Here's the drill.

Somebody posts a letter requesting the advice of Auntie Callisto. It must be written as any character in the Xenaverse (or Hercaverse). The next person must answer as Auntie Callisto and post another question as any character of the Xenaverse/hercaverse.

No stakes here, this is just for fun and entertainment.


Dear Auntie Callisto

Just how do you get out of the lava pit?

Baked Velaska

Dear Baked Velaska.

I have friends in high places. They just didn't want you in anymore episodes.. i'm sorry.

AuntY Callisto.



Dear Aunty Callisto

All my friends mum's bake cookies with them, and have girlie outings. What do i have to do to get my mum to act like a mum?

Lost Livia

Dear Livia,

I'm afraid there will have to be a few divine lobotomies. Likely victims are you, you're mother...and me.

Dear Auntie Callisto,

My boyfriend wants me to give up my career. He says it's immoral. How can I make him understand that selling strapping young men as sex slaves makes me feel like a whole person?

Glaphyra

Dear Glaphyra

Why try? Sell your boyfriend. Better yet, kill him.

Auntie Callisto


Dear Auntie Callisto

First my daughter Gabrielle runs off with that monster Xena, and now my other daughter Lila wants to date a Pomirian Horde creature. Should I let her date him?

Unhappy Herodotus

Dear Hap,
Can I call you that..???
What I would do is tell her that she can date anyone after you have removed their naughty bits in a Nekkid Bear Huggahs moonlite ritual.

Aunty Callisto



Dear Aunty Callisto.

I have a old& dear aquaintance who thinks Ive been snubbing her But in all honesty Ive fallen on hard times & carving out an existance isnt as easy as it was when I was younger & more scary lookin.

What shall I do..??

Thersides the Sickly Assassin

Dear Sickly--
so you say you're an assassin. well i say, 'assassin, off thyself!'

Dear Auntie Callisto:

i am an enduring evil who has lost the will to endure. what should i do?

Languishing Lethargicly in My Lair

Dear Languishing,

Evil will always endure. Try politics.

Auntie Callisto


Dear Auntie Callisto

My destroyer of nations girlfriend has a birthday zoon. What zhould I gets for de woman who can have everythings?

baffled Borias

Dear Baffled,

Have you thought about giving her your head on a platter?


Dear Auntie Callisto,

I've been experiencing some wicked acid reflux lately. Know of a good rememdy?

Strife, God of...well...strife

Dear Strife,

That's not acid reflux darling, that's your conscience, I know you're not familiar with that. Stop being a crybaby and get over it already.

AC


Dear Auntie Callisto,

My mom has recently fallen for a women that has betrayed me. How can I allow her into my life and trust her?

Solan
Xena's Pride and Joy

Dear Solan

First, open your arms to her. Hold her to your side. Then open one of her veins. One good betrayal deserves another.

Aunt Calli

Dear Auntie Callisto

I've fallen in love with someone from a different species. He is of larger proportions than me in ... certain areas. I'm concerned about the impracticalities of our love making. Any advice?

Excited Ephiny

Dear Ephiny,
Hey, screw society. Go for it and if anyone laughs, cut off their heads and stick them on a post as a trophy for your lover.
AC

Dear Auntie Callisto,
I seem to have an insatiable appetite for killing, even during sex. What should I do?

Zappin' Zeus

Dear Auntie Callisto,
I've fallen and I can't get up.

Holed up Hope

Dear Holed Up,

Good.

Auntie Callisto


Dear Auntie Callisto,

Is best to serve kaltaka with bbq'd Roman?

Pul-lee no Vanessa

Dear Pul-lee no Vanessa,

Do not pour kaltaka over a Roman before cooking! Any nice red will do. But check first. If he turns out to be a Gaul, check the tribe. I like pouring Mosel over a Treveri Gaul before I set him on fire. If you are of a tribe that does not drink alcohol, a good spicy glaze will do.

Make certain the kaltaka does not come from seeps in a poisoned wadi. Huh?

Auntie Callisto.

Deer Aunty Calesto:

Im ritin abowt a prolem we got in Assguard. A jyant stoled my hamer. He wants Frya in xchanj. Freya wont go she sez No way Im not merryin a smely joe-ton!

Lowkey sez he has an idya butt I thot I rite yoo furst becuz I lyk ur tak no priznrs atitud. Lokis ideas r a bit strange lik wearin dressses.

How can I get myolnr my hamer back?

Thor the trubled.

Dear Thor

One word. Chloryform. There'll be no complaining from Frya then.

Aunt Calli

Dear Auntie Callisto

I'm writing again because my question wasn't addressed last time.

I've fallen in love with someone from a different species. He is of larger proportions than me in ... certain areas. I'm concerned about the impracticalities of our love making. Any advice?

Excited Ephiny

Dear Excited Ephiny.

Don't worry about it honey. All the good stuff happens within the ad breaks, so therefore no matter how impractical it seems, donkey style will suit you just fine.

Aunty Call.

Dear Aunty Callisto

My wife is insatiable, and is always tiring me out. How can i tell her no without hurting her feelings?

Zonked Zeus.

Dear Zeus

This is an advice collumn. We answer problems here. Write again when you have one.

Aunt Calli

Dearest Auntie Callisto

I have misplaced my pink dress. Where should I start to look for it?

Joxer the Mighty

Dear Joxer,
This is an advice collumn. We answer problems here.
Write again when you have one.

Aunt Calli

Dear Aunti Callisto,
I was murdered & I awoke in a VERY HOT hellish place....I was covered in a tasty BBQ Sauce.
I was ALWAYS a Good Guy..
Whats wrong with this picture..??

Perdicus

steak sauce is better.

- auntie callisto


dear auntie callisto,

the internet keeps disconnecting people all willy-nilly. who do i smite about this?

- liz, from the future

Liz,
I've emailed you Bill Gates' address. Go to his house, and torch it to the ground. Make sure you hear his family screaming. Do a little Xena smirk. That'll complete the picture.

AC

Dear Auntie Callisto,
How do I get an evasive warrior woman to notice me?
Love-struck God of War Ares

Dearest G. O. W. Ares

I usually find, with warriors, the instinct to fight conquers all. I'm sure if you torch this warrior woman's village you will get her attention. If that doesn't work, try the old favourites - staking her out in the hot sun, breaking her legs, maybe a little crucifiction.

Aunt Calli

Dear Auntie Callisto

The other day I wrote a humorous letter to my friend. She thought it was hilarious. A little later on I noticed that someone else had copied it word for word. The context had changed, though, so it lost all its meaning. That's kinda strange, don't you think?

Villager trapped in a reoccuring nightmare somewhere in Ancient Greece

Dear Villager trapped in a reoccuring nightmare somewhere in Ancient Greece

Forget the letter. Eat, Drink, Score, Kill and test loved ones like their's no tomorrow, cause face it- there might not be a tomorrow for you.

Auntie Callisto

Dear Auntie Callisto,

Me and the girls threw back too many Ambrosia shots at last nights initiation, how do i get ambrosia out of my favorite leathers.

Being half god doesn't get the stains out

Dear Villager trapped in a reoccuring nightmare somewhere in Ancient Greece

Forget the letter. Eat, Drink, Score, Kill and test loved ones like their's no tomorrow, cause face it- there might not be a tomorrow for you.

Auntie Callisto

ps somehow this all seems very familiar

Dear Auntie Callisto,

Me and the girls threw back too many Ambrosia shots at last nights initiation, how do i get ambrosia out of my favorite leathers.

Being half god doesn't get the stains out

Dear being half god,
Burn the leathers and whoosh yaself some new ones from a department store near you.
Being half god gives ya priveleges...like being able to steal without being caught!

AC

Dear Auntie Callisto,
Help! I don't know if i'm for real or just a figment of some twisted sister's warped imagination.

Dreamboat Dite

Dear Dreamboat Dite,

Try suicide. If you die, guess you were real.

Auntie Callisto


Dear Auntie Callisto,

Is Gabby too good for me or am I too good for her?

Puzzled Perdicus

Dear Puzzled Perdicus,

You're too good for her. try finding a woman that doesn't throw herself at every hot random warrior ho in underwear running through town. in fact, you should have thrown yourself at a hot ho. where were you when your fiancee was picken up that leather baddie... grow some. maybe she is better.

Auntie Callisto.

Dear Auntie Callisto,

I have terrible split ends, sharp as needles. how can i soften my approach so that people, and my devil mother, can love me?

The Destroyer.