I don’t know why I’m writing this. I have nowhere to send it.

Where do we go when we die? Many great wizards have tried to answer that, and now one of the greatest knows for sure. So, how is James anyway? Has he told you what a wholly disappointing death you died? Really Sirius, we all thought you’d go out with more of a fight than that. But as always, it was your pride that allowed you to fall. I trust that Lily has pointed that out to you already.

Sirius,
I’m very annoyed with you for having left us like that. Harry seemed to take it even worse than I did. He wouldn’t believe you were gone, no matter how many times I told him. It’s funny, I never thought that I’d have to be the strong one in a situation like that. That was always your job.

He’s doing better now, I think. He’s accepted it (as much as anyone ever really can). The Order and I sorted out those Muggles of his, too – told them to treat him with the care that he deserves – but I know it isn’t enough. I know that they could give him everything he’s ever asked for, and it still wouldn’t be enough. All he wants is to have you back with him, to be there for him, to take care of him. God, I know how that feels.

I miss you, Sirius. I miss you more than when you were in Azkaban. At least then I could pretend that I hated you (only pretend). At least then, I could prey that you’d come back to me. But this time you’re not coming back, are you? If I can convince a fifteen year-old boy of that, why should it be so hard to convince myself?

Maybe if I send an owl with this letter, addressed only by your name, it will find you and you will know what it is I have written here. A part of me feels certain that you’d know it anyway (the same part that knows how you’d cringe at hearing such sop about yourself).

Where-ever you are Sirius, I hope that you are happy. And I hope that you haven’t forgotten us; me and Harry – the only poor sods who are foolish enough to truly mourn your passing. We will never forget you. I will never forget you.

Rest well, old friend.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Madogis,

Remus, my old friend,

Don't be frightened. Sit down and have a large brandy. You need one, I am sure. Did you take your potion today?? This is rather rash of me, sending this so close on the full moon, but you always knew how impatient I was. Still am.

Well. What can I say? You already know. I'm alive, Remus. I fell through the veil, yes, after Bella zapped me....and the strangest thing happened. Well...strange even for us.

These spirit beings, fairies I guess they are...I never did much in the way of prayer or ritual, Remus, too impatient again, but they do exist, i'm sure you know that now. They took me into their realm and...and healed me. With magic.

They have been watching me, watching Harry, watching all of you for years. They are not interfering however, well not until they are needed. Obviously this time they are needed.

I cannot die now, Remus. Harry needs me too much. Well...now that the Ministry of Magic has somewhat come to their senses, I mean to pay them a visit. I am tired of being holed up. Bloody Dumbledore, I don't know WHAT he is doing, I sent him quite a few owls already but he hasn't replied!! What is going on?

Anyway enough of this. I'm back and there's unfinished business to attend to. I am sorry I annoyed you, Remus...maybe I should have stayed put like Dumbledore said to do but...I jsut couldn't. I couldn't let Harry face danger alone, and Remus, I was happy when I was fighting by all of your sides. Happy. That was where I was supposed to be all along.

Things happen for a reason I suppose.

Well, I've hidden and healed enough. I want back in action. So Fudge will have to deal with me...any way he wants to but one thing is for sure. I will NOT go back to Azkaban without a fight.

Take care, Remus old friend. Drink your potion. I will come back to you when it's time.

Sirius.

Well Sirius,
I did take my potion. And a great deal more brandy than I should have when I awoke to find that you had replied to my letter. (I do hope there’s no trouble in mixing the two.) Where on earth did that owl found you?? He must have been a determined little blighter. Although, I can guess that already, seeing as how he willingly flew in here and left an envelope on the desk of a sleeping werewolf. Just as mad as the man who sent him.

What do you mean you’re alive?? I saw you die! I must say this does come as something of a surprise, but you should know by now that it is very difficult for you to shock me, Sirius. Now I truly have seen it all.

Of course, anyone that fell through that veil would have normally been killed instantly, never to return, but then, you’re not just anyone, are you Sirius? And you and I both know that you’ve never been normal.

So these “fairies”, did they say why they were sending you back? With everything that’s gone on in these past couple of decades, it hardly seems logical that YOU of all people would be the one they’d choose to restore. Yes, yes, I know in my letter that I made you out to be some wonderfully important person, but I WAS writing to a dead man. And really, a grieving friend, I would be a little biased.

Seriously though Padfoot, these spirits must be trusting you to do something pretty amazing if they went to all that bother. DON’T go and mess it all up by getting cocky again! And I know you don’t want to hear this, but staying put is probably exactly what you need to be doing right now.

If Dumbledore isn’t replying to your letters, then he must have a damn good reason. (Corresponding with a prison escapee is probably not the highest entry on his list of ways to keep on the Ministry’s good side.) In fact, I shouldn’t even be replying to you – who knows what kind of spies are out there waiting to intercept us!

Then again, if everyone thinks your dead, I don’t suppose there’d be too many people with their ears to the ground, waiting to see if you’ll surface somewhere. I wouldn’t have believed you’d contacted me myself if I hadn’t detected the distinct aroma of wet-dog smell on the parchment (werewolf senses do have their up-side on occasion). I dare say you’ll get away with that last letter, but in future PLEASE remember to charm things before you send them! The last thing we need is for word to get out that you’re still alive.

And Sirius, you know what that means. You mustn’t contact Harry – not yet, at least. You say those helpful spirits have been watching all of us? Well then there’s a good chance that there are evil spirits doing the very same thing, just waiting for anything out of the ordinary to occur. If you were to tell Harry that you were alive, his disposition would change so much that even he, with all his troubles, would not be able to contain his joy. Remember Sirius, he is still only a boy after all.

Harassing Fudge is probably not the most sensible course of action either. You know it would only cause trouble and, whether you want it or not, we don’t need it.

Please, for all our sakes, be patient. I know it’s not your greatest virtue, but try – for me. For Harry.

Stay safe.


Remus.

P.S. CHARMS!!

(sigh)

Remus, Remus, Remus.



You worry too much. Didn’t James always say that about you? Yes he did. No wonder you were the one Dumbledore made prefect. Not that you were very good at controlling James and me, for which I’m eternally grateful.



Remus, dear friend, I am rash, I’m impatient, but I am not stupid. I certainly did put a Protean Charm on my letter to you—as well as all my letters to Dumbledore. What it would look like to anyone who intercepted it was an advertisement for that wonderful potion Snivellus makes you. A new store in Hogsmeade that is selling potions and wants to make money off of YOU, Remus. Since your werewolf status is not exactly a secret, hasn’t been for awhile, they would know how to find you.



Yes, Remus. I tipped them off. Grimmul’s Potion Supplies is a brand new store as you know. Snivellus is one of his best customers. But I paid Grimmul good gold to keep quiet about that, not a WORD to Snivellus whatsoever! I still don’t trust that man. I don’t care what Dumbledore says. He stopped teaching Harry Occlumency. You DO not do that no matter how angry you are.



Oh, don’t get me started on Snivellus…



*cough* Not normal? That’s rich, coming from a werewolf. Well, Remus, there is a lot you don't know about yet that I would love to explain to you but unfortunately it’s hard to put in a letter. For now, just know that….that veil is not what it seems. You are SUPPOSED to think everyone who falls through it is killed instantly. Such is not the case. But for now…just know that my presense is needed..ALIVE….so that Harry will have help. There are certain spells, things that James and Lily taught me in case anything ever happened to them. You know how inventive James was. He was better than me on a lot of subjects in school. Anyway these are things that Harry must know in case he ever had to face Voldemort when he grew up. Well…they did not work for them, unfortunately, but thanks to Lily and her old magic, putting that blood spell on Harry, they may work for him. I know that Voldemort has his blood inside him now. He can touch Harry physically but hurt him? He tried, and every time he tried…look what happened to him. You remember that Lily used old magic to protect Harry. Anyone with her blood that he is in close proximity with(like his “dear” Aunt Petunia….grrr), will be able to protect Harry with Lily’s spell of mother love(even if they themselves have no love for the boy). Voldemort doesn’t understand love. It scares him. This at least I understand as Dumbledore explained it to me two years ago when we were corresponding while I was in hiding. So….Harry is protected by that much but it’s not enough. Not enough at all.



He needs me.



Remus, the faeries have been watching all of us because of Harry. Because of Voldemort. If Voldemort wins this, more than just all our lives will be destroyed, the faeries’ realms will be destroyed. Obviously they do not want that so they are going against their own rules and consorting with humans to help them. Voldemort wants all the power. He wants to control all the realms. And…if he overpowers Harry, he will get Lily’s power as well as his and Remus that will make him more powerful than we ever dreamed. This CANNOT happen.



Aside from what I told you….(sighs again), Remus I would think it would be obvious why I’m so “special.” I am the only one outside of you that was remotely close to Harry’s parents…and I’m his GODFATHER. Harry and I became extremely close because of that, closer than you and he became in his third year. He regarded me as the father or uncle he never had. I regarded him as a son. I still do. I always will. Remus, Harry lost his parents all over again when I died, and this time it was MUCH worse because of the fact that he’s older, with more understanding. He’s not a mere baby who was left in ignorance from then on until he was eleven. Such is not the case now. I CANNOT believe knowing this that you would advise me not to tell him, Remus??? Are your nervous Nellie ways getting worse with age? Remus, he HAS to know. I would charm it, don’t worry, but he MUST know. He MUST!



His state of mind was affected by my death! His hope was taken away from him. Remus, Harry is the only hope we have, aside from the faeries, Dumbledore, me, the Order….all of us trained wizards….without Harry we have NO chance. Because of the prophecy. Did Dumbledore ever tell you? I know because Dumbledore told me years ago. I would think he told you because you too were close to Lily and James. But…Dumbledore has a way of knowing more than we do and we all know why he “has his reasons” for things, even if we disagree…..



Years ago, in the Hog’s Head Inn, Dumbledore went to interview Sybill Trelawney about the position for Divination Teacher. He was not impressed with her at all, and was going to turn away, when suddenly she starts talking in a different voice, as if possessed, about someone born to those who thrice defied Voldemort, one born as the second month dies. And one will not be able to live while the other lives. Meaning…they MUST face each other off, Remus. Harry…and Voldemort. One will fall, and the other will stand. So you see…it is VERY important that Harry be clearheaded when he faces this. He cannot have the grief of my death and the GUILT that he obviously felt hanging over his head.



You may wonder how I know so much about how Harry took my death. Remus, normally the faeries do not share this bit of magic with humans, they just let them stay with them and become confused when they leave and discover that more time went by than they thought. YEs, it is months after I died now, but I only stayed with them for a week. But they shared with me all that was going on in the human world. It took a total of five minutes to share the last few days at Hogwarts…which was quite odd I must say. I saw Harry after I died. I saw his state. Oh yes, he seemed to come back to himself when he left Hogwarts, and he certainly appreciated what you, Arthur, Mad Eye, and Tonks did for him with regard to the Dursleys’. But Remus he never quite got over it and he’s still not. He is not filled with much hope right now. I think all of this has been more of a strain on him than we ever thought it would be.



Oh, God, I can hear Molly Weasley now, scolding me for treating Harry too much like an adult…that was one of my mistakes, Remus. He is a child and was never held and comforted like a child should be. Molly was good for that as of course she’s a woman and more of a mother to him than the likes of Petunia ever was. But I, I encouraged him to be like James. And look at what happened to James. I could kick myself for that. Really, I could.



Enough of that. It’s getting us nowhere. Moving on...



I’ve given you a lot to digest. I should probably let you go think about all this now. Please Remus….we MUST at least tell Harry I’m alive. Even if you tell him yourself. Or Dumbledore whenever he is finished with what he’s doing….



You asked where the owl found me. I am not far away, Remus, rather close to Hogwarts to be frank. I saw Harry get off the train with his friends….oh, Remus he looks so horrible, so upset. It took all my strength not to go running up to him as Padfoot. I think you should give me credit for THAT much. I’ve learned a bit from my impulsive ways…Bella’s attack on me was MOST inconvenient.



I can’t tell you where I am now. Just know this. I’m well hidden. And I am not transforming into Padfoot anymore. Too many people know of that disguise now, Draco Malfoy for example. His father may be locked up now, but he is not. I have no doubts that some of those Death Eaters who managed to escape(like(snarl)PETTIGREW….) would probably be in touch with him…child or not, he is obviously old enough to choose which side he’s on and perhaps in their desperation they may even initiate him early. In fact, I did hear hints of that at this pub I was in. It does NOT sound good, Remus, which is why it’s important that Harry’s mind be clear.



At any rate, I don’t think the brandy will affect the potion as long as you don’t drink too much. Just relax, Remus. It’ll be all right. I will come and see you as soon as I know that it is safe. Don’t worry, I’m well disguised, Padfoot or no Padfoot…there are other ways of disguising oneself. I’ll explain that later.



Stay safe yourself!



Sirius

Dear Sirius,

I am sorry to hear that Snuffles will no longer tread among us. James of course would be devastated; he did so adore playing with you. (Severus’ possessions made such good chew toys, didn’t they?) You’re quite right though – the black dog is getting a little too conspicuous. Maybe you should invest in some sort of potion to lighten the colour of your hair. How close did you say you got to Draco Malfoy?? I’m sure he’d be able to help you out with that

As for your whereabouts, well I shouldn’t have asked you that in the first place. All my worrying about being intercepted, and I go and ask you to reveal you’re hiding place! Most unwise. Your unexpected reappearance must have rattled me more than I thought, for you to be thinking more clearly than I.

I admit, I have always been the cautious one. You and James always rushing off to your hearts’ desire, and me, wondering how on earth I’m supposed to reel you back to your senses. My worries have not increased with age though, Sirius – age brings nothing but a stockpile of birthday wishes and grey hairs. It is experience that has taught me the intensity of the dangers we face.

I am proud of you for not following your heart this time. I know it must have nearly killed you not to go to Harry when you saw him. But you did the right thing. The boy doesn’t need that kind of confusion on his first day back in the world that he is somehow fated to save.

Don’t feel too badly for expecting more of him than seems fair (you wouldn’t be the first person to do so). He is James’ son, after all. But as much faith as I have in Harry, I am afraid for him.

We have both said it countless times – it is not fair that he should be burdened with such responsibility. God, if we had have been in his position at that age…well I’m sure that I would have lost you and James both a great deal sooner than I did. You thought trying to keep a werewolf from killing you every month was hard work – try keeping your best friends from killing themselves with every brash opportunity that presented itself! Still, I guess it is that same brashness to which I owe my life…and my humanity. If you hadn’t taken on the risky business of saving me from myself – if I had been left to my own devices – who knows what may have become of me. It is this dark thought which leads me to consider Harry’s position even more carefully.

Ever since you left, he has been different. He’s changed, Sirius. I thought perhaps that I was imagining it, but if you’ve noticed it too…

I am concerned that he is becoming desensitized to it all. I fear that if the pain becomes too much for him, he will simply choose to stop feeling it…choose to stop feeling anything. He has his friends to help him, of course, and the Order is doing what it can. But I believe you when you say that you were the one he was closest to. You were the one he truly loved, Sirius. And if through losing you he loses his ability – his willingness – to love, he will have no defense against Voldemort. All the good magic in the world will not be able to help him if he has forgotten where it’s power lies. I think perhaps this is why you were allowed to come back, to remind him of that, as only you could.

So then, it becomes clear to me that you should get your wish: Harry must be informed of your revival as soon as possible. I think to do it myself would be best. (I was the one that assured him you were dead. It seems only fitting that I should be the one to take it all back.) I only hope that he doesn’t hate me too much for keeping you from him for this long. You’d have thought I’d have learned by now – with all my experience – that keeping secrets from that boy is not a good idea. Just look at what happened last time.

I will send word to you as soon as I have enlightened him. Until then, I advise you to maintain your distance. I know, that will by no means be easy for you, but you must give him a chance to adjust to the idea of having you back. You’ve seen yourself how unstable your death has made him. I’m not quite sure how he will take this revelation. Happily, I’d hope, but he may be reluctant to invest in you again, so soon after being burned. I don’t mean that to be a criticism of anything you’ve done, you understand, just another of my many, varied concerns.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I worry too much.



Remus.

Heh. Malfoy, eh? Very funny, Remus. You WOULD have to remind me of that wretched day when my DEAR cousin Narcissa switched my shampoo with her blonde potion. I will never forget how James laughed at me when he saw the new blonde Hogwarts student. NOT one of my finest moments. I wonder how she likes Azkaban? Wicked thoughts.

But you always seem to bring humor into the most serious discussions...you always did it without being obvious about it. And then you continue with the most profound statements that almost rival Dumbledore. No, don’t laugh, I know I don’t often shower you with compliments, but Remus, you do center me. You always have. James invigorated me, but you grounded me. You two were a perfect balance for one as lost and flailing as I was and in many ways still am.

(sighs) Maybe you’re right about Harry. I do not like the idea of not being able to contact him, but you’re right, his state of mind is such that this needs to be handled with care. I’m grateful that you see the importance of what I’m saying. He must be told. And you are right, you are the one to do it.

I do hope Draco doesn’t give him too much trouble. We know Harry and how he always gravitates toward trouble. Now that he’s in the good graces of Fudge and Hogwarts, now that that BITCH Umbridge is good and gone….he does not need to get in any more trouble at Hogwarts. No distractions. Voldemort just thrives on distractions.

Which brings me back to Draco here. I am wondering…and this may sound strange coming from me with my tumultuous family background. I’ve hated the lot of them for years, and anyone to do with them, including Draco and especially that GIT Lucius. But…Draco’s still young enough to be impressionable. Has Dumbledore ever tried to reach him? I wonder if that is what he’s doing now, and why he won’t answer my letters? With Lucius always around and on the Ministry’s back, it was harder and Draco of course was always so influenced by him.

Still…if someone could make a difference, get to him and help him before the Death Eaters really corrupt him(You know of course that his friends are Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle….after my experience with Wormtail I’ve learned that you NEVER underestimate the stupid.) Their fathers of course, we’ve fought countless times, they are not to be underestimated. If someone could get Draco alone and just talk to him…inconspicuously…well I guess I’m thinking more of you, Remus…you know what it’s like to feel like the dark path is the only choice for you…for a time when we were young you were very afraid that no one would ever truly trust you…you even considered giving over, letting the Dark Ones tempt you. I will never forget the way James yelled at you…but he saved you that day. Damn Wormtail, leaving the conversation…and all that time I’d thought he was just upset by it…little did I know he already HAD given over!

God. Don’t get me started on Wormtail. I’m already worried about Snivellus…you’d have to be very inconspicuous when you talk to Draco. The last thing we need is interference from the teacher Draco looks up to most.

I’d write more but there is someone coming. I have to be careful now, there’s been lots of people around my hiding place…I’m rather suspicious actually. I haven’t gotten a good look at them as I dare not poke my head out. But if they’d only go AWAY, I’d ask the nice bird perched outside my window to send this. He’s very smart, I’ve been communicating with him for days.

Keep in touch, Remus. And fear not….Padfoot will frollick again. When it is safe. For now, I have been experimenting with other disguises…we will talk further about that when there are not so many people about.

Now, I’m going to charm this and send it.

Stay safe, my friend And give Harry my fondest wishes until we meet again.

Sirius.

Sirius,

I told him. I told Harry everything. He wouldn’t speak for a good while. There was this look in his eyes, almost like he’d been expecting this to happen. But it was not the joy that I had first envisioned. It was something more solemn than that. The realisation of another of life’s cruel jokes being played out at his expense.

I sent an owl to him, the night before last, and told him to use the Marauder’s Map to come and meet me on the Hogwarts grounds. I had to tell him in person. A letter, from someone that can afford to be face to face with him, would simply not do.

I told him to watch the map carefully and that if he saw anyone that shouldn’t be there – anyone at all – he was to turn back to his dormitory immediately. If he did not arrive to meet me at the time we had arranged, I would know to take that as a sign to leave myself. (Safety first, Sirius. Isn’t that what I’ve always told you?)

I was almost hoping that Harry would turn back from our rendezvous, for whatever reason. As the time drew nearer, I wondered if I could go through with it all. Yes, Sirius, I know we agreed, but it was certainly not the easiest of tasks.

A minute late – I had eagerly resigned myself to aborting the mission.

I turned to leave when I heard footsteps at my back, hurrying after me. I raised my wand, not knowing what to expect…and then I saw him. Harry, staring back at me with Lily’s disapproving eyes.

They were not the eyes I knew as his teacher, all those years before. They were not the eyes that hungered for truth, and for righteousness to prevail. They were cold eyes, empty and tired from having seen too much already.

He held James’ cloak at his side. He knew that he had been kept out of something, yet again, and that I had come to make a half-hearted amends for it.

I spoke to him. I tried to be calm with him – tried to hint to him that what I was about to say might be upsetting, but that (as I said) he had already guessed.

“Just tell me why you’ve brought me out here in the middle of the night.”

I couldn’t argue with his directness. I began to tell him.

You remember that Harry’s eyes were cold? Well I saw them warm to the mention of your name. It was not a kind warmth though, Sirius. I could have sworn that it was something closer to a fiery disdain. Perhaps he didn’t think that I deserved to talk about you as though we were friends. I don’t blame him. He has had a great deal of time to think on things. I was the one who held him back from trying to save you. I was the one that seemed so willing to let you go.

I told him about your letter to me. His face barely changed at all. I told him that you wanted so badly to see him – it was my fault that you hadn’t. (I know if you had truly been determined to put desire above reason, then not even I could have dissuaded you, but why should he be angry with both of us?) He turned away from me.

I asked him to say something, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t speak to me Sirius. Me – “Professor Lupin” – his favourite and most trusted teacher! It scared me.

I begged him again to respond. I would have taken anything – tears, yelling – a simple nod of his head…anything to know that he had heard me.

He finally looked at me. I was grateful for that. But there was such accusation in it that I no longer needed for him to tell me what he was thinking; it was written all over his face. I knew then that he hated me…hated us.

I began to consider that it was a mistake, my telling him like this. I realised how presumptuous I’d been, to think that I could prepare him for something that he’s already experienced a hundred times in his head.

He’s dreamed of this, Sirius, but when I told him that you were alive, I sensed a disappointment – like all had not gone exactly to plan. And then I understood: I was never a part of Harry’s dream. I was never the one you came to first.

I think it is time for you to speak to him. We may not have gotten the celebration we were hoping for, but I think it is safe to say that he still cares very deeply for you, for him to appear so scorned by a technicality.

You should contact him soon. Meet with him, if you can. Don’t be discouraged if he refuses you at first, as I am more than certain that he needs to hear from you. I think he may be rather hurt and confused right now, but at least he is feeling it, and that’s something.

I think it may be my turn to keep my distance from young Harry Potter and, for the time being, focus my attentions elsewhere…

Draco Malfoy – do you really think he can be trusted? Dumbledore lets me in on very few of his plans – he tends to keep people on a need-to-know basis, as I’m no doubt sure you are painfully aware. If he is trying to bring Draco over to our side…well. They say the whole Malfoy line has bad blood in it, but I seem to remember the Black name having that same stigma. For the most part it was true (and forgive me if I’ve gone to far, but I think you’ll agree). And then there was you.

It’s a cruel thing that people – that I – could have ever believed you to be a servant of the Dark Lord, but you must admit that it didn’t look good for you. Even without the “evidence” of Peter Pettigrew, most wizards, on the face of it, would have had cause to doubt your loyalties. You’re relatives being who they were, and that prank you played on Severus…True, not exactly the work of an evil genius, but there was malice in it, the likes of which I never dreamed a good wizard capable of. I still shudder to think what would have happened if James hadn’t made it right.

I know you Sirius. I know that, to you, it was a great injustice that I, your friend, was cursed to suffer the wretched half-life of a werewolf, while our worst enemy (things were so much simpler then) was allowed to go about his normal, mundane existence with no other troubles than the ones you created for him. I appreciate that sentiment – I do – but did you ever stop to think what would have happened if I’d actually KILLED him? (After the party, I mean.) Did you think what it would do to me, to have taken a human life? Not to mention the official repercussions…

We were kids then I know, and I don’t like to drudge up unpleasantness, but it goes to prove the point: a dark past does not condemn you to a dark future. Although we have gone through more than our fair share of rough patches, you have remained my closest and truest friend.

Draco Malfoy, despite his history, may yet prove himself to be a valuable ally. I know that he and Harry have had their differences, but I have seen power in Draco to rival Harry’s own. You wouldn’t notice it really, with the likes of Hermione Granger and Harry Potter to overshadow him both academically and practically; Draco has been somewhat slipping under the radar. However, unlike Hermione and Harry, Draco has not had much need to practice his magic beyond what any other Hogwarts student would (aside from the odd curse on someone he doesn’t like…remind you of anyone, Sirius?). I’d wager he hasn’t even realised his full potential. Just as well I suppose, given his current standing.

With Lucius out of the way, Draco may indeed be ready to hear that Voldemort’s ideals are not the wisest of things to invest in. I will do my best to feel him out, but I dare say this could be risky (why do I let you talk me into these things?); we mustn’t let him know too much. It could be that we are too late and the damage is done (I can only imagine what being brainwashed from birth about the evils of Mudbloods and Muggle-lovers must do to an – as you say – “impressionable” mind), but either way, it is worth keeping an eye on him. I’d be more than happy to do it.

Good luck with Harry.


Remus.


P.S. Sirius, I thought you looked alright as a blonde. James didn’t know what he was talking about

Remus

I’d thought I’d forgotten how to cry years ago. But after your letter….

I can only thank the powers that be that no lurkers were hanging around outside my hiding place…well I pretty much trashed it, threw everything breakable at the walls, you have no idea…I haven’t felt this crazy since James and Lily were killed.

And all I could do was laugh. Remember? I laughed. I thought I had killed Wormtail…my vengeance had been gotten, but all those dead Muggles, all of whom he killed…and I just stood there and laughed. It was so unbelievable….that was really all I could do. I’d shed so many tears for the friends we had lost along the way….but the two people I always thought would be constant in my life were James and Lily. I never thought they would be the first to go. Never. And I never thought Wormtail…God.

It was Wormtail I worried about first. I went out of my way to protect him, the way James did. Second to Wormtail, I worried about you. You already felt so alienated from all of us….

I remember when we all thought it was you who was the traitor. Will I ever be able to forgive myself? Sometimes I still wonder.

Now this. Now you tell Harry and all that pain just doubles back and turns on you. You did not deserve that Remus. I should have insisted on telling him myself. I let him down, Remus, not you. I should have stayed put, I should have listened to Dumbledore. I remember, it seems like years ago, the three of them, Harry, Hermione and Ron, shouting at me as I spoke to them from the fire. They told me not to come to Hogsmeade as Padfoot…Harry himself said he did not want me chucked back into Azkaban. I was flippant with him, Remus. I said he was less like his father than I thought…the risk would have made it fun for James. Me and my pathetic little childhood memories, made worse by being stuck in my parents’ house….I remember the look on Harry’s face when I said that…he looked so hurt…why did I do that, why did I gibe him like that? He became bolder and more foolish then, he did not work on his Occlumency lessons(not that Snivelous made it any easier on him), but he wanted to find out what was behind the door at the Department of Mysteries. He could not resist. He took that ridiculous risk to speak to me(you remember, you were there) from UMBRIDGE’S fire…about what he saw in Snivellous’s pensieve….Remus, I had given him Jame’s Two Way Mirror to use to speak to me. He knew he could have done that…but because of my flippant little gibe implying Harry was a coward because he did not want me to come see him in Hogsmeade and take a risk…he had to prove it to me didn’t he that he had James’guts…and that is what got him in trouble with Umbridge that terrible night I ended up “killed.” Well…at least Umbridge got what she deserved thanks to Hermione and her cleverness, I must admit even Lily was never that clever.
Still….so much has happened, and none of it good for Harry.

Now, when I have been aching to go to him for so long…I hesitate. After what you went through, after what I put you through. I am the coward I implied Harry was. I cannot do this…I cannot….

I must sleep now.

Two days went by since I began this letter. At first I just couldn’t focus, couldn’t think…but then the faeries started speaking to me again, shouting at me to get it together…and worse, even worse, Dumbledore did the same, spoke in my mind, bloody Legimens that he is, he was quite stern with me, I deserved it I know. I haven’t even been able to speak on what you said about Snape and that horrible incident at school, but I will…I know that needs clearing up, but Remus, I have had such a crisis of conscience lately…poor Harry, what have I done, falling apart, laughing, letting them think I was a murderer…why, why did I let them take me to Azkaban?? Why did I not escape sooner and get him??? And Wormtail, asleep in the bed beside Harry all those summers he spent with Ron…WHY???

Get it together, Sirius….

(Sigh). I found him. I cleaned myself up, disguised myself as an owl…(we’ll get to that later. An Animagus, if he works really hard, can turn himself into another animal, but it takes hard work….and yes I had help, faerie magic…thank God for Protean Charms, eh?)

…anyway, I disguised myself as a screech owl and delivered a letter to Harry…from Hagrid. Telling Harry to meet him at his hut, he wanted to talk to him. Well, that was Hagrid’s idea…and mine. I wanted his help in telling Harry. I wanted someone who Harry still trusted there with us so it could be less heated.

Hagrid and I have never been as close as you and I have been but….he loves Harry so much….he was almost like a second father to him, outside of myself and Dumbledore of course. He and I have been in contact the last two days. He agreed to help in any way he could. It helps that he never did anything seriously to get under Harry’s skin. There’s a grave difference between dying and keeping him from saving the one who is dying…and simply leaving a large giant in the forest for Harry to care for. Some people know about priorities. Harry is one of them.

Hagrid was a blessing, Remus. I had to wrestle with manly pride…I simply don’t know him as well as you or James or Lily so I wasn’t sure if I felt comfortable in case emotions ran high. Well…I had to let that go, Hagrid insisted I did because otherwise it would not work properly.

So…I disguised myself as that same owl and delivered yet another letter…to Hagrid…from myself. Harry was sitting there by then drinking tea. Well, Hagrid told him the letter was from me. Harry dropped his tea…and at that point, I changed from an owl back into myself.

Needless to say, it did get heated, quite heated indeed. Harry was furious, he lashed out, at both myself and at Hagrid but of course Hagrid being the size he is, Harry held back considerably. Like I said, Hagrid was a blessing, more so than Dumbledore would have been. I often wonder if Harry could have attacked Dumbledore that horrible day I was “killed.” I watched it from the place in the faery’s realm and shuddered. And now, Remus, this brings me to what I need to address with you. That day with Snape, leading him to you in your transformed state…and Harry, and the Dark Side.

When people have been abused by so called “family” as Harry and I have been, Remus, the Dark Side just goes to town. I’m telling you nothing you don’t know, you know that, why else would you have thought I was tempted? Voldemort feeds on that very thing. Misunderstood children, those rejected by parents or “adoptive” aunts and uncles….how else would Wormtail have been tempted away? We remember what his family was like, they were worse than mine, and they were supposed to be good? Thank God I had James and his family, or I may, yes, have been tempted….

God, I hate admitting that, Remus. Tears still fill my eyes when I think of what I could have become, could still become. The anger that drives me…it is all from darkness, from fear, not strength. I know this and yet…I can’t help it, I let my anger get control, it takes me to places I’d rather not discuss…and that is exactly what happened with Snape that day.

He of course was abused by his father, who also abused his mother. Well, I caught him in the act, I caught him trying to lace the pumpkin juice pitcher James, Wormtail and I were sharing…with a certain potion that he had concocted. It contained the power to control us, make us do his will. He always hated the fact that we were better at everything than he was. He wanted to excel, make us weaker, and to do that he would have to control us. He was always trying little stunts like this, but this time he had gone too far.

I got so angry. James of course laughed it off and broke the pitcher, AND the potion vial Snivellous had in his pocket. Wasn’t Potions always his best subject???

James told me to forget it. It was nothing, he kept saying. It was only Snivellous trying to outsmart us yet again.

But James didn’t understand. How could he? He’d never grown up with dark wizards!

I know that potion, Remus. I don’t even want to speak its name, it makes me violently ill. But that potion got Narcissa as a little girl…and she was never the same since.

It’s got the power to turn people dark who may have actually been on the side of the light.

Sometimes that happens with wizards. Squibs are born to two perfectly powerful wizards. Muggles create very powerful witches like Lily and Hermione. And…sometimes Dark Wizards create children who are destined to be on the side of Good.

Like Narcissa, and myself. She used to be good, like Andromeda and myself…but no, Regulus got ahold of her and fed her the potion…she was never the same…I hardly recognized her.

No, I don’t think that once you turn Dark you have to STAY Dark. But you have a bumpy road ahead of you. Especially if you’ve killed people as Wormtail has.

Wormtail.

Yes, I think that may have done it to him, Remus, that Potion of Snivelly’s. James understood some things even if he wasn’t as versed as I was about what dark wizards do. He went out of his way to protect me, and Snivellous just preyed on me because of my background….he so wanted to be me, it makes me sick even now. But when I learned that it was WORMTAIL that day…oh how I hated Snape, how I rejoiced in that revenge I concocted for him, that day I led him to you.

You’re wrong about one thing, Remus. I did consider you, that day. I really believed, and go on, call me naive, but I was always thinking of you, the man you truly are, the heart you carry…when you were a werewolf. We fought you, and yes, we were in our disguises but you could easily have ripped us in half so many times…me, a lovable black dog, you a WEREWOLF? Come on, Remus. I know the werewolf myth and legend that is actual truth in many ways. But I don’t know that I believe all of it. So many times you could have just swallowed Wormtail whole. But you didn’t, no you didn’t. Why, Remus? James, even he, a stag, you could have done him in with a single bite when he least expected it. As big as animals as we all were, you were an out of control werewolf incapable of thought as we were. You could have destroyed us even if it meant being destroyed.

But you didn’t.

Remus, you had your heart with you even at your worst, and that always held you back. I truly don’t believe you would have destroyed Snape that day. Scared him, yes, gone after him, but I was ready to rescue him in case it got too bad. It was only meant to scare him, nothing more, nothing less.

James only beat me to the punch is all. He wasn’t aware of what I was doing. He was so angry at me and I at him for interfering and distrusting me, we didn’t talk about it…but I can understand even years later why you would have suspected me of being tempted away by Darkness if I can do such a thing even to someone like Snivellous.

And I still can’t bring myself to tell him about the fact that I think…Wormtail drank some of that pumpkin juice before James got it and threw it away. If I told that to Snape now…I probably would kill him.

God. Maybe I am in danger of going Dark. I know Harry is….which is the point I was coming to with all this. I know it’s hard to hear, Remus, but I have this from Dumbledore, who after all is a Legimens….he knew, thanks not only to Voldemort’s influence on Harry, but on Harry’s pain from all he’d gone through…

We’re all aware that Harry may be losing his mind. Dumbledore is working tirelessly to save him so much so that he barely communicates with anyone, even Hagrid. So yes, I asked you to help with Draco because of something else, something I hadn’t told you. Draco actually sent me an owl.

He simply asked me what it was like growing up with Dark Wizards. If I ever felt scared, like I had to measure up. I think he actually still believes I was guilty of causing Lily and James’ death…and maybe he thought I did indeed “confound:” Harry as Snivellous said so long ago. But…you should have seen this letter…it was vulnerable. There was a genuine fear of Harry in that letter. It almost frightened me to read it.

So we all have our work cut out for us with Harry. But…I’m turning to as many sources as I can find. If Draco is indeed able to be saved, he may be able to help Harry before he gets as bad as Draco had gotten. Thank God Draco never caused anyone’s death….of that I am sure. Dumbledore told me this and if anyone would know, it’s him.

I am mighty curious as to what happened between Dumbledore and Snape to cause him to trust Snivellous…mighty curious indeed. I do hate the “need to know” issue. I hate it with a passion. But there’s nothing I can do about it.

(sigh)

It’s slow, Remus. In the end, after I talked to him, Harry did stop lashing out at me, and Hagrid. But he’s angry, so angry, and it’s hard to reach him. I don’t see the trust, the old joy, the love I used to see in him. He’s so angry, so sullen…he hates this path he’s on, he HATES the prophecy, and hates Dumbledore for not telling him sooner…and hates me for dying and for not being available to him for so long, so long….

We haven’t even discussed me coming out of hiding in full yet…we need to get Harry’s trust back before we do that…it’s so complex….

It’s a bumpy road. Hermione, tenatious as she is, is trying to help. The Weasleys and Ron are too, although Ron tends to acquiesce to Harry quicker than Hermione, Ginny and his mother do. It’s going to take some time, Remus, and I’m afraid we don’t have much left. There’s still more I have not told you which concerns Wormtail himself…and Fudge, and me….

But that will have to wait for the next letter. I’m weary, exhausted, and my throat hurts from crying…I need a drink. I need to get drunk and forget about everything…and sleep.

For now.

Then, tomorrow, back to the old grind….

Good luck with Draco, Remus. Let me know how it goes. Forgive me for such a scattered lengthy letter….then again, like the similar phrase you often use for yourself….I’ve been worse, believe me.

But rest assured….I am on the right path now, awareness is what is going to save us all. Harry will be all right. Like Dumbledore and I once said to him…the ones who love us never really leave us. They are always in our hearts. Lily’s gift is still in him. That will keep him sane in the end. Lily always believed in possible things others never did. I’m trying to keep her example alive…with all the help I can get.

Thank you, Remus for your support…keep writing. The letters help.

Sirius

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Free Madness,

Sirius,

Sorry i haven't written to you for a while. The truth is my writing arm's seen better days.

That hippogriff of yours, Buckbeak, I've been keeping an eye on him for you. It seems he's been keeping an eye on me too. I didn't tell him that you'd been writing to me - I didn't think you needed a giant magical beast flying into where ever your hiding spot may be - I thought it a tad conspicuous. Unfortunately, Buckbeak didn't agree.

He's not stupid, he knew something was going on. Maybe he could smell your scent on the letters (I really shouldn't leave them out) or maybe he just noticed a change in me after having read them. Perceptive creatures, hippogriffs - difficult to keep in the dark about anything, really. He didn't appreciate me trying it either.

Once I realised that he knew about you, I tried to explain to him that it would be dangerous for the both of you if he rushed off to try and find you. How do you really "explain" anything to Buckbeak though? Needless to say, he didn't quite understand the importance of him staying put. In fact, he got rather...shall we say "unpleasant" when I insisted that he shouldn't see you.

Some advice, Sirius: never take on a home-sick hippogriff - you just can't win. I assume he's on his way back to you as we speak. He might even be there by now, i really should have warned you sooner, but...

I would have fixed my arm magically but Arthur Weasly insisted that i give these "stitches" things a try. Seems he's been sweating on someone from the Order to be lacerated. You know me, Sirius, always happy to please...and I admit, I was mildly curious. I think I had it worked out in my head that it was good preparation in case i ever found myself being injured without having a wand to fix it. It's happened before... mornings after bad wolf nights, for instance. Still, I don't know where a werewolf would keep a needle and thread...

Anyway, this arm's kept me out of the game a bit. I'll still need some time to recover properly, I think. I know, I could still use magic but Arthur was so excited to see another wizard trying out Muggle technology, I just don't think I could bare to dissapoint him. *sigh*

I hope Buckbeak finds you in good health...although, if he does find you (and is still being unpleasant), good health mightn't last you too long. No, I'm sure he'll be fine with you. Either way, I wish you better luck than I had.


Remus.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Madogis,

Bloody Hell. That Arthur. Did the stitches hurt you? Jiminy Crickets, after what they did to Arthur back in St. Mungo's...I'm shocked that he suggested them to you. Still...I suppose he thought they'd work better on a hippogriff bite than a poisonous snake of Voldemorts....still, I would not have liked to be there when Molly found out. I must have been very far away, I didn't hear her shouting! Or maybe I'm going deaf??

Arthur will never tire of trying to use Muggle techniques to solve magical maladies will he? If he had his way, the muggles AND the witches and wizards would work together on everything.

God, the very thought makes me shudder. Those muggles ruined everything for us centuries ago. I can't trust them. What, trust the Dursleys with this stuff? Not on your life!

I've not been able to see or speak to Harry since I told him. A lot has happened here, and none of it good. I was stretching outside of my hiding place, thinking that no one was around...when suddenly someone manifested out of nowhere...I must have jumped five thousand feet!

It was Rita Skeeter.

I remember that Harry told me she too was an unregistered animagus. But my mind was on so many things at the time. She was shaking in her boots, she said that I almost stepped on her!

I apologized...what could I do? But of course she was full of questions, and even took out her Quick Quotes Quill!

I told her I wasn't Sirius.

Should I have done that? I jsut don't trust anyone, Remus. I made up some cockamemie story about being some mad wizard named Stubby Boardman(I read the Quibbler, but I don't think Skeeter does) who likes to drink Polyjuice Potion and be whoever he wants. I told her that I had met Sirius Black while he was disguised in the Hogs Head. I was one of the few he'd trusted with his whereabouts. I took a hair off Sirius's head when he fell asleep drunk and...lo and behold.

Then I changed into an owl in front of her. That confused her. The Sirius Black everyone knows changes into a big black dog. Nothing else.

I HOPE she bought my story. I really don't need the Daily Prophet finding anything out. As you know, she got her old job back with them once everyone realized Harry was telling the truth, and she started writing nicer stories about him....

Still, that took ten years off me.

There's more, but I really can't say now. Yes, Buckbeak is here with me. I'm keeping him tame...you just have to learn how to deal with hippogriffs, Remus. Bow, again and again and if they don't bow back...leave them alone until they are in a better mood.

So. Tell me about Draco. Have you managed to talk to him? Take your time, Remus, I know your arm still hurts. I hope those stitches are agreeing with you. You so seldom complain when things are at their worst. I do hope you're all right.

If not, I'll have to have a few words with Arthur Weasley when I see him.

Sirius

Sirius,

I'm glad to hear that Buckbeak is with you. I was dreading that i'd open the paper and see "Rogue Hippogriff Finally Felled" *shudder*.

The arm's better. Itches every now and again, but I think that's more of a nervous thing than the wound itself. I caved in and had it attended to magically. You see, when Molly found out about it, she...well she wasn't too happy. Remember that Howler Dumbledore sent up to our dorm about your "prank" on Serverus? Well I think that was quieter. She fixed me up right away and uh...*told* Arthur not to do anything so foolish in future. It would have to be me he experimented on though. Of course his kids get into some mischeif and scratch them selves up a bit, but could you imagine the fallout if he tried something like this on one of them? I don't think his life would be worth living, do you?

Nervous - that's how I've been ever since you told me about your run-in with Rita Skeeter. There's nothing to be done about it I suppose, and adopting your owl form was a smart move, but the fact remains, when has that woman ever been interested in the truth? Fair enough, reporting that she's seen you actually would be the truth in this case, but even if she believes that you were some other wizard imitating Sirius Black (celebrity that he is ), the idea of you being alive and back in England is too good a story to pass up! I know it goes against proper morality, but it might not have been such a bad thing if you're boot had...acidentally slipped. No, of course I don't mean that...

I haven't seen any wild rumours about you surfacing in the Daily Prophet yet, but I doubt very much that Ms Skeeter would let something like this go so easily. However, her having held back this long suggests that Hermione must have gotten through to her about printing harmful lies. I'd wager her employers, with all the owls they must have recieved about it, had words with her too before allowing her back to work. You may yet be safe Sirius, but be vigilant. You can't afford for her to learn that her suspisions are right.

Now, you asked me about Draco. It's been difficult for me to get close to him. Dumbledore has Moody teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts this year, as you probably know. Even though we all would have liked for me to take the job (I miss teaching so much) none of us thought that the idea of a known werewolf at Hogwarts would have flown any better now that it did before. Moody's not too keen on the task either, but he did offer to do it as a favour to Dumbledore years ago, and now with that beast Umbridge gone, he's taking the chance to see that through.

I've suggested that we arrange for Moody to become "ill", for a few weeks between full moons. That way I can step in as a substitute with absolutely no possibility of being a danger to anyone and speak to the boy in person. I dare say that Serverus isn't too happy about the idea. I know you didn't want him involved, but he is a part of the Order, it is difficult to keep him out of the loop on these things, especially when we are talking about his favourite student. He suspected what I was up to and offered to talk to Draco himself. It might be a better idea. I think Draco would trust him a lot more than he'd ever trust me. Regardless, I want to be there when it all goes down. As much respect as Dumbledore has for him, I don't like the idea of leaving Professor Snape to talk to Draco on his own. As we discussed, the boy is impressionable, and if your suspicions about Serverus' loyalties are correct, then we can't affored to let him impress Draco with the wrong ideas. I'm not saying that I agree with you - I have to believe that Dumbledore knows a great deal more about these things than we do - but still, there is no way I'm willing to risk it.

It's a full moon tonight, which means that Moody shall be "taken sickly" some time soon. For now, I have to take my potion. Serverus made some for me this afternoon. I can at least trust him to do that.

Remus.

Remus

Well....I can't say this surprises me. Snivelous always was a nosy little git, always sticking it into things that don't concern him. Yes, yes, I know he's with the Order so in essense, this DOES concern him....I really have to get a reign on this anger, as well as the past...I still can't get over how he belittled me in front of Harry about not being able to leave the house or do anything "useful." Dumbledore sent me an Owl this morning suggesting that I bury the hatchet with Snape...he's of the opinion that these old hurts are only going to fester if we don't do something about them, work them out. In fact, he wants to send Snape over to me, he wants to tell him where I am. I told him under NO circumstances is he to know where I am!! But...I will think about talking to him someplace neutral.

I think Dumbledore was a bit disappointed.

Dammit, Remus, I wish I was as powerful as Dumbledore, if i was, i might even be as forgiving as he is, and as willing to give people second chances. I'm sure if Snape really blew it, Dumbledore would see fit to make him pay for it. Still...it's not easy to see things as he sees them. I still have not told him about that potion he concocted that I KNOW Wormtail drank. If I did....what would he say? Why am I even hesitant to tell him???

Snivelous was more dangerous than people knew. And although few people remember or will talk about what he did when he WAS a Death Eater....

Let's just say some of us are a bit more resistant to the Confundus Charm than others. Hopefully...

As for Skeeter, I have not seen her since. If she has not written a story about me...I think it's safe to assume she won't. I'm sure being stuck in a jar for a year cannot have been pleasant for her....she probably had no choice but to humble a little bit. And...she DId write a very truthful story on Harry for the Quibbler that horrible year with Umbridge. THat is to her credit, even if Hermione did kind of blackmail her....

Hermione is very clever. She will be very helpful to the Order when she's of age. I do hope she keeps herself alive throughout all this.

As for Draco, hmmm, well you do have the right idea, being present when Snape talks to him. I need to talk to him, I think. Find out what his motives are, if any. Maybe Dumbledore is right, maybe if we can get past the old hurts, we can really see where each other are coming from. Without the past interfering.

I'll have a think on that tonight. For now, I need just a small brandy to keep me going. Good luck with the full moon, my friend. I will be thinking of you.


Sirius

Sirius,

That owl of yours woke me up. I might have been a bit affronted if it wasn't for the fact that is was nearly 5pm. I slept the entire day. I haven't done that since we were teenagers. Well, except for that day on the train, but you know I'm useless at long-distance travel when there's a soft spot to curl up. I can't help wondering what I might have done last night to tire myself out.

I took my potion, locked myself in my room as always, and waited for the moon to pass. I was still here when your owl woke me so I couldn't have gotten up to too much mischief. And yet... there was an odd sort of a taste in my mouth when I regained my human faculties. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. I'd have known if it was blood of course, but it certainly didn't taste like ink or old parchment (not even the corner of a well-chewed desk), so where on earth did it come from? The only way I can think to describe it to you is cinnamon mixed with old leather... where on earth...?

Molly must have left me somthing to eat, and I had it without realising. She said she looked in on me at around midday, but she thought it was best to leave me to rest. Leather though...very strange. (Maybe she let Authur do the cooking ).

I'm sure it's nothing; probably a phantom sensation. The combination of everything that's been going on in my head lately and a wolf night must have just knocked me about a bit. Maybe my body sought to take advantage of being completely thoughtless for a few hours and that's why I was out for so long. Lord knows I haven't been able to sleep properly otherwise.

I'm not convinced that Ms Skeeter is through with you. Her kind are skilled at catching people when their guard is at it's lowest, even one as secretive as you. Don't make the mistake of getting caught with your pants down, so to speak. And remember to keep a low profile if you do happen to go out in disguise. The Prophet ran a story today about an old witch who was scared to within an inch of her life when a stray dog knocked over her bins. Mass paranoia can lead to even the most trivial thing darkening up a slow news day. Like I said, skilled.

The plan with Moody is going ahead in three days. Hagrid has arranged for him to have a run-in with something deadly. I didn't ask for specifics - I don't like the idea of Mad-eye being thrown to one of Rubeus' "pets" on my account. Dumbledore assures me that nothing too serious will happen to him and that it's all been choreographed very specifically so that there can be no mistaking that the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is in fact out of commission. Draco Malfoy is not the only Death Eater decendant at Hogwarts; there are dozens of small eyes watching very carefully for anything out of the ordinary to happen at the school. Hopefully it won't raise too much suspicion if Moody is truthfully incapacitated, and I step in as the only one willing and able to replace him.

In any case, I think it will be good for me to have something else to focus on for a while; the first few days I'm back at Hogwarts shouldn't be anything more than teaching. We don't want to rush into things with Draco, and we can't let the other children's studies be compromised by our affairs, can we? I wonder what Moody's been teaching them...hm...what ever happened to that Grindylow I had? Maybe I could find it before thursday...

There is Harry to think of. I haven't forgotten him, but I also haven't spoken to him in a while. I've neglected him for far longer than I should have, I'm afraid. But that's another matter, one I'm not sure I'm ready to think about right now. I'll cross that fraying rope-bridge, suspended over a thousand foot chasm when I come to it.

Remus.

Remus

Cinnamon mixed with old leather. Why do I get a whiff of a rat? And I don't mean Wormtail...I hope.

That worries me...not that I"m afraid you've eaten any people, Remus, not at all, like you said, you'd know wouldn't you? But so help me, if Snivelus slipped you some funky potion while you were in your wolf form.....

All right. I've been holed up a bit too long. You know how I get when I'm like that. Paranoid, edgy...but this time I have rather good reason.

I did try, as Dumbledore suggested, to make nice with Snape. For the Order, for Harry, for you. That's what I kept telling myself. And...I was rather nice, well nice for me. I didn't tell him I wanted to be his best buddy and have him over for sleep aways, but I did try to be...well...cordial. I even told him I acted rashly when I sent him to where you were that time...well. THAT was a mistake. All THAT did was remind him...should have left it alone, I know.

He sent me an Owl telling me I was mad and should have stayed in Azkaban, that he didn't care that I was innocent, I could have killed him and the fact that I almost did made me a true descendant of the House of Black. He even hinted...yes he did...that he might tamper with your potion a bit.

Well. You can imagine MY reaction to that.

Shortly before I got within a few feet in the air, another owl came and collided with me...for a second i thought it was some mad female owl trying to mate or something, then I realized...oh NO....Dumbledore had sent me a Howler.

That bleeding owl took advantage of my shock to grab me by the neck with his beak and fly me BACK into my hiding hole. BLOODY hell. THEN, he took off, after giving me a rather affronted look. AND leaving the Howler behind.

I only ever got one Howler from Dumbledore before. Let's just say...they are not pleasant. I can only imagine what Petunia Dursley went through hearing hers...I could almost feel sorry for the wench.

Almost.

The Howler was short and to the point....just like his always are...but DEAD powerful.

"STAY!"

Unbelievable. He talks to me like I'm a dog...wait, I am a dog. Sort of. Oh bloody hell.

But...I WANT to know what he's doing about Snape or about you...sorry but that cinnamon and leather thing...I'm writing Dumbledore immediately. If I have got to live like i did before I died...I at LEAST have a right to know what is going on!

At least you are kind enough to keep me fully abreast. Thank you for that. Your plan with Moody and Draco sounds excellent. Hagrid...I don't think I'd want to know either what creature he will set upon Moody. I do hope it's not too fierce though...we all know how paranoid Moody is. We don't want him leaving Hogwarts...yet....

Although, seriously, Remus, I don't see the problem with you being there, even permanently. People know you're a werewolf, and maybe some parents have nervous stomachs about that, but at the same time...I've heard rumors that you WERE the best teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts they ever had. Yes, even adults have said it, not just Harry's gang. As an owl, I've actually delivered letters(while disguising myself to hear and see things) to various parents and guardians, one of whom is Neville Longbottom's grandmother. She told Neville that had YOU stayed as a teacher he would have been even better, and Harry would not have had to spend so much time on him in the D.A. Although from the little I was able to glimpse at the Ministry...Neville did do quite well.

So think on it, Remus. Just think on it that's all. I do not think as many people as all that would protest. I know how you hate to disturb calm waters...but in these times, Remus...

Not that Moody doesn't know his stuff. But he won't stay there forever, will he? Just a year, he promised Dumbledore before....

Why am I thinking about a year from now? We may not even be alive tomorrow.

Remus, I have run into Wormtail once or twice here. His little rat face TRACKED me he did, which caused me to change hiding places twice. Not before almost killing him, yes in his form, I don't care. But always, he disapparated. Bloody traitor! I KNOW Voldemort knows I"m alive, trouble is, he can't find me and I think he's frustrated. I do hope you get a chance to speak to Harry soon. I want to know if his scar is hurting too badly.

He still won't speak to me. I've sent him all manner of owls....

I do hope your little cinnamon leather thing is indeed Arthur's cooking. Something innocent would be nice, about now.

I will write again. Let me know how it goes as a teacher again, and with Draco. Stay safe, Remus.

Sirius

Sirius,

Go. To. Harry. Forget owls, forget hiding, forget every bloody precaution I've ever demanded of you. If Voldemort knows you're alive then he knows he can use that against Harry. It will be just as easy as last time - easier! Harry thinks that you, I, and the rest of the Order are the only one's who know you're back. If Harry recieves some kind of distress signal from you now, he'll have no reason at all to think that it could be another of Voldemort's traps.

Jesus Sirius, I don't know that I've ever felt so sick and weak at a piece of news in all my life. No... that's not true... in fact, I suddenly feel a lot calmer in this situation after thinking about how trully horrific things could be... and have been.

Still, this is no time to be playing games. If you see Wormtail again, kill him. Don't try, don't think about it, just do it. I hope to God you never hear me talking like this again but if Voldemort doesn't already know about you then we can't afford to let him get that information. From now on, I suggest that you stay in your owl form at all times (except when you talk to Harry - you MUST be sure that he doesn't let himself be fooled by imposters). Leave your hiding place. Go live in the forest for a while as any unremarkable animal would. Kill as many rats as you can - don't even stop to wonder if it's him. No one will blink if an owl kills a rat, will they? You have to do it. I know you've wanted to. Well here it is, not only my permission, my encouragement, but my direct orders. Pretend I'm still a prefect or something; pretend you can't tell me "no." I'll be sure to set every rat-trap I can find in this place. Bait them with pumpkin scones or something. It's a shame to think of the innocent true rats that will perish through this, but Sirius, there's no way I'm letting him hurt you or Harry again, not if I can bloody well do anything to stop it. I can't stop shaking...

I had my first lessons today. I saw Draco. Harry was there but I scarecely let myself look at him. What would be the point of it? I'm there to do a job, Sirius, a job that's too damn important to be distracted from, now more than ever. I was this close to sending Harry from the room, just to be able to keep my focus, but what reason would I have? Angst riddled thing that he is, he's still the best student I've ever taught. And he knows the importance of keeping a low profile for all our sakes. Even if he is still holding grudges, he wouldn't let it show in a class half-full of Slytherins. He has more sense than that.

I wish I could focus though. I've had a headache for days and it's getting worse. Snape doesn't like the look of me either. He's offered me potions to help me back on my feet, but I can't do it. You've got me paranoid about him. If I don't settle down soon though I'll have no choice. I can't work like this Sirius. Jesus, I'm still shaking. Thank God I got you're letter now and not this morning. Can you imagine what would have happened if the children had seen me like this? Harry?? And God knows what Draco would have thought - werewolf AND insane (coward too, probably, trembling like a leaf). There's no way he'll listen to a word I say if I keep acting like this.

I'm almost tempted to talk to him sooner than planned - I can't think what will happen if I get any worse - but Snape's holding back. He thinks that, for one thing, I'm in no state to be trying to convince anyone of anything, expecially not something like cohersing a child into betraying his father, his family, and everything he's ever know. For another, he knows Draco much better than I do. He knows that the boy isn't ready for such a confrontation.

Anyway, it's late. I'm tired, and I have to be up early to read over Moody's lesson plans. I would have done it tonight but I couldn't concentrate. Knowing that Wormtail has found you... I feel sicker than I have all day. I think I might go bait some more traps.

Good night Sirius. Don't forget to kill every rat you find.

Remus.

Remus, Remus, shhh it's ok. Breathe, take a breath. It's going to be ok.

I'm going to Harry right now, in my owl form. I'll stay somewhwere closer, and better hidden. And don't worry, I'll kill those rats, I used to eat them, remember?

Not that i'd ever want to eat Wormtail. Even if it wasn't cannibalism....no.

I've got to pack...not that I have much to take with me.

I don't care how angry Harry is. I'll make him listen. I'll make him understand. Perhaps he can round up Ron and Hermione and they can help me kill the rats...no one has to know. Hagrid must be told of course, so he doesn't get upset if he sees it but...I'm sure Crookshanks can be persuaded as well.

Anyway enough of this. You need to rest, breathe easy, and for GOD's sake DO not take anything Snape gives you unless it's your werewolf potion. I know you don't want to think about Snape now, I kind of hit you with this Wormtail business, sorry about that, old friend. I was never known for my tact...that was your department. I was so angry at Snape it just all came rushing out. I didn't mean to throw you into such a panic. No rats have visited me since...but if they do, I will make sure they never visit anyone again.

I'm going to go now. I will write you as soon as I am there. I WISH I could visit you, my friend, I hate not being with you when you are so frightened. But....I'm too worried for your safety if Snivelus sees us together. I have a terrible feeling about that, after his letter to me. He has a crazy side that unfortunately has gotten stronger with Voldemort's return to power. No...it is better this way, us separate, communicating only by owl post. We do not want this to be more complicated than it is. It's bad enough that I have to risk Harry's safety.

But you are right as usual, it's too important. Thanks to that bloody prophecy....

I"ll write you as soon as I get there. Take care of yourself. Again I'm sorry for panicking you so.

Sirius

Remus

Everything's ok, like I promised. I made it.

It is, as I hoped. Harry is understanding now and willing to trust me, talk to me. Now he has a cause to work for again, some place to CHANNEL his anger. Now that he's got me back, nothing and no one is going to take me away from him again.

That is both a blessing and a curse. Dumbledore is predictably worried, as are Harry's closest friends. Yes, i had him tell them of my presense, even though I am NOT changing from an owl to a human in front of anyone but Harry. Just like you asked.

I'm somewhere near Hogwarts. Hagrid suggested I stay with him but in no way am I placing him in danger. Harry and ESPECIALLY Hermione agree with you about Rita Skeeter. Matter of fact, Hermione is testing the waters right now, sending her an owl reminding her of her promise.


A few rats came around to where i was. I killed each and every one of them. Unfortunately it was NOT Wormtail. Harry, though, is a man on a mission again. He wants to be the one to catch him and kill him. Didn't he always regret his noble act back in the Shrieking Shack? Now, more than ever, he regrets that. He is thrilled beyond belief that you gave me orders to kill Wormtail. Has he visited you yet to apologize for his behavior before? I told him to. I hope he does.

I really wish I could see you, Remus. But the faeries still advise against it as do my own gut feelings. THEY do not trust Snape no matter what Dumbledore says. I saw him talking to Crabbe, Goyle and that Pansy Parkinson girl while I hid in the forest. They all looked like they were planning something. After all, Goyle and Crabbe's parents are Death Eaters. What do you know of the Parkinson girl? I never found out much about her....although I am sure she is pureblood if she hangs out with Draco's gang. Still....MY family weren't death eaters either until Regulus, Narcissa and Bellatrix...they just supported Voldemort and all he stood for.

Bloody hell. What a mess. I have to sneak into this hidey hole, and CRAMPED it is, so I can do my correspondences not only to you but to Dumbledore. I can't write as an owl after all. But...maddeningly, since your last letter, aside from those two rats? NO rats have surfaced....anwhere! What's with that? Have you seen any?

Anyway, I must get back to Rat hunting. Take care, Remus and stay safe.

Sirius

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Free Madness,

Sirius,

Appearances are not always as they seem. Snape mentioned something about talking to the people who know Draco best in order to evaluate how we should proceed with him. He didn't tell me exactly what he was going to do but...as I am, I'm not in much of a position to be questioning anyone too much (the forest does seem like an odd sort of a meeting place though).

Snape can see how edgey I've been about this whole Draco/Harry/You/Voldemort situation. He outright demanded that I take something to calm me down over lunch today but I refused. I publically refused him. I...I shouldn't have done that. It insulted him deeply, I could see it.

He looked at me like he hasn't done in ages. It was the same disgusted, "You are beneath me" look that he gave us the night of you're capture; like who was I to refuse him? It was even more withering for me now, knowing that he and I had been getting along alright lately. He's been almost freindly to me. I suppose i can forget about that now though.

It's strange, I think he actaully felt sorry for me when you died. He was cruel to Harry, but Harry is his modern-day James, isn't he? A James that he actually has some control over. It stands to reason that he'd abuse his hold over him.

Me though, I think Snape's finally realised that I'm not the diabolical mastermind that he once thought. Just an empty shell, really. A poor dumb animal to be pittied. Or put out of it's misery...

Dumbledore was there. Well, it was a staff lunch, wasn't it? Yes, I embarrassed Snape in front of all the other teachers AND the Head Master. And after all he's done for me with his potions. I know, it's on Dumbledore's orders that he does it, but still, how easy would it be for him to take advantage of both our trust and do me in??

Okay, so not that easy. Not with every faithful eye in Hogwarts watching him anyway. But what if they're not watching him closely enough? What if there's something that everyone's been missing...? There, I've gone and made myself sick over the thought of it. I just can't stop these paranoid thoughts from getting the better of me.

Why is this happening Sirius? Why can't I think straight? Why I can't I be rational about things for just five minutes?

I think my headaches are getting worse. It was not politely that I refused Snape. I almost spat down the table for him to keep away from me. But Dumbledore told me to stay calm and trust that Severus knows what's best for me. Madam Pomfrey's had a look too, but she can't seem to figure it out, other than to tell me it's "probably stress-related". Thank you very much for that insight

Dumbledore's told me to take tomorrow off, that perhaps I wasn't ready for the pressures of teaching so soon after your demise. That's what he said to the rest of the table anyway. I think they bought it. The truth is that none of us know what's wrong with me.

Mayby it is stress, but what am I supposed to do about it? I can't very well just turn off from everything. Go home and put my feet up for a day - I'm sure that's the helpful solution. Go back to your house and be reminded that you aren't there with me...

I feel like I'm dying Sirius, and that house makes it a hundred times worse (I don't have to convince you of that). I'm staying late at Hogwarts today just to avoid it's suffocating walls. I can't stand the thought of being there without you. Even with you, it was never the most comfortable place...or maybe it was. Either way, it doesn't matter. You can't go back there, not now that Wormtail is afoot (if he followed you to the Order's Head Quarters...), so I guess there's no point dwelling on what could have been. My traps have yeilded a few mice, but nothing more than that. I'll check them again tomorrow, AFTER I get back from Hogwarts. They're not going to make me a prisoner here too...

Happy hunting Sirius.

Remus.

Remus

You are. Not. A poor dumb animal to be pitied. I HATE when you put yourself down, Remus. It just makes me want to hurt Snivelous even more!

I know what is going on now. I'm not stupid you know. Ok maybe i'm paranoid, given this situation but dammit one of us has to keep it together, it may as well be me. God knows I owe you, you've kept it together for all of us long enough, Remus.

I need to get Snape alone. And I need to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Some veritaserum, I think will do....

Yes, and I will ask him outright what the HELL he is doing to your werewolf potions. If he says he is poisoning you then I will know that I'm right. If, however, he doesn't know what I'm talking about, I'll know that he is NOT working alongside Wormtail and their precious DARK LORD.

I am trying to remember a potion that makes people anxious....and then kills them. A combination, I think. Right now my mind is a total blank. I need to speak to Snape. Just to satisfy this little obsession of mine once and for all...then I will resume my hunt for Wormtail.

Still no rats. Bloody hell. Harry and I talked today and he is very worried about you. He too suspects Snape(when has he not?) but I will settle this just once more...and if it isn't Snape, by God it is SOMEONE, and I for one mean to make them pay!!

Your company at Grimauld place was the only thing that made that place bearable, Remus. The only thing, outside of Harry and all his friends...no, it wasn't that bad, even without Harry around, and Kreacher doing whatever Kreacher does....so long as I had your quiet presense I felt safe.

Well now you are safe with me.

If I have to, I will go to you for just one night. I have...missed our nights.

Then it's back to my hiding place. I have a hunch about something...a potion that may cure you...and so help me...SNAPE will not be helping with that.

Hermione. That is the answer. She is the one who listens most in Snape's classes, having made a Polyjuice Potion in her second year. I will talk to the three of them and we will put our heads together. Don't worry, Remus. You will be yourself in no time.

Have a brandy and relax

Sirius

Sirius...

I'm looking at the brandy and thinking that it's the only potion that still works. I've been thinking a lot about things lately. I don't know if Snape is poisoning me, but... I know what he's NOT doing.

Do you remember I told you about that witch in the Daily Prophet? The one who was startled by a stray dog? Well, it turns out that there was more to it than that. The Ministry covered it up...It wasn't a dog.

Do you know how many known werewolves there are in this part of the country? You could count them on one hand. And evreyone of them has more sense than to be anywhere but on the shallow side of a great many steel bars on a wolf night. I'm the only one cocky enough to think that all I need is a "special" potion and a good bolt-lock and everyone will be safe for another month.

No body told me what had happened. I don't think anyone even considered that it could have been me. How could it? I was locked inside my room the whole night wasn't I? Molly and Arthur would have known if I'd have gotten out, wouldn't they?? Apparently not.

Authur stopped by this evening and asked me if I knew of any other werewolves they could investigate. He didn't even suspect me...why would he...?

He told me that, although the Ministry had passed off the disturbance as a missunderstanding to the press, the witch still refused to believe that what she saw was a dog. She said it was too big, for one thing. She wasn't even game enough to go outside to shoo it away from her bins. "After what it did to my husband's old boots," she said...Leather boots, Sirius; tough, old leather, ripped and torn to shreds.

She thought I was one of Voldemort's terrors, set upon her house by the Death Eaters - it would be their style. She alerted the Ministry of course, but I'd gone before they arrived. God, if they'd have found me there...if they'd have been acting under the belief that I was with Voldemort...*swallows quite a large portion of brandy*

You can't come here Sirius. I can't face you like this, not now. Not after...everything.

I'm so ashamed. Even after that fiasco at the school, I was still proud enough to think that I alone could get away without restraining myself properly. I was a fool to take the risk, potion or no. It's sheer arrogance, is what it is.

Don't put myself down? How can I not? Just thinking about what could have happened if someone had gotten close to me...I'd have killed or been killed Sirius. And we're not talking about the verminous scum like Wormtail, we're talking innocent lives in danger - endangered by me!

To hell with this...

Don't get youself into any more trouble with Sanpe. I'll confront him about this myself. In the meantime, stick with your plan to go to Hermione. Forget the Veritaserum - I'm sure I can devise my own ways to make that son of a bitch talk. (see Sirius, this is what a good potion does - it gets results.) Ask her if she can start making my werewolf potion from now on, will you? It is imperitive that no one else knows about it - not even Dumbledore - not even Harry. I'm still not convinced that he wouldn't want to see me suffer.

God, listen to me. Harry's upset with me, he doesn't want me dead.

A bit dramatic, eh? Well I can tell you now that regardless of who is serving me what potion, next month I will be in CHAINS. And I won't hear a word against it. For too long we've pretended that I'm harmless. It's just not the case. I am VERY harmful, Sirius, it's just that we've always had fail-safes in place before. If Severus is tampering with my potion, or if it simply isn't working anymore, than I have no other choice. Jesus, I still don't know where the cinnamon came from.

Mmm, this brandy does help. It numbs the pain in my head. I wish it could numb me to everything, but I think that's a promise beyond the reaches of a mere alcohol.

You can't come here Sirius...not while he's still watching out for you. I'll bet you anything that he's got the other rats on the look-out too, that's why they've all been keeping a low profile...I don't know, I think it makes sense.

I miss you so much. I want to see you - I don't care if I am a mess, you've seen me a mess before. I just...I can't let you risk coming back here. But then...the owls you send me...there hasn't been any trouble yet...If you were to come here in your owl form, then...I mean it would only be the once, no one would have seen you before...no one would suspect...You'd have to be careful of course but...God I want to see you.

I love you Sirius...for suggesting this brandy. Now if I could just work out how to attatch this letter to my owl...whoever heard of an owl with four legs...?


Remus.

Remus

I love you too. I just want to be there, I want to sit with you and comfort you. We can have a few brandies and....

Well. It's not like we're any strangers to it. Although we never shared it with James even...not that it's anything to be ashamed of...still....

Again I disagree with you about Harry, though. Well I know for a fact he's not angry at you anymore, and my earlier suspicions of him turning Dark have all been stilled. You haven't spent as much time with him as I have Remus, probably because you were so shaken by your last meeting with him. Harry has found his mission again, he just wants to destroy Voldemort and anything evil. ESPECIALLY after your letter to me!

Good God. If Snivelus has tampered with that potion....

Hermione and I have already talked about this, Remus. No, I won't tell Harry if you don't want me to, but I do assure you, he not only does not wish you ill, he is remorseful about how he treated you. I am disappointed in him that he has not yet apologized to you however. He says he's too ashamed to face you. Hopefully he will today. He better!

Hermione still does not want to think ill of Snape(she suspects Wormtail is confunding him or placing him under the imperius curse). She trusts Dumbledore's judgement so completely...but she is more than happy to make the potion from now on. If it will instill that you WILL indeed be safe.

Umm, chains??? I don't like that, Remus. I don't like seeing people chained up. Reminds me of Azkaban....still if it makes you feel safer...*grumbles*...well, I'll think about it. Maybe if Hermione makes your potion from now on we won't have these problems with you getting out.

She did said something that makes a lot of sense to me. She said...well if it was only a pair of leather boots, the potion was safe wasn't it? All that happened was that he got out!

This is true, Remus. You DID not hurt anybody. Remember that. The only things that died were a pair of leather boots...no huge loss. Leather can be replaced. People can't.

Again we disagree on that. I've always said that YOU know the man you truly are, despite your wolf form. That night when Harry discovered it was Wormtail and not me who betrayed his parents...you did not kill anybody. That time with Snape, you did not kill anybody. All those times with James and I, and Wormtail...you did not kill anybody.

Come to think of it, Remus...have you EVER actually killed or even HURT anybody? I'm not talking about those scratches you left on me or James when we were in our transformed states...I'm talking about actually HURTING to the point of nearly fatal.

You never bit anybody. From what I read, wouldn't all werewolves know who they transform? Didn't that werewolf who bit you know that he had done it later? Something about a psychic bond...I don't think I am mistaken. Remus, I know this is a painful subject for you. I have tried to talk to you about this before, as has James....and yes, I know you don't remember those times you transformed...but I do. There were no reports of you killing or maiming anybody, even when you were not safe. Those leather boots are the closest you came to even being in the public. Really, Remus. You need to remember this. You did not hurt anyone as a werewolf...and that is something to truly be proud of.

I hope i have not upset you too much, God knows you are so down right now anyway...but I really did need to bring that to your attention.

To hell with it. I'm coming to you tonight. I'll transform into an owl and deliver this letter to you myself in person. I'll just spend one night with you, no one will know or suspect...and by dawn I will be flying away, back to my hidey hole.

As for Snape....well. If you insist(grumbles) But if you need my help, do NOT try to be brave, Remus, ask me. Please. It's what friends do. I'll be smart about it, I swear it on Lily and James's graves! I do not want this to backfire, for your sake as well as Harry's.

I am on my way, Remus. Save some brandy for me...my friend.

Sirius.

Sirius Sirius Sirius...

For days now I've been trying to think of what to say to you. Somehow I don't think "thank you" quite covers it. But, for lack of anything better at the present time, I shall use it.

Thank you Sirius. You have no idea what your coming to me meant. I was falling apart and you held me together...you held me...

You helped me to remember a time when I didn't need a potion to forget my pain, my sorrow, my fear; when I wouldn't have fretted to think that said potion may now be useless. Back then, all I needed was you.

No, we never said it to James, but I'm sure he knew. And he seemed happy enough to share me with you as I did him. They always said that you and he were inseperable - at each other's side every waking hour - but I had you for the hours that James was never awake to see. Magical hours Sirius...(well, of course they were, we aren't wizards for nothing, are we?)

That night you came here to the house...it was like none of this had ever happened; like a euphoic haze had settled over me, and I could no-longer remember what terrible circumstances had kept us apart for so long. Indeed, it was as if we had never been apart at all (or it would have been, had I not been so achingly desperate to have you near me again). I imagined we were just kids, and our greatest obstacle was trying to keep our...meetings private. I kept half-expecting James to walk in and almost catch us, or Lily to come up to our dormitory, looking for him.

But I knew they wouldn't. I knew they wouldn't come. And, for the first time, it felt okay. James and Lily would never be here again, and somehow...it all seemed okay, because I was with you, and nothing else mattered.

Nothing else, but your warm skin...hot breath...soft, black hair slipping off your shoulders and onto mine...your dark, soullful eyes...I could see myself relfected in them; see myself as you see me...I've never felt so flawless.

And the letter you brought me, I found it down beside the bed the next morning. It amuses me that you wrote it to inform me that you would be dropping by, and then you dropped by, with the letter, knowing that your announcement couldn't possibly have preceeded you. Quirky, Sirius, very quirky. But of course that was not the only reason you wrote it, or bothered to bring it with you, I imagine. There were things in that letter that I know you needed me to read and understand, and you couldn't afford to let them pass-by in whatever small amount of conversation we spared for each other. Certainly, we had more rewarding things to be getting on with...

The man I trully am, you are always imploring me to remember who he is. But I am only what you've made me, Sirius. What you and James and... others, have had the courage to believe I could be. Your faith in me gave me faith in myself, faith that I could be the man you were so sure I already was. If I have not killed, then it is because you have stopped me; if I have not maimed a human being, then it is because I have injured you or James in your animal forms instead. Do you think you would have been bitten or scratched if you had not placed yourselves between me and what I truly desired?...what the wolf truly desired...No, I think without the both of you there to control him, and the potion gone awry, chains would be best. Perhaps, if it doesn't make you too squeamish, you could be there as an added precaution. Padfoot always did have a certain way with Moony.

I believe he, Moony, had a hand - or paw - in writing my last letter, particularly the part about...uh, *talking* to Severus. You'll noticed I've calmed down considerably since then. I think the symptoms of my mystery affliction are clearing up (very minimal shaking for one, seem to be fairly focused too). It would seem that your timely visit was enough to distract me from my temporary insanity long enough to realise that I was in fact sane. Well, relatively. Still, something told me that I should take that day off, so as not to push my luck. Somehow, knowing you had been in the house so recently, gave it, shall we say, an impression of warmth and I found it much more bearable after that. The aches in my head seem to have been replaced with vivid and far more welcome memories of you. Not to mention your scent...the room seemed to remember that rather wonderfully.

When I returned to Hogwarts, I was a little nervous that Harry should be the first to greet me. Apparently he took my recent turn as something of his doing. I tried to explain that I was quite sure that it had NOTHING to do with - but do you think he'd listen? Of course not; far too interesting in apologising for how he reacted to my news of your return. I'm grateful that we are on speaking terms again of course, but I can't help but feel a little guilty. One could argue that I should have been the bigger person about it all, and had the courage to make the first move. I am the adult after all...and a teacher.

Speaking of, I must use that inept term "thank you" again in regard to you convincing me to stay away from Snape. It was one of the few things we talked about while you were here, but an important one none the less. I know it must have been difficult for you, actually defending "Snivellous" from a violent act, but I think you were right to resubmit the idea of Hermione's Veritaserum, in place of my outwright mauling of him. And in any case, I was, well, considerably calmer by then...and I think I'd done all the mauling I was going to do...

I shudder to think what might have happened if I HAD challanged Snape, without you to quiet me. Half-mad and full of rage is no way to behave towards someone you want a straight answer from - you'll either get stuttering fear or brutal retalliation...and I can guess which Severus would have prefered. What was it he was always threatening to do to us? Send us to the hospital wing in a matchbox? Well, with my mind as crazy as it was, I couldn't be sure of defending myself properly, or of controlling myself not to do the same to him!

Oh, that's just rubbing it in, isn't it? How close you came to being rid of him again? Or at least having him very conveniently dismembered

No no, the Veritaserum, Sirius. It was a good plan and I was wrong to steer you from it. Besides, I'm sure you can make him admit to all sorts of fun things, not just what he has or hasn't been doing to my potion . Just beware though - you'll be playing him on his own pitch; he is the Potions Master, when all is said and done. If anyone can beat him at his own game though, I'm sure it's Hermione (with a little help from you, of course).

I must admit all this going behind Dumbledore's back - with a full deck of cards, that is - is a little daunting (but it's not like we haven't done THAT before). Still, if he won't test our suspicions then what choice do we have but to do it ourselves?

I do hope that we are wrong about Snape, for Draco sake. He, Snape, informed me today that he had gone ahead and started speaking to Draco without me being there. Took advantage of my sick day. I almost knew he would. No matter, one day of whatever Severus has to say can't be too bad can it? He says that Draco seems cautious, but "irring on the side of co-operation." I'll take that to be a good thing. Perhaps you can question him on exactly what he meant when you slip him the Veritaserum...amongst other things. Don't have too much fun with him, Sirius


Remus.

Remus, my love,

Ahhh, that night was magic. Yes, in this I thoroughly agree. Why I didn't go to you sooner, I don't know. I wish I hadn't had to leave you. I hate this, not being able to be with you all the time, as before. I looked into your soulful eyes that morning...your soft hair was falling onto my face...and of course my eyes started to blur because I knew I had to leave you, go fly away back to my hidey hole like it had never happened. Much like that git Romeo after he killed Juliet's cousin and he had one night with her and then had to go off to Mantua.

This is serious, if I'm bringing Shakespeare into it...

But God, Remus, you have no idea what that felt like, not having to hide, just to be completely ourselves with each other. Yes, those moments in Grimauld Place were what made it all bearable(provided that Kreacher didn't burst in on us and make idiotic comments!). But that night...it was just you and me. No Kreacher, no Lily and James, no Harry, no Snivelus...just us. Oh, I would kill to have life be like that all the time. The man you truly are, Remus....you showed me that so many nights, and not just that one. I hope you now know...what I meant by that. It isn't just what James and I have made you...it's what you have always been. And...in turn what you taught me.

Look at me, getting all teary again. Where is that brandy? Ahh, there it is...

But I do wish I could see you all the time. If anything to say thank YOU...for giving me the second chance. If it weren't for you back at the Shrieking Shack that night, Harry never would have listened, he may even have killed me in his vengeful rage. But with you there as the voice of reason as usual...even Snivelus couildn't interfere.

I'll never forget you for that.

If only Voldemort would just choke on a chicken bone or something....or Snivelus would take a wrong potion and poison himself....

All right, I'll behave. But that rather cheeses me off, him going and talking to Draco without you. Still…what do I expect from Snivelus by now??

I think I will help you both out a little in this little Draco excursion. I’ll…deliver letters from you to Draco, yes that’s what I’ll do. Good excuse to come to you every morning. Then...I can listen in on what he says to Draco on those times when the moon is full! What do you think?

God, I can’t wait until this is over, and we can just BE together….but no, Dumbledore now wants me to wait before coming out more than ever now. As you know, Cornelius Fudge is trying desperately to hold onto his Ministry….he’s in a bit of a bind, and Dumbledore wants to help him out. The latest nasty rumor is…if Fudge gets the sack…someone ELSE will take over, and NOT Dumbledore.

You guessed it. Dolores Umbridge.

No way. So we need to keep Fudge in office. And with me bursting back from the dead declaring my innocence now…that is NOT a good thing for his publicity.

As sick as I am of being cooped up...*sigh*

Poor Harry, again his young shoulders are burdened with too much adult stuff. He’s of course anxious about Umbridge, I’m sure you know…after all she put him through last year…if she gets Minister, she WILL interfere at Hogwarts, Voldemort or no Voldemort.

She is worse than he is. Worse….

I cannot sidetrack. Right now, I need to get Snivelus alone and give him…...a brandy. No not the good brandy like we drank that wonderful night. Something cheap. He’ll like that.

Yes, I have a fresh vat of Veritaserum here. I will go right to work and we will get to the bottom of all of this.

Until next time, my soulmate, my friend, my love….

Sirius

Remus

All gone horribly wrong. Wormtail…Snivelus… oh the pain, the PAIN!

Help me, love. I’m dying here…I don’t want to go yet, I want to see you one last time. But oh, my stupidity….I went to Snape, we had a couple brandies, I said I just wanted to talk, for Dumbledore’s sake, he was being too friendly, I should have guessed. Well he drank his veritaserum all right, told me every bloody thing I wanted to know and more, so much more than I even WANTED to know.

Then HE manifested.

Wormtail. And next to him….SKEETER.

They’ve all been working together. For years, just years. And Umbridge too….she’s a spy for Voldemort at the Ministry. It was all planned, all of it, and yes, my love, Dumbledore is under the Imperius Curse. The THREE of them put him under it a long time ago so that he would trust Snivelus…they all got together the four of them(no Wormtail yet of course, he was hiding as Ron’s pet “Scabbers” )…Dumbledore got drunk with them, he always did like his liquor a bit too much, and he was a bit overconfident that day…and they did it to him, and told him that he would station Snape at Hogwarts but he’d trust him completely, and he’d forget that Snape was working for Voldemort…forget too that Umbridge and Skeeter were both Death Eaters…forget all that….he’d turn a blind eye to all they do, all of it, no matter how heinous…..

And he’d defend Snape always, and tell Harry to call him Professor Snape….

Oh, Remus, I’m going to be sick!

They tortured me, Cruciatus curse, tried to get me to tell them…everything. About Harry, the prophecy, about you talking to Draco(well Snivelus filled most of them in on that one), about your breakdown…everything. The Faeries. Why I’m alive. Even me, my personal life…and you. But no….no, Remus, I never told, not one thing. Not one thing. And now I hurt…they’re going to kill me…Wormtail himself did the curse on me, such hate in his eyes…remember I once said, do not underestimate the stupid….

The faeries didn’t come. Why? WHY? Did he get them? Voldemort? Oh God….

I’m here in Snape’s—house. 345 Pickford Pike. Just left of Knockturn Alley. They...left me to die here, they think I'm just gonna die, so I called...this nice birdie, she will bring this letter...on a spare bit of old parchment. Oh, Remus, Remus, save me, I never begged before but the pain is too bad…if I die, my love, I will always…remember…that last night. Tell Harry…everything. Tell him…I love him….and I will always love you….always….

Yes, I will charm this….

Charmed...

Sirius

Sirius,

Don’t be afraid, you’re quite safe now. At least I pray that you are. I’m sorry I can’t be there to explain all this in person when you wake up, but if I change my routine now, they’ll know that I’ve found you. They’ll know that you’re still alive. You know all their secrets now Sirius. If they knew you were still alive…

I came and collected you from Snape’s place and took you to the Shrieking Shack, where you are now. It was the only place I could think of. You were in so much pain when I found you. You were so afraid. I thought that if I took you here, and you started screaming, then no one would give it a second thought. The place is supposed to be haunted, remember?

I wanted to take you back to Grimuld Place, but…Well, with Snape and Dumbledore still showing their faces there, it wasn’t exactly an option. In fact, they showed up just as I finished reading your letter. At first I didn’t know if they’d come to finish the rest of us off as well, but apparently they just wanted to inform me, personally, that you’d been killed. I was, if you can imagine, glad to hear it. Firstly to know that they hadn’t realised that you had escaped them, and secondly to be given an excuse for my distraught reaction to their presence. I was terrified that if they continued to speak to me, I wouldn’t get to you in time.

I eventually slipped away by telling them that I needed to be alone. They seemed to understand that; they know what you mean to me. It was sickening, how kind they were being towards me. Poor, fragile Remus, needs to be handled with care. Acting like they felt sorry for me – for what had happened – when they were the ones that caused it! No, I shouldn’t blame Dumbledore. I’ve no doubt he’s been in hell for as long as we have, all for a stupid mistake. I can tell he’s been fighting them, trying to at least, trying to maintain some part of himself in all the evil that’s gripped his mind. I can only suppose that that’s why we’re not all dead already.

There was no time to warn the others about Snape. And I had to figure that if he was still keeping up his charade for me, then the rest of the Order should be relatively safe for the time being.

When I got to his house…when I saw you…I didn’t even know what to do. You were just lying there, whimpering and shaking. I’ve never seen you like that. I was so scared.

There was a jar of Floo Powder next to his fireplace. I knew that I couldn’t do anything for you myself. The best I could offer you was a sleeping spell. You needed to rest from your pain, so badly.

I picked you up. You felt so small. You were still shivering…weeping. I took a large handful of the Floo Powder from the jar and threw it into the fireplace. I held you as close to me as I could and stepped into the flames. I was terrified that this wouldn’t work – that we’d end up as some bizarre conjoined twin on the other side – but then, I didn’t really see that I had a choice. I knew where I had to go, and I couldn’t get there by apparating.

It’s a very good thing that Harry, Ron, and Hermione stay up later than everyone else. Studying, I’m sure…Still, it was a bit of a shock to them when we fell out of the grate in the Gryffindor common room (as separate entities, thank goodness). They saw the state of you, and the state of panic that I was in, and didn’t know what to say. I suppose it’s a cowardly thing to drag children into this – especially since I’m supposed to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, but I just couldn’t think straight at the time. They were my only hope. Every adult I could trust to help you was at Grimuld Place, and like I said, taking you back there wasn’t an option.

Hermione went to work on you immediately; she tried a calming spell to further aid the sleep I’d put you under. You stopped shaking at least. She’s a powerful witch, there’s no question, but even her magic was not enough to cure you completely of an unforgivable curse.

Harry looked to be in complete shock at the sight of you. He told me that Dumbledore himself had called him up to his office and delivered the news of your most recent death. Harry, like us, had difficulty believing that Dumbledore would lie, especially about something like this. But as I told him about Snape, and the Imperious curse…Well, it still took some convincing. The one thing he was more than happy to believe is that Snape is pure evil.

You looked about as stable as you were going to get, so we decided to move you to the next place (obviously you couldn’t stay at Hogwarts – it was no safer than Grimuld Place). I asked Harry to get the Marauder’s Map and follow us down to the Womping Willow. Hermione had charmed your body so it would be lighter to carry. Why didn’t I think of that?

Harry crawled in and got the knot. I cringed at the sight of him risking his life beneath those branches, but he wouldn’t have had it any other way. Once the tree was immobilised, I carried you down into the tunnel and headed towards the Shrieking Shack. I know, Dumbledore and Snape both know about that place, but I have to trust that they won’t think to look there. It’s like hiding you in plain sight. And besides, I need you to be close to me. You’re still not well. I need to be able to take care of you. And Harry needs you near him as well. Neither of us could stand hearing that you’ve died for a third time from neglect.

As we got into the shack, you started to wake up. The Crutiatus was still lingering in your body, and had finally overpowered both mine and Hermione’s counter charms. You started screaming for me to get away from you. I don’t think you realised it was me. I tried to tell you but you kept scrambling away and shaking your head – you didn’t believe me. You thought that Snape was trying to trick you or something. Harry was backing into a corner behind me; he was clearly disturbed by your behaviour, as was I. I threw my wand to him, I couldn’t risk you getting a hold of it. He picked it up and watched as I held you against the wall, trying to make you come to your senses. You wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to do, magic hadn’t worked and physical force seemed to be proving just as pointless. And then I remembered…the most powerful magic in the world…

I kissed you. You struggled against me for a moment but then I felt you relax. I felt you realise that no trick could kiss you like that.

You calmed down enough to let yourself rest. I think you were still hurting, but you seemed to know that you’d be okay, now that I was with you. You curled up on the floor and fell asleep. I was still stroking your hair when I remembered that I had to get Harry back up to the school before anyone noticed he was missing. People were sure to be inquiring as to my whereabouts at Grimuld Place as well.

We didn’t say much to each other, Harry and I, on the journey to the castle. I don’t think he quite knew how to take what he’d just seen. He knew we were close but that close? I guess now he understands why I was the first one you contacted when you came back.

I charmed the passageway, one of those spells that makes you remember that you forgot to do something else, and turn back the way you came, just in case anyone (like Snape) gets past the Willow. It’s not much protection against the likes of him, I admit, but it’s the best I can do for now. Hopefully you’ll be well enough soon to resume your own forms of hiding. You were doing so well until this happened.

I took Harry back up to the common room. He still didn’t know what to say to me. He handed me the map in lieu of conversation. I was going to say something to him, tell him that he should keep it, but I really did feel better having it to monitor that passageway. He gave me a very cautious look as I took the map from his hand, and then he and Ron went up to their dormitory. Hermione stayed a little bit longer to make sure that I was okay. She could see that I was still shaken. She’s such a nice girl. I told her that I was fine, and to not tell anyone what had happened. It was a fairly redundant thing to say but I couldn’t think of anything else. I think she knew that I wasn’t quite “fine” but she nodded anyway and left me to take another Floo ride back to Grimuld Place. Molly opened the door just as I was stepping out of the grate. I asked her if Snape and Dumbledore were still there. She said that they’d just left for Hogwarts, so I told her about the Imperious Curse.

It was with some difficulty that we managed to spread the word to the rest of the Order as quickly as we did without Snape and Dumbledore finding out. There’s been a call to change the location of our head quarters, but I’ve asked them to hold off on making any dramatic changes until you’re well enough to conceal yourself again properly. If Snape gets suspicious things could go very badly for all of us.

As such, Moody’s declared that I’ve been murdering his lesson plans. He’s demanded that he go back to Hogwarts but that I should stay on as his able-bodied teacher’s aide (it can’t hurt to have both of us there to keep an eye on things). He’s kicking himself that he wasn’t able to detect the curse on Dumbledore. He’s so cautious of everyone, but he thought, like everyone, that Dumbledore’s allegiance to the side of good was a given. He’s been muttering profanities about it ever since I told him. Molly’s beside herself, having her kids and Harry at the school with Death Eaters, but Arthur agrees with me that unless Snape gets suspicious, they should be okay.

It’s Draco I’m worried about. Snape could have already turned him against us. I’ll have Moody go over that boy with a fine-toothed comb before we reveal too much more about the Order to him. I’ve talked to Draco myself now. He genuinely seems interested in joining us but he’s scared, I can see it. And now, more than ever, he has good reason to be. At least before we could offer him Dumbledore’s protection against Voldemort, but now…

Well, I hope you’ll be okay by yourself for a little while longer. It’s not safe for me to come and see you in broad daylight. I’ve been watching the map; no one seems to have been bold enough to get near the Womping Willow yet. Good thing not all the students are as foolhardy as Harry and his friends.

Don’t worry Sirius, it’s only a few more hours until nightfall. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. In the mean time, just try to stay calm and be strong. And remember that I love you.


Remus.