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Warrior...Princess...Rock Star
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Rob Tapert has a brainstorm for promoting Lucy's singing career, and to the delight of Xena fans everywhere a Season 7 of the Warrior Princess is announced. Yes!!! Twenty-six new episodes, all musicals! A huge influx of musical talent hits New Zealand, spearheaded by thousands of women auditioning to do voice over songs for Renee O'Connor. Ass-kicking fights accompanied by ass-kicking rock songs garner huge ratings, platinum CD sales and world-wide clamor for live tours. Gabrielle is adorned with another new outfit, lots of leather and metal and a streak in her hair, and instead of sais she whips metal drumsticks from her boots to beat the evil ones. Xena screams a new slogan into the airwaves... Battle On and Rock Out!!!


Xena and Gabrielle are passing through Guitaropoly and find the town in an uproar because Stephen Tyler has quit the local legendary band Aerosmith. The town is desperately auditioning for new lead singers, but Xena seizes the chance and announces to the town she's taking over, and Aerosmith will be the core of her new musical army. The town and remaining band members object so Xena and Gabrielle kick their butts until they grudgingly relent.

Xena lets her triumphant joy hit the air with "Sweet Emotion." When the town begs Gabrielle to tell how she and Xena met, Gabrielle does her Bard thing concluding with a flash pot filled version of "Walk This Way" which has been re-written as "She taught to me to 'Fight This Way.'"

The straight v. subtext crowd gets plenty of fodder in the lastest bathtub incarnation. An innuendo-filled plenty-of-flesh showing version of "Love in a Elevator" retitled as "Soap in a Hot Bath", with both women giving slinky renditions of the line "living it up while I'm going down."

Gabrielle's insecurity rears from her lack of musical talent, fearing she's going to be left behind as Xena tours Greece with her new act. She re-invents her look, dark red leather with plenty of black metal trim, and a blood crimson streak through her hair. Metal drumsticks replace the sais and a chakram/tambourine on her belt accessorizes her new look. Tentatively she reveals her new garb to the Warrior Princess, asking if she finds it appealing. Xena concludes the episode with a tender heart felt version of "You're My Angel."

Xena and Gabrielle head into the Adriatic Sea for a vacation break on the beautiful island of Bopmonia that is now under Roman control. Joxer has made good for himself by reuniting with his brother Jace and providing entertainment for the resort crowd with his nightclub hotspot The Love Shack. Instead of rest our heroes are drawn into strife as local warlord Ballista has taken over the club, and she makes the local musical stars Beta-LIIs work for nothing to increase profits. This is a light hearted comedy episode, with two running gags. Everytime a new character meets the B-LIIs they ask, "What's with the hairdos?" More humor is provided by Hudson Leick portraying the local warlord and she can't understand why everyone confuses her with some evil bitch named Callisto. She keeps screaming "it's BAH-List-AH you dumb ass!" at everyone and tries to explain she dubbed herself that name because of her proclivity of going ballistic. The jokes on her though because in Ancient Greece no one knows what ballistic means anyway.

Xena and Gabrielle sizzle in their topless sunbathing scene on the beach, punctuated by Joxer peering at Gabrielle's breast and asking "Is that a hickey?"

The episode concludes with our heroes setting Ballista adrift into the sea in a dingy and telling her to "Roam around the world." The entire resort celebrates at Joxer and Jace's nightclub with a bopping, bouncing, sweat-filled rendition of "Love Shack."

Tapert and Raimi fear reaction about a musical episode that includes only two songs, "Love Shack" and "Roam", each sung 3 times during the show. Happily the critics and viewing audience concur those are the only two songs they like from the B52s anyway.

Who remembers how to play this game??? Follow the theme... Rock Star...stay in alphabetical order please. Get as detailed as you want, or if you only have a name you want to put in, that's ok and let others supply some detail.

C'mon Scrollers... Battle On and Rock Out.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Brian,
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Xena and Gabrielle and Joxer journey to Brittania once again. Upon arrival a young lad named Daniel tells of a land further west called Eire where a crazy blonde female warlord has been terrorizing the Emerald Isle. Sure enough Callisto has been on tour with her psycho Barbie act.

They arrive to find Callisto explaining to a recently ravaged village that she's been awash with evil ever since Xena burned her family alive. Callisto sings "Ode to My Family," creening that

"my mother, my mother, she held me when I was back there
my father, my father, he liked me
they loved me, but does anyone care?"

"My happiness was when I was young
and we didn't have a care
cause I was raised to see life as fun
and to live it best we can
but my mother, my father were torched by Xena
they loved me, but she didn't care!"

Callisto's tale of woe garners little sympathy from the hamlet of people who have suffered the same fate. A local band of musicians called Cranberry Saw Us beg Xena and Gabrielle to help, they sing "Linger" in hopes our heroes will remain to help. Xena agrees if they'll change the band's name because she tired of hearing them having to explain to everyone it's a play on words for "cranberry sauce." After tremendous bickering the group agrees to become the Cranberries.

Joxer makes shamrock stew which is adored by everyone. He claims he put a lucky charm in it that makes it magically delicious. It's magic turns to mayhem for everyone by creating great gastric distress, causing a stampede for the bushes. The Xena Rock Star Army suffers so many snakebites from squatting in the weeds it prompts Xena to comment "If some mean bastard could drive these snakes off this island they'd probably make him a saint."

Xena notices Gabrielle seems to be sagging a lot and asks what's up with her bustline.
Gabrielle answers "When in Rome..., right? I'm following local tradition."
"Which tradition might that be?" asks Xena.
"Erin Go Braughless!" says Gabrielle.
"I don't think you've got that quite right," Xena comments, peeking down her top, "but leave it for now."

The Xena musical entourage once again vanquishes Callisto, and the locals began planning a bright future. The Cranberries sing "Dream" to lift hope and spirits. Young lad Daniel wants to go kiss a blessed stone for good fortune. Gabrielle was to go but Xena whispers "It sounds like blarney to me, let's go for a walk."
"O Danny boy," Xena says, "we'll skip the stone for now."
She turns to Gabrielle.
"Hey Bard... how's that for a line? 'I'll skip the stone for now.' Kind of a play on words there."

Our heroes watch a romantic sunset over the ocean, high on a green grassy bluff.
"I love you, Gabrielle."
"I love you, Xena."
The camera pans up from their profile towards sun and sky and ocean, and the credits roll.
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Joxer finds Xena and Gabrielle camping on a peaceful beach covered with black sand. Instead of his usual brown "helmet" he is sporting a shiny red hat.

"What's with the new head gear?" asks Gabrielle.

"It's a beautiful world we live in. A sweet romantic place. Beautiful people everywhere. The way they comb their hair makes me want to say. It's a beautiful world," replies Joxer.

"Yeah, makes about as much sense as that hat," Xena snorts.

"No, guys, listen. It's the latest thing in Greece. And one day people will even turn these things upside down and try to grow plants in them," Joxer pleads.

"When that happens I'm going to go on the road and start a singing career," says Xena. "You know, Greece, Chicagorea, Londonderry, New Yorkville."

"Sounds like a plan," coos Gabrielle, giddy at the thought of dancing with Xena onstage.

"Just as long as you don't try to sing," Xena warns her.
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Oops, sorry. That was me posting. Didn't realise I was logged in as an Admin.


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Bless you Argeaux.

I'd almost forgotten Devo and those stupid hats.
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As the Xena Rock Star Army moves through Greece Xena receives a message that there is turmoil in the night, as frightening evil dreams are plaguing the citizenry. Something's amiss with Morpheus, and our heroes decide to help.

Slumber everywhere has been disturbed because Morpheus has given up caffeine, nicotine, and fatty foods. The dude is so cranky everyone is forced to feel his pain. Xena tries to get him to loosen up his lifestyle but when he resists Xena decides to just kick his butt. Gabrielle steps in to convince Xena that there must be a non-violent way to change his mind. Gabrielle seeks help from a local healer named Annie Lennox who bakes a special nutbread for Morpheus and sings "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This."

As X & G rush off with the healing goodies Annie can't help notice that Gabrielle is just soooooooo smoking hot in her new red leather and she commemorates their meeting with the song "Who's That Girl?"

The potion-filled nutbread has it's soothing effect, Morpheus becomes dreamily serene while listening to Xena sing to him backed up by the Xena Rock Star Army. Once again Ancient Greece can slumber blissfully.

Annie L is left alone as the XRSA moves on and a sad longing for her new friend makes her see the dark cloud rather than the silver lining, and she concludes the episode with "Here Comes the Rain Again."
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i'm reading all these, and finding them highly amusing..

i'll get creative and do one soon Big Grin

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The Xena Rock Star Army pulls into Amphipolis to say hello to Cyrene. Cyrene doesn't recognize Gabrielle in her new outfit and hairdo, and asks "Who's the new butch? I never understood how you put up with the other one anyway."
"Knock it off, Mom," says Xena. "That's Gabrielle and you know it. And just so you know, I really dig the new red leather."
"Well how often are you going to buy her new clothes while you're stuck with the same old outfit?" asks Cyrene. "You should do a little something for yourself once in a while. You'd better since she doesn't do much for you."
"Cyrene, she likes what I do," snaps Gabrielle. "And no matter what I'm wearing, Xena says it always 'Feels Like The First Time.'"

The happy though somewhat snippy reunion turns critical when Xena is suddenly stricken with an unknown illness. Gabrielle runs to fetch the town's healer, only to find he's been replaced by a group consortium from Brittania. They have been dubbed Foreigner by the townsfolk.

Gabrielle describes Xena's symptoms and sings that is "Urgent!" The healers rush to Xena's side, and after examining her pronounce her "Cold As Ice" and call for furs and blankets. Gabrielle is wrapping Xena up and asks her if she feels cold inside. Xena pulls Gabrielle close and says "I'm HotBlooded, check it and see." She plants a long lingering wet kiss on Gabrielle but faints from the exertion.

Gabrielle is panic stricken Xena may die and tells her how much she needs her, how her life was empty and boring until she walked with the Warrior Princess. She sings "I've Been Waiting for a Girl Like You" while cradling Xena in her arms.

Cyrene and the Foreigner healers return with a special concoction of henbane, nutbread, radish stew and fisted fish that seems to help revive Xena. She complains of "Double Vision" but otherwise seems ok. The Xena Rock Army celebrates with a gritty, thunderous version of Dirty White Boy which has been re-written as "Sturdy Greek Girrl."

Later as our duo sits closely together by the campfire, Joxer points to Xena's neck. "Is that a hickey?"
Xena punches him in the face and knocks him out. Gabrielle leans in close and peers at Xena's neck. "Xena, there is a mark there. It looks as if you were hit by a poisoned dart."

"Don't be silly. Go to sleep, Gabrielle." Xena rubs her neck and scans the dark forest around them, dramatic music plays and the credits roll.
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Warrior...Princess...Gloria Estefan

Jace and Joxer have booked a Spanish chanteuse to sing at their new night club. Business is booming until one night Draco and his henchmen show up and trash the joint in a night of drunken revelry. Xena and Gabrielle are sent for to get rid of Draco. Gloria and Xena hit it off, especially when Gloria discovers Xena once had a thing for Draco. They sing "Bad, Bad Boys Make Me Feel So Good." The two hit it off a bit too well for Gabrielle's taste, and she sings her concerns that Xena may have too strong an interest with "I Don't Want To Lose You Now."

Draco sees Gabrielle and sings "Steal Your Heart," vowing to win Gabrielle's love. Gabrielle uses the spell Draco's under to lure him into the woods where Xena captures him and sends him off to jail. The town celebrates with the entire cast singing "Conga" until the dawn. The town loves the dance and Jace comments "You tink dis is someting? Dis is how we dance before breakfast where I come from."

The final scene shows Xena and Gabrielle watching the sun rise, and Gabrielle admits she was jealous of Gloria, and feared losing Xena. They sit in silence, watching the sky lighten, Xena stroking Gabrielle's hair.

"I love you, you know," says Xena. "I'm not going anywhere without you."
Gabrielle shrugs and smiles weakly, "Every hero needs a sidekick I suppose."
Xena turns G's face towards her own and the blue eyes gaze intently on the green eyes and in a calm, even, resolute voice Xena says, "I don't love you like a sidekick. I love your heart, your spirit, the way you write, I love you as my greatest friend, as my soul mate."
Gabrielle tears up at the intense sincerity of the Warrior Princess. Xena holds her hand and sings "Con Los Anos Que Me Quedan," which means "With the Years I Have Left."

The credits roll.
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Xena...Warrior...Hannah Montana

"Uh no...Dahok's Destroyers...more of them...more offspring of Hope...must find...must, KILL 'EM ALL!" Xena screamed.

Gabrielle turned in her sleep to her friend. "Xena?"

It was another vision, the warrior explained. Worse than the ones before. But not to worry now, soon it'd be morning and yummy blueberry muffins awaited in the next town.

The next day- "Xena look! It's Lila, Tara, Americe, that blonde haired Horde chick, Joxer... they're all heading towards town. Looking so strange with a glazed expression, of course that's normal for Joxer, but..."

"Ah well, maybe they want blueberry muffins too. Yum Yum", Xena said in delight. Then: "Is that music I hear up ahead?"

Gabby perked an ear up. "That's no music. It sounds like that awful Greece Idol stuff we ran into in Athens, or Boobney Spears- that failed amazon diva wanna-be. Xena- it's where Lila and the others are headed. Look! There's thousands of them!"

Indeed there were. Thousands of mind-numbed Greeks were huddled around the Hannah Montana stage in the field. Throwing dinars away for Hannah Montana merchandise. Oh the shame!

As "Pumpin' Up The Party" was being "sung" by Hannah and her flock, Xena sneered- evily. She knew Hannah must be an offspring of Hope, a Destoyer- destroying people's mind with her brand of brain cell destroying psuedo-bubblegum "music". Before Gabby could stop her, she took her chakram and flung it at Hannah's head.

"Xena!" cried Gabby. "S-she's just a girl! No matter how bad she sings, you can't kill her!"

The chakram only knocked off Hannah's wig, revealing a frightened girl who now approached X&G.

"M-My name is Miley. I'm so s-sorry for the terrible ruckus. I-It wasn't my idea. It was my papa's. His name is-"

"-Dahok. Yes I know" said Xena.

"Dahok? No, my dad is Billy Ray Cyrus. He's-"

Now it was Gabby who snarled. "-I know who he is. Worse than Dahak! Xena, Billy Ray Cyrus sang "Achy Breaky Heart"!"

Xena snarled, "We'll find him. Him and his band. We'll KILL 'EM ALL! KILL 'EM ALL! KILL 'EM ALL! KILL 'EM ALL! KILL 'EM ALL! KILL 'EM A-"

Gabby shook Xena, "Xena! Wake up! You're having a nightmare. I told you not to eat so many blueberry muffins! But did you listen? NoooOOOoooo not Miss Warrior Princess. You think you have so many skills including an iron stomach. Um, who's Hannah Montana? Are you cheatin' on me?"

"No Gabrielle, go back to sleep. Thank the gods it was only a nightmare...I hope."
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Absolutely brilliant, Xenacrazed.

"worse than Dahak." he heh
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Warrior...Princess...Isaac Hayes

An animated Xena episode located in South Park!!!

Cartman and Kyle are arguing.
"Wonder Woman or Seven of Nine could kick Xena's ass easily. Xena has no special powers. She's just tits in brass armor," says Cartman.
"Shut up, Cartman," retorts Kyle. "Xena fights for good and whips everyone's butt."
"Oh lick my balls, Kyle," Cartman replies.

Joxer approaches. "I told Xena what you said, Cartman, let's see what happens when the Warrior Princess arrives."

From off screen we hear, "Aiy.yiy..yiy.yiy.yiy.yiy!!!" and Xena somersaults into the scene and lands on Cartman. Standing on his chest she says, "Look in those old comic books fat kid, and you'll see Wonder Woman was tied up, handcuffed, hung by the wrists and sat on in every issue. She was nothing but a bondage freak lookin' to get spanked. I do all the spankin', don't I Gabrielle?"

"By the gods, she does," says Gabrielle, "And if Seven of Nine butted in Xena would dunk her in a hot bath and hold her down till she short circuited or rusted out. Then she'd make Seven eat it."

They all look wide eyed at Gabrielle.

"The soap! Xena would wash her mouth with soap!" Gabrielle says.

"What's going on here, children? What's all this violence?" quizzes Chef, voiced over by Isaac Hayes.

"Cartman's picking a fight with Xena, who's mashing him like a grape. The rest of us just want to make sweet love to her like you say we should, Chef," explains Kyle. "But the butchy one with the fishing rod looks possessive about her Princess."

"Children... that's not a fishing rod. It's an ancient honored weapon, wielded by some of history's greatest warriors. When swung properly it will school you like a project bitch," says Chef. "Ask the butchy one to give you a demonstration."

The highhat cymbal starts, the bass lick rumbles, the wah wah guitar gets funky and Gabrielle begans to show what a staff can do, as the Theme From Shaft plays and Chef sings:

"What's the long hardened stick
That's a whup machine swung by a chick?
Ya damn right!

What is the stick that will break the neck
of any evil man?
Can you dig it?

What weapon won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
Right On!

They say this damn Staff is a bad mother...
I'm talkin's 'bout Staff.

Not a complicated plan
Just a whuppin' stick wielded by a hot woman

Unfortunately, as Gabrielle tries to end with a flourish the staff slips from her hand and whacks Joxer, decapitating him. The kids shout, "They killed Joxer!!! You bastards!!"
Xena nuzzles Gabrielle. "Hey butchy one, you look smokin' hot with your whup ass stick. Let's get out of here."
The theme from "Staff" replays as X & G head into the crudely drawn sunset.
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The Xena Rock Star Army heads to the land of the Amazons to visit old friends. Ephiny, Amarice, and Yakut are happy to have visitors. They introduce Jewel, a new member of the tribe. Xena asked how she ended up with the Amazons, and Jewel sings "Down So Long," describing how treatment by men and a life of thankless work almost made her give up living. In one last moment of desperation she ran off to the Amazons.

A big feast is being prepared and during a moment alone with her Bard Xena sings "You & Me = Love." During evening prayers Jewel reveals she's lived in a Roman world and sings "Jupiter" while the Amazons pray to Artemis. As the moon rises the tribe settles around the fire and Queen Ephiny speaks to them, imploring them to shake off the shackles of old ideas and to embrace their strength and courage to walk the path of the Amazon. Ephiny sings "Life Uncommon," the Amazon version of course.

"Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to the men you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead the Life Uncommon.

I've heard your anguish, I've heard your hearts cry out
You are tired, you are weary, but you aren't worn out
Arrive with your pain, with Amazons remain, we'll break that chain
Fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead the Life Uncommon.

There are plenty of people who pray for peace
but if praying were enough women would be free
Amazons enslave no one and courageous always be
Hear our voices ring out clear with sounds of freedom

Fill your lives with love and bravery
and you will lead the Life Uncommon."

Xena is starving and jumps into the song with an aside to Gabrielle, "How 'bout we fill our lives with steak and gravy? That would be a Meal Uncommon."

Everyone is inspired by Queen Ephiny's exhortation to live strong, be courageous, and to care for one another. When she asks them, "Are you up for it? Can you walk this path? When a sister needs encouragement what do you tell her?"

The episode ends with a full cast chorus rocking upbeat rendition of "Yes U Can!"

"Say hello 2 the tribe where hope is soarin'
Where despair gets beat 'cause hearts are roarin'
Where the word is 'courage' 'cuz we're sayin'
Yes U Can! Yes U Can! Yes U Can!"

C'mon all, don't be shy... perhaps there's a Scroller who's a big KT fan? who's got a K???
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i really enjoyed your take on the "Shaft" song, Brian!


Rahl, Ardra and Cervik call in X&G to rescue their daughter Vanessa/Pilee who has run-off to become a Kiss groupie.

"It must be the resemblence between the Kiss make-up and the Horde's", quips Gabrielle, as she starts to sing "Strutter".

Rahl believes Kiss stands for Kids In Satan's Service. But as they near the concert by the river, X&G learn that Kiss stands for Kids In Salmoneus' Service. Pilee isn't a groupie- no- she's worse- she's a street teamer! Eek

"B-b-but Xena!" pleads Salmoneus. "It's all legal & fun! Kiss is a classic rock band that needs that push by youngsters to stay in the public eye. Where would you be if Gabby didn't have her scrolls and go on-line to all sorts of forums pushing your stories, hmmmm?"

"Well ya gotta point there, Sal." replied the warrior P. "You might have some of these kids wear Horde make-up to make sure the Horde don't sue for trademark infringement. Besides, it was Gene Simmons who taught me how to do those fire breathing stunts back when me & my pal Beth caught them in concert in Amphipolis."

X&G head back to tell Pilee's folks that she's okay, but Gabby is steamed along the way. She discovers that the song "Beth" was written about Xena's old gal-friend from Xena's point of view.

Once away on their own, camping at nite. Xena hopes to make things up with Gabby.

"Look what I got from Gene" She takes the artifact from the saddlebag.

"By the Gods, Xena! It's a rubber duplciate of Gene Simmons's extra long tongue! What a odd toy. What are you going to do with tha-"

*credits roll before the show gets an R rating*
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Xena...Warrior...Led Zeppelin

Xena approached her camp. She saw a long brown haired beauty playing bluegrass on a fiddle while Gabby danced a hoedown. Gotta teach that girl some musical taste, thought Xena disgustingly.

"Xena, this is Alison Krauss. Her musical partner, Robert Plant, has been kidnapped by former band mates of Led Zeppelin. We have to get him back. Okaysy waysy?"

Though Xena was a sucker for Gabby's baby talk- and who wouldn't be?- she had to draw a line.

"Yeah well Led Zep are the only Britannia rock gods I ever came close to worshippin' & bluegas makes my stomach fizz," replied the warrior P.

X&G started arguing about music & rock gods. Alison piped in: "Gals, ya'll can argue later. We gotta be burnin' daylight & get Robby back cuz ah got a gig in Atlantapholis tomorrow."

Xena reluctantly agreed to get "Robby" back for the southern belle (the cutesy southern accent might be making Gabby drool but it was making X's stomach crawl -more so than a dozen blueberry muffins). Xena would also answer Alison's own songs, such as "Goodbye Is All We Have" & "When You Say Nothing at All" with some Led Zep classics, like "Living Loving Maid (She's Just a Woman)" & "Dazed & Confused".

"Oh "Dazed & Confused". Good one, Xena. Sounds like Jooxer's real theme song. Ha ha" mocked Gabby.

Xena had enough of Alison & Gabby's hillbilly-fest. She left early to retrieve Robert. She snuck past security into the Led Zep reunion tent.

"MMMmmm Jimmy Page." she whispered to herself. "Even at his age he's still got it"

Then to Page as John Paul Jones & Jason Bonham entered the VIP tent. "Sorry boys, I am a big Zep fan but ya gotta give Robert over to me."

Page looked over at Plant, tied up in the corner as he refused to reunite with the band. "Ten Years Gone since we last met, Xena. It was the Battle of Evermore which was Over the Hills and Far Away from here. But I won't Ramble On. I Thank You for being our security then & stoppin' Ozzy from ruining our show. There was no Communication Breakdown then, so please let us be, and I wish you a Whole Lotta Love-"

"Alright already with the song titles!" Xena snarled. "I prefer Zep over Krauss but she's his future, you're his past. And regardless, the Song Remains the Same heh heh. Besides, if you don't let him go, I'll make sure a Greek Idol contestant takes over vocals on Zep!"

Robert Plant reunited with Alison, and Gabby persuaded Xena to see the concert that night. Xena apologized to Gabrielle cause she knew it was right for Plant to choose his own path. Even if it was with some hick babe.

"I knew you'd go for the greater good, Xena." said Gabby. "You're my Stairway to Heaven. Dancing Days have been with us from The Ocean to Kashmir Since I've Been Loving You and-"

"Awrighy Awready with the song titles! Now get some sleep or Your Time Is Gonna Come!"

*No aging rock stars were hurt in the making of this episode. However, some egos were injured."
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This one is so good, I called my friend Jennifer Connolly to come over and read it. She said, "That XC is soooooo witty and cool and ALL that...I'm irked though that irritating blonde is trying to be his new XC Wife."

Absolutely spot on, XC. And I kept meaning to put a disclaimer on some of these and then I'd forget. Thanks for getting one in there.
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Warrior...Princess...Lucy Lawless

"Stand back," the lead scientist warned, "it's going active now."
Lights and buzzers and flashes and then a poof!
Reposed upon the lab tables were Xena and Gabrielle. Naked. Professor Itla, 6' tall, red haired, wearing dark lab glasses, gazed upon her great experiment. "Damn that's sexy. I could stare at this all day, but I have too much work to do. XenaScrollers!! Bring sheets and cover them."
"No!" replied the XenaScrollers in resounding unison. Her amateur crew of assistants was totally rapt with the appearance of their heroic duo.
Professor Itla squared off and barked "Do it!"
"No!" came the chorus once more. The scientist bumped their heads together, a la 3 Stooges fashion, then in one long sweeping slap connected on all of them. "Get the sheets! Or you'll never see them again!"
The XenaScrollers fetch sheets and nourishment and drape the Grecian lovelies.

Xena and Gabrielle are sitting on the edge of the lab table, drinking Cokes and eating french fries.
"This stuff is weird," says Gabrielle. "All these bubbles make you want to burp."
Xena looks up, opens her mouth and thunders a belch that echoes off the walls of the lab.
"Yeah, it does," she says unabashed.
"Wow," says Brian, the bespectaled male XenaNerd. "Now that's a Warrior belch."
"Hey GlassEyes, get over here." Brian, the male XenaNerd approaches, Xena grabs his collar and pulls him close. "Quit trying to peek under Gabrielle's sheet or you'll have no eyes at all." She does a quick headbutt and knocks him out. "So...where are we? why are we here? And how'd we get here?

Professor Itla explains they have been brought to the future; to bring inspiration to a world's generation that seems to have forgotten the Greater Good, a population rife with the "Me first!" and "Where's mine?" attitude. The XenaScroller assistants all exclaim the need for a renewed devotion to bringing justice and peace to the world, to supplant the rampant evil with selfless sacrifice.

"Crap. We were doing that in Greece. Is that the only gig you got going here?" Xena complains, then barks another belch. "We're a Rock Star Army now. Can't we play the Coliseum or something?"
"Lila997, Xenacrazed, Argeaux...fetch the resource material we've gathered and take it to the media room. We'll show them a little of today's world," says Itla.
The remaining conscious XenaScrollers leave on their appointed mission.

"Now that we're alone, let me show you the real reason you're here. I don't discuss this in front of the minions," says Itla.
"Good play, Sophocles, I wouldn't discuss dinner in front of them," Xena says.
"Why are you so rude all of a sudden?" Gabrielle asks. She puts her hand on Xena's forehead. "I'm afraid there's something wrong with you."
Xena slaps her hand away. "Oh don't be irritating, blondie."
She turns to Itla, "So... start talking."

Professor Itla shows them pictures of Lucy Lawless, and videos of her singing on Celebrity Duets, at the Roxy, the Canal Room and at conventions. She plays recordings from Bitter Suite and Lyre Lyre. The musical collage ends with Lucy's rendition of "Come to Mama."

"By the gods, she's hot," says Gabrielle. "I'd do her."
"Look who's being rude now," says Xena. "Ungrateful little snot, after all I've done for you."

Professor Itla explains Lucy has been claiming to be a reincarnation of Xena, and shows them shots from XWP.
"I don't believe her. I think it's really Alti pulling a trick. Look what else I've found out," Professor Itla plays a clip of Lucy Lawless talking about Blood and Sand. "In a few months she'll be working for Rome, helping run a gladiator school, and plotting against Spartacus. Does that sound like Xena Reincarnate to you?"

Gabrielle and Xena lean in close and discuss.
"She's right. It can't be a reincarnation of you, not working for the Romans. And with a name like 'Lawless'? Why doesn't she just call herself 'Warlord' for Tartarus' sake? She may not be Alti, but she's definitely evil and should be stopped," says Gabrielle.
"Probably," answers Xena. "On the other hand... how about we ditch this Rock Star Army thing and go with her? Let's get out of this crappy thread and these amateur scenarios with these has-been musicians."
"Yeah, it's definitely an old old fart writing the scenes. The bands are really ancient," agrees Gabrielle.
"I mean that could be a dream life... training gladiators in the morning, boffing them in the afternoon, and then you and I together all night." Xena says with wistful persuasion. "Whaddaya say? You even admitted she's hot."
"Only because she looks like you. And we can't quit the Rock Star Army, we're only halfway through the alphabet. Well depending on which alphabet they're using. Ancient Greek had 24 letters, the Phoenicians 20 and of course Linear B and Mycenean were different entirely. Thank Zeus they're not using Egyptian heiroglyphic or this thread would last forever. Talk about an eternity in Tartarus."
Xena brushes the hair away from Gabrielle's forehead. "You're so beautiful when you talk all that Bard stuff."

"Ahem. Hate to break up the lovefest." Professor Itla shows them a newspaper clipping. "This Lucy Lawless is appearing on a talk show tonight a short distance from here. After that she travels halfway around the world to the gladiator school. We should kill her tonight. It will be our best chance."
"Let's do her tonight then," says Gabrielle.
Xena giggles. "Yeah, let's."
Gabrielle rolls her eyes and then turns to Professor Itla. "We'll need weapons."
"I have plenty. Modern ones you'll be impressed with." Professor Itla leaves to procure weapons from her inner lab.

The XenaScrollers come in nervously. "Um, we were waiting in the media room. You never showed up. What's going on?" says Lila997.
"Do you need more Coke?" asks Argeaux. "Or something else?"
"Shall we order a pizza?" asks Xenacrazed.
Suddenly Brian bolts upright from the floor. "Wait!! there's great danger afoot!!
"Danger afoot??" asks Xenacrazed. "Which board are you living on? This is the Xena Scroll, jackass, not Sherlock Holmes."
"Right." Brian continues, "um... by the gods, we'll all be crucified and sent to Tartarus!"
Xena and Gabrielle look greatly alarmed. "What are you talking about?"
"Let me get closer and explain before Itla comes back." Brian crawls closer, sits at their feet and begins to breathe heavily. Gabrielle kicks him in the chin.
"Perv! Quit looking up Xena's sheet!" Gabrielle scowls.
"Ouch...sorry." Brian turns to the Scrollers. "It's up to us to save Xena and Lucy Lawless. I was pretending to be knocked out by Xena's headbutt and overhead Professor Itla telling them Lucy is evil."
"Pretending to be knocked out?" asks Xena, giving him a glare through narrowed eyes.
"Er... I was knocked out. Cold. Cold as the top of Mt Olympus. But when I woke up I heard the professor telling them to kill Lucy so she wouldn't plot against Spartacus in Blood and Sand. Itla made it sound as if it's a real school, not a tv show. She wants them to kill Lucy tonight when she appears on Entertainment Tonight."

Professor Itla arrives, carrying assault rifles. Lila997 jacks her one in the jaw, sending her sprawling. Argeaux grabs the guns while Xenacrazed grabs Itla by the red hair and yanks off the wig and dark glasses, revealing a dark brunette with even darker eyes.
"Alti!!!" they all exclaim.
"Oh curse you all! such shallow stupid fools... you could have all been the Destroyers of Nations, Captors of Lost Souls, Rulers of the Known World, and Deleters of endless idiotic Xena threads. Instead, you'll all see what's in store for you!!! " Alti jumps up and runs out of the lab. The XenaScrollers look to Xena and Gabrielle.

"Aren't you going after her?" asks Lila997.
"Excuse me, I'm topless," says Gabrielle.
"Not worth the effort. I'm sick of killing that bitch. She never stays dead." Xena yawns. "It's time for a nap."
Xena and Gabrielle repose upon their respective slabs. "Wake us when Celebrity Duets comes on. I want to see if Lucy wins."
"Of course she wins," exclaims Gabrielle. "She's the best by far and away."
"Remember where we are," says Xena. "No telling how they value things nowadays."
"I'll stop her," exclaims Brian in a heroic voice. "I'll show you a real Warrior in action."
Xena gives him a bored glance and says flatly, "Yeah, right."
Brian darts for the door, slips on spilt Coke and lands against the activation switch. Lights and buzzers and flashes then poof! The heroic duo have disappeared.

The XenaScrollers stare agape in disappointed disbelief.
Finally Argeaux speaks. "Nice play, Aristophanes."
"Oh nutbread," says Brian.

The credits roll, and then a disclaimer:

No XenaScrollers were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Posts: 207 | Location: Tennessee, USA | Registered: 23 June 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Originally posted by Brian:

This one is so good, I called my friend Jennifer Connolly to come over and read it. She said, "That XC is soooooo witty and cool and ALL that...I'm irked though that irritating blonde is trying to be his new XC Wife."

Absolutely spot on, XC. And I kept meaning to put a disclaimer on some of these and then I'd forget. Thanks for getting one in there.

Thanks for the kind words, Bri! Yeah Jen Con is always irked when a new wife comes on the scene so i guess i best put her pic in the sig pic next time round.

Yay XenaScrollers! Alti is no match for us.

Pizza and a topless Gabby *paradise found, sigh*
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Xena...Warrior...Paul McCartney

On a dusty road somewhere:

"My favorite Beatle was John. He sang "Give Peace A Chance", my favorite song. Despite so many people questioning their relationship, he remained with Yoko. I like that", said Gabrielle.

"Yeah well I'm partial to George myself", Xena said. "Besides the music, he was into film -er plays, and car -er chariot racing, gardening, and he had the vision to start his own publishing company separate from the others so no greedy mongrel would end up owning his songs. He introduced Eastern instruments and sounds into popular music and was a pioneer of electronic music. He had many skills."

"I like Ringo", added Joxer. "He beat on drums. He lived in a Yellow Submarine and got by with a little help from his friends."

Minya smiled. "Ah the cute one. When Howar sang "My Love" to me, it was the beginning for us. So for me it''s Paul! Look! It's Paul McCartney! It's really him!"

Below them, Paul & friends were in a ravine, cut off by rockslides, being attacked by barbarians. Xena backflipped down the rocky hill while the others climbed down on a vine that Gabby had tied to a boulder. By the time they arrived, Xena had clobbered the barbarians & saved everyone unharmed.

"Blimey Xena. You saved me & me mates. Whatever can I do to bloody repay you, just name it", said Sir Paul.

"Well there are a couple things. Before we leave, while your men are clearing rocks, I'd like for to sing whatever Minya requests. She's a big fan of yours. Then, then I have a personal favor to ask since you pretty much know all the big names in the music biz". Xena whispered her request to Paul.

Paul whistled for a couple roadies. "Get me pigeons & send these messages quickly now. Have me Uncle Albert find these two fellas & have Admiral Halsey get them to Amphipolis ASAP." The roadies hurried off.

"OOOooo OOOooo Admiral Halsey!" exclaimed Joxer. "I bet he lives in the Yellow Submarine and they float around the octopus' garden. Can I go too? Huh? Can I? Can I? Yeee-owwwwch!"

Minya had grabbed Joxer by the ear to get him to shut up. Even more grateful for that, McCartney began singing Minya's favorite Paul songs. While he was singing a mournful "Yesterday", both Minya & Joxer were tearful over the ballad, hugging one another. They hadn't even noticed X&G had left them.

Some time later in Amphipolis, at Cyrene's inn:

David Bowie and Tony Bennett had just wrapped up singing Bowie's "Young Grecians" and Bennett's "I Left My Heart in San FranPotedaia". Now they were crooning "Heroes", dedicated to Xena & other Greek warriors.

Cyrene hugged her daughter. "Thank you so much, Xena, for bringing my two favorite singers here on my birthday. Not sure how you managed it but I owe you".

"You owe me nothing, mother. You forgave me my past sins & accepted me in your heart again. It's me who owes you."

Xena joined Gabby in the corner. "A perfect ending, Xena, to a small adventure."

"Well it ain't over yet." Xena nodded towards David & Tony who began the next number.

"Ev'rybody's talkin' 'bout
Bagism, Shagism, Dragism, Madism, Ragism, Tagism
This-ism, that-ism, ism ism ism
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance"

Gabby crinkled her nose, smiling, then giving into the tears. "Xena! My favorite song! Thank you for requesting it."

Xena looked at Gabby, thinking to herself, "Something in the way she moves,
attracts me like no other lover...
ah George you were a wise man."


No ex-Beatles were injured during the making of this episode but Ringo will need even more help from his friends now that Joxer is a fan.
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Xena...Warrior...Willie Nelson

On the road again...With Xena fishing nearby, Gabby was bent over, picking some berries for lunch when all of a sudden somebody pinched her tush! She grabbed her staff, swung it neath her tush-pincher's feet & knocked him to the ground.

"I'm so sorry", he said. "I thought you were Taylor Swift."

"Who are you, you dirty old pervert? You pinched me, you wait til Xena puts her pinch on you!" exclaimed a reddened Gabrielle.

The red-headed stranger was about to explain when: "That'll be enough. Hello, Willie, you old coot". It was Xena as she & Willie shook hands.

"Y-You know this pervert?" Gabby asked in disbelief. "I hope there's a good explanation".

"Xena, you & the young blonde gal are welcome to join me at my BBQ down the road. I see you caught some fish, Xena. You can fry your fish & ours there. Perhaps me & the young 'un can make amends", offered Willie.

"Willie, this is Gabrielle. Gabrielle, Willie & I go a long way back. He's a country singer. No, none of that hick bluegrass. He's outlaw country & that's just peachy in my book."

The three headed to Willie's camp where outlaw country artists & bands were singing the songs of Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Merle Haggard and Kris Kristofferson, to name a few.

Xena was cookin' catfish & having a great time with pals from her old army who were now musicians. Meanwhile, Gabby & Willie sat at a picnic table finishing off some BBQ & corn on the cob.

"Let me tell ya how Xena & I met. It was a long, long time ago..."

[[[[[[[Flashback! Flashback!}}}}}}}}}

Evil Xena: "Well who, or what, do we have here, boys? I say we string him up by those braided pig-tails & shove that bandanna up his-"

"Zena! Vat are you doing, huh? Zat is Villie Nelson ze singer. Let him go. I am making a treaty vith him & ze Texas cowboyz, you idiot! You'll ruin everything...again!" shouted Borias.

Xena snarled at Borias. "You & your damn treaties. Men, throw, er-I mean take Nelson to my tent. I wanna hear him sing- NOW!"

In Xena's tent, Willie sang, "On the road again, it's the Destroyer of Nations again, the life I love is killin & maimin' with Alti again..."

Xena rested against a bunch of pillows, smoking her water pipe. "That's pretty good for being made up on the spot. Got anything else that might interest me?"

"As a matter of fact I do. I see you like tobacco. I have something here in this bag which is a lot, lot more powerful than tobacco. Back home we call it weed. This is a mixture of Colombian, Panama Gold, & Thai stick. Most shamaneses I know love this stuff". Willie said as he handed the pouch over to Xena.

Xena smiled. "Ok, can't do me no harm, eh, but to make sure, you join me, too."


Xena sang, "On the road again, drinkin amazon blood again, chopin heads and endin lives is what I love to do with my friends...oooo I have no friends 'cept them fuzzy ones crawlin up the walls, & silly Willie Nelson, he my friend..."

Borias enters the tent. "Zena! You iz stoned! How did dis happenz? Oh I zee, Villie Nelson. Youz best leave. I'll make treaty through Waylon instead."

"Ah you leave silly Willie alone, Boreditis. Why dontcha go ride them horsyes ya like so well, you know, the Scentaurs, they stinky just like you ha ha ha ha ha!" stoned Xena laughed as Borias left the tent ticked off. Willie joined in the laughter, but secretly laughing at Xena who couldn't hold her pot.

{{{{{End Flashback! End Flashback!}}}}}

Gabby was rolling on the ground laughing. "And to think, Xena- still to this day- won't let me live down the nutbread incident. Oh my." Then to Willie. "I forgive you pinching my behind."

"Thank you, Gabby. I must say that yours is much finer than Taylor Swift's anyhoo."


After diner, Xena & Gabby waved goodbye to the outlaw country musicians & they hugged Willie as he strolled off into the sunset with his guitar.

Willie looked back, he'd become very fond of Gabby- and who wouldn't?- as he started to sing:

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be warriors,
Don't let 'em pick up swords or learn of baebarian stuff,
Let 'em be bards with a nice soft tush..."


No braids or pigtails were injured during the making of this episode but one tush was pinched on and off screen."
Posts: 10610 | Location: State of Insanity | Registered: 11 May 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Way to go, XC.

In my mind I had Paul McCartney scenario going, if it plays out maybe I'll put it in as a "P." Yours is excellent though.

I've been sick for a few days and haven't done any writing. There are some ideas in my head and I'll try to put them down on scroll soon.
Posts: 207 | Location: Tennessee, USA | Registered: 23 June 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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i love the paul mc cartney one...

willie is good too

Big Grin

keep em coming guys :P

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Xena...Warrior...Ozzy Osbourne

In a castle somewhere:

"Where is Gabrielle, what have you done with her?!" Xena demanded of Ozzy at sword-point.

"As the bloody Sabbath song goes, 'finished with that woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind'. You figure it out you farkin' bloody nitwit!"

Xena rammed Ozzy through with her sword, but was shocked to find he must be immortal. "You bloody twit! Discord made me the God of Heavy Metal, you can't bloody kill me! I am Iron Man!"

Ozzy smacked Xena so hard with his fist that she flew back against a castle wall, bleeding as she fell. "Bloody well right, Xena, ye gotta be on a bloody Crazy Train to fight me!"

Then: "I got your message, Xe-" Americe stopped as she saw Xena struggling to get up with the long haired madman crouched over her. "I'll kill you creep!"

But Ozzy reared up & bit off Amarice's head. "MMmmm tastes better than that bloody bat" he said as he spit out her bloody red skull. "Twas Mr. Crowley who taught me how to eat people's farkin heads right off their bloody shoulders."

Then he preceded to chomp on Xena's head. "I saved your pal, Xena, she's your weakness. You can't focus when she's in trouble. I have no soft spot in keepin' you alive, unlike the other gods."

Gabrielle, in another part of the castle, watched on a monitor in horror as her friends died. "It can't be true...why?"

Unlike other gods, Ozzy had futuristic machines in his home. But future stuff wasn't new to her. X&G had been to the future only recently. The Xena Scrollers, she remembered, & there was a computer nearby. "By the gods, I hope I can work this thing".

While Ozzy was treating his followers to a concert celebrating Xena's demise, Gabby finally found the Daily Scroll.

"Hmmm...a Xena forum...what is this?-Warrior...Princess...Rock Star. Brian, he was such a nice guy. How could he- no! it's that xenacrazed creep! He wrote this adventure. It's like that enchanted scroll I once had. What he writes comes true. Except he doesn't have me on the computer. I must be doing this of my own free will. xc has me naked in his bed after he saves me from Ozzy! Euuuuuwwwww yuck! But I know what I must do..."

Gabby painted some Mehndi designs on her legs & arms. Then she focused on xc's "mind". The state of insanity, she knew she must enter it. There would be the password to xc's scrolls' account & then she would correct this mess.

Entering the sicko's mind turned out to be pretty easy as it was mostly empty. Gabby got the password & sat back at Ozzy's computer. She knew the concert would be ending soon & her death would come next so she must hurry.

She began typing...

Xena...Warrior...The O'Jays

"People all over the world (Join in, ride this train)
Join in (Ride this train, y'all)
Start a love train (Come on, train), love train
All of you brothers over in Africa
Tell all the folks in Potedaia, and Amphipolis, too, Please don't miss this train at the station
'Cause if you miss it, I feel sorry, sorry for you"

Xena & Gabrielle were seated at a table watching the O'Jays give a fine performance. Nearby, Caesar was on his knees, proposing to Amarice while Ares was dancing with Minya, promising to be her love slave. The Djinn were taking turns each dancing with Najara while Hope was apologizing to Solan for killing him.

As the O'Jays finished singing "Make a Joyful Noise", they resumed with "Back Stabbers".

Xena turned towards her pal. "Tell me again. Why are so many of our friends here, as well as our enemies, who seem so goody-two-shoes that it makes me wanna puke?"

Gabby told her all about Ozzy, the scrolls, the sicko xc. "I decided for us to have a nice time without bloodshed. To bring all our friends together & let our enemies reform. It's the perfect world I've always wanted."

"Gabrielle, your instincts are usually right. But this Utopia, it's going to drive me batty! I need action! Adventure! Excitement!"

"Okay, alright." Gabby huffed as she brought out her laptop, "I'll change things...again...anything for peace -er violence."

Xena...Warrior...Ozzy Osbourne

In a castle somewhere:

"Where is Gabrielle, what have you done with her?!" Xena demanded of Ozzy at sword-point.

A buncha barbarians entered the room, swords drawn at Xena. Xena fought & killed them all.

Ozzy was about to run off with Gabrielle when she took out her whip & wrapped it around his legs, pulling him to the ground. She would turn him over to the local authorities.

"Well all's well that ends- what's the matter Gabrielle?"

"The letter O. I wanted to see the O'Jays but then I found out the Ohio Players are in concert nearby. Let's go see them. Okay?"

"Sure", smiled Xena. "If we can't ride the Love Train, let's take the Love Rollercoaster!"


If this episode made little sense, remember it came from the state of insanity where a mind is very injured.
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A masterful 3 episode arc. I love it.

XC, we may have to change you from XenaCrazed to XenaCreative.
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The Xena Rock Star Army has rolled into Melodia, and is staging Grecian Idol auditions to increase the size of their musical troop. Musicians and singers have descended from everywhere and finally the first potential candidate has taken the stage.

"I'm Olivia Newton-John," says a pretty blonde woman, "and here is my song."
She begins to sing "Have You Ever Been Mellow?" and after a minute Xena approaches and puts the pinch on her.
"Enough of that crap. Hey Gabrielle... you've been wanting to practice the pinch. Come over here a sec."
Gabrielle looks at the blond singer on her knees, gasping, choking, blood running from her nose.
Xena says "Just to make it interesting... I'll give you five dinars if you get the pinch off before she dies."
Gabrielle is in a stressful panic. "What if I can't get the pinch off?"
"Then I'll give you ten dinars," says Xena with a hearty laugh.
Gabrielle succeeds in saving the woman's life, only to discover all the other contestants have fled in fear.
"Now what are we going to do Xena?" Gabrielle says. "We've been arranging this audition for weeks."
"Change of plan," Xena says. "We'll find somebody. I'm starving. I'm heading over to the inn."

On the way to the inn they hear a beautiful baritone voice singing artfully, and soaring with an unbelievable range. They follow the source and find a man in dark glasses and dark suit, just standing and singing "I'm Crying."
"Not much for stage antics or flash, but what a voice. We can get him a costume and teach him to hip swivel," says Gabrielle.
"He's perfect, just as is," says Xena. "Find out his story."

Turns out Roy Orbison hadn't come to Melodia for Grecian Idol, but was just wandering listlessly, singing and crying over his lost love. Gabrielle calls for Aphrodite.

POOF! The Goddess of Love appears.

"Hey girlfriend," Aphrodite says as she hugs Gabrielle. "Love the new look. Red leather, black metal, streak in your hair... you could be an Olympian with that look. How's about we poof over to the agora and do some shopping?"
Gabrielle and Aphrodite do some matchmaking research on Roy. In the meantime, he sings "Only The Lonely," "Love Hurts," "Blue Bayou," and "In Dreams." Finally a wonderful woman Gabrielle has selected for him comes walking through the town square. Roy is mesmerized and sings "Pretty Woman."

The episode concludes with Roy thanking Gabrielle, Aphrodite and Xena for their help, and the entire Rock Star Army sings a version of "Pretty Woman" he's altered slightly:

Pretty Women, walking through out Greece
Pretty women, fighting to keep peace
Pretty women, stop and fight
Pretty women, make things right
Pretty women, it's all good with you.

Disclaimer: No Olivias were hurt during the making of this episode.
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