with what?" Alti asked, raising one eyebrow.
"Don't play innocent with me, hag. You know where she is, don't you?"
Alti shrugged. "Where would YOU be if you were the daughter of Dahok?"
"Oh," Livia looked in the spot, and suddenly reality set in on her. SHe may be Minya's kid, but she was also Dahok's. He was nothing to sneeze at. Look at Alti, she thought. THen again....
"All right, question for you, hag," she said darkly. "I thought Dahok took most of your powers away. WHat was that vision you showed me all about?"
Alti grinned. "I still have my visions. He couldn't get those."
"But..."
"Enough talk," Alti growled. "You know what you need to do, don't you?"
Livia frowned.
"You really are thick, you know. THen again you did spend a lot of time with Caesar...."
"All right all right I get the point. What do I need to do?"
Alti brought her face close to Livia's.
"You are going to help me," she said. "Help me come back to full power?"
"And how do I do that?" snapped Livia. "Not to put too fine a point on it...but hello, I'm mortal."
"AND you are Xena's daughter," Alti grinned. "Who's your daddy?"
Livia thought a moment....then realization hit her.
"Never knew that," she said. "So...what are you saying?"
"We're going to light a small fire," Alti grinned. "And you and I...are going to call on someone. Right....NOW."

*********************************************

Cupid sighed. Bliss still was being a brat, ever since the arrow incident. He thought about what his mother had said about the arrows. Oh well, he thought. Guess I'll have to watch out for that. Shame Mom has to be away right now.
Ditebot numero-uno had come back to give him more orders. Apparently Bella had an idea that she wanted to get at his arrows. Cupid didn't trust that daughter of Dahok as far as he could throw her. Or Dahok for that matter. Well...then again these mortals(and half mortals) got themselves into more scrapes than he could count!
"All right then," he grinned at the Ditebot. "Let's see...a spell to scramble Dahok's and Bella's mind too huh? Works for me."
He rummaged in the back of his mind...and remembered the story of the Strange Disease Dite's Afro had put on Alti. Grinning, he turned back to the Ditebot.
"I got it," he said. ANd with a flick of his hand he worked it so that if Bella and Dahok tried to get his arrows, they would break off, dancing and shouting 21st century cheers.
Cupid grinned. "Gotta love me!" he laughed uproareously.

At that moment however...his temple was beginning to shake. Oops, he thought. Alti had unearthed something. Who? What? Oh crap!

Jeremaiah ran in, fear all over his face. "Cupid! She's done it! That Livia helped her!"
"What? What did she do? I've been in here with the Ditebot doing this spell, I haven't been in my temple paying attention. What did you see?"
"I can't say it," Jeremaiah said, shaking. "It's too horrible!"
Cupid went over to him and wrapped him up in his strong arms. Bliss rolled his eyes and stalked out of the room.
"It's all right, my love," Cupid murmured comfortingly into his ear. "Everything is going to be alllll right."

From "The Dahok Scroll"

One of ten Dahok scrolls found in a cave in eastern Greece, donated to C.H.A.K.R.A.M. (Center for the Historical Accuracy of Key Research in Ancient Mythology), this scroll alone survived the mysterious fire at the C.H.A.K.R.A.M storage warehouse.

"I am merely a priest of His Holy Lord Dahok yet he grants me permission to transcribe his words, actions and any knowledge he deems me worthy to setting down in these scrolls.

On this day, Lord Dahok recalled to his side, Bella, as he was not at all pleased with her. I could tell the master was restraining himself from killing her. How worthless she'd become. Just like the first offspring, Hope. It was I who had witnessed Hera dispatch Hope to some other-world. The master was no longer interested in Hope, he told me, "Her days of being useful had ended with the birth of Bella." That Hera & dite's afro were involved in the disposal of the first daughter made no difference. Lord Dahok has plans for the Greek gods, plans that were under way before he used Hope as an emissary with Zeus.

Master Dahok suffers Bella only because he needs her as a puppet to keep Alti, Livia, Xena and any other mortal preoccupied. The impregnation of Minya and the birth of Bella were nothing but diversions- as I have mentioned before in previous scrolls. Lord Dahok knew that the eyes of Olympus would be fixed upon Bella's birth, especially with Hope there to make sure no one thought to look elsewhere for another offspring of Dahok being born. Let alone two!

I am so thankful Lord Dahok agreed to my suggestion that the woman Tara would not only carry his seed but not give us any trouble. She believed us a dance troupe- well, I've gone over that so often, but it is a credit to my being so highly placed in the priesthood of Dahok.

The most promising of Tara's twins, Cara, has lived up to the Lord's every expectation. Cara had no problem hiding herself among the god's earthly temple keepers. She used her powers to advance quickly. When an old mortal palace maid died in Olympus, fortune smiled on us. Cara filled that position. She had been useful to Demeter, had said the right words to Cupid, and her beauty did not go unnoticed by Zeus. How often did he bed her, I wonder. Never knowing it was a daughter of Dahok he was planting his seed in. Her power clouded her mind, he only saw a dedicated palace maid. How perfect.

More perfect is how Cara has caused suspicion between the gods over petty things. Lord Dahok doesn't give me much details on this. He did tell me that Cara's presence is a disruptive power, clouding minds over reason. The gods are distrusting of one another, what with all that power shared by too many. This is why they must be replaced by the One God Lord Dahok.

Late this evening, the master told me it had begun. One god was dead. Cara's power had planted the idea in Zeus' mind that someone was out to steal his aegis. Paranoid, he would wear it consistantly or keep it near.This evening, as he slept, Zeus had the notion he heard a prowler in the palace out to take his aegis. Imagine a prowler in the busy palace! Half asleep, he crept out his chambers and threw a number of thunderbolts at someone sneaking at his chamber entrance. It was dite's afro, just come to visit. Now a dead dite's afro.

Cara reached into her father's mind and told him all this. The body of the love deity burnt beyond recognition. Hera there to console. Later, Cara there to consule. Lord Dahok did not confide in me his next move for Cara. He is celebrating this victory now."

'Love is blind. And careless.' Xena thought as she notched another of Cupid's arrows into her bow. 'Hmm, I've gotten a little rusty with the bow lately.'

Truth be told, her favorite weapon would always be her hands. Nothing was more powerful than having the ability to end someone's life with your very fingertips. A smug grin curved on her lips. Powerful, indeed. Speaking of...

"You might as well come out, I know you're there."

Warily, Livia stepped from just beyond the line of trees. This meeting had to be handled delicately. "Xena." The tone was neutral. No sense in escalating things if it wasn't necessary.

The Champion of Rome watched as the Warrior Princess effortlessly drew back the string of the bow. She held it in perfect form and glanced at the woman standing off to her left. "Did you want something?" Her tone was lazy, but Livia knew that if need be, Xena could spring to action faster than the blink of an eye.

"I want many things. What I don't want is for your soul to fall into the wrong hands. It appears it's quite the commodity." Again, Livia kept her tone neutral, her face void of all emotion.

"And you care because?"

The Empress of Rome shook her head in disgust. "Because it directly influences me and Rome. I will not be a pawn in anyone's game any longer. My destiny is my own. I grow weary of this neverending plot of subterfuge. I propose an alliance."

Xena relaxed the string of the bow and speared Livia with a piercing look. "What's in it for me?"

Livia shrugged. "You keep your soul, isn't that incentive enough?" Here, the young woman's tone grew harsh, "I don't want anything from you, Xena, I don't need you, I simply want this to end, so that I can get on with restoring Rome to it's former greatness."

The Warrior Princess was silent a moment. This bitter woman was her child and while her mothering instincts weren't good by anyone's standards, she did want to protect her offspring and see her succeed. "First, you have to do something for me."

Livia raised an eyebrow and stepped further into the clearing.

******

"Ugh, mortals. If I wasn't the god of Love, I'd be done with them, just like that." Cupid snapped his fingers.

Jeremiah came up behind him and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It can't be all that bad."

Cupid grimaced. "It can and it is. I haven't heard from my mother for awhile and that worries me. Then, someone's shooting my arrows willy nilly. I can feel it, that tingle that comes when Love's arrow pierces a living thing."

Jeremiah paused, "Who has them again?"

Cupid shook his head. "Xena. And it seems she's abusing them. C'mon, we've got to go get them back. Even if I do have a replacement set, I can't let a mere mortal run wild with them."

A flash of light and the two men were gone.

*********

*TWANG* *THUNK*

Xena rolled her shoulder a bit and watched as the magic arrows did their job. She'd intentionally hit a bird flying in the air and watched it collapse on the ground, stunned from the impact. The Warrior Princess carried the bird to a nearby stream and watched as it regained consciousness only to gaze upon a rather fat salmon swimming lazily in the water.

Intense feelings of love and longing and hunger overcame the bird. It simply had to have that delicious creature swimming in the water. Have it to hold and nurture and swallow.

Xena smirked and made her way back to the clearing. That was amusing, but if her senses were right, and they usually were, it was about to get even more amusing.

A shimmer and a poof later, Cupid and Jeremiah stood in front of the Warrior Princess. "I suppose you think it's funny, to torment creatures like that poor bird."

Xena shrugged, nonchalantly. "I thought it was humorous. And ironic. A true example of what love really is."

The winged god clenched his fists. If there's one thing he couldn't abide, it was mortals scoffing at him. "Be careful Xena, Love has an ugly side as well."

The Warrior Princess looked unconcerned and continued. "Amazing, how you've been able to dupe everyone for so long. That animal is the best example. It's struck with this feeling of wanting to protect and nurture yet it can't help it's instincts to destroy the object of it's affections. Strikes pretty close to home, doesn't it?"

Cupid drew his lip up in a slight snarl. This mortal really was pushing his buttons. "You didn't seem to think so. If I recall, you had no problem slaying your lover."

Xena let a chilling smile cross her face. "That's right, and I have no problem slaying yours."

Cupid turned the moment Xena's words registered only to find Jeremiah looking stupidly at the sword point portruding from his chest. He looked up and blinked as blood trickled from his lip. "Cu--" The man fell to the ground, leaving the Champion of Rome standing there with a satisfied grin upon her face.

"Ain't love a bitch?" She cocked her eyebrow at Cupid and put the heel of her boot on Jeremiah's back. With a swift tug and a sickly sound, the sword was pulled out and Livia was gazing at it in an almost affectionate way.

Cupid dropped to his knees near the fallen body of his lover and gently cradled his head in his lap. "Oh Jeremiah, no."

Livia wiped her sword on the grass, sheathed it and went to stand next to Xena. So far, so good. It had been an all to easy thing to sneak up behind the boy and run him through.

Xena surveyed the scene of a weeping Cupid and said loftily, "Before you do something stupid, I'd remember the Rule of Adonis if I were you. Wouldn't want to get into trouble, now would we?"

With a slight smirk of victory, Xena strolled away with Livia following a short distance behind. Love's Outrage, check. It was only a matter of time now.

They silently melted into the forest, Livia breaking the silence after a few moments. "You know, that was too easy."

Xena merely grunted in response. Livia was silent for a few more moments. "Love is blonde."

An odd sound filtered through the forest, it was the sound of Xena's laughter.

Zeus was speechless for the first time in his life.
His sobbing grandson held the bloodied body of his lover in his arms. Cupid's body was shaking in grief. Hera looked down at him with a mixture of annoyance and reluctant sympathy.
It had been a very bad day in Olympus. And on Earth...apparently.
Cupid looked up at Zeus, his face streaming tears, his eyes blazing in anger.
"You owe me," he said smolderingly. "If there is any good in you at all..."
"Oh, please. Cupid," Hera groaned, "You're not so stupid that you're stealing lines from Hercules now are you?" Hera rolled her eyes. Zeus flashed her a look, and she was quiet.
"You killed my mother!" sobbed Cupid. "All right, I get it...it was an accident. But if you can't bring her back...at LEAST you can bring HIM back!"
"I'm not so sure I can't bring Dite's Afro back," Zeus said thoughtfully. "I haven't figured out how yet...but I'm working on it."
"You're working on it," Cupid snarled. "isn't that the same line you give all who pray to you? You're WORKING on it?"
"Listen, you insolent winged blonde FOOL!" Zeus snarled, shaking Cupid with his incredible power. "DO not sass me like that again. There are reasons for everything, even accidents, do NOT forget that. And now..." he broke off, turning away. Dite's Afro was gone. That was not an easy pill to swallow, and it had NOT been part of the plan.
COULD he bring her back?
"I'll think about it," Zeus finally said, turning back to Cupid. "Leave your lover with me. I'm going to see if I can't revive your mother. And Cupid..." he said sternly. Cupid looked at him expectantly.
"Do not do anything...stupid," Zeus said warningly. "It's not wise to go interfering in Earthly affairs. You should not have mingled with this Jeremaiah in the first place. This never would have happened otherwise."
Cupid broke into fresh sobs and covered his face with his hands.
"Now. Be off with you," Zeus said impatiently, waving his hand. "I have things to do, people to be."
Cupid whooshed away.
Good thing too, thought Zeus, rushing over to open the bottle of rum he'd stolen from Minya's that last time. It won't do for the likes of THAT grandson to see me...a bit unnerved.
Dite's Afro had been his favorite, after all. The only one who hadn't completely disappointed him. A pity.
Hera walked up to him and put her arm around him.
"While we're figuring this out my darling, not to mention waiting for Xena," she purred, "Can I...help you relax?"
Zeus looked at her, a slow grin spreading over his face. Meanwhile...Cara watched from the doorway, knowing that her turn would soon come...later.

*******************************************

Cupid walked around in his temple, tears spilling down his face. What a horrible turn of events. He would never, NEVER forgive Bliss for that arrow incident.
He should have known. Bliss was always a mischief maker. But his mischief sometimes went too far.
The arrows that he had THOUGHT he'd gotten back from Bliss...were a replacement set. The real arrows...Bliss had obviously given to Xena. What she had bribed him with was beyond Cupid's imagination.
Xena, this evil Xena, was going to be a serious problem. Now she still had all his real arrows. What was a god to do?
Cupid fell to his knees, overcome by grief and remorse. He never should have tried to watch Xena and Drusilla. If only he'd left well enough alone...Jeremaiah might be alive today.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed, covering his head with his hands. "I'm sorry, Jeremaiah. Forgive me...please forgive me!"
"Awww!" A familiar voice sympathized.
Cupid gasped. NO! It couldn't be. But....
He stumbled to his feet, still blinded by grief. There she was...Dite's Afro! She was alive!
But...no.
It couldn't be.
"Mom?" he said brokenly. "Mom...is that..."
"Oh, puh-lease. I'm a Ditebot. Your mom alive after THAT frying incident? AS IF!"
Cupid hung his head, tears splashing to the floor.
"Awww, stop bawling, you'll get me started. Ditebots shouldn't cry, they'll rust, ya know."
"I can't believe this," murmured Cupid. "I can't."
"Well quit whining and DO something about it. After all...you are a god."
"Yes, a god with orders," sighed Cupid. "I can't meddle in mortal affairs. Then again..."
"What. YOU can't meddle but someone else can't? One of the biggest meddlers of all?"
"Someone else...."
The Ditebot laughed musically...and whooshed away.
Cupid knew what to do now. If...he could get him to listen....
*****************************************************************
"This is ridiculous, Iolaus," Hercules growled, kicking a rock as he and Iolaus walked together. "We have the evil Xena here and the good Xena somewhere else....meanwhile, my father barbecues my sister, and I'm supposed to sit here and TAKE it?"
"Hercules," said an all too familiar voice behind him.
Iolaus groaned. "Herc...look who it is."
Hercules turned around. Cupid stood there, looking like he was ready for blood.
"I heard you were warned not to meddle in mortal affairs," Hercules said. "If you think I'm going to help you..."
"I'm not asking you to take on Zeus--you do that well enough without my meddling," Cupid said. "I'm asking you to speed it up with the evil Xena. She's caused me enough pain already."
"Cupid, Cupid, Cupid," Iolaus sighed. "Don't you think she's caused a LOT of people pain? Like...what's her name again, Drusilla?"
Cupid coughed. "Don't remind me."
"More of your stupid meddling," Hercules sighed. "And now you ask me for my help."
"Hey--you're family--Uncle," Cupid said defiantly. "Families ARE supposed to help each other you know."
"In the immortal words of your poor mother....yada yada yada," Hercules said bitterly, thinking of how "family" had helped him over the years.
At the mention of Dite's Afro, Cupid burst into tears and hung his head.
"All right--all right, don't cry, Cupid, I'll see what I can do," Hercules said quickly. He didn't want to think too much about Dite's Afro or he might lose it. Or worse, go after Zeus and kill him...again.
"I want this evil Xena out of the picture as much as you do," Hercules told Cupid. "This is not right, any of it. Trust me, I'm on it, Cupid."
Damn that Callisto, he thought.
"What are you doing about it?" Cupid demanded, wiping his eyes furiously on the back of his hand.
"I know where the chronos stone is."
"Where?" Cupid cried eagerly.
"Nup. Sorry," Hercules said sympathetically but firmly. "I'm not telling, Cupid. No telling who will be listening...after all." He cleared his throat.
"Right. Alti has her powers back," Cupid snarled. "Who from?"
"I believe," Hercules said grimly, "his name is Lucifer."
"Not THE--"
"Yes, THE," Hercules said. "One of the many aspects of....what Eli called the Devil. I'm sure Dahok is none too pleased at this turn of events." Hercules grimaced and spat on the ground. Thinking of Dahok still brought back terrible memories.
"Herc, I think we said enough," Iolaus said nervously.
"I think so too," Hercules said. "Cupid....go back home. Clean your arrows or something. I'll do my best from here."
"I CAN'T clean my arrows, dammit, XENA has them!" Cupid exploded.
"Oh, right," Hercules frowned. "Somehow I thought you'd gotten them back."
"Well I did, but Bliss...never mind, it's too complicated to explain!"
"Bliss," chuckled Hercules. "Right. Well Cupid, go home, get out of trouble. Leave the trouble to me." He smiled, ever so slightly.
"All right," Cupid said. "Thanks, Uncle Herc. Ummm...when you're done...I may see what I can do for you. Lots of ladies looking for a hero, you know."
"I"ll take you up on that," Hercules said, meaning to do no such thing. Cupid grinned, and whooshed away.
*************************************************************************
In his temple again, Cupid went over to the shrine of his mother, and knelt before it.
"Forgive me," he said softly. "But what can I do? I can't just sit...and do nothing...can I?"
"No," said a voice.
He turned around. THere she was, standing there looking crestfallen--Demeter.
"I am deeply sorry for your loss, Cupid," Demeter said sadly. "I am furious at Zeus for allowing this to happen. I must ask that you do nothing rash. But do NOT be passive."
"Xena has my arrows," Cupid said brokenly, standing up.
"Unfortunately yes--and she has Love's Outrage too," Demeter spat. "Killing Jeremaiah sealed that fate. ANd now she will go back to her time. It was only a matter of time, Cupid."
"Jeremaiah..."
"I don't know if there's much Zeus can do for him...or if he will," sighed Demeter. "After all....Xena must present all those trinkets to him...and Hera." She curled her lip.
"Love's Outrage," Cupid growled. "Love's Outrage."
His rage boiled over....and his temple began to shake. Walls cracked, and fire was set to them. Demeter put out the fire and repaired the cracks. THen she ran to Cupid and took him by the shoulders, shaking him.
"Get ahold of yourself, Cupid!" she shouted. "You MUST prevail in this! Now that the Goddess of Love is dead, there SIMPLY is no other way. You have to do the work she started and left unfinished."
"I can't," Cupid said, tears streaming down his face. "I don't know how."
"Well stop being stupid and figure out how!" snapped Demeter. "Didn't she start a love brigade with Draco and Mavican? Don't you think we can hook up with them...and make something happen?"
"Draco," Cupid mused. He thought of the old days, when Bliss was just a baby. Even then, he'd been mischievous. What a mess that had been with Draco and Xena...and yet...he'd give anything to have those old days back. At least Xena had been somewhat normal.
Somewhat.
"Well? Are you going to sit around here feeling sorry for yourself? Or are you going to come with me where we can try to make a REAL difference on Earth?" Demeter's motherly presence was oddly comforting even though she was scolding him at the moment.
Cupid wiped away the last of his tears and turned to look at his mother's shrine. Zeus had said he might be able to revive her. Might.
But in case he couldn't....he could at least do his part to make it up to her.
"I'll do it," he said, turning back to Demeter. "There's just one problem."
"Your arrows...yes, I know," Demeter said grimly. "Well...we'll have to work on that one. I DON'T want you doing anything rash again, Cupid."
"I know," Cupid sighed. "I think my days of doing rash things are over. Jeremaiah..."
"Here now. Don't cry anymore, you've already made it rain on Earth in sixty places," Demeter took him in her arms, careful of his wings, and gave him a shoulder to cry on. "It hurts, Cupid. Then again, love does...doesn't it?"
He wept for what he hoped was the last time. Crying always made his nose feel like it was melting off. He hated that.
"All right," he finally said, composed. "Let's do this."

Headline story from The Daily Scroll, Olympian news-scroll

Dite's Afro Alive! Dahok Beheaded! Zeus & Hera Nip New Terror in the Bud!


by Nigel U. Rthere


Just a few days after the apparent accidental death of dite's afro- mistaken for a prowler in the palace and burned to a cinder by Zeus- the deity of love resurfaced on a day that saw a few major events for Olympus. What had really happened to the goddess of love?

"Hey! get your mortal meathooks off my shoulders, And tell your pizza-faced paparazzi pals no photos today, I am in mourning." dite gave this reporter the hottest evil eye he'd had ever been given. Then, "I was resting on the sofa this morning when this cute raven swooped in & left me a message.


'D,
I hope you're feeling better by the time you get this note, which should arrive Thursday morn, as I wanted to make sure you got plenty of undisturbed sleep, you over-worked poo! I have decided to go on ahead of you to Olympy. You remember how I used to disguise myself as you? How I could do a little charmy-poo on my face so that I could resemble you for a few secs? And remember how your old man couldn't tell it was you sometimes? Ha ha, I loved that, then once he found out it was me, he'd get all tush-pinch-happy! I figured I'd give the ol fogey a li'l blast from the past and slinker around as you. Our bods are about the same lookin dontcha figure? Hehee mine's bigger upfront ha ha! Ta ta til Thursday.
Gotta adore me,
Freyia'


A momentary silence from an obvious still upset deity. "I had felt yucky for a couple days. Something in Olympus was making me uncomfortable. Worse than uncomfy, serious minded. I bolted to Asgard for a few days to chill & hang with Freyia. She was so awesome..." Then the goddess gave me a honest to-Zeusness look of reproach, "You best write some totally 'mazing articles about Freyia or I'll see to it the only writin' you do will be on the bathroom walls in Tartarus." Woah! A threat from she who dispenses love! Gotta watch my back!

"How did you learn that you were presumed dead?"

"After I got Freyia's letter, I whoosed back to my Olympian pad, unseen, I wanted to surprise Fre. She wasn't there. I figured she was at the palace. Then I noticed a lotta flowers on my pathway outside. Aw, how sweet I thought, they missed me. There was also a day old ish of The Daily Scroll on the ground, someone had dropped. That's how I found out. Realized it musta been...Freyia that pop killed." dite, who'd been sitting on the floor during our chat, hugged her knees at this point and whooshed away.

(Nigel's tribute to Freyia: see pgs 5-10)


Reunion At the Palace

After reading of her 'death' in The Daily Scroll, dite had whooshed over to the palace. She hovered unseen above the brunch room of Zeus & Hera, apparently not wanting to be cut down with lightning bolts like her friend Freyia. She slowly appeared an inch at a time in what was her favorite chair at the brunch table.

"She had the scroll account with her in hand," Hera told me, "Looking at Zeus, telling him it was Freyia disguised as her that he had cut down. Freyia, who had wanted to relive an old childhood prank."

At that point, dite was feeling that serious-mood illness and wanted to chat about Freyia somewhere else where she could get a breath of fresh air. This was a good suggestion, Hera told me, as Athena was closeby in the kitchen area, accusing the staff there of using the arrows of her archers for curtain rods in their chambers. Mistrust of one another was everywhere.

Zeus whooshed the three of them to a mountaintop high above and behind the palace. Hera and her husband discussed what should be done now. They wondered what Odin and Asgard would think and do once news of Freyia's death reached them. Yes, Freyia shouldn't have disguised herself as dite- or anyone- and hid in the shadows of the entrance to Zeus' chambers. But how to explain Zeus' lethal means of force instead of capturing the might-be prowler? Will there be war between the pantheons or should Zeus surrender himself to the court of Asgard?

"I needed a walk to think about it," confided Zeus. "I walked a path on the mountaintop. Strolled around the corner, weighing my options. Then I saw a most curious thing."

What Zeus saw was a strange creature in the entrance of a cave, a short distance below him. The boulders near Zeus must have blocked his presence to the eyes of the foreigner. Zeus then crouched behind the rocks and watched as a figure he knew approached the cave down mountain.

Hera continues here, "It was Cara, the newest palace maid. Zeus had motioned for dite & me to follow him silently and watch what was unfolding. Cara was quite pregnant, which was surprising that none of us had noticed this before. A pregnacy as far along as her's would have been a hot topic in the palace. Cara showed no fear in nearing the powerful looking being in the cave. We quite clearly heard her call him her son."

It was this declaration that prompted Zeus to softly scan the minds of those in the cave. We all know he can read our thoughts and uncover our deeds while in Olympus, if Zeus so desires. "I rarely do that anymore. Honestly. I'm not much for silent prying, I prefer a physical touch," said a winking Zeus.


Daughter of Dahok


Cara was indeed a daughter of the self styled "one god above all others" Dahok. Later in the evening, Apollo would quickly comprise a report on the story of Cara. (See pgs 2-4, 11- 13 for more on Cara and Dahok).

Cara had managed to work her way from temple employee on earth to palace maid in Olympus. No one had researched her past. "Believe me that new procedures will be created to make sure only certified mortals with a spotless past make it to Olympus from now on." declared Apollo.

What of Cara's son and the child on the way? "They were mine. I mean, can you expect me not to bed a devine lass such as Cara? Ouch! Hera, you know my appetite for sex is insatiable. Please don't hit me because I live life to the fullest."

Zeus went on, "This son of Cara's, he had lightning bolt designs on his hands. He was blackish green. No, not a creature like Hope's son, The Destroyer. This lad was developing shape-shifting abilities. He would eventually have passed for anyone in Olympus."

Zeus read the plan Cara was hatching. Breed an army of these shape-shifters with powers from the gods and take over Olympus for Dahok. Olympus would just be the first world to be conquered. Cara had the power to cloud minds, she bragged to her son about incidents taking place in the city over which she had let her power reek. Up here on the mountain, however, she thought herself and her son safe, so she let her guard down.

Quickly a plan was formed. dite would keep Cara at bay while Zeus & Hera destroyed the offspring. The trio descended upon the two below. While an angry dite had no problem sitting on a screaming Cara (who she doused with love potions, so maybe she was screaming for dite?), Cara's precious gave the Olympian duo a surprisingly strong fight. "Good thing he was only a boy." Hera revealed. "Had he been a full grown adult, we might have needed reinforcements." To which Zeus offered, "Too bad he was bent on our destruction and shouted for Cara & Dahok. Had he been a true-blood Olympian, I dare say he'd been the perfect heir to me. Guess I can still produce some mighty punchers!"

With the unnamed son of Cara dead and the mother herself in custody, what was the next course of action? To inform Freyia's clan of her death and a showdown with Dahok.


Olympus & Asgard Vs Dahok


We could not get anyone in Asgard to comment on Freyia or on the Dahok conflict. Not even Beowulf would discuss these matters with us. However, Athena did consent to talk to us briefly.

"Odin undertsood the situation, the prank and the infiltration of Dahok's daughter. Freyia's mother, Njord, was furious and insisted Zeus would pay. Hera reminded Njord of past encounters between the pantheons where mortals had caused trouble and sometimes death had often resulted in either camp. I should have thought of that argument but well, my mind was still a bit clouded over.

Some of the best fighters from both Olympus & Asgard descended on Dahok's realm. Cara hadn't time nor the power to warn Dahok during or after her capture (Odin removed her brain and fed it to his ravens). Zeus knew where Dahok's musty world lie and led us all there. Had you been there, Nigel, you would have witnessed a marvelous hunt for the coward one-god which was topped off by toppling off the head of Dahok. The capture and holding of Dahok was a valiant battle for both groups who fought as one. Dahok was more slippery than aggresive. Fury was on our side. Zeus alone held Dahok as Odin beheaded the creature god with his might spear, Grungir. Tsk, tsk, you should have been there, Nigel."

And what fate for the head of Dahok? Hera tells us, "We have stuffed it and will use it as a trophy in an annual soccer game between Asgard and ourselves. The Freyia Bowl. She was outdoorsy and a sportswoman."

What does the death of Dahok mean to those on earth he was plotting against or with? Zeus laughed here, "Poor Bella. What will she do? Apollo never discovered who Cara's twin sibiling was. Maybe Cupid could find this out for us. He likes to interfere with mortals. Just ask your mother when she's feeling better."

Olympus is now slowly getting back to normal. The petty fights have ended. The bruises certain gods & goddesses recieved while fighting & bickering over nonsense will heal. dite's afro has volunteered to help in the love void left by the untimely death of Freyia.

One final thought from Zeus? "Well, we are short a palace maid again. Perhaps on my next journey to earth, I'll pick one up an- ouch! Hera, quit hitting me with that Daily Scroll!"

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"So Xena, how are you going to get out of this one?" asked Livia.

"Hmm?"

The mother and daughter were standing on the shore of a lake fishing in the waning daylight. In a general sort of way they were heading toward Mt. Olympus, but Xena had taken them on a slight detour. The lake was not far from the spot where the village of Cirra had once stood. There wasn't much hurry for, as scroll that Zeus and Hera had given her stated, the chakram key could not be formed until the new moon. Livia had suggested a spot of subtle persuasion to keep Selene from disappearing for that night, but Xena had cryptically said, no if Selene missed her night off there would be hell to pay. What Xena didn't say was that she had a date with her past before she ever reached Olympus.

"I mean, just how are you going to keep that hag from stealing your soul? Or Hera and Zeus, for that matter."

"Oh, I suppose I'll think of something. I usually do." Xena cast a line out.

"Except when you don't," pointed out Livia.

A ghost of smile ran across Xena's face. Her daughter was so familar and yet so strange. A spare thought made her wonder why everybody thought that this child would have turned out any differently if her future self had been able to raise her. Even a good mother can only do so much. Look at Cyrene and...Xena pushed that thought out of her head.

"Have you got everything you need?" Livia's voice saved Xena from her train of thought.

"Yes."

"What if Alti gets the third chakram before you do what it is you need to?"

"I'm counting on her getting it." Xena grinned.


*************

Suddenly there he was. A shadow in the twilight. Sitting on a log by

Livia drew her dagger out of its sheath. How the hell had something that big appeared so quickly and quietly?

"Easy, Livia. It's Hercules. For the next few days we're all on the same side."

"As far as protecting your soul, yes," said Hercules. "I'm not convinced that beyond that any of us have similar--or even accomodating goals."

"An honest man and almost clever," declared Livia as she sheathed her knife.

"A powerful ruler and almost sane," replied Hercules mildly.

"Just keep your distance," Livia wrinkled her nose. "I've heard about what you did to my mother. I don't want it to catch."

"Don't worry, Eve. I wouldn't dream of touching you. Your mother would kill me."

Livia's eyes flashed with anger, but she kept her temper.

Hercules turned to Xena and smiled. "Shall we take a walk while we leave the child to start a fire?"

**********

Xena and Hercules walked away into the woods. Mentally Xena was making a list of things she wanted to take back with her. Cupid's arrows, a few of those historical scrolls, the double chakram, the knowledge of how to make the same mistakes with Hercules and Iolaus, the Chronos Stone...

"Have you completed your tasks?" asked Hercules.

"Yeah. As soon as Iolaus brings me the stone, I'll be on my merry way to my own time."

"And back out of my life." Hercules sighed.

Xena hid a smirk...a little seduction to warm up for the next show. She'd be that much more effective when she went after him after not going soft. She leaned close to him and put one of his large hands around her waist.

"You know...I don't have to go back just yet--" she broke off as Hercules leaned down and kissed her fiercely.

When he broke away, she had trouble catching her breath.

"We're already back then," he said suddenly.

A dazed look came into Xena's eyes. She looked around. Why did she feel so foggy? A man stood close to her. A good looking, strong man holding a green stone. He flashed a smile at her then suddenly disappeared in the blink of an eye.

Rubbing a temple, Xena reflected that she'd better kill whoever had served the grog at last night's celebration after Cirra had burned. He must have drugged it. If there's one thing a ruthless warlord cannot tolerate it is underlings that drug you.


*******

Hercules returned to the present day and noticed that Livia had built a fire and was roasting the fish she and Xena had caught earlier. Xena was standing in the waning light casting her line. He quietly approached her. She turned and looked at him in surprise.

"Hercules?" She glanced over her shoulder and saw Eve by the fire. "Oh...I'm dreaming."

"No, I'm afraid not," said Hercules. He leaned down and kissed her.

With the kiss the flood of memories of what her past self had been doing for the last several weeks overwhelmed her for a moment and she sat down suddenly on a rock.

"I did what?" She looked appalled for just a moment as the memories played through her mind. The expression faded and was replaced by resignation. She had made what peace she could with the restored memories. Scowling at Hercules she said, "Now just how did you manage that?"

"Family recipe," the demi-god smiled and held up an empty vial. "Mnemosyne doesn't have to take away all memories. And she can give them back."

"And I'm sure you had give it to me with a kiss?" Xena raised an eyebrow.

"Auntie Nim gave me very special instructions."

"Oh...your divinity...." Xena tried to keep a staight face.

"Well, I suspect she was pulling my chain." Hercules admitted, "But I didn't question her to closely. I do have my priorities, you know."

"Oh right."

"Really! It was all giving you what you needed to hold on to your soul."

Xena leveled her gaze at Hercules and opened her mouth to speak.

"I hate to interrupt," interrupted Livia. "But dinner is served."

***********

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Xena and Hercules both had identical looks of astonishment on their faces.

"It's not every day the ruler of the known world serves you dinner. Shall we?" Hercules grinned and gestured to Xena.

*****

The meal had been quiet but satisfying and all three were relaxing in relative ease when a sudden crashing through the underbrush had them all up and in arms.

"Xe-Xena!!" A frightened and out of breath man lunged at the Warrior Princess.

Reflexively, Xena held out her arm and kept him from directly hurling himself against her body.

"Gee Mother, you are popular," Livia quipped.

Xena then graced Livia with "The Glare" and then focused her attention on the struggling, whimpering man. "Have you been struck by the Furies or is this personal?"

The distraught man suddenly caught sight of Hercules and flew into a rage, hurling himself at the demigod and pounding on his chest with all of his might. "You...you bastard! You killed her. My pride and joy, my Bossy!"

Hercules looked down in slight amusement at the man raining blows upon his chest and gently grabbed his wrists, effectively stopping him from hurting himself any further. "Calm down. Killed who? I can't have done that as I've been here the entire evening."

The man scoffed, "Don't lie. I saw you but a candlemark ago razing my village and killing my precious Bossy. Bastard!" He struggled to free his wrists.

Hercules shook his head. "That's impossible, I've been here the entire... Oh no," a sinking feeling suddenly settled in his stomach.

He turned to Xena and said "I have to go. It's the Sovereign. I'm sorry Xena, I wish I could stay, but it sounds like he's somehow escaped his prison. I'll return as soon as I'm able."

The demi-god quickly gathered his things and rushed off into the night.

*****

The next day found Xena and Livia on the road to Olympus. Livia couldn't quite put her finger on it, but something was definitely different about Xena. She noticed how much calmer Xena seemed, there was none of the nervous energy of earlier.

The Champion of Rome had also observed Xena watching her a few times, only to look away a split second before Livia would raise her head to meet her gaze. The young woman knew she wasn't imagining things, she knew when she was being watched. Still, she had no interest in figuring out Xena's actions. They had a job to do.

Storms into the room.

'Where the hell is my cheating lieing husband'

And there stands Psyche with her hands on her hips.