Warrior...Princess...Paul McCartney

Xena, Gabrielle and the Rock Star Army have traveled to Athens to produce a musical Gabrielle has been working on.
They arrive to find the theater district all abuzz about a new playwright who has two blockbuster musicals playing already. A Briton who migrated to Greece has achieved great success with "We All Live on a Yellow Trireme" and "Appian Road." Gabrielle is concerned there may not be room for a first time author's show in Athens.

As Gabrielle is expressing her concerns to Xena about the tough competition, the agora becomes abuzz with excitement as Paul McCartney comes strolling through. Xena calls to him, "Hey Paul... come talk to us an iota."
"'Tell Me Why', do you warriors have a beef with me?" he asks, eyeing the armor-clad Princess.
"Of course not, I just want your opinion. Are you going anywhere special?" she asks.
"'Nowhere Man.' It's just that with all my success right now 'Everybody's Trying To Be My Baby' and I'm not in the mood for groupies or trollops."
Xena grabs the front of his tunic and hefts him into the air with one arm. She stands calmly, looking at the struggling composer. "Did you mistake me for a groupie or a trollop?" Xena asks with a false politeness.
"'Don't Let Me Down', your eyes are beautiful from up here," Paul says.
"How's my fist look?" as Xena puts it against his nose. "Do you think it could knock you 'Across The Universe?'"
"Put me down please," he asks politely. Xena heeds the request and Paul scribbles a note. "I want to write that down."

Gabrielle steps up and asks, "I was going to produce a musical, but you have such great success right now I'll probably keep writing and come back next season. Do you think you'll still be in Athens next year?"
"I wouldn't mind staying," answers Paul, "but just 'From Me To You' my mates are getting edgy to move on, they want to go 'Back In The USSR'. What's your show about?"
"Love," says Gabrielle. "Agape. Transcendental. Also a subplot of a woman wanting to tell someone else how important that someone is to her. I call it 'All You Need is Love.'"
Paul jots down a note. "Sounds a bit sappy. You might want to put some swordfights and treachery in there."
"That's what I said," says Xena, sharing a fist bump with Paul. "and a bathtub scene to boot. That always does well."
"Xena... It's been a hard day of traveling for us. Why don't you go let loose somewhere and let Paul and I talk a bit?"
"Sounds good to me, " the Princess says with a big party grin. "The Army and I are ready for 'A Hard Day's Night.'"
Paul scribbles away again.

"So tell me about your play," says Paul.
"It's only sort of a play," says Gabrielle. "The inspiring force behind it has been me wanting to tell Xena how much she means to me. We met when my village was being ravaged by a warlord and she came to our rescue, and 'When I Saw Her Standing There,' I said to her 'I Got To Get You Into My Life.' There's just 'Something' in the way she moves me. You know what I mean?"
Paul is jotting down extensive notes. "hmmm, yeah, of course."
"Xena said I should marry a wealthy farmer or shopkeeper and live quietly, but I told her dinars 'Can't Buy Me Love.' 'Do You Want To Know A Secret' Paul? 'When I'm Sixty-Four' I hope to still be with Xena. My life seems to have begun when I met Xena, she's the object of 'All My Loving', the rest of it is just... 'Yesterday.' Know what I mean?"
"Got it, mate," says Paul writing furiously away on his pocket scroll. "I hear you."
"'In My Life' I dreamed of being like Xena. Being on the road is hard of course, no plan really, we just 'Follow The Sun', we're a bit of a 'Band On The Run' but we 'Get By With A Little Help From Our Friends'."
Gabrielle pauses and gazes up at the stars. "'Venus and Mars Are Alright Tonight'. and look, there's 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.' She contemplates the stars, her life, her future, silently while Paul continues to scribble scribble scribble.
"Xena and I are in Athens for now, but 'Tomorrow Never Knows.' I wrestle about our future sometimes, and I try to talk it out with Xena but it all comes out blah blah blah and 'Ob-la-Di Ob-la-Dah'. Then I realize there's no value to that, so I just follow Xena's advice and 'Let It Be.' I know 'We Can Work It Out' 'And I Love Her'."

Paul writes silently.

"So what do you think Paul? Is there a chance for a love like that?" ask Gabrielle.
"All I know Gabrielle is that before she left, she said 'She Loves You'. And You Know That Can't Be Bad." he says. "You said it yourself...'All You Need Is Love.' Thanks for all your inspiration. Got to 'Get Back.' I have some writing to do. My best to you and Xena."
Paul spots a friend hurrying through the agora. "'Hey Jude!' Wait up!"

As he disappears into the crowd, Gabrielle is left with her thoughts. Xena approaches staggering from too much grog. "I've been on a real 'Magical Mystery Tour' and by the gods 'I Feel Fine'. That barkeep 'Mean Mr. Mustard' has some grog here that will knock a Warrior on her butt. It makes me want to 'Twist And Shout.'" She takes Gabrielle into her arms and starts to dance.

Gabrielle gazes at her Warrior Princess. "You know Xena... I really love you."
"Yeah?? How much?" Xena kids her playfully. "Enough to buy me another round?"
Gabrielle puts her hands on Xena's face, kisses her gently on the lips.
"I love you truly...madly...deeply. From all the earth I tread, to all the heavens of Olympus, since the moment I saw you to what I hope will be my last moment on terra. I love thee."

Xena looks deeply into her eyes. "Let's skip that next round. 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' and just go to the inn for some 'Golden Slumbers'."


Disclaimer: No copyrights were harmed in the making of the episode, though Xena's next day hangover made her exclaim 'I Should've Known Better'.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Brian,

Cool, Brian! Good to see McCartney appear again. i was especially happy reading yer Roy Orbison inclusion. Can't say enuff good stuff about Roy.

lol... good work on that one brian..

what ... will you do after rockstar finishes?

quote:

what ... will you do after rockstar finishes?

We're saving a letter for you, Michelle. So we won't finish until you post a story. Only 9 letters left... don't tarry or you'll get stuck with X.

Xena...Warrior...Suzi Quatro

1974...

"Skin tight skin, hair dyed and walks like a rainbow
Where she goes the Joe knows her middle name
High heels, click, clack
Hey are you walkin' or stalkin?"
sang Gillian (aka Gilly) before she went to bed one night. "Skin Tight Skin" was her current fave Suzi song.

She pondered, 'What is it about this lady in leather? Ok, leather jumpsuits that are zipped down low. Hmmmm.' Her eyes grew heavy & she dozed off.

The dreams began that night. She was carrying a staff. Defending good people from baddies. Her long blonde hair was reddish blonde in the dream & someone called her Gabrielle. It was a tall, long legged dark haired woman named Xena. A warrior, no less.
...

"A blueberry muffin, dear?" her mom asked.

Gilly was staring intently at the cover of "Quatro", Suzi's latest LP. Dressed in leather, a guitar thrust forward like a sword. Of course! "Xena" must represent Suzi in her dream.

Her mom grabbed the album. "Gilly, this trash is no good! Suzi Slutro! You should listen to good decent music like Marie Osmond. Your sister Lilly does."

Gilly only rolled her eyes & sang some "Devil Gate Drive":
"Well your mama don't know where your sister done go
She gone down to the Drive. She's the start of the show
And let her move on up. Let her come let her go.
She can jive
Down in Devil Gate Drive"

"Blasphemy! Devil's music!" screamed her mom. "To your room now! You are grounded, young lady!"
...

That nite, "Devil Gate Drive" must've inspired her. Gilly dreamt something about Bacchae, being bit by female vampires, biting this Xena person, & so on. Gilly woke thinking Xena was not Suzi, even if Suzi had somehow sparked these dreams.
...

Being grounded meant listening to more Suzi. When "The Wild One" became her fave song, her dream that nite involved Xena possibly reverting to her evil ways cause Ares was disguised as her father. Gilly woke with a "Who is Ares & what in Tartarus is going on & wait- what the hell is Tartarus?!?!"

Her sister Lilly was in the room they shared, giving Gilly a sharp look as she spoke to a friend on the phone. "Sorry, Sarah Fin, it was my irritating blond sister gabbing to herself. What were you saying?"

Gilly's ears perked up. "Sarah Fin? Seraphin! Irritating blond? Gabbing? Gabby! Ack! Is it dreams or past lives? As Suzi would sing, I'm All Shook Up!"
...

To be continued!!!

Disclaimer:
No Suzi Quatro leather jumpsuits were totally unzipped in this ep, except in the producer's mind.

Xena...Warrior...Ramones

1976...

"Hey ho, let's go Hey ho, let's go
Hey ho, let's go Hey ho, let's go
They're forming in straight line
They're going through a tight wind
The kids are losing their minds
The Blitzkrieg Bop"
sang Gilly, in good spirits, despite last nite's dream.

She as this Gabrielle person jumping in a lava pit with her daughter Hope in order to save Xena. Gabby might jump in a lava pit but Gilly would stick to lava lamps. Two years of these dreams was drivin' her bonkers. Thank the Gods- er Ramones for cool music to keep her going.
...

"You are not going to any Ramones show, young lady". Her pop told her. "No daughter of mine is going to end up like that deliquent Riff Randle".

"Your father is right. Why can't you listen to Debbie Boone like your sister Lilly?" her mom added like salt on a bleeding wound.

"I'd rather sniff glue than listen to Debbie Bonehead!" Gilly replied, referencing a Ramones song.

"To your room now! You are grounded, young lady!" her folks yelled in unison. For Gilly, it was deja vu all over again from her days as a Suzi Quatro fanatic.
...

Early the next morning, Gilly snuck out her window & climbed down the gutters to the ground. She was going to be first in line for the Ramones show. Her hope was to meet Joey & the guys to see if they'd record her song, "Xena Is a Punk Rocker". If Gabby was a bard, Gilly wanted to be a songwriter.
...

Outside the music theatre, there was one person in line as Gilly approached. The person turned to look & Gilly was floored- it was Xena, or a reasonable facsimile.

"Ya wanna take a picture, it'll last longer", said the tall, long legged dark haired beauty with a streak of punk pink in her hair.

"Sorry", gulped Gilly. She was hoping this was Xena as they'd both be Ramones fans. "Uh, my name's Gilly. I hoped I'd be first in line."

"Well yer not but yer close. My name's Sheena. Have we met cuz you look familiar? Maybe we sniffed glue together before?"

Only in my dreams, honey, Gilly wanted to say but instead: "In past lives maybe, you see, I have these drea-"

Suddenly they were interrupted by a skinny,lip pierced, mohawk wearing dude screaming that someone in an alleyway had mugged him of the 30 Ramones tickets for him & his pals. "They'll skin me alive for not havin' Ramones tickets! Help!"

Sheena knew the fellow. "Calm down, Jokester. Where's the fellow that mugged ya. We'll help murderize da bum for ya. Ya comin', Gilly?"
...

For Gilly it was surreal. Sheena threw a garbage can lid at the ticket thief's head. It bounced back & ricochet off the sides of the buildings in the alley before returning to her. The thief struggled to his feet but Gilly knocked him down with the long handle of a broom left in the alley.

Sheena looked a little too long at Gilly then & Gilly noticed. Had something clicked? "Ya handle that broom handle pretty well ha ha. We'd make a good team, eh?"

Maybe we once did, Gilly thought.
...

Dee Dee Ramone happened to see Gilly & Sheena get the tickets back from a window in the music hall. He had them invited up where they got to meet the band. Sheena was interested in being a road manager. Gilly took her song out, changed Xena to Sheena, and handed it to Joey. She quickly explained her dreams to him, hoping that might help to get him to record the song.

"You really don't want songwriting credit? That's weird but okay. Your dreams are fine, don't let your parents give ya a teenage lobotomy! Gabby is a cool name. Hmmm... Gabby Gabba Gabba. Gabba Gabba hey! I feel a song comin on." And so "Pinhead" was created.
...

It was a great concert. Gilly & Sheena watched it from the front row. Gilly knew her folks would ground her for life for being there.

Sheena was now road manager for the Ramones. She told Gilly bringing music to the people felt like making up for her bad deeds. "But um I'm only 19, I can't recall what bad deeds I've done. Ain't that stupid. Maybe I oughta be sedated".

Joey had told Gilly their next album would be titled "Leave Home". She took it as a sign.

"No, Sheena, it ain't stupid. Take me with you on the road. I can't stay home. I don't belong there, Sheena. I'm not the little girl that my parents wanted me to be. You wouldn't understand."

Something definitely clicked then. "Gabba Gabba Gabby Gilly hey who are we?" Sheena asked, looking confused. "But if ya wanna join me on the road, that's fine."

As they walked off singing "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment", Gilly was happy her dreams were real & as long as she & Sheena were toagther- she wouldn't be a Pinhead no more! Gabba Gabba hey!

Disclaimer:
No glue was sniffed in this ep but Jokester's mohawk was definitely glued on his head.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: xenacrazed,

That's some very good stuff, XC.

I had Q's rolling around in my head but I had completely forgotten Miss Quattro.

i'm figuring out one for v... violent femmes :P

Warrior...Princess...Shakira

"By the gods, it's hotter than Hades' furnace here." Xena mops sweat from her brow. She takes a water goatskin and soaks a small cloth, and rubs Gabrielle's face with it. "You've got to keep your head covered more Gabrielle or your brain will boil inside your skull."
The north African sun continues to broil the pair as they head along the coast toward Carthage. Walking the desert, even along the Mediterranean coast was more formidable than Xena expected.

"Look... another marker," Gabrielle points to a stone. "'Pies Descalzos'. What is that?"
"Pies made from descalzos," Xena replies. "And let me guess your next question: What's a descalzo? It sounds Roman to me, like a calzone or something. Who really knows though. Right now I'd prefer a water pie."

Gabrielle is tired of trudging in silence and asks, "Tell me again of this SheWolf. What did you hear about her?"
Xena replies, "Apparently she's a local warlord, and a nasty one. Seems to specialize in picking on orphans and needy children. She rounds them up, has special jails for them, probably demands ransom. Around here they call her Loba, which I guess is African for wolf. And some call her Shakira."
"I wonder what Shakira means," wonders Gabrielle.
"Bitch, probably," says Xena the heat putting an edge on her mood.
"But it was another warlord who told you about her?" asks the Bard.
"A warlord wannabe. You know the type... a henchmen smarter than other henchmen but still dumb as sand, thinks he can start his own band of cutthroats. I decided to win the fight only using the back of my left hand. Backfists, back slaps, finished off with a backhand nugie. I was almost embarassed to even knock him around, he was so pathetic. A farmer could have beaten him with a broken scythe handle. An old farmer at that."

Gabrielle could sense the Warrior Princess had been spoiling for a real fight, a worthy opponent that would challenge her and make her feel like the triumphant leader of old. Perhaps Shakira, Loba, SheWolf would get her creative fighting juices flowing. Meanwhile Gabrielle was getting hungry and descalzos pie was sounding good even though she had no clue what it was. Finally in the distance, a small town appeared. An older man sees them approaching and greets them. "All are welcome, but we don't care for weapons here. What's your business in our town?"
"Water. Food. My friend wants a pie. That's all. We're tracking a warlord. We can pay, we're not here to take anything," says Xena.
The old man looks skeptical. "May we know your name?"
"This is Xena. The legendary Xena, the Greek who fought at Carthage," Gabrielle answers.
The old man's face lights up. "Ah yes!!! Always welcome! and hang on to your weapon, we know you only fight for justice. I am Ahmed. "
He turns to Gabrielle. "And this must mean you are the Buxom Bard from Pottydeena." He glances at her bustline. "Perhaps legends are larger than life."
Xena can't help a giggle and smirky grin, but defends her friend. "She's the Battling Bard of Poteidaia. Rhymes with panacea. Sort of. At least Joe LoDuca made a rhyme of it, and he's the only one with an Emmy. And by the way, her 'buxom' is legendary with me, just as it is, ok?"
"All are welcome," says Ahmed, getting the gist of things. "Come. Enjoy our hospitality."

Villagers are sharing food, water, wine and friendship with the duo. Many are asking of Xena's exploits. Gabrielle asks for a descalzos pie, which raises a good laugh, and Xena deflects the questions of old exploits and asks where she can find the SheWolf.
"The SheWolf... Loba... Shakira...Bitch... whatever she's known by in these parts. We've got a date with destiny, she and I," says Xena.
Ahmed is very excited. "You've come to aid her quest? To join forces with our Shakira?"
Xena is puzzled. She relates what she was told, Ahmed and the villagers are aghast at such things being said.
"You've been misled. She is a woman who used her success in life to bring blessings to poor youth. She has schools and centers for children caught in the crossfire of warring factions. She gives them sanctuary and tries to show them education is the best tool for change, a necessary compliment to the other great weapon, courage. Shakira helps them learn so their courage will be more effective at changing the world. Her centers are a mother's open arms, welcoming youth and keeping them safe from danger. The markers you saw point the way. Pies Descalzos... it means barefoot in her native tongue. Part of her heritage comes from Catalan, the northern part of Spain. She's actually from a much farther land called Columbia, famous for it's emeralds. But she is the greatest jewel to emerge from there as far as we're concerned. Barefoot Foundation was named for her first great successful song collection, Pies Descalzos. It provided her the riches to help others. Imagine a young woman of eighteen who had the adult vision to aid needy children."
"Columbia? Catalan? So what's she doing here?" asks Gabrielle.
"Her father is Lebanese, the land where your Alexander the Great defeated the great city of Tyre. Her full name is Shakira Mebarak, Shakira means 'thankful' in Arabic. The name was prophetic, as she is thankful for her success and demonstrates her gratitude by helping children. And she aids all children caught in strife."
"Catalan, Columbia, Lebanese, Arabic... this woman's a real mutt. I guess even mongrels have a good side." Xena turns to Gabrielle. "Looks like no pie for you. Sorry I brought you here for nothing."
Gabrielle touches Xena's shoulder. "And I'm sorry there's no great battle for you. Perhaps there's other strife here. Or we can help this 'mutt' as you call her do some good."
"Sure... hanging around doing good, that's my thing Gabrielle." Xena's disappointment is poorly masked, but suddenly cut short. Gabrielle notices Xena's eyes open wider and sharp intake of breath. "By the gods..."

Shakira has entered. Her full hips and amazingly round bottom swaying beneath long blonde curls. Dark eyes above a beautiful mouth meet Xena's gaze. She strides to the Warrior Woman and states, "You've been asking for me."
Xena is uncharacteristically speechless. Gabrielle steps forward. "We were told bad information, from someone obviously trying to discredit you. We're not here for conflict. We don't have much, but you have our support."
Xena extends her arm and Shakira clasps forearms with her. The grip lingers longer than what is the usual social greeting, the undercurrents rippling through Xena are obvious. "Xena... proud to meet you. This is Gabrielle."
The Warrior Princess turns away, grabs her things and kisses Gabrielle on the forehead. "Stay here with her a few days. I'm taking off to see what's around, ok?"
"Sure. Want me to come with you?" Gabrielle can see Xena has been affected by the Catalan/Arabic/Columbian songstress.
"Nope. On my own for a bit." Xena leans close to whisper, "I love you. I'll see you soon."
She strides off into the desert.

Gabrielle and Shakira become fast friends. Gabrielle plays Bard for the children, telling them Xena adventures and of faraway places. She teaches them Greek games and tells Aesop's great fables. She watches Shakira in awe as she dances Arabic rags sharqi and listens raptly to tunes such as "Estoy Aqui", "Whenever, Wherever", "Dondes Estas Corazon", "Underneath Your Clothes", "Un Poco de Amor" and is totally enraptured by Shakira's "Objection Tango" where her amazing hips combine the Spanish Tango and Middle Eastern moves into an indescribable performance.

At twilight Shakira and Gabrielle are sharing a supper, and they talk of Xena.
"She really adores you, you know," says the singer.
"I know. Most times, I know. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't see me. Or I'm just along to hold her horse or something. Just like today, she takes off without a second thought about leaving me here. She'll come back as if she's retrieving her stabled horse and we'll go off again. No discussion or thought for me, just off she goes." Gabrielle's melancholy starts to well up a tear in her eye. She fights it back and looks at Shakira. "Maybe if I had hips like yours she wouldn't leave me here to wait."
"You're an idiot, Gabrielle," Shakira says. "You may be the Buxom Bard from Pottydeena, but you're a total idiot."
"Excuse me?"
"Get a grip, woman. Think of all you've told me about her. You fell for her the first day when she was battling slave traders at your village. You fell for her, completely, totally, without reservation. You gave up your family, your life, your home to be like her. You wanted to be her. Well she wasn't producing plays or playing house with an Amazon queen or hanging around an orphanage that day, was she? She was a warrior. Fighting. Killing. Using strength and skill and practiced art to whip some savage's ass. That's who you fell for. Since then you've been to India on a path of peace, you've followed the light with Najara, you went to the Academy of Bards in Athens. Even did yoga, by the gods. None of those endeavors are Warrior Princess. They are Bard. And she followed you. You've asked her to explore and be open to new ways and try to hold her heart open to things important to you. And now think about this, Gabrielle, and I mean really think hard about it... In all the years, has she ever, ever asked you to change? To not follow your heart or not just be yourself? If you married a farmer or merchant from Pottydeena you'd have a life of too many kids and beatings and hard housework, being taken when he's had too much grog. That's what most women have in this world. Is that how Xena treats you? Xena has known Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Caesar, Boudaceia, Ulysses, Eli, Ephiny, Meleager the Mighty, and Ares God of War. Has she ever asked one of them to accompany her? Did any of the greatest people of our time impress her enough to make a partnership with? She travels with you, Gabrielle. She lives with you, Gabrielle. She fights and hurts and struggles with you Gabrielle. And she even left today for you, Gabrielle."
"For me?"
"Maybe Xena likes my hips. But she loves you, and she's well aware what that means to her. So she didn't want to hang around eyeballing my ass and making you feel inadequate. Truth is, she might like my swaying bottom for a day or two, but it's you she lives with. And she left because she didn't want to hurt your feelings fighting what's nothing more to her than a moment's lust. She's probably sitting alone in the desert right now, freezing tonight and then roasting tomorrow because she was thinking of your feelings. She didn't want to ogle my bottom because it would tear at your heart. She's not stabling you like a horse, she sequestered herself to a terrible desert so you could stay here in comfort and companionship without worrying if my ass turns her on. And let's get further to the point... what have you done for her lately? what have you really done, for her?
Gabrielle sits silently, overwhelmed with all she's heard.
"You're an idiot, Gabrielle. And an ungrateful one at that. Yet she loves you. She stays with you. A life without you is not even a possibility for her. The Buxom Bard of Pottydeena has totally enraptured a Warrior Princess. Just the love every young girl dreams of. A greater fairy tale story couldn't have come true for you even if you wrote it yourself."

The fire crackles a bit, the dramatic flames dying off to a pile of embers producing a stable, long lasting heat. A lasting, deep warmth that comforts a soul as well as heats a body.

Gabrielle raises her eyes to meet her new friend's dark brown pools. Words try to form but she's struggling with emotion. Shakira breaks the troubled moment, points to her eyes, and says "Ojos."
"Ojos?"
"Spanish for 'eyes'. Our 'ojos' were in sync with each other. But what's funny Gabrielle, in some Spanish dialects, 'ojos' can also mean 'dreams.' I have 'eyes' with you. Xena looks, and has 'dreams' with you. 'Ojos.' Kind of funny. Something a bard could appreciate."
Gabrielle swallows back emotion and tears. "Shakira... Xena will be back in a few days. Will you teach me to tango? I'd like to dance for her. Singing and dancing aren't really my thing, but I'd like to try."
"You'll be fine. You're very athletic, Gabrielle, don't worry. I can teach you to shake your money maker. It would be my honor for the Buxom Bard of Pottydeena."

Two days later Xena wanders back to the village, haggard, hungry, and hot. Gabrielle rounds up nourishment and gets her cooled and rested. After a brief recovery period Gabrielle takes her to the orphanage. "You've got to see this dance, Xena, Shakira is stunning. And there's a bit of a surprise for you too."
After a few stories and Gabrielle making lots of jokes for the kids, she announces a special performance of the Objection Tango. Shakira and Gabrielle render an amazing performance. The whole village cheers loudly and showers them with praise. Xena is standing with Gabrielle, and the children swarm around Gabrielle, all asking her to put her mark on a scrap of paper or clothing or even skin. Xena is shoved aside and stepped on several times by excited kids, but she smiles and steps back, beaming at her Bard. Suddenly Gabrielle sees her off to the side and shoos the kids away. She clasps Xena's hand and says, "I'm no Shakira in the hips and ass department, but I tried my best for you, a sincere attempt. Shakira says 'Hips Don't Lie'."
Xena squeezes her hand. "To be honest, Gabrielle, I never even noticed her. I never stopped looking at you. You may as well have been dancing alone. And your hips were speaking some serious truth up there. Your 'Hips Don't Lie', believe me. My eyes saw nothing but you."
"Ojos," says Gabrielle. Xena gives her a quizzical look. Gabrielle continues, "Something Shakira taught me. Eyes. Ojos. In her language. Eyes are ojos."

Later the duo have said goodbye to their new friends, shared a meaningful hug with Shakira, and are packing for departure.
Xena asks, "Where to now do you think? Any ideas?"
"Lets find something evil and kill it. Give it a good ass kicking and then obliterate it's existence," Gabrielle replies.
"For real? That's your idea?" Xena says with a gleeful disbelief.
"Yeah. That's my idea, if it sits well with you."
"Hey... who am I to argue with the Buxom Bard of Pottydeena?"

The two share a big laugh, a quick hug and gather themselves to leave. "Yeah. Let's do something to make you happy," Gabrielle responds. They head off into the desert, into the future, into a life together.

Disclaimer: No hips were damaged in the making of this episode, though some may have gotten stiff while reading such a long post.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Brian,

Buxom bard...yes indeedy!

So many artists that start with an S. i hope to get an S entry in, too. Hard to pick just one.

Warrior...Princess...Thorogood

Be Careful What You Pray For


The Rock Star Army has encamped on a beach of the Aegean Sea. It's twilight, dinner has been eaten and preparations for settling in for the night are underway. At our duo's fireside the preparations include Xena cleaning the cooking pans and utensils. She is banging, scraping, and tossing the pieces around in a loud fashion. Each noise irritates Gabrielle more and more.

"Why do you do that?" she asks.
Xena makes a long, slow, scrape along a pan as if scratching a fingernail on a blackboard. After a minute, she finally looks up and says in sullen fashion, "What?"
"We agreed to take turns with dinner, and the dishes, it's fair." Gabrielle continues, "Yet each time you have to clean you do it with such noisy annoyance, practically sulking like a child the whole time. Why doesn't the big Warrior Princess just do the job? Why do you have pull this stuff? It won't work, you know."
"What won't work?" Xena asks.
"You act so annoyed you hope the sidekick will step in and say 'Never mind, I'll do it.' It won't work. I take my turn and now it's yours. This scene you create each time you do the dishes is just immature, Xena. It's pathetic. Just grow up and stop acting like it's beneath you."
"Well speaking of little acts, how long are you going to play the sidekick martyr? Will I be listening to how tough it is to be you the rest of my life? Of course, I'm only the commander of a Rock Star Army, perhaps I can't really appreciate how tough it is being a commander's partner. I spend the day breaking up fights, finding supplies and food, trying to inspire lazy-ass musicians and maintaining authority over a group famous for resisting it. Perhaps I'm too busy to realize how hard it must be to just sit and watch all that being done."
"Just sit and watch? I just sit and watch? That's all you think I do?" Gabrielle stands and stomps away. She calls over her shoulder, "Bitch!"
Xena jumps up and goes after her. "Look... that came out wrong. I don't think you do nothing but sit and watch. It just came out badly, that's not at all what I meant."
"Tell me how this sounds, because it's exactly what I mean to say... Bitch!" Gabrielle stomps off up the beach.
"By the gods... I wish just for a day she didn't have this sidekick complex and knew what it was like to be a commander. She might be more grateful for the life she has." Xena starts throwing pans and dishes around the campsite in anger. "By the grace of Athena... just one day would show her what's it like."

Athena, hearing her name invoked, smiles and thinks, "Let's see what it would be like."

Daylight has come and Xena awakes with a start. She's slept late, the camp is buzzing already. Joxer is nearby and sees her stirring.
"Better get up. The Boss is in a real mood today. She won't like you sleeping late," Joxer says.
"What are you talking about? What's going on?" Xena asks.
"Gabrielle has been kicking butt for a few hours now. She'll probably be hungry when she gets back, and breakfast hasn't even been started." Joxer puts down a bucket next to the fire. "I'd hate to have her hungry on top of being hard-assed."
"So what?" Xena says. "I'm supposed to jump like a servant for her?"
Joxer gives her a strange look. "Whatever. Just saying. I gotta go."
"Wait," Xena says. "Help me rub down Argo."
"Sorry. The Boss gave me something to do." Joxer runs off, ignoring her calls after him.

Some of the Rock Star Army comes over and starts packing equipment. Xena tells them to wait. "No way, we got orders. Talk to Gabrielle if you got a problem."
"I won't talk to Gabrielle. I'll tell you now to leave that stuff there." Xena stands and glares.
"You're real tall and scary and all that, but Gabrielle's the boss. Sorry." They grab the stuff and leave.

Gabrielle comes striding up the beach with George Thorogood and the Destroyers. "Xena... check out the new guys."
George sings "Move It On Over" and "Who Do You Love?" Gabrielle is obviously pleased with their hard edge sound.
"I'm putting them to the test right away. A warlord and his band have camped a ways up the beach. I'm going to run them off right now."
Xena sheaths her sword and hangs her chakram on her belt. "Now you're talking. Let's go."
Gabrielle grabs a handful of dark hair and yanks her back. "Got it covered. Stay and get some grub going, will you?" She shoulders past Xena and strides up the beach, everyone following her. Xena moves with them, trailing like a near-invisible dog.

The warlord comes out to meet them, along with his scraggly bunch. George Thorogood and his Destroyers start winding up some mean licks, then Gabby jumps out front and sings:

On the day I was born
Poteidaia gathered 'round
And they gazed in trepidation
At the Warrior they found
The midwife spoke up
Said "leave this one alone"
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone

Bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone

I slit a thousand throats
Before I met you
I'll slit a thousand more, baby
Before I am through
I'm gonna slice yours, ugly savage
You'll drop like a stone
I'm here to tell you thugs
That I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone

I can make rich people beg
I can make good people steal
I can make old women blush
I can make young girls squeal
All I want becomes mine pretty baby
Mine and mine alone
I'm here to tell ya meatheads
That I'm bad to the bone

Now when I walk through Greece
Kings and Queens step aside
All the enemies I meet
Have all suffered and died
I wanna tell ya pretty baby
The world I see I make my own
I'm here to tell ya honey
That I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone

The rendition is so fierce and Gabrielle so menacing the warlord and his sorry lot run off without a fight. Everyone is congratulating Gabrielle on her easy victory. No one notices Xena standing there, amazed at what's happened. The crowd heads back to camp and suddenly "Poof!" Xena finds herself at the top of a cliff overlooking the beach, staring down at the encampment. A voice from behind startles her.
"So what do you think?
Xena turns. "Athena! What's going on? What have you done?"
I granted your wish. A day for her and you to switch places. How's it going?"
"Like crap."
"What...Gabrielle being hard on you?" Athena asks.
"No. Not really. Yanking my hair was a bit rude." Xena has images flash through her mind of all the times she grabbed Gabrielle by the bodice, the hair, the skirt; of pulling, shoving, bumping and shouldering her out of the way. "I mean... it didn't hurt, it's just...kind of unnecessary."
"And...?" asks Athena.
"It's the way everyone else looks at me. Being treated like such an underling by everyone else, as if I'm just her servant girl. There's no respect."
"And has this given you anything to think about? Do you need more time in reverse? Or ready to go back to your original roles?" Athena asks.
"Trust me, I've had enough. Please put life back the way it was. There a few things that are gonna change."
Athena leans in close. "Then I'll impart this small part of wisdom you've earned."
She kisses Xena warmly on the lips, a golden glow encompasses them both, then settles into Xena's head.
Xena looks. "That was the wisdom? That's how it works?"
"No," giggles Athena. "I just always wanted to kiss you. But I didn't want to do it front of your partner."
Athena poofs into thin air and her echoing laughter fades off upward to the sky. Xena looks at the long trek downward.
"She could have at least helped me off the cliff," she mutters. Suddenly a huge gust of wind hits and Xena starts to fall over the precipice, barely clinging on and pulling herself back to safety.
A voice comes out of the clouds. "Careful what you pray for." Laughter rings off and leaves Xena standing.

Back in camp men approach and ask Xena for orders. "Ask Gabrielle," she tells them. "Whatever she wants." The rest of the day Gabrielle runs the Army and Xena makes clear with her demeanor how comfortable she is with the Bard running things. Gabrielle's confidence and competence become more apparent as the day goes on. The others soon fall in line with their attitudes, and the camp moves as smooth as a sundial's shadow.

Xena walks Gabrielle up the beach for a private moment. "I saw Athena today. She granted me some wisdom," Xena says.
"About what? what did she do? how does she impart wisdom?" Gabrielle's excited curiousity bubbles out of her.
Xena holds Gabrielle's face in her hands, looks longingly into her eyes, then slowly leans down and kisses the Bard, their lips lingering together, a devotion and tenderness passing between them.
"Xena," Gabrielle whispers.
"I learned today I should kiss you more often. Because you're amazing. Because you're my world." Xena grabs her hand and heads back to camp.

Disclaimer: No lips were damaged in the making of this episode.

Warrior...Princess...U2

The Rock Star Army is enjoying new arrivals. A lot of livestock has been acquired for food source, meaning the Army members take turns watching over flocks of sheep, cows and horses. A new band, from a land near Brittania has also joined the tour. They are U2, and their music has quickly become a favorite of Xena and Gabrielle.

Xena has volunteered herself and Gabrielle for a day of shepherd duty, which most of the Army resists doing because it's boring and isolated. Xena enjoys being away from the petty details of the Army and Gabrielle uses the time to write in her Scrolls. Today they have brought U2 with them, the band plays in the background while X & G watch the flocks and herds. At midday the two meet up to share a meal and sit with the band, giving them a break as well. Gabrielle and Xena are playing a game of Hangman on a scroll.

"You've guessed three letters Xena and they've all been wrong," Gabrielle says looking at her scrap of scroll.
Xena replies, "All of them?? Even the 'U', too?"
Upon hearing their cue, the band begins playing "Where The Streets Have No Name." Xena waves them off.
"Sorry. That wasn't a cue." She turns to Gabrielle. "The ragweed in this valley has got my nose irritated. Is it happening to you, too?"
Hearing their name, the band launches into "Mysterious Ways." Xena waves them off again. "Guys, you're on a break, remember?"

Just then a commotion among the sheep catches the attention of the would-be shepherds, and they spot two members of the Rock Star Army trying to grab one of the sheep. Xena hollers at them.
"Knock it off!! Let it go! Hey... you two!"
The band takes up the strains of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." With the music playing, Xena doesn't bother yelling she whips her chakram, which after bouncing off a rock and a ram's horn clunks both offenders in the head and knocks them cold. With a whoosh and one more ricochet off the drum set Xena snags her weapon and returns it to her belt.
"What's that about? What did those guys want with the sheep?" Gabrielle asks.
"These rock stars are so used to having groupies around, Army life is hard on them. They're desperate enough to go after the sheep now. Perhaps our next acquisition should be a large herd of groupies. I wouldn't mind except it's more mouths to feed."
"That's gross, Xena," says Gabrielle.
"What? Going after the sheep or a herd of groupies?" asks Xena.
"The sheep thing, obviously," answers Gabrielle, shaking her head over her friend's sense of humor. "Sounds as if you wouldn't mind having groupies around, eh Xena?"
"Like you wouldn't?" Xena's roguish look elicits a big blush from Gabrielle. "You would probably enjoy a harem of your own."
"Truth or dare, Xena. We've met a lot of people over the years. Who would be your first pick for your harem?"
Xena thinks for a bit. "Hard to say, really."
"You seem to have had your eye on that one Hestian virgin. Remember, the brunette with the perky breasts? Her name was Diabetes."
A smile of warm longing plays around Xena's lips, as she recalls the young woman. "She was fine to look at, but to be honest, that whole Hestian virgin purity thing was too goody-goody for me. That sweetness of Diabetes could make me sick, really. So... your turn. Who's your first pick? I remember you eyeballing one of King Gregor's advisers pretty hard."
"Hepatitis?" says Gabrielle. "Yeah, he had that rough sexy ugly look, but his devotion to his career would be a pain in the liver. Admit something, because I'll admit it now. Even though being Joxer's son made it weird, Virgil was a hunk. He had an effect on me, and I'm sure he had an effect on you, too."
The band kicks in to their funky hit "Trip Through Your Wires." Getting a bit exasperated, Xena cuts them off again. "I love your work ethic guys, but let's work on the communication, ok?"

As if playing out the thoughts of Xena and Gabrielle, down in the flock a ram is trying to mount a female. The two watch silently, viewing nature at work, and recollections racing through their minds.
"So..." Xena begins, "Seems like you wouldn't mind a ram of your own right now."
Gabrielle eyes her friend. "And you seem like you'd not only want a ram, but the ewe too."
The band begins playing "Desire," as if underscoring the conversation. Xena covers her face in exasperation, then gives the cue to knock it off. The two go back to watching the animal lust below. The ram has finally managed to get the ewe from squirming away, and seems ready to commence.
"The Greco wrestling referee has awarded a point to the ram, for gaining control," says Gabrielle in a sportscaster-type voice. "But wait, the ewe has escaped, and now has bitten the ram on the neck. A point for escape, a point for reversal!! That makes the score Ram: one, Ewe: Two."
The group starts playing "Desire" again.
"Oh for Zeus' sake will you give it a rest?!?" Xena screams. "If these guys weren't so good I'd kick their ass."
Gabrielle is amused at Xena's frustration. "Sounds like someone needs a little "to and fro" of her own, perhaps it's been too long for you."
A lusty smile grows on Xena's face. "Yeah. Too long. So am I the 'to' or the 'fro' in your mind?"
Gabrielle giggles. "I guess the would be 'me,fro' and 'you, to'."
The musicians begin playing "When Your Love Comes To Town."
"Let's just move away from here. I'm going to end up killing these guys and that would be a shame," Xena says. They move off along the valley. Walking in tandem, content to be silent together and enjoying the warm sunshine.

"Xena... I have to tell you something. I'm really scared." The look on the Bard's face lets Xena know she's serious. "We're up to Upsilon in this thread, which means there's only a few more episodes left. Season 7 is drawing to a close. And I'm quaking to my soul. If they cut off your head and make me pull down your bloody, naked, strung-up body once more I'd lose it. Honestly, I couldn't handle it. I'd be a candidate for the Furies." Tears well up in her eyes. Xena puts an arm around her friend, trying to find comforting words. She leans her head against Gabrielle's and gently strokes her hair. Gabrielle weeps a bit, then sniffles back tears and seems to collect herself.
"Sorry. I just had to say that out loud."
"No worries, friend." Xena squeezes her hand. "Perhaps you'll get lucky and they'll kill you this time instead."
Gabrielle smiles at her friend's sense of humor, the way she can make jokes about death with aplomb has always given her an odd comfort. "To be honest, Xena, for awhile I would have prayed for that. Selfishly of course, to spare myself that pain of losing you again. But recalling that anguish, that absolute horror of facing life without you, that tore me to the soul and I love you too much to wish that on you. I couldn't handle going through it again, but I'm devastated at the thought you might have to go through it this time. I'm so afraid I've considered just quitting before Zeta arrives."
"Maybe we'll both get killed. Or maybe we'll live. Maybe Season Eight would be the Season of Groupies. How about that?" Xena arches her eyebrows in comedic fashion. "Maybe a different Scroller will jump in and finish the thread before the regular jerk has us do something stupid. By the gods as long as this thread has been this doofus has used the same lame joke six times. 'U2.' You'd think someone else would write an episode just keep his dumb jokes off the board."
Gabrielle puts her head on Xena's shoulder. Silence weighs on between them for several minutes.

Xena breaks the silence with calm, determined tone, a resoluteness fashioned from a lifetime of Warrior experience.
"Once in my life I made a major decision to change who I was. Tore away a past and decided to start a new life not knowing how or what I would be, or even if I'd like it. Someone came into my life at that moment and showed me living for a Greater Good could be rewarding. And at moments when doing a bad thing for the right reason tempted me, her voice gave me guidance. And in the times I failed that principle, her grace forgave me and urged me to keep the effort. As years went by and life unfolded, I knew only three things for certain: The Greater Good is better than the other choices. Having a soulmate to share that path is the most rewarding part of my existence. The third thing I know for certain, is that nothing else besides the first two are certain. And it's supposed to be like that. What makes the effort worthy, what gives nobleness to the life, is that you fight the battles never really knowing the outcome. The risk is inherent to the life. I'll accept the risk, because of the certainty of living with the first two principles. It's courage that will change the world. Courage is the bedrock of our shared existence. Courage is what makes the two of us, and what makes our life together what it is."

The words sink in to Gabrielle. She wipes the tears away, straightens her leathers and pushes her hair back in place.
"Right. So the plan is clear." Gabrielle stands straight.
Xena rises next to her. "Right. The plan is clear." They proudly stand shoulder to shoulder, eyeing the beautiful valley and listening to U2 play "With or Without You." Xena says to her friend, and to the world:

"We Battle On. Together. As always. We Battle On."

The music swells and the credits roll.

Disclaimer: No Sheep, Cows, Horses or Donkeys were hurt in the making of this episode, though the Ass who writes it had his feelings hurt by Xena's sharp comments.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Brian,

Glad to see Brian keeping up the very good work!

Ame- are ya gonna do a Violent Femmes ep, hmmm?

i meant to do more by now but have been busy with other stuff. Hoping to get a White Stripes story once somebuddy does V.

Warrior...Princess...Van Halen

The Rock Star Army has been working hard, playing three day gigs in the big towns and playing one night only shows as they pass in between smaller towns and hamlets. Everyone's tired and finally enjoying a day off after four weeks of solid work. Xena and Gabrielle are sharing their first moment alone in quite a while, sitting in a warm Mediterranean sun talking about the future.

"So what next, do you think? What's going to happen to us?" Gabrielle asks.
"We've done well here in Attica, but it's time for a fresh audience. How about some island hopping in Ermoupoli? The area's beautiful but hiring the boats could be expensive. Maybe we should just sail to Crete and travel by foot there." Xena looks at Gabrielle's non-responsive expression. "Do you have something in mind? Any itinerary to follow?"
Gabrielle turns to Xena, and says quietly, "Sorry. I didn't mean the tour exactly. It's that end of season worry again. I don't want to lose you again, and I don't want you to suffer, and I don't want us to end up frozen or crucified."
Xena puts a hand on her shoulder. "I know it unsettles you, wondering how Season 7 will end. But it's out of our control. We'll face it, as we have everything else."
"Yup, we will," says Gabrielle, but without much conviction. "I'm taking a walk. Want to come?"
"Nope. Nap time for me." Xena squeezes her hand. Xena reconsiders the nap. She reaches out and strokes Gabrielle's hair. "Hey Beloved...are you ok? I'll walk with you if you need me to."
"Get some sleep, Xena. You deserve some nap time, and this is mine to deal with."

Xena stretches out and watches her great love walk through a meadow, wishing she could impart some comfort to her. She closes her eyes and says a silent prayer to Artemis, hoping the goddess will guide her friend through her turmoil. Xena starts to doze off, and begins to dream.

She and Gabrielle are back in Tara's town. A band named Van Halen is playing "Dancin' In The Streets" while Tara and the townsfolk are dancing in full force. The music ends and Tara runs to X & G, pulls them into the town square and gets them to boogie as Van Halen starts rocking out "Dance The Night Away." Xena starts to swing Gabrielle around and flips her in the air. As she comes down laughing Xena slips in some spilt wine in the street, and instead of catching her Gabrielle passes through her outstretched hands and smashes her head into the cobblestones. Her skull splits wide open and her brains spill out, cold lifeless eyes staring up to the sky.

"Waahhh oh!" Xena wakes with a start. She looks around anxiously, and sees Gabrielle standing off in the distance, chatting with some of the Canadian Brass. The sun is warm, the grass and meadow smell fresh and sweet. Xena shakes off the dream, and settles back in the grass. A few minutes later she's asleep again. This time her dreams take her back to Amphipolis.

A family reunion is going on, Cyrene, Eve, Leah, Joxer, Virgil, Meg and Minya enjoying good wine and the music of Van Halen in the tavern. The band is playing "Beautiful Girls" as a dedication to the wonderful females gathered. They segue into "Girl You Really Got Me Now" and Gabrielle is dancing atop one of the tables. Suddenly Ravenica the bounty hunter appears from nowhere and snatches Gabrielle's arm. In one swift motion she pulls Gabrielle off the table and plunges a long knife up through her sternum, the tip sticking out her back and blood spilling rapidly. Xena takes her chakram and decapitates Ravenica, then turns to look at Gabrielle. She's lying face up in a massive pool of blood, drained white, and obviously dead.

"Shheeee... it" Xena bolts upright, breathing rapidly, heart pounding through her chest. She stands and sees Gabrielle still chatting, sitting in the meadow. The Warrior Princess takes a long swig of wine, wipes her brow and rolls on her stomach. Her nerves settle eventually and she naps again, and the dream comes.

Gabrielle and Xena are in Ithaca. Ulysses and Penelope are having an anniversary party with all the residents, abundant food adorning the tables and wine flowing constantly. Van Halen is entertaining the masses with "Top of the World" and "Panama." Laughter, sunshine and joyousness are everywhere, and Van Halen gets the crowd rocking when they start playing "Jump." The whole crowd catches on to the lyrics and when the line "might as well Jump!" comes around they all leap in the air, whooping it up.
"Hey Xena!!" yells Gabrielle. Xena turns back and sees Gabrielle standing with a young woman. She realizes it's Hope.
Gabrielle grabs Hope and cries, "Might as well Jump!" She leaps into a dark abyss and falls away to nothingness. Xena leaps after her into the void then suddenly finds herself lying on steaming rocks, surrounded by fire and demons. The demons are Van Halen, playing "Running With The Devil." Gabrielle and Hope are hissing mocking laughing at Xena, telling her how pathetic she is for leaping into Hell.

"By the gods..." Xena awakes and rolls over, leaps to her feet, gasping for air. Gabrielle is staring at her dumbfounded. Xena is tense, wide-eyed, her chest heaving and face flushed.
"Xena?" Gabrielle stands and hugs her friend. "Xena, I'm here."
Gabrielle lays her face against the Warrior's chest, entwines her arms about her waist and hugs tightly. "You must have been dreaming."
Xena stands still, allowing the Bard to press her strong firm body against her. After a few moments Xena puts a hand on the back of Gabrielle's head, the other clutching her waist so she won't pull away. Her cheek is pressed against the smooth blonde hair of the shorter woman. The two stand in silence for several minutes.

"I was wrong." Xena finally says.
"About what?" asks Gabrielle.
"I said it's out of our hands, that there's nothing we can do about the end of the season. I think there is. I'm the one always preaching to people they can make their own destiny. None of us has to stand around and wait for The Fates to dole out our future. I forgot my own advice, until now. I'll need your help, and I'll need you to trust me. And we'll need an Olympian. What do you say? Up for a mission?"
Gabrielle gazes into the eyes of her strong, confident Warrior and says, "Always. With you, always. What's the plan?"
Xena turns and walks with Gabrielle, arm around her shoulder. "Let's just say the "W" episode is going to produce some answers for everyone."

The two walk on, music swells and a graphic appears "To Be Continued."

Disclaimer: No real Gabrielles were harmed in the making of this episode.

Xena...Warrior...White Stripes

Xena & Gabrielle were enjoying lunch in Athens' Hotel Yorba cafe, when a stranger approached their table. "My name is Jack White. Please, you must help me. The Big Three Have either Killed or kidnapped My Baby. Her name is Meg."

X&G exchanged glances dramatically. "Meg is your honey? Barfly Meg? But she loves Joxer." Gabby told him.

"Meg White. My wife, er sister, no wife, um..."

X&G exchanged glances comically. "Are you from the Arkansas province of Greece?" Xena chuckled.

"No! It was a publicity thing. She's my ex-wife, not my sister. But I still like her, she's the drummer in one of my bands, & she's been taken by Callisto, Alti & Caesar. Can you get your Seven Nation Army together & get her back for me?"

X&G exchanged glances melodramatically. "Those 3 joining forces?" Xena snarled. "I'll make sure they end up below the Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground!"
...

"I Think I Smell a Rat" said Caesar. "This Meg person Callisto grabbed looks nothing like Xena."

"Whatever!" exclaims Alti, "I'll conjure a spell to change her face to look like Xena."

"Look, you told me to grab Meg, I grabbed Meg, I was never told which Meg. Take, Take, Take is what I did. Figures I was Wasting My Time joining you two clowns." snickered Callisto.

The big three kept arguing. The plan was to capture Meg, crucify her, convince everyone it was Xena, make the people of Greece think Chin & Britannia did this to Xena, then declare war on those lands with Caesar in charge, and Alti & Callisto to share command over certain regions (if they could trust one another). And when the real Xena appears, well, Ares had promised to send her through a vortex to a strange land called Atlantis off the coast of Gaul, provided Greece did war with Chin & Britannia.

But Truth Doesn't Make a Noise, it crashes- as Joxer the Mighty just did, into the cave where Meg was being held captive.
...

On the road to where Meg was being held captive: "Xena hasn't heard the Stripes but I have," Gabby told Jack. "But why 3 bands? The Raconteurs, the Dead Weather & the Stripes?"

"I have this thing about the number 3. It's why when Hercules & Ephiny asked to join us, I had to say no. Then there would be five of us."

Xena sneared something about obsessive/compulsive at this. "Well there's only two of us fighting the big 3 & if you count you as a warrior, you're dancin The Denial Twist."
...

Joxer was pissed. First he has to come to terms that Gabby will never be his. Now Xena's deadliest enemies had captured his Meg for whatever reason he didn't know. Joxer once heard a White Stripes song, "I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)". He knew he'd die fighting for Meg as he couldn't live without her.

"Arrrrrgggghhhh! Meg I'm her to save you!" Joxer charged into the cave but froze upon seeing Callisto & Alti & Caesar oh my! But Joxer had, as the song said, "Fell in Love with a Girl", so he thought to himself, "What would Xena do?"

As the big 3 snarled at him, Joxer threw his dagger into Caesar's gut; tossed his chest plate at the cave ceiling which sent boulders on top of Callisto (made mortal only recently), and tossed a pail of water onto Alti who started melting, whining as she dissolved. Joxer saw what he'd done- and fainted

When he came to, a dark haired lady approached him. "Thank you, kind sir, for rescuing me. I am Meg White."

Joxer was dumbfounded. Usually he was only the first half of that. This wasn't his Meg. But she was fetching (more than Pretty Good Looking (For a Girl) & she was clinging to him.

"Joxer the Mighty at your service." Then he started singing his Joxer theme song to her.

"That's cute!" Then she sang "We're Going to Be Friends" to him, ending with the verse,

"Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about Joxer the Mighty warrior man
he's the one and I'm his biggest fan
and he and I will walk together again
cause I can tell that we're going to be friends"

It was then that X&G&J entered the cave. "By the gods, Xena, did Joxer kill them? He couldn't have!?! H-he's J-Joxer!"

"You Don't Know What Love Is" Jack interrupted. "This Joxer person confused the Megs. Love is a Seven Nation Army and Joxer conquered the big 3."

Joxer soon joined the White Stripes as it's 3rd member, playing the lute. He & Meg (White) were married & they didn't have to pretend to be brother & sister.
...

Disclaimer: Though there were no "Bone Broke" by any of the heroes in the episode, Meg the trollop did have a broken heart upon hearing Joxer had married the other Meg.

XC,

I loved your White Stripes effort. I'm only vaguely familiar with them but it was so well written I had no trouble following the references.

As a matter of fact, since I needed to post a "W" episode as the conclusion to Van Halen, I'm going to use them as well, if you don't mind. Originally it was going to be The Who, but I just wasn't too psyched up for it. Your White Stripes got my muse going.

I hope you'll consider it an homage and not a ripoff.

quote:

Originally posted by Brian:
XC,

I loved your White Stripes effort. I'm only vaguely familiar with them but it was so well written I had no trouble following the references.

As a matter of fact, since I needed to post a "W" episode as the conclusion to Van Halen, I'm going to use them as well, if you don't mind. Originally it was going to be The Who, but I just wasn't too psyched up for it. Your White Stripes got my muse going.

I hope you'll consider it an homage and not a ripoff.

Sure! The more Stripes the merrier. btw Meg White is also an xc wife so please go gentle with her.

(Previously on W...P...Rock Star
"I'm the one always preaching to people they can make their own destiny. None of us has to stand around and wait for The Fates to dole out our future. I forgot my own advice, until now. I'll need your help, and I'll need you to trust me. And we'll need an Olympian. What do you say? Up for a mission?"
Gabrielle gazes into the eyes of her strong, confident Warrior and says, "Always. With you, always. What's the plan?"
Xena turns and walks with Gabrielle, arm around her shoulder. "Let's just say the "W" episode is going to produce some answers for everyone.")

Battle On, Xena!!!


Warrior...Princess...White Stripes

"So what's the plan?" Gabrielle asks.
"We're going to pay a visit to TPTB," answers Xena.
"Who?"
"TPTB. The Powers That Be. Go straight to the source and make our own fate. We're going to need an Olympian to bend time and space for us. And we'll need a cooperative one, we don't have time to trick one into it. I need you to make a special plea to Aphrodite," says Xena.
"I'll do that. But why me? She'll listen to you," replies Gabrielle.
"I think it will mean more coming from you. She's got a real soft spot for you. During all the time we've known her, she's never tried to kiss me. She planted a big one on you, remember?" Xena says with a teasing smile.
"She was under Caligula's spell," says Gabrielle, blushing a bit at the memory. "C'mon. You're the hottest of hotties in Greece. If anyone's going to be kissed it will be you."
"Don't underestimate yourself, Gabrielle. Your charm, your looks, your talent for writing... there are throngs of people who are totally enraptured by you." Xena leans close to the Bard. "And don't forget... you got the so-called Hottest of Hotties in Greece to choose you to spend a lifetime with. There must be a reason for that, right?" Xena pinches Gabrielle on the butt.
"Let's get back to the plan," Gabrielle says with a giggle while squirming away from Xena's grope.

Gabrielle makes an impassioned plea for Aphrodite to hear their call, and to aid their cause. With a poof our duo is transported to Olympus, guests in Aphrodite's Temple of Love. The Love Goddess is on her throne, being entertained by a musical duo.

"Hey Sweets!!!" she exclaims enthusiastically. Aphrodite climbs down from her throne and gives Xena a hug, turns to Gabrielle and hugs her as well. While hugging Gabrielle she draws her tongue salaciously along her ear. "What's shaking with my coolio posse?"
Xena grins at her Bard. "I told you."
Gabrielle stands with her arm around Aphrodite's waist. "Xena and I are on a mission. We were hoping if you weren't busy, you'd like to watch us in action. It's been a while since we hung out." She eyes the two musicians. "Is there a place we can talk alone?"
"These are the White Stripes. You can talk in front of them," says Aprhodite.
"My name's Jack," says the male. "This is my sister Meg."
"Hello," says Meg. "Jack and I got divorced last year, since then we've been playing for Aphrodite."
"You married your brother? You must be an Olympian," says Xena.
"We're not Olympians. We're not brother and sister either, it was just a story Jack concocted."
The duet begans playing "Seven Nation Army" in honor of the Rock Star brigade.
"I'd love to help," says the Goddess. Her hand starts to slip dangerously low on Gabrielle's hip. "Where are we going?"
The White Stripes switch to playing "Fell In Love With A Girl."
Gabrielle pulls her hand back up. "It's not where, it's when. We're confronting a power from the future. The plot would speed along if you zapped him here for us. Do that bending of time/space thing."
"So you need a favor," says the Goddess. The band begans playing "I Think I Smell A Rat." Aphrodite puts on a big pout. "I thought you wanted to hang out, and here you just needed me to pull a few Fate thread strings for you."
Xena steps up. "Yeah, you busted us on that one, Aphrodite." The White Stripes begin playing "The Truth Doesn't Make A Noise." Xena continues, "You're the only Olympian I'm willing to be indebted with, because I trust you not to make us do anything evil or tragic or distasteful. We really need your help with this one."
"And you will be indebted, my Tall, Dark, and Handsome Sweetness, don't think I'll forget it. I won't bring your nemesis from the future here. I'll take you to him though."

With a big poof, flash, and a cheesy-looking special effect wavering of the screen they are all standing in front of a doorway. A lighted button is next to the door. The White Stripes play "My Doorbell."
"Push that," orders Aphrodite. Xena does, the door opens, and Brian is standing there.
"Come in, beautiful ones. It's great to see you up close," he says as they all enter his living room.
"You don't seem surprised to see us," comments Xena with wariness.
"I'm writing this, remember. This was my plan before it was yours, Xena. TPTB, remember?" comments Brian.
"So you really can control what's going to happen?" asks Gabrielle.

Brian turns to the computer in his living room and clicks several keystrokes into the keyboard. Suddenly all his guests are topless.
Gabrielle walks over and punches him forcefully in the head, he falls off the chair onto the floor. The musicians began to play "Bone Broke." Brian returns to the chair, keystrokes for a moment, and they all return to their previous modes of dress.

"Oh great," says Gabrielle. "Here I was worried we'd get tortured or killed or locked in a tomb or something, and instead of sadistic this guy's a perv. Xena he's going to have us do something like gangbang a Roman legion or deflower all the Hestian virgins."
Xena makes a "mmmm" sound in her throat and sees Gabrielle shooting her a furious look. "What? I swallowed wrong and something caught in my throat. It had nothing to do with deflowering Hestian virgins."
Aphrodite steps in. "Look, homeboy, enough of the topless shenanigans and what not. Let's just get to the salient points, ok?"
Brian replies, "Speaking of salient points, both Xena and Gabrielle were totally focused on your nipples when I made you topless. Did you notice?"
"Really?" She turns to Gabrielle. "I'm so totally rosy-eyed flattered."
The band plays The Denial Twist. Gabrielle fakes a slight cough, averts her eyes from Aphrodite and quickly changes the subject. She turns to Brian.
"Look. The salient points are these: are you going to kill us at the end of the season? or one of us? or entomb us in ice or lava? or torture us in some way?"
"No," says Brian.
"And no pervy scenarios?" asks Xena.
"Of course not, " he replies.
"And no X-rated, steamy, sweaty, passion-fueled consummation of our love beside a romantic fireside? With Gabrielle and I entwined in a meaningful, tender, naked, loving embrace?" asks Xena with a breathless anticipation.
"Sorry to disappoint you, Princess, but no, not even that." Brian replies. Xena tries to hide her crest-fallen expression.
"Hey the subtext was fun and provided for some tingly moments, but I applauded the effort to keep it secondary. You were two people who challenged the Gods, who defied Caesar, who fought to protect and support those who couldn't protect themselves, two people who lost family and children and suffered brutally, all the while carried onward by the idea of serving The Greater Good. To push all that to the background just to peek at what you did or didn't do by the campfire during the dark night would have been a betrayal to the real message of Xena... that courage can change the world."
"Xena, there was a time I had wallowed into darkness, engaged in all the wrong things, and I had to make a stark change to reshape my own life. I didn't know what was in store for me, or even if I could do it. But I did, though always followed and at times tormented by ghosts of my previous wrongs. It was nice to see a tv show for an hour each week that reminded me that 'courage can change the world.'"
Meg chimes in, "So are you one of us who were totally outraged at the treatment of our Hero in 'Friend in Need.'?"
"Actually, no. I'm one of the few who thought a Warrior's demise was the perfect ending for a Warrior's tale. And what's more, I thought it was incredibly gutsy on Rob Tapert's part, a brave choice worthy of the series, of making XWP different from other fare." Brian replies. "But it was heart wrenching. To witness some of that was difficult. It's one of the few episodes I don't watch over and over, not because it was bad like 'Back in The Bottle', but because it's emotionally tough. The series ended years ago and I still shy away from watching FIN. It was a courageous choice though. And it was a very meaningful series for me, so an emotion-filled ending was appropriate."

The White Stripes play "We're Going To Be Friends." Xena and Gabrielle are whispering to one another, Aphrodite is admiring her musicians. Brian's dog wanders over and licks Gabrielle's foot.
"Cute doggy," she says. "What's her name?"
"Callisto," Brian answers.
This sets them all to chuckling. The visitors all seem relieved, and the laughter comes easily.
"So the ending won't be sad or brutal?" asks The Bard.
"No. It's to the point in the plot where a contented ending will be a twist," Brian promises. "And with all the inspiration and joy you've given to the world, the two of you deserve some health and happiness."
"Mission accomplished," says Gabrielle. "Time for us to head for Greece."
"Aphrodite, if you want to send them back and hang around with me for awhile, we could discuss their payback to you. We could relax, get comfy, maybe get to know one another," Brian says hopefully.
The White Stripes play "I'm Lonely, But Not That Lonely."
"Yeah, sure, that could happen. And harpies might fly out my butt too." Aphrodite waves her arms and all are transported back to her temple on Olympus. Meg and Jack break into the song "You Don't Know What Love Is."
"I'll see you two soon." Aphrodite snaps her fingers, and X & G are suddenly standing back in the camp of The Rock Star Army.

"I feel so much better now Xena. Brian seemed like an old doofus dorky-type, and he writes really bad jokes, but I think he was sincere. I think he'll keep his word. We're finally going to have a happy ending," Gabrielle says.
"Thanks to you, Gabrielle," Xena answers. "When you slugged him for making us topless, I think he realized even with power to write what he wanted, we could show up with Aphrodite and kick his sorry ass."
"Speaking of topless... tell the truth, Xena. Were your eyes really riveted on Aphrodite's nipples?" Gabrielle says with a trace of jealousy.
"Interesting question. Interesting because you don't know what I was looking at. Interesting you don't know because while I was looking at you, you were staring at Aphrodite. With rapt attention no less."
"You're not getting away with that. You weren't staring at me," says Gabrielle, as they start to walk off together. "You're not deflecting out of this one."
"Well you look greatly relieved. The old spring is back in your step," says Xena.
"I do feel ten pounds lighter, I must admit," says Gabrielle.
"And you look ten pounds lighter, very sexy and spry," Xena pinches her butt.
"So what?? Are you saying I needed to lose ten pounds to look sexy and spry??" Gabrielle huffs. "Not everyone has a figure like Aphrodite you know, we come in all shapes."
"You look great." says Xena.
"Sure, now that I look ten pounds lighter right? Now I'm suddenly 'sexy' and 'spry'. I don't ever recall you using those words to describe me before," Gabrielle pouts.
"Hey, you've always looked great. Before and after the ten pounds," Xena explains.
"So!!?!... you admit to liking me ten pounds lighter. What else have you been thinking and keeping to yourself?"

The bickering continues as the two walk off together, and the scene fades away.

Disclaimer: No old doofus dorky sorry-assed Scrollers were hurt in the making of this episode.

Read this yesterday & was gonna respond but fergot. Good story, Brian, and great use of the Stripes. i been fiddlin with an X story & hopin to get over sore throat to finish it.

Warrior...Princess...Xena

A sunny Macedonian afternoon, townspeople are crowding a small amphitheater stage, all pressing forward to get a better view of Xena. She is sitting on a soft chair across from Autolycus, in front of a big banner that says Thessalonki Entertainment Today!! Theatrical minions are scurrying about getting last minute details in place. Finally a ram's horn blows, signaling the start of the show.

"Welcome to Thessaloniki Entertainment Today. I'm welcoming an old, dear friend to my show, a woman beloved all over Greece and the Middle East. Please welcome Xena Warrior Princess, Rock Star!!!" says Autolycus. The crowd applauds and several cheers come from the assembled mass. Xena waves to the crowd, the cheering gets louder and she's forced to acknowledge it with a bow and several waves. Finally the crowd settles down, Xena sits again, and Autolycus kisses her extended hand.
"Great to see you again, Xena."
"Great to see you Autolycus, I never thought I'd see you doing honest work," Xena says. The crowd chortles and Autolycus chuckles.
"Well one of the local judges convinced me this was a better alternative to what he had in mind. 'Community Service' is how he put it. Let's talk about the Rock Star Army. This has been a very different season for you Xena. Very little violence, hardly any killing, and not nearly enough nudity," Auto says. The crowd cheers in agreement with this. "But there has been music, and lots of it. Tell us your impressions of this latest season."
"The music has been a blast. Not just singing and playing, but being around so many creative people all the time, being part of their writing and composing. And they are party animals, no doubt about that. It's difficult keeping an Army like that supplied with grog." Xena grins at the crowd. The audience hoots at the remark.
"Don't you miss the fights? the adrenaline of battle and the challenge of staying alive from day to day?"
"Not so much. And it's not like I'm a complete sissy, I did knock a few heads around." Xena's comment is followed by re-enactments of Xena fighting Aerosmith to take over their band, of trouncing Ballista, Callisto and Draco, and wraps up with a snippet from the dream sequence where Xena decapitated Ravenica. "I don't think I've lost my touch."

"We're going to take a short break and we'll be right back with our sexy eXy, Xena" says Autolycus. Jugglers race to center stage and began throwing chakram-looking rings to amuse the crowd. While the break is going on, Gabrielle comes on stage and is placed next to Xena. The jugglers wind up their business and move off.

"Welcome back! Joining us now is Xena's longtime partner in do-gooding, Gabrielle, the Battling Bard of Poteidaia. The audience claps ardently, whistles and cheers inudate the stage. "Gabrielle... tell us your impressions of this past set of episodes."
"I was thrilled to be around such a creative crowd. Xena encourages my writing and has always been a great support, but these musicians were people I could really get into the muse with, so to speak, the real nitty gritty details of dotting Iotas and crossing Taus when trying to get a phrase just right. There's no substitute for that daily elbow-to-elbow, quill-by-quill kind of partnership," says Gabrielle.
"Wow," answers Autolycus. "I remember when there was nothing for you but being with Xena, when nothing but an adventure with the Warrior Princess seemed to interest you. Is she in danger of being replaced by a Rock Star Army?"
"No way, that's laughable to even consider." Gabrielle puts her hand on Xena's arm. "No one could replace this one in my life. I think it's just been healthy for both of us to have so many others around, who challenge us and engross us and fire up the creative juices."
Xena chimes in, "And Gabrielle has had the chance to show the world what hot stuff she is. It's been terrific watching her shine in the spotlight."
More re-enactments play of Gabrielle facing down a warlord while singing "Bad To The Bone" in W...P...Thorogood, the sultry duet with Xena "I Got You Babe" from W...P...Chrissy Hynde, "She Taught Me to 'Fight This Way'" from W...P...Aerosmith, her athletic 'Staff!' dance from W...P...Isaac Hayes, then is concluded with Gabrielle's hot dance numbers, the Conga in W...P...Gloria Estefan and the sizzling Objection Tango from W...P...Shakira. When the re-enactment concludes, the crowd is on their feet and roaring great approval, bravos cascading in waves over the stage. Autolycus shouts, "We'll be back after a word from Salmoneous' Sweet Syrups!"
Acrobats come out, harem-dressed girls race about giving free samples of the sweet syrup, while Salmoneous describes the healthy effects garnered from drinking his concoction.

Behind the commercial, Gabrielle turns to Xena and asks, "What's this about? What the Tartarus is this episode supposed to be?"
"Clip show," Xena answers. "Not a real episode, a kind of replay from different shows this season. Stuff that's already been done is re-hashed and replayed so there's no real work to do."
"By Nike's boots, why do we need this kind of crap? Why can't we have a real adventure?" Gabrielle is miffed.
"We've done it every season. Usually it's because I wanted some time off, or I broke my hip, or was having a baby or something. It's a way of having a week off without violating a contract by not delivering product. Once we did it just so we'd have time to do the extra work of 'The Bitter Suite.'"
"And what's the excuse this time? Why am I enduring this silliness now?" Gabrielle inquiries.
"There are no rock stars that began with 'X'. So by making me the rock star, it fills the letter and we get to pretty much sit on our butts and collect the paycheck." Xena reaches out and tweak's Gabrielle's lip, forming it into a pouting expression. "Whaaaaat, does my big bad Battling Bard need the thrill of adventure?"
Gabrielle smacks her hand away and pinches her elbow just below the arm cuff. Xena snakes her arm around Gabrielle's bicep and lifts in a defensive move that puts pressure back on Gabrielle's shoulder. In response Gabrielle spins forward and gets a grip on the edge of Xena's breastplate armor and pulls. Just then the acrobats run off the stage, the signs for Salmoneous Syrup move to the wings and the crowd sees Gabrielle and Xena leaning into one another, arms entwining, heads together. They hoot and make suggestive catcalls, mistaking the tiff for a sexual grope.
"Ladies! Ladies! Save that for the campfire will you?" Autolycus cries. He smirks towards the crowd and twists his moustache, "I know I bring out the desire in both of you, but please contain yourselves for the sake of the children here today."
Both Xena and Gabrielle look daggers at Auto while the crowd starts catcalling again.
"Even Morpheus couldn't make that dream come true for you," says Xena, setting the crowd to howling laughter at Autolycus's expense. He decides to carry on.

"So, there were some exotic locales for you this season. Tell us about the places you've been," he queries.
"I loved Venice, riding in gondolas and such, but I prefer riding Argo. And New Orleans was terrific. Even Najara couldn't spoil my appetite for that great Cajun cuisine," Xena says. Re-enactmens play from W...P...Fats Domino and "W...P...Rupaul/Ray Charles.
Gabrielle speaks up. "Sailing to Egypt was a magnificent voyage, and meeting Shakira in North Africa will be a lifetime memory for me. But I have to say Bopmonia, with it's magnificent sand beaches and beautiful seas was a sight to behold." More episode recreations play from W...P...Norah Jones, Shakira, and B-52s.
"You of course had to deal with Gods and warlords and the usual assortment of baddies, but you did experience something unusual this season." Autolycus turns to the crowd. "Xena and Gabrielle went to the future. Twice."
Big murmurs spread through the crowd, with a few stray voices calling out with questions.
"Obviously everyone's curious about that." He turns to audience. "Wouldn't you want to hear about W...P...Lucy Lawless?? Please fill us in about that."
"Well," Xena begins, "that was a very tricky bit of business, we-"
"Actually we've been there before," Gabrielle interrupts. "That was just a blatant rip off of 'Send In the Clones.' The only real difference this time was there was long legged cross eyed singer with a horrible dye-job trying to imitate Xena. She was a pathetic singer, downright laughable." A recreation is done from Send In the Clones, and one from W...P...Lucy Lawless showing a performance by Xena's doppleganger The Flawless One.
Xena says, "I don't think she sings badly at all, and she looks great to me."
Gabrielle retorts, "Oh who said that scag could sing? She couldn't compare to my Warrior Princess."
Gabrielle pats Xena's leg in an affectionate manner, but what the crowd cannot see is she's really pinching a good chunk of skin between her nails.
"Ah you're sweet, it warms my heart to hear that," Xena puts a hand behind Gabrielle's head in a caressing manner, but out of sight of the crowd she's yanking several stands of hair to the breaking point.
"You actually confronted one of The Powers That Be, dared to wrangle Destiny away from The Fates and seize your own future. Carpe Posterus! eh?" Autolycus's joke falls flat because the Thracian populous doesn't speak Latin, and they have never heard "Carpe Diem!" anyway. He continues quickly, "Tell us about when you met Brian in the future during W...P...White Stripes."
A clip plays of Xena ringing the doorbell by Brian's front door while the White Stripes played "My Doorbell." The clip then goes to Gabrielle swinging a mean fist into the side of Brian's head and knocking him to the floor, with "Bone Break" being supplied by Meg and Jack White.
"Yep, I rung his bell, just gave it a strong poke, like this," Xena punctuates her comment by poking Gabrielle in the breast.
"Yep, and I rung his bell inside, like this," Gabrielle punctuates her comment by slugging Xena in the arm just below the shoulder plate.
"And I have to say Autolycus, she's finally learned a passable punch, not just flail like the wussy farm girl she was a few short years ago. I've taught her the value of planting your feet." Xena stands up to demonstrate stepping forward to punch, but the crowd doesn't notice her back foot is firmly planted on top of Gabrielle's toe. As she pantomines swinging her punch back and forth she is grinding her back heel into the Bard's big toe.
Gabrielle stands to get her toes out from the Warrior's boot. She puts an arm around Xena's waist. "Yes, I can't count all the combat lessons that Xena's given me. She's the greatest teacher anyone could ask for." Gabrielle's hand slips from Xena's waist, slips quickly under the back of her skirt and grabs the edges of her bodice and twists, giving Xena a serious wedgie.

"Stick around, we've got a special surprise for you. We'll be right back," Autolycus informs the crowd. Once again a mass of entertainers and banners and flags fill the stage, promoting several different products.
Xena un-wedges her bottom, and says, "Oh, you're just soooooooo cute aren't you?"
Gabrielle is laughing. "You started it, Warrior Harpy, tweaking my lip and taunting. How's it feel to be bested in front of a huge crowd?"
"Who says it's over?" Xena says ominously.
"Truce, Xena, please. Truce until the show's over. Then we'll start again."
"I still owe you for putting fish guts in my breast plate the other day. My tits still smell like trout."
"Don't I know it, Xena. That gag had a backlash for me too. I didn't think that all the way through." The Bard giggles uncontrollably. "That odor doesn't do much for me either."
"Truce until the shows over," Xena says. Just then the clamor and clutter and clowns head off stage and once more Autolycus is sitting with his two guests.

"I promised a special treat. Our two guests are going to regale us in song. My favorite duo in a duet. What's in store for us, ladies?" Auto asks. "Which song from the past season will we get to hear?"
"Actually, this is not from this season. It's a song we've never sung for anyone, until tonight. This will be our first performance of this number," Xena explains.
Gabrielle adds, "This is the first song Xena and I have ever written together. It means a lot to us, we're very pleased with it and we hope you will be too."

The two rise and move down center stage, and begin their special number.
(To the tune of "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan)

Xena begins:

Spent so much time waiting
for my second chance
for a Love that would make it okay
there's always dark reasons
to feel not good enough
it was hard at the end of the day
I need my redemption
a spiritual release
memories haunted my dreams
I felt so empty oh
and useless then one day
I found my peace at last

Like the arms of my angel
Gabrielle was there
No more dark cold existence
and the endlessness that I feared
I was pulled from the wreckage
by her loving reverence
I'm in the arms of my angel
And I find my comfort there

Gabrielle sings:

So tired of the small town
and everyday was drudge
Farming and chores ached my back
and my soul kept on twisting
I kept on building the lie
Could I make up for all that life lacks
it don't make no difference
escape came one last time
it's easier to believe in this strong Warrior oh
this glorious Princess that brought me to believe

Like the arms of my angel
Xena came to me
from the stark cold existence
and the endlessness that I feared
I was pulled from the dullness
by my gallant Warrior
I'm in the arms of my angel
And I have found my comfort there

Both stand together, arms around each others waist, and finish together:

We're in the arms of the angel
And we find our comfort here

The song ends to tumultuous applause, the pair bow several times then walk hand and hand offstage. In the wings, they hug, exchange a quick kiss, and look at one another while the stagehands gather offering praise and congratulations.
Xena says, "The show's over. Let's go home." She places a hand gently on The Bard's cheek.
Gabrielle answers, "The show's over. Let's go home." She runs her hand through the Warrior's jet black hair, pulling her close for another hug.
"They are screaming for a curtain call!!! Are you deaf???" Autolycus is urging them back onstage for more bows. The two run out, take a dozen bows, have flowers thrown at their feet and are showered with whistles and cheers. Xena is immensely pleased, and beams at Gabrielle, because she knows her soulmate has no idea that when Xena put her hand on her cheek she left a big red blob of greasepaint. Gabrielle is beaming too, outrageously tickled by the performance, the grand applause, and feeling clever because Xena has no idea when Gabrielle stroked her hair she left a long yellow streak of greasepaint. The two stand bathing in the adoration of the crowd. They take a final bow and walk happily offstage, one with a red hand print on her face, the other with a yellow slash in her hair, and both draped in the arms of an unseen angel.


Disclaimer: Neither Xena nor Gabrielle were harmed in the making of this episode.

Xena...Warrior...X

Xena was off checking on a pal in distress, leaving Gabrielle in Amphipolis at Cyrene's Inn. Gabby decided to sweep & rearrange the stock room. She stumbled upon some old items: scrolls from school, bearing grades & assignments from Lyceus, Toris & Xena.

"Hmmm Xena can't spell her own name? 'Ena'? How lazy! I'm surprised she wasn't graded off for this. She must have done this out of rebellion."

Cyrene overheard this. "Oh that's not the case. Didn't she tell you about her name change?" But Gabby only raised an inquisitive eyebrow to Cyrene's inquiry. "Oh my. I guess my daughter left that part out."

"Tell me, Cyrene, what's this about her name change?"

"Atrius & I named her Ena, after my aunt, who had supported us when we first married. But Xena never liked the name. Kids always emphasized the 'e' & called her Eeeeeenah", to which Gabby giggled in delight, having something new to hold over the warrior princess' head.

Cyrene continued, "Then they came to town. X..."

((((((Flashback))))))))

"Ena! Get ready if you're going", said Lyceus. " "Toris & I want to see X now!."

Ena combed her dark hair & with a whoosh was out the door. "I'm a-comin', ya mangy mutt." stated the pre-teen. "Race ya to the mosh pit!"

X was the top punk band from Los Angelthens, a city in far west Greece. Ena & Toris sang "Johny Hit and Run Pauline" on the way to the show. They loved the punk fever & the underlying rockabilly-cowpunk theme in X's music but knew little about the band.

"Hey, who's that chick up ahead?" Ena asked. "She's odd but awesome."

Ah, the young Exene Cervenka looked like a warrior. Flanked by John Doe on bass, Billy Zoom on lead guitar and drummer DJ Bonebrake, they made a legendary sight. But where were their equipment & those legendary instruments?

"Stolen" John Doe told them. "Some thief took it all, even our stage! Who could do such a thing?"

Ena had an idea. "Bros, gather round me. Got a thoughtsie here."
...

Autolycus wondered how he'd fence this musical stuff. Maybe the Sex Pistols or Tom Petty would buy it. He rubbed a finger over the shadow of his peach-fuzz mustache- he was the boy prince of thieves.

"Give it up, Otto Clud!" burst Ena on the scene. "Or me & my bros gonna steal yer breath away!"

Ena knew Auto was the school thief, kicked out for robbing kids' lockers. She also knew his hideout as she was a great tracker & he had yet to learn to cover his trail.

"Poopy offspring of Cyrene!" cried Auto. "You tavern owner kids think you run the whole town." He bawled, tears running as he feared getting beat up.

"Tell ya what", Ena said, "You help us return the equipment, stage & stuff and we'll tell X that we found it all here when the barbarians who took it decided they had no use for it & left. Okaysie?"
....

And so it was. They all sang "In This House That I Call Home" on the way back.

Exene saw Ena leading the fellows back with their stuff. She planted a big wet one on Ena's lips, & fireworks went off. "Thanks for your help, boys and Ena. Um, Ena. How about adding our name to yours? Xena sounds more appropriate for a take action babe like yourself."

It was an amazing concert, X played brilliantly. Ena became Xena. Though her mom wasn't too thrilled at first, Ena was soon forgotten as Xena was a catch-fire name. In the years soon afterwards, Xena would think of Exene often, especially when singing "Come Back to Me" to herself. As X became more alt-country oriented, Xena became Evil Xena and her musical tastes changed, at least for awhile.

(((((END FLASHBACK))))))

Gabby saw Xena riding up on Argo. Tease her now or later? Gabby pondered.

"So, Xena, checked in on your friend in distress?"

Xena looked weary, a bit sad, only said "Yeah". She was unusually quiet, even for Xena. It wasn't until later, after dinner, when she was humming "Under the Big Black Sun" that she spoke more.

Gabby thought about calling her Ena to maybe cheer her up but then Xena told her. "My friend Exene, from a band called X years ago, has Multiple Sclerosis. I'm gonna organize a charity for her. Would you like to help? Get our pals Willie Nelson, Paul McCartney, the White Stripes and others?"

Gabby held back a tear, tossed the Ena jokes to Tartarus, and whispered, "Yes, of course."

They would call it Xena-fest, an annual benefit concert to help the needy whatever their ills.
...

Disclaimer: No character was hurt during the making of this ep (except maybe young Auto's pride) and we wish the best for Exene Cervenka.

Cool, two tales for the letter X! I would have done The xx but figure they're too new & need a few albums under their belts.

i hope to have a Y entry tomorrow nite. It's been a busy week back at work but i been comin up with ideas.

Xena...Warrior...Y Artists

Yo La Tengo had just finished a blistering cover of "Little Honda". They were ready to kick off "Periodically Double Or Triple" when the stage went dark. When the candles came back up, the band was gone.
...
Outside Rome, Neil Young was singing at an anti-Caesar rally. He'd just finished "Rockin' in the Roman Free World" and "The Crucifixes & the Damage Done" & was taking an off-stage break. He never returned.
...
Karen O mussed her black hair as she waited in the wings to join her band, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, onstage. Dressed in a green tank top & psychedelic short-shorts, she was planning to start the show with "Warrior". She never made it in front of the curtains.
...
Rick Wakeman and the original members of Yes were performing live in Potedaia. Lighters were lit for their encore, they would do "Roundabout" before hitting the path to Amphipolis. But they never made the encore.
...

Xena & Gabrielle were having brunch in the Hotel Yorba cafe. "Xena, it says here in the New YorkAnthenian Times that four musical acts whose name or moniker starts with a Y have disappeared at concerts over the last week or so. Isn't that odd?"

"Yeah well why dontcha read the funnies instead? I wanna know if Charlie Brown ever defeats that kite eatin' tree."

All of a sudden: "Xena? Xena warrior princess?" said a distraught man out of breath. "I'm Paul Young."

"Who?"

"Paul Young. The singer." X&G shrugged their shoulders & shook their heads. "I'm famous! Really!" Still no response from X&G. "Okay, I'm a one hit wonder. Remember "Everytime You Go Away", hmmm?" To which Xena recalled it, about ten minutes lates. "Anyway, you gotta help. She's kidnapped some Y artists. She's gonna kill them all. I was lucky to escape. She has short blond hair, a religious fanatic & she drinks a lotta gin or something."

"Najara!" exclaimed Xena. She snarled, "You bet we'll get that loony tune for ya, Paul."
...

With a loud warrior cry, Xena burst into Najara's camp. There were a bunch of folks tied up, high above the ground on a contraption of ropes, over hanging a barbecue pit. Najara was threatening to cut the ropes, sending the artists to their barbecued death.

"Hold it right there, you flaky fanatic! Why are you trying to hurt these musicians?" demanded Xena.

"It's your job to hurt Gabrielle, Xena. It's my job to hurt these cheerleaders of Satan! It's the letter Y. They promote it with their surnames or their band names. It must stop. The letter Y looks like a pitchfork. The pitchfork is the weapon of the devil. So say the Djinn!"

Gabby rolled her eyes. "That's ridiculous. Even the Djinn can't be that stupid or simple minded."

"Oh yeah! Well, it's your job being hurt by Xena, Gabrielle. Whaddaya think about that, huh, Miss tight butt-lookin hot-still love ya babe- know it all?" Najara was even more nuts than usual. "Besides, I bet Eli would agree with me, and you & Xena adore Eli."

It was at that moment that Eli arrived, surprising everyone. "The Djinn told me you were here, Najara, and what you'd done. You are too radical even for them. Let the artists go. I beseech you." Eli stared deep at Najara, using his way to force her to give in.

"All right, you win." Najara told her men to release the prisoners. When the authorities showed up, they put Najara in a straitjacket and hauled her off.

X&G helped with releasing the prisoners. "We finally meet, Gabrielle", said Neil Young. "You were my inspiration for "Heart of Gold". Here's a couple free tickets for you & Xena to any of my shows."

"Hey Neil," asked Xena. "Is there really a "Sugar Mountain"? I gotta sweet tooth, ya know."

While X&G conversed with Neil, Karen O sashayed up to Eli. "Hey Honeybear, that was great the way you freed us. I bet being the love guru is no Dull Life, eh? Why dontcha stay with me & be my main squeeze?"

"Um, I'm supposed to be pure of carnal desires."

At this point, Ira Kaplan from Yo La Tengo spoke to Eli, "Dude, I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One. Yours & Karen O's. Tears Are in Your Eyes and the The Weakest Part of love is not knowing when to give in. Go for her, Eli."

To Xena & Gabby's surprise, Eli grabbed Karen O and gave her a big smooch. "Enough with the healing stuff & being the puppet of archangel Michael! I'm shackin' up with Karen O!"

At this point, all the musicians began singing,

"Eli's comin', hide your heart, girl
Eli's comin', hide your heart, girl
Girl, Eli's a-comin', you better hide
Girl, Eli's a-comin', you better hide
Girl, Eli's a-comin', you better hide
Girl, Eli's comin', hide your heart, girl (hide it)
You better, better hide your heart
Eli's comin', better walk"

-as Eli & Karen O walked off into the sunset with the rest of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs trailing behind them.
...

"Xena, that was a surreal ending to a weird adventure. We went in ready to save a bunch of people from being barbecued, and instead Eli saves them with some big time staring. Then he gives up his way for some hot, dark haired babe who may dump him once they get to New Yorkanthens City. Or will he stare her down to make her stay with him? Uh, Xena, what you think?"

Xena was reading the funnies in that morning's news-scroll. "I think this is weird. Linus is playing the piano, ignoring Lucy, and the music he's playing- it's not Beethoven music but music from the Yardbirds. A Y band, Gabrielle. Is this a coincidence or a message from the Djinn or what?"

Gabby rolled her eyes, wondering if her partner also belonged in a straitjacket.
...

Disclaimer:
No musicians were barbecued during the making of this ep but Eli's lust caught fire when he & Karen O found an inn that night.

Great work XC!!

I've been struggling with the Y artists a bit but I have one about ready to go. Your "Y" collective was a great idea.


Brian