I am the destroyer
To myself and to others
I am the black hole
I am ruin
Don't you know me?
I am the acid
that eats you from the inside
and leaves you barren
I am the poison
you can't detect
I am the dark alley
of attack
that nobody sees
I am the cause of collapse
I wreak havoc on love
and corrupt it into hatred
obscuring all light
into darkness
I am the wrecking ball

Thank you for posting, Chiana. Good poem, I'm afraid God has created lots of "wrecking balls"

Chiana,

Wow...very different from "Beauty", that's for sure. I like it though...you are able to capture the right words and the right way to protray "the wrecking ball", exactly how it feels and what happens. I really like this one, even if it's not a "picker upper." Very good poem...keep sharing them with us!

~Gabber

CHIANA! hi.

i could be a liiii-aaar!! but it seems like this is less about you, and more about someone that has been your "wrecking ball". why is that you ask? cause its written in a way that displays a raw hurt, one that can only come from being the hurt-currently even, not the "ball"... make sense? so i'm curious. which is it? the line "to myself and to others" makes it sound like a person... rather than an emotions which is the other option i had in mind. that this was about like jealousy, envy or unconfessed needs, you know... inner turmoil personified.... so... i'm curious!

and i liked this. i like your short style. it suits my head. thanks for sharing.

mons

[ October 16, 2002, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: mons ]

Prof, Gabber, and Mons:

Thank you for the compliments.

Mons I can see what you mean about it seeming like someone else. I think there's a reason for that. I wish I could say I was speaking of someone else as the wrecking ball, but it's me. The reason for the raw hurt is that I am both hurter and hurt. I am going through some collosal relationship problems right now. And it seems like all I do is irritate the situation even further. I feel like I'm abrasive even in my presence. I make the situation worse everytime I open my mouth. Especially when I'm trying to make it better, I open the wound even further. I'm like Edward Scissorhands. I sabotage my relationships, even when I'm not trying to. So it feels out of my control. I destroy my own life. When I speak to others, my words are bullets. I feel like I should put duct tape over my mouth and take a vow of silence. I am dual creator and destroyer. For example, a few months ago I bought some clay to make ceramics and sculpture with. I have made a few pieces and I have destroyed all of them. Right now my creator is fighting depression and the destroyer. I feel like Kali, the goddess of death and rebirth, except not in that order. So even when I've hurt someone else, I feel the pain of having hurt and having been hurt.

Thank you all for reading and caring. It's nice to know that even when I'm still in the thick of it, I can come here and express myself.

Chi I hear ya. I've walked the path you are on right now.

So I'll tell ya what finally worked for me...I let go. Let go primarily of MY expectations of others. I let go of wanting to know WHY. I let go of right and wrong.

Then I focused on myself. I started reading again. I quit talking and started listening. I started my daily ritual of giving thanks for all that was good in my life.

In time, I got better. Many of the reasons I put myself in that place are still a part of my life. But I quit focusing so much energy there.

Anger begets fear. Fear is not a place to operate within.

Hang in there...I've partnered for 14 years now...it doesn't ever get easier but this you probably know by now too.

I really like this Chianna. The raw energy and the hurt come through. I felt right away that you were talking about yourself. Nothing can hurt us worse than our own mistakes. And I can tell here too that the worst part is that you don't even know how to stop them.

I am reading an interesting book that brings up this problem a lot, It's called "Resurecting Sex" I went into the library to look for Tiki yesterday but she wasn't there and I came out with this book!

Anyway the author says that we need to learn to "hold onto ourselves," especially when we are in dangerious territory, (such as sex). What he means I think is that we don't let the situation tell us what we are feeling. If we feel something it's probably true, we shouldn't judge it or try to explain it, it just is a part of us and we should honor it.

We can hold onto the best in us too. Not always see the things that we are not doing well. And we need to be careful not to look for our identity in others. If we rely on a reflected sense of self it will keep us from enjoying who we really are.

That's just a few things from the book. It's by David Schnark who also wrote "Passionate Marriage."

Lesbianerector and Nanzar

Thank you for your words and advice. Sometimes when you get to a dark place it's hard to find your way out. Fear just freezes me in place, and I can't think straight for a while. I get all skittish and self destructive. Relationships are hard work, no doubt about it. Nan, that book sounds interesting. I always have problems when I let the moment sweep me away instead of holding on to myself. Thanks.

I can really relate to this one. I love it. Pure mood and feelings.

chiana...

sooooo, all those "i am's" should have thrown me a clue, hu? he he. okay. *squeek squeek squeek* sorry, just adjustin my crack levels. anyhoo... i know what you mean. it seems like the more you care, the harder you try, the worse it comes out. and isn't that funny? how when you care more you say all the wrong things.. the heart is a terrible speaker. tell it to take a back seat and let your head do the talkin. that is, if it too hasn't fallen pray to your concerns. and i get what you mean about the poem. makes sense. when you hurt someone else, you hurt yourself too... got it. comes through

let me tell you one more thing.... i liked reading your response to me. almost tempted out a "poetry response" to it. well worded.... see, one of those conundrums... uuuh, yeah, i made up that spelling. anyhoo, one of those things... you came across loud and clear, yet not to the person that matters, right? well, good luck. i'm not help i guarentee! i'm the QUEEN of foot in the mouth...

the forever ill-spoken,
mons

Chiana,

I'm feeling ya, g. Totally, I'm feeling you. Bleh, don't you hate that when it feels like your sabotaging your own life? Sucks, completely. I think at one point in time, everyone, myself included (psh, WAY included) gets that whole "I f*** up everything I touch" thought process going on. But it's how you come away from it, ya know? You can continue on and completely cement that lovely Beowulf complex in the making or you can say 'screw that crap' and work at it.

Working at it is freaking hard. I'm trying and oh man, sometimes I SOOOO wanna give up but ya know, I don't cause I got something great to look forward to when I can shake that mentality. So I keep on trying and luck upon luck, Keri still keeps loving me. All I can say is that I got every word you said, s'like the way I would say 'em if I had a mind to. Are you sure you're not still reading my mind? ANyways, good poem, keep posting. LoL, I think this is the longest reply I've done to anyone's poem in a very long time.

~ Sara

I love you all.

The simple words used here to convey complex themes add to the darkness of this one.

It's like one of those angst written songs with sweet melodies belying lyrics filled with hate.

Great work. Worries me a little, though, that it seems to be a tad autobiographical. No-one is as totally destructive as this, even though they may feel it, at times.

Thanks for joining our fold.

Thanks Argy! And Thanks for finishing the last ficter's challenge!

Hey, no worries mate.

As for that challenge ... it needed finishing off!!