Dear Destroyer,
Why bother? People aren't worth love. Kill em all.
Don't mind me, I've got pms, I'm talkin like Xena.
AC

Dear Auntie Callisto,

My father never knew me for what I truly was. He always wanted me to be someone I'm not. And now he's controlling the whole world and ignoring me and he even killed my brother. What should I do?

Hoppin mad Hercules

Dear Hoppin Mad Hercules,

you're right, your father never knew you for the sanctimonious scrooge you've always been. "wah, good for the sake of good, waaah". if you were half the man your brother was... wait, you are half! ha, aint that somethin'. Stop the half god business. find a job some where in a quary moving rocks and building temples.

Auntie Callisto

Dear Auntie Callisto,

i've been converting all these people to this new religion of the one god, yeah, wild hu? anyhow, i was wondering if we should have a uniform, or a special handshake or something so that we can tell who's part of my new incrowd. what do you think? should i establish rules for this new religion?

A different drummer

Dear Different Drummer,
HUH?
Uhhh Go away, ya bother me.

Auntie Callisto

Dear Auntie Callisto,
First I'm told to love then I'm told to hate then I'm told that because I kissed a goat I gotta do whatever Livia says. And Alti? Well now Livia gots do do whatever SHE says which pretty much means I gotta do what Alti says too. Bleeh what should I do, bbq them both and give them to my father or work with them to free my sister and take over the world?

Bemused Bella

Dear Bemused,

Forget them, just focus on torturing Xena. Unless, of course, that's how you want to torture Xena...

Dear Auntie Callisto

I'm so bored with ambrosia. Got any ideas on how to spice it up?

Iron Chef Olympian

dear Iron Chef:

sheep dip? goat poo...

Auntie C

Dear Auntie Callisto:

i think someone has replaced my best friend with a look-alike offspring with bad hair. how do i find out for sure if she's the real deal or satanic spawn?

Vexed WP

Dear Vexed,

Better safe than sorry. Use the business end of your sword.


Dear Auntie Callisto

I have this irritating song stuck in my head. Everytime I pilot the boat across the River Styx I keep hearing "It's a Small World." How do I make it stop?

Charon gone Crazy

Dearest Charon

Let Auntie help you, baby. Repeat after me: Happy talk keep talking, happy talk. Talk about things you'd like to do. You've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?

Sing that about five times in succession and I'm sure that other song will be a distant memory.

Aunt Calli

Dear Auntie Callisto

I've fallen and I can't get up.

Face Down Aphrodite

Dear Face Down Aphrodite:

What, your boobs didn't bounce you back up? Then you just lie there for eternity.

Aunt Calli.

Dear Auntie Callisto:

You'd be such a pretty girl if you didn't scowl. Smile!

The Widow Twanky

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Herculena,

Dear Twank:
didn't your mother ever tell you pretty is as pretty does...?
AC

Dear Aunt Callie:

it turns out i have an evil twin...does that make me the "good one"?

Troubled Tara

Dear Troubled,

I'm a little fuzzy on this good/bad dichotomy. Just think of yourself as a lesser of two evils...hmm, I don't suppose that's terribly comforting. heh

Dear Auntie Callisto,

Do you have an agent? Stick with me, kid and I'll take you places--at only 15%!

Salmoneous

Sal,

oops, sorry. i thought you said "stick me."

C-

Dear Auntie Callisto:

everwhere i turn, warrior woman are kicking my butt...maybe the life of looting and mayhem is not for me. any alternative career suggestions?

Zagreus the Exasperated

Zaggy. Darling.

I agree that you're in the wrong business. If women are good at kicking your butt have you considered work in the adult entertainment industry?

Auntie Callisto

Dear Auntie Callisto

Everything reduced! All stock must clear! Today only!

Falafel

Dear Falafel,
Relaaaaax. You're so tense! Drink some rum, that's ONE thing that Minya oddball did right!

AC

Dear Auntie Callisto
How do I get these blemishes to go away? My skin is a MESS!
Baked Dite

Dear Baked Dite

Try using an oxy torch.

Auntie Callisto

Dear Auntie Callisto

Hi, long time no speak. Hope the angel gig is going well for ya.

What's the best way to get rabbit blood out of leather?

Xena: ex Destroyer of Nations, ex Warrior Princess

Dear Xena,

Try divine intervention

Dear Auntie Callisto,

I've decided my dear little dog needs a playmate. What's the best dogbreed to complement a three-headed hellhound?

Hades

Dear Hades

Only kind of dog I know is the one-headed Gabrielle bitch breed.

Auntie Callisto


Dear Auntie Callisto

You want me. You desire me. Admit it.

Theodorus the Horny

Dear Delusional Theodorus

I want you like I want a barrage of rocks to fall on my head.

I desire you like I desire to be turned from my deliciously evil self, into an angelic poon.

I admit nothing.

Auntie Callisto



Dear Auntie Callisto

Chicken or fish?

Lao Ma

Dear Lao Ma:

have you tried pork, the other white meat? here, piggy, piggy, piggy....

AC

Dear Auntie Callisto:

my woman and i are the Warrior Princess's biggest fans, but there are no Xena Cons scheduled for a couple millenia. how do we get our fan fix til then?

sincerely,
Hower, with flowers

Dear Hower

I hear tell of a tavern owned by one J. T. Mighty and his wife Meg. Many fans gather there. In fact, I believe there is a rather special event scheduled there for next Tuesday. If you hurry you'll make it in time.

I know I'll be there. In a blaze of glory.

Auntie Callisto


Dear Auntie Callisto

I've forgotten the words to Glede Ma Glede and I'm supposed to sing it at a festival next week.

Cyrene

Cyrene--

if all goes as planned, Light My Fire will be a much more appropriate selection...

Callie

Dear Auntie Callisto:

i'm obessessed with a mortal who won't give me the time of day. how do i get her to drop her irritating blonde and opt for some divine hetero nookie?

Ares, God of Leather

Dear Ares

There's no need to drop the blonde in order to get in on the nookie action.

You know what they say - two's company, three's allowed.

Auntie Callisto



Dear Auntie Callisto

That outfit is SO last millenium.

Jivin' Jace

Dear Jace,

What can I say? Chainmail is a classic. You know what else is a classic? Bloodsmears. Is your blood red too?


Dear Auntie Callisto

I hear djinn. Do invisible beings that noone else can hear talk to you? I never used to worry about it, but sometimes I wonder.

Najara

Dear Najara

I don't hear them but you, you should worry. Try beating your head against a stone wall until you no longer hear them.

Auntie Callisto


Dear Auntie Callisto

Caesar says you can't have a crucifixion without crosses. I say that you can. Who's correct?

Backstabbing Brutus

Dear Brutus,

Crucifixion ain't my thing. I like a more hands on approach myself. That said, I don't know why a tree or a bridge wouldn't work just as well. Improvise with your surroundings. When life hands you lemons, rub 'em in Xena's papercuts.


Dear Auntie Callisto,

I'm having a weekend house party. I've invited several of the nastiest, meanest, most vile warlords of Hellas to my own island. What wines should I serve?

Malthus

Malthus:

you need something young, yet bitter with a nice body and overtones of sour grapes.

i'll be right over.
AC

Dear Auntie Calisto:

hunting...sport or murder?

Morloch