Ah, Remus

My Knight in Shimmering Armor....God, I really am bad off, aren't I? I went all to pieces on you, and then...then I attacked you, good God, if you hadn't kissed me back there, I might have....

I can't think about that.

But oh, God, thank you, Remus, thank you, well I shouldn't be surprised, all the powers that be know that you have come through for me AND James many times...the unspoken hero, the one no one acknowledges. Why do I hear a Bette Midler song in my head?

All right, get a grip, Sirius. Where'd Draco put that brandy??

I am starting to come to a little, slowly but surely...with the help of an unlikely source, VERY unlikely. Turns out Hermione and Snivelus aren't the ONLY ones who paid attention in Potions class...well that should be obvious.

But I really thought Draco's would be the last face I'd see peering down at me looking worried. But...apparently when you explained it all to him, Remus, he really took it hard...I think he needed to see for himself that not only was I truly alive but I wasn't dead. I think he wanted to satisfy his curiosity as well as anything else...true, he wasn't very pleasant at first, but his eyes...well let's just say they had almost as much pain in them as I felt at the time.

At any rate, he helped me back onto the bed(I'd thrashed around quite a bit and fell on the floor...again). Then he began fishing around in his bag for his potions book...and some ingredients. I forget the name of that damn healing potion but it really does wonders for the Cruciatus Curse afteraffects...and it helps when the person still has some of their mind intact.

So he's been administering it to me morning and night...and demanding to know certain things. So I tell him limited stuff, mainly because I wasn't able to decipher all that you'd told him. I did say that Snape AND Wormtail as well as Skeeter abducted me...and then Wormtail did the curse on me while Snape and Skeeter laughed. At first he just stared at me, mocking in his eyes, then I saw the pain there...pain of betrayal, confusion. He always looked up to Snape but could never abide him when he told him to do what Dumbledore said, keep his nose clean. He HATED Snape's dual nature. But now, when he looks at me and listens to me, he is finally ready to admit...he really has no idea who the hell he is. Or what the hell he is supposed to be doing here.

He's so confused, poor blighter...

I left out the part about Dumbledore and the Curse. And I said nothing about the actual Order. I did however tell him what it was like during the first war, what it was like fighting Voldemort, and all those Death Eaters taking muggle lives and innocent Witch or Wizard lives every day....I told him that he, like all of us, never had a choice...he always was intimidated into believing what Voldemort said was gospel truth. His father and mother raised him that way. He actually believed it would be a better world when Voldemort took over.

Then I went into gruesome detail abuot the many death eaters he'd had killed. Including...my brother, Regulus. I never talked much about this, Remus, but I did find his body. It was mutilated almost beyond recognition but for his face. They'd left it...near Grimauld Place. I had been going back there to make sure Andromeda got out all right.

That's when I saw...Regulus's face. It was full of the most ghastly fear and pain...Voldemort must have really wanted him to suffer. Either that or that Bella bitch got ahold of him.

God. She has no soul. None. What she did to Neville's parents was bad enough, well worse, she left them alive. But this...

She killed him slowly, Remus. I could see it in his eyes. I know it was her. Anyone who went against her precious "Dark Lord..." never mind that it was family, NEVER mind.

God, I hate where I come from.

So I told this to Draco...and he had to leave. I heard him sobbing in the other room for a very long time.

That was when our OTHER young friend made a rather untimely appearance. Yes, Harry came to see me, and caught Draco in tears...and before I could say anything, he challenged him, too angry to understand anything, only that this was his arch enemy. Well...I did shout to him to come into the room, leave Draco alone...but of course it almost went wrong, because they started to dual. Shouting little hexes at each other, knocking things around...they ALMOST knocked my fresh vial of potion over. Thank God I had enough strength to stop it.

It was only when I grabbed my wand(How did you get it back and put it in my pocket?? I thought that Skeeter bitch had stolen it. I love you, Remus.) and shouted, rather hoarsely,
"EXPELLIARMUS!" and disarmed both of them that I was able to get them in the same room enough to explain it all to them.

Of course, Harry forgot all about his anger at Draco because I kind of keeled over then. Draco put more potion to my lips...Harry actually grabbed it out of his hand("I'll do it!" he snarled), and held it to my lips. I drank, and took it from him and handed it back to Draco.

"Harry," I said hoarsely, "I should tell you that Draco has made this potion...AND has been administering this every morning and night. I rather owe my life to him...as well as to you and Remus."

Harry looked hurt and pulled away from me. He was already having trouble looking at me, but he seemed determined to keep it together...for, I don't know, the greater good, I suppose.

I did tell him all I'd told Draco...although I knew that Harry knew more and wouldn't say it for my sake. When I was done, he and Draco kind of looked at each other. Then Draco said something kind of quiet.

"What was that, Draco?" I asked clearly.

"Sorry," Draco said, looking at Harry. There was pain in his eyes then.

Now it was Harry's turn to go out of the room to cry. So Draco kind of ignored him, left him to it, as did I, I knew he needed his space at that time. Draco gave me some more potion and then told me he was leaving. I asked him to please make a promise on his life...not to tell his mother or anyone else what I had just told him.

He looked at me, so fearfully. He said, "I'd be too scared to." I believe it.

So I let him go. Then, I called Harry back into the room.

He rather trashed the place in his anger and pain, leaving intact the potion of course. He wanted to know how I could do that again, die again, or almost die.

He's had it, Remus. He even talked about quitting Hogwarts totally and going and facing Voldemort on his own. He doesn't even want anyone with him. I mean, all his friends end up hurt or dead. He's had it with that.

I said, well, Hell no.

I told him that yes, he must take on Voldemort, but leave Wormtail and Snape to me when I'm stronger. I told him we'd all fight together, that this affects all of us not just him. Yes, he must face Voldemort on his own, but...we would back him up. No man is a bloody island, Remus!! Haven't we always told you that??

I think even James was with me in that moment. Harry broke down and wept...I'd never seen him so open before. He told me about the kiss...what he felt about it...and trust me it's not what you may have thought. He wasn't appalled or disgusted...he was SCARED. If we are lovers, what on earth will happen if one of us dies?? Harry felt responsible last time I "died" because of that putrid prophecy. He feels responsible every time someone dies at Voldemort's hands...because of that damn thing. He felt responsible for Lily and James...Neville's parents...everyone.

I couldn't do much in the state I was in, but I did manage to sit up and put my arm around him. He cried until he fell asleep....so I let him have the bed and curled up on the floor on top of my cloak.

Poor little lad.

I do hope Moody hurries with Draco...I almost told him about Dumbledore in that moment he was here...but I just didn't feel right. There is too much at stake. He needs to know about Snape, but Dumbledore? Something about him actually wants to trust him...Dumbledore is a rock, after all. I still can't believe that all this time he's been under the Curse...it's just too horrible.

Remus love...just know this. We may still be in limbo now...but you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I will never forget you for what you did. I told Harry to send profuse thanks over to Hermione and Ron as well...trust me I will be sending them sweets once a month for the rest of my life.

YOu my love will get brandy. And...kisses...whenever we see each other again...

Don't keep me waiting long, love!

Sirius

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Free Madness,

Sirius,

Bette Middler? I was thinking more along the lines of Enrique Iglesias…
Muggles, they know how to sing a love song, I’ll give them that.

How did I get your wand back to you…

I’ve asked Draco to give you as much potion as you’ll take before he gives you this letter. If he’s still there, tell him he might want to stand away from you while you’re reading it – preferably somewhere near the exit. I don’t imagine you’ll react well to what you’re about to hear. I know I didn’t.

The morning after your “death”, Dumbledore called me up to his office. He told me that he had some disturbing news about how you died. I realised that I had never asked them to explain that to me the night before, being that I knew that you were still alive. So I listened intently to what he had to tell me.

He brought out your wand from underneath his desk. I knew it was yours – it had the scratch on the tip from where I tried to bite it once (sorry about that). He handed it to me, firstly to prove to me that you actually had fallen (I guess I wasn’t as distraught about it as I should have been) and secondly…

He told me to determine what the last spell to come from that wand was. I did as he asked and…it was the Cruciatis. Wormtail attacked you with your own wand. My horror must have shown because Dumbledore then said, “Yes Remus, you know what this means. Sirius performed an Unforgivable Curse. He was a Death Eater.”

I was shaking with rage. It took everything in me not to perform an Unforgivable Curse myself, but I held back, and held my tongue. I then asked, as calmly as possible, “Couldn’t someone else have done it?” Dumbledore looked at me curiously for a moment, and then said, “Yes, I suppose they could have, if there hadn’t been witnesses to attest to Sirius’ guilt.” I was sneering then. “I’m sorry,” he went on with sickening sympathy, “I know this must come as something of a shock…”
“Who witnessed it?” I almost growled, still shaking. As if I didn’t know.
“Severus,” he told me. I wonder if I was supposed to take Professor Snape’s word as gospel truth then, because Dumbledore seemed a little off-put when I asked if Severus could have been mistaken. I could tell that I was asking too many questions, but to be expected to just sit back and accept that you were a Death Eater…

I never knew how Regulus died, not specifically. I never knew that you were the one that found him. I am so sorry Sirius. Yes, Bellatrix Lestrange is a soulless monster. To think that anyone would think that I could ever believe you were like her…But then, I did believe it once. For twelve years I believed that you were one of them. Maybe Snape thought that I’d be willing to believe it again. But not now – now that I know what you’ve been through. I am so sorry Sirius.

I was still holding your wand in my hands, turning it over as I seethed about how disgusting these lies were. How could Dumbledore – even a cursed Dumbledore – be saying these things to me? I looked up at him, glared, more like. It was lucky that this had upset me so much, because when he saw that I was crying, he naturally assumed that the hatred in my eyes was for you having betrayed my trust. I thought it was over then, but the worst part was yet to come.

Why had Peter bothered to use your wand, and not his own? Surely he would have been proud to claim the death of Sirius Black as his doing? As I pondered what possible reason he might have had, a chill ran through my blood. I could feel a deep evil close by. For a moment I thought that a Dementor must have been standing over me, but then I heard a nock at the door, and Dumbledore called him in; Peter Pettigrew, standing there in the doorway, his black, watery eyes fixed upon me.

I felt like I was going to faint. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t let myself move. I sort of blinked at him – it was all I could manage. I was so close to being physically sick at the sight of him. And I knew that I couldn’t do anything. I just sat there, staring at him until Dumbledore spoke again.

“Peter, come in. Sit down.” Dumbledore motioned to the seat next to mine. My skin crawled in the opposite direction, urging the rest of my body to do the same, as Peter got nearer. I shivered. He was less than a foot away from me. I could have killed him with my bare hands but with Dumbledore watching…Peter having been invited to this meeting…I just went back to focussing on not throwing up.

I was completely silent throughout the whole sordid affair. Dumbledore prompted Peter to tell me what had happened; that he, Peter, had been seeking refuge at Snape’s house. Snape turned him away at first, but then Peter explained that he had been telling the truth about you all along. He said that YOU had been the Secret Keeper for Lily and James – and that he had in fact tracked you down for betraying them to Voldemort. Snape knew that you were a ruthless killer, of course, and had no trouble believing that when Peter faced you, he realised that he was in over his head. After you tore apart the street and killed all those muggles, Peter knew that he had no chance against you. He severed his own finger and escaped into the sewers in his animal form, hoping that you would think him dead (well, that part we know to be true, the coward).

I must have looked like I wasn’t buying it, because Dumbledore himself explained the rest to me.
“Peter assumed the identity of the rat Scabbers because he was afraid that Sirius would escape from Azkaban and kill him, as well as yourself, Remus.” Don’t pretend to care about me you filthy little piece of… “He knew that you were a skilled wizard, and specialised in Defence Against the Dark Arts. Peter, however, is much weaker, and he never had the bond that you and Sirius had. He was much too afraid to show himself for who he truly was. When you and Sirius forced him to reveal himself – when he saw that Sirius had used his hold on you to gain your trust – he had no choice but to run once again.”

“If I was wrong to trust Sirius – if he was using me, as you say – why was it that he was allowed into the Order? Why was it that you all trusted him as much as I did?” I couldn’t help it. I had said it before I knew what I was doing. Thank god I stopped short of “Why is it you used Sirius’ own house as the head quarters!” Even without that, I’m afraid I might have said too much. Peter seemed awfully nervous about the fact that I was doubting his oh-so-convincing story.

I told Dumbledore that I had heard this all before, why should we believe it now if we had all agreed it to be lies three years ago?? But then Dumbledore came back to you, and how you died. He said that it was clear that you had been fooling all of us (I suppose if Snape can play us all for idiots, why shouldn’t you?). You were just biding your time until you could get your hands on Pettigrew again. He was the one that landed you in Azkaban, after all. He was the one on whom you wanted revenge. And of course, you were passing secrets to Voldemort in your spare time; Snape suspected that all along. Clever, isn’t he? Why else would they have been so keen to keep you locked up and away from your master? And Snape taunting you into leaving, to go to the Ministry and defend Harry, well obviously he was just trying to catch you out and see how you would react in a room full of Death Eaters. But you were smart enough to know that he was onto you, and so you just did the safe thing and stuck with Order. And, to make sure that Voldemort wouldn’t turn on you, you arranged for your good friend Bella to help you fake your own death. Oh yes, it was all faked, didn’t you know? God I could have killed someone when I heard him say that.

Peter wasn’t to know that you’d come back though. And he remembered Snape from school, how much he hated you. He knew that Snape would believe the truth about you being a Death Eater, even if no one else would. But somehow you got wind of Wormtail resurfacing at Snape’s house, and you went there to kill him. You stormed in in a rage and fended off Snape and then went to Peter and put the Cruciatus on him. He says that you would have killed him if, in your haste, you hadn’t failed to incapacitate Snape. Snape had no choice but to kill you. Another wizard might have used a lesser curse than Avarda Kadavra, but being that he was once a Death Eater – once, mind you – his brain didn’t stop to consider all his options. He regrets that now, of course, but he is not sorry that he stopped you from torturing an innocent man to death.

So that’s why he used your wand, to make it seem like you had performed the curs on him and not the other way around. Snape must have put him up to it – Peter would never think of that on his own.

I stood up. I couldn’t listen to this anymore. My tongue was bleeding in my mouth from having bitten it for so long. Peter got up as well. He told me he was sorry. Do you know, I think he might have meant it? Like I was going to forgive him…

I left without excusing myself. F*** manners.

I went down to The Shrieking Shack to see you. The map showed that it was quite safe. It was still reckless, I suppose, but I was feeling very reckless at the time. That’s when I left that other letter for you, and gave you back your wand. I stayed there and watched you sleep for a few minutes before I had to drag myself away. You looked so helpless, lying there, so innocent. How could they do this to you – torture you for so long and then turn around and try to destroy your reputation as well? You’re a good man Sirius; you never deserved any of this. You should be where Peter is now, a free man – yes, Dumbledore has vouched for him with the Ministry! Peter should be the one shivering and crying in his sleep (haunted by terrible nightmares of his own creation), not you. Damn those Death Eaters to Hell.

I suppose you’re wondering why Snape never questioned what happened to you, why you weren’t at his house when he returned. Well, let’s just say that the RSPCA probably won’t be letting me take home any big, black dogs for a while…Thankfully his house elf cleared the body away before he could inspect it thoroughly. I still feel bad about it, but I have no hesitation in killing for you Sirius, you know that. Anyway, I’m sure it’s gone to a better place. I hope so.

Sirius please please PLEASE don’t go looking for trouble over all of this. You’re still weak. You’d have no chance against the Death Eaters as you are. Even Wormtail might give you a run for your money, now that he has Snape and Dumbledore behind him. But don’t worry Sirius, I swear those bastards will not go unpunished. We’ll bring them down – you and me – so far down that they’ll never be able to rise up against us again. Love, I promise you this.


Remus.

Remus

I don't even know where to begin.

I'll start at the very beginning, shall I...that's a very nice place to start. Ah, those muggles, and their words of wisdom...who wrote that? Rogers or Hammerstein? One of those geezers....

Well. I don't think we need to worry about Draco anymore. That's at least some good news in all of this.

He came to me like you told him to, and gave me my potion...then hung back. He had this horrible rage on his face, I already knew something terrible had happened. He held your letter clutched in his hand. I asked for it. He told me to drink first.

When I finished, I asked him for the letter again. THat's when...he pulled out his wand.

"Roll up your sleeve," Draco snarled. "YOU know which one."

"What??" I demanded, thunderstruck. I couldn't believe...but I knew...it had to be.

"ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE!" Draco roared.

I did. I showed him my naked forearm. He took one look...and fell to the floor, sobbing in a heap.

I rose, and lifted him to his feet. I got the letter out of his hand and put it on the table. I held him as we sat on the bed, rocked him as I had Harry two nights ago.

"He lied to me," Draco sobbed. "He lied...all those times..."

I knew he HAD to be talking about Snivelus.

I just let him cry it out, keeping my temper in check, keeping quiet. It took the better part of the afternoon to calm him down. Finally I used some magic the Faeries taught me to put people into a deep sleep. He fell asleep and I laid him on my bed, putting my cloak over him.

THEN, I read your letter.

Damn good thing I used that faerie magic. Oh God...Remus...

Pettigrew is FREE? But...but how can this be? Didn't someone else look at his arm? I know Dumbledore is under the Imperious Curse but McGonnagal is not...well, not to my knowledge, that is. Well. Now that I've sufficiently trashed the place, all exept my potion and the brandy and firewhiskey...(The Shrieking Shack lived up to its name today that is for sure.)...I know what must be done now.

And I know you are not going to like it.

Remus...I MUST reveal myself. I MUST see Fudge. It's imperative. If Dumbledore is under the curse, he may be our only hope. If in fact he can be trusted...and who even knows who can be trusted anymore. But...if we can make him look at my arm, see the nonexistant Dark Mark, we can show him proof. And, even better, if someone can sneak in and roll up Pettigrew's arm and show Fudge...THAT would be all the proof he needs.

Sounds simple, doesn't it? (sighs)...then why did I spend twelve years in Azkaban?

Voldemort is good, Remus. He's very good at what he does. And...his Death EAters are even better. Bloody hell. Clever little gits....Umbridge in the Ministry...God, I will never forget the look on Skeeter's face....

Can't go there.

Well...we must figure out what to do. What needs to happen is we must get Fudge in to where I am....someone must somehow make him come, WITHOUT Umbridge. And...once he sees there is no Mark on my arm...

Provided he doesn't think I'm using some charm or other to make it go away....

He can give me Veritaserum. I will gladly take it. He can even have Snivelus give it to me if it makes him feel better.

Remus, honey, one thing is for sure, you are right...we MUST stick together now. As for poor Draco...well I"m a little worried about his state of mind, but after a couple nights ago, I'm sure Harry and his friends will help him as well. Remus, you and I must get him through as much as possible. I know he will be all right, he'll be stronger than Tonks is...he'll be stronger than I was. He'll be Harry's right hand man.

Come to me, Remus. Whenever you can. GOD, I miss you. I want to hold you, stroke your beautiful salt and pepper hair...you have no idea how I need you in my bed right now...you, not Draco...I need to wake him up and send him home or someone will get suspicious, wondering where he is. I will charm this letter and send it...and then do that.

Til we meet again, my love...my Knight.

Always, your Padfoot,

Sirius

Sirius,

I'm in the Owlery. It's the first chance I've had to write to you in days without Wormtail finding out. You won't believe this but they've got him guarding me! Well, that's not how they put it. They *asked* me to "take care" of him until he gets readjusted to full-time humanity (if you can call it that), us being such good friends and all . It makes me sick, but I have to play along - I know they're getting suspicious. And I know he's been tailing me in secret. I don't think he'd follow me in here though. Giant birdcage - not a good place for rats (though in his case...).

You asked about Peter's Dark Mark, how no one spotted it on his arm. I'm not sure how he did it, but...I saw it for myself, or rather I *didn't* see it. The Mark's gone, Sirius. he showed me - tried to prove his innocence as you are planning to do with Fudge. I still don't believe him - there's no question of his guilt in my mind. I only hope I haven't been too obvious about it. I'm afraid my acting skills can only take me so far as to be civil to him.

I don't get it though, I didn't think the Dark Mark could be removed? Snape still has his - Snape, who has been trying to have us believe he's on the side of good all these years! And he has more magic in one greasy strand of his hair than Peter has in his whole body - if the Mark could be removed that easily...The only thing I can think is that Peter never got the Mark at all. Maybe his betrayal of Lily and James was some kind of initiation. And if he ran and became Scabbers before Voldemort could make him a fully-fledged Death Eater...Maybe that's what the Ministry was thinking when they put you in Azkaban, if they were thinking at all.

If Peter did receive the Mark since then...well think about it, no one could have possibly believed that he was never affiliated with Voldemort. His story, his attack on you, it all would have been pointless. Voldemort must have realised this and reversed the Mark himself - Peter was no use to him branded. Besides, Voldemort knows that he doesn't need magic to control a coward.

Still, removing the Dark Mark - I don't even think there's a precedent for that. Certainly nothing on record. Whatever he's planning, whatever he's using Peter for, it must be important for him to do something so extraordinary.

I think this is going to complicate things for you quite a bit. If we say that Peter can get away with something like this, then what's to stop Fudge believing the same thing about you?

I haven't even been able to get a hold of Fudge yet. I've just now sent him a message about you, and I've managed to speak to Harry between classes, see if he can't help in convincing him to come and see you without Umbridge tagging along. Somehow I think he'd be more inclined to trust Harry's word more than that of a shady werewolf and a mad ex-con/Death Eater, don't you?

You're right, I don't like the idea of you revealing yourself (by which I mean your whereabouts, of course...) but it's not like we have a choice. I was vainly hoping that we'd come up with some way of exposing Snape and Wormtail for the fiends they are, and keeping you safely hidden as well, but I know that's impossible. Especially now that my every move is being monitored. Even if Harry is successful, and Fudge comes to see you, I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the meeting. I can't risk leading that filthy rat to you before you've had a chance to clear your name with the Ministry. I'm certain that Harry will make sure that no harm comes to you in the end, whatever Fudge believes.

You have no idea how annoyed I am - the fact that I can't be there for you when you need me the most. I only hope the other night was enough to show you that I'm not going to leave you alone in this, no matter what happens. I'm glad I came to you then, seeing as how I may not be able to return to you for some time. But even if I can't be with you physically, and God knows I want to be, I will be thinking of you Sirius. I'll always be thinking of you.


Remus.

Sirius,

I feel so trapped not being able to see you. Wormtail's still around. He's not following me in his human form as much, so I guess I can be grateful that I don't have to force myself to speak to him anymore. I know that rat's still around though. He forgets I can smell him.

Anyway, I was going through some of our old things. I don't know, somehow it makes me feel closer to you. Do you remember when Lily was going through her photography phase? Well, I suppose she was pretty good at it. I wish she hadn't been so keen on using us as her subjects though - particularly when we were trying to sleep in...amongst other things. I guess that would explain why this photo's so dark (and also why we don't look very impressed with her, heh):



It's just a muggle photo (probably for the best, I think). I remember Lily saying that she wanted some pictures of us that wouldn't scare her friends at home. Hm...I guess that's why she let us keep this one

Let me know how you get on with Fudge. I'd like to be able to take more pictures with you in the future


Remus.

Remus my love...

It's going to be all right. I hope...God, Fudge is so weak, I know he is under the Imperius curse as well, how many have Umbridge cursed? She's good at that...

It was rather hectic for awhile, and I lost the plot majorly in front of Harry, Ron and Hermione, which is not something I'm proud of, I even ended up weeping in front of them, not that I think they were too off put by that, true, Ron and Hermione hung back to give me my space, but Harry stayed and put an arm around me. Well...I guess they figured this was much better than me shouting and throwing things.

Remus honey, I don't know if they mentioned this to you, Harry was insistant that they don't, although Ron wanted to tell you...but something terrible happened when they came to see me. They came to me to administer my potion(Draco isn't doing very well as you know...nervous collapse, he's with Madame Pomfrey apparently. This of course complicates things as you know...thank God I was able to concoct my own little spell that the faeries helped me with...it's a way of resisting the Imperius Curse. Harry is already immune to it, but I have placed the spell on Draco, and Ron and Hermione. I also placed it on you...when last you came to me.)

I'm rambling...I was going somewhere with this. All right, back on track, Sirius. Sorry, but I was staring at your picture and...

Ok, collecting myself...putting it under my pillow for now.

The three of them were of course very upset by the news that Wormtail's dark mark was gone, although, Remus, Harry did see it in the graveyard that day. He showed him when he took the blood from him...he was too much in a stupor to think much of it at the time. Then...Hermione did that thing she does where she bites her lip and looks tentative...she knows we're not going to like her suggestion but she had to make it. She had a terrible idea about something, she said..."Sirius, will you roll up your sleeve?"

Harry of course shouted at her as did Ron, and the three of them were shouting, but then I did as she asked, I rolled up my sleeve, intending for my bare forearm to silence them all.

It did silence them all right. Only one problem, Remus. It wasn't bare.

THere it was, the Dark Mark. Harry looked absolutely sick. The three of them just stared, and then Hermione began to cry.

That's when I lost it and started shouting.

"I KNOW you don't seriously think I'm a Death Eater after all this time! Obviously...Wormtail and Voldemort have played some kind of TRICK!"

"That's what I was saying!" Hermione said in a voice punctuated by sobs.

I started throwing things and cursing Wormtail, Voldemort, Snivelus, all of them. I was a mad dog, I am very surprised they did not run out of there and leave me to it. But they stayed...Hermione was shivering in Ron's arms at the time, and HArry just stood his ground, totally unaffected. THat's when finally I dropped to my knees and started sobbing. Harry came to me, and Ron took Hermione to the window and just sat with her to comfort her.

Things seem to be heating up with those two. Another reason to win this war...I just want things to be simple, I want them to grow up, get married, have beautiful kids like they are. Oh, dammit, Remus, I hate this so much. I just want to smash Voldemort myself. Poor Harry...if he doesn't survive this...it's all for nothing.

Then, you will not believe this, but as soon as I calmed down, I looked and the Mark was...gone! Harry called Ron and HErmione over and they looked at it...Remus, do you think Voldemort switches the mark over to my hand whenever Wormtail is exposing his arm? I do wholeheartedly think so.

There's only onnnne small problem. Just now before I wrote this, Fudge decided to make an unnanounced visit to me. Draco had told him where I was, so he had to come see me. Talk about perfect timing.

The mark was gone. Wormtail had failed. Oops.

Well, Fudge sputtered and stuttered a lot, and shifted around, but he did say that basically I was cleared, I'm a free man, there is no evidence that I killed anybody. I was just standing up and getting ready to go out, go to you, when...it almost went horribly wrong again. Umbridge walked in, with Snape and Wormtail.

The Dark Mark reappeared on my arm.

Fudge sputtered again..."Wait, that's not...just a minute..."

"You see," Wormtail said, giggling like the hyena idiot he always was......"I'm NOT a Death Eater. Never was!" He rolled up his arm. At that moment I was praying to everything I know, and I called on the faeries....

The Dark Mark appeared on his arm.

I'd give a thousand Galleons to see the look on Snivelus's face photographed at that moment, Remus. And Umbridge? She looked like she was about to cry. Awwww.

I'm a free man, Remus. But...the three of them escaped and now Fudge is very stressed, as am I...we have to find them. Several of what looked like dark faeries appeared out of the air and took the three of them away with them. None of this is over yet by a long shot. It looks like Harry's confrontation with Voldemort will come along sooner than we expected.

I worry about Fudge...he is not a well man after all this. And...he is definitely under the curse, one minute he would change his mind and tell me I"m not free, the next...well. He's fighting the curse, but it's not easy for him at all.

I am imploring to the faeries for help but they're being very frustrating about this. I know they can help free everyone that was placed under the Imperius Curse. That little spell I did PREVENTS the Curse, it cannot cure it once the Curse is there. We need Fudge back strong but more importantly we NEED Dumbledore. We MUST have him whole and strong again for this.

So...expect a visit tonight, my love. And...if you have a camera...I'll be ready.

I love you

Sirius

Remus?

WHERE ARE YOU?? Oh, God, I'm so worried, I hope nothing has happened to you...I came to you and you were GONE, God, leave it to me to forget about the most important thing next to all this other crap...the FULL MOON?? Remus, your potion was untouched and the chains were unused, and the moon was staring in at me through the window, bold as a bad penny. God, I am shaking as I write this. I hope you are all right.

It's not going well otherwise...Dumbledore is of course not convinced of my innocence, I NEED to rid him of that damned Curse somehow but until then, I must go into hiding again...obviously with him around and NOT on my side, it's not a wise idea that I go strolling around as if everything is copasetic. It is obviously not.

Harry is like a mad dog...he wants to leave Hogwarts and take on Voldemort, he is tired of waiting. I am tempted to spirit him away with me and us both go take him on...I may just do that. But oh, God, I must find you, if he has you, if you are in your transformed state and he takes advantage of that...oh, Remus I will never forgive myself if anything has happened to you. Why did I hide away like an idiot while you were going through all that with Wormtail?? Draco's potion had made me strong enough, I should have just come out then and stopped all this being careful malarchy. I tend to listen to you a lot and you make so much sense most of the time, but I also forget that like me, you are protective, just in a quiet way, you really didn't want me in danger, you wanted to take it on yourself, damn you, Remus, we're in this together, haven't we always told Harry that no man is an island?

Wait, that was Dumbledore that said that...but it's all gone wrong, Harry and Dumbledore are at odds, Harry just burst in and told me that he's been expelled from Hogwarts, Remus, this is not good. He's going to go tackle Voldemort on his own. I MUST go with him. But...we need to find you first, we need you with us. Remus, please be all right. I was so upset that last night when you did not take your potion...fortunately it was all right. But Remus, remember honey...this heart here, that is where you are...it always served you before, it can again...

Write me. Whenever you are able to. And know that I will always love you and am here to protect you.

Sirius

Sirius...

You're free...you're really free

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you came for me. No...I'm not sorry. If I had have been there, THEY would have been there, and then...I only hope that, judging by your last letter, they were long gone before you happened upon the scene.

I read your first letter - it was waiting for me in my office...amongst other things. I'm not sure what the deal is with those dark faeries, but I can tell you one thing - they didn't take Snape very far from you. In fact, my guess is that they just took him to end of the tunnel beneath the Whomping Willow...He and Wormtail came to pay me a visit before you did.

Wormtail was already there when I walked in - I can still smell him on me. He was hiding - watching me. Your letter was lying on the desk. I had the distinct suspicion that it had been read. I'd just finished reading it myself when Snape arrived. He must have thought that you hadn't contacted me yet, because he walked straight in. He said he had something for me (Wormtail was still hiding). He said his house elf took it as a souvenir of your defeat - quite without his asking for it. He scolded the poor creature of course, but nevertheless, he thought that this souvenir - this piece of you - might be of some strange comfort to me. He handed me the lock of black hair - dog hair - definitely not Padfoot's.

I already knew that he'd seen you, but in the interest of self-preservation, I tried to play along - even thanked him. I didn't make much effort to be sincere about it. Snape appreciated that. He grinned at me, and called for Wormtail to show himself. I can't say I was surprised to see Peter standing there, but I was surprised at how much rage I still felt towards him, knowing that he was barely worth the effort.

I looked at them both, waiting for them to make some kind of advance on me. But they didn't. Peter ran to Snape's side like an obedient dog (sorry), but nothing else.

"Severus, you've had Peter watching me? What's the matter, don't you trust me?" He laughed; Severus and I always did share the same dark sense of humour.

"Ah Remus, look where that mutt of yours has landed you. You're in trouble with the Ministry, you know that don't you? They know you switched the bodies. They know you killed to try and save him." He shook his head at me, I couldn't tell if he was feigning pity or disappointment - maybe both. "Another man might have gotten away with it, but a werewolf...Killing a dog's not the same as killing a man, but still, it proves you've got it in you. You've become a murderer to save a murderer - a most unwise decision."

"Murderer?" I asked with interest. "Sirius' supposed victim looks very much alive to me, Severus. Or are you going to try and have me believe that Peter did in fact perish, even though I can see him standing here, quite unwelcomed, in my office?" Peter shifted a little.

"Hm, no Remus," said Snape, "I'm not talking about Peter. Lily and James. Or did you forget that Sirius handed them to Voldemort? He as good as killed them, does that mean nothing to you? You're best friends?"

"Don't you dare speak their names," I growled. Snape closed his eyes and sighed.

"You're not still believing Sirius' lies are you?" He saw the open letter on the table. "Oh god, what's he been telling you now?" He picked up the letter and started reading it. "Saying Peter and I are Death Eater's, I suppose?" Peter nodded emphatically behind him. Snape leered back over his shoulder at him and then returned to the letter. "This is rediculous..." he laughed. (Peter snickered in agreement.) "Remus, how long have you known me? How long have *I* taken care of you with the Wolf’sbane potion? Dumbledore trusts me - why don't you?"

I glared at him.

"Oh, I suppose Sirius has come up with some nice neat way of explaining that away too has he? Let me guess...if I’m a Death Eater in his little fantasy then it would be...ah, the Imperius?" My expression didn't change. Snape shook his head again. "You give me too much credit. Do you really think that I could controll Albus Dumbledore, when Voldemort himself has failed to even rattle the man?"

"No," I said darkly, "Not alone." I told him what you had told me about Umbridge and Skeeter. He smiled smugly.

"Well, at least he got one thing right. Yes Remus, Deloris and Rita are quite good friends of mine. In fact, I think that if I employed their help, we might be able to get the Ministry to drop the charges against you. And Rita would make sure that nothing leaked out to the press. You might even be able to maintain your teaching position here. It would be as if nothing happened."

"And what would you require in return for this generous act, Severus?" Bribing me - the low bastard - but what did he want?

"Only for you to admit that Sirius is a liar. Only for you to realise that the only good Black is a dead one."

I knew it was coming but it still made my stomach lurch to actually here it - to realise what he was asking me to do.

"You want me to betray Sirius to save myself?"

"Remus, you can't betray a traitor. You can tell him when he comes to you tonight," he held up the letter, "That you want to be rid of him. You know what he did and you will never forgive him for it. Never."

Tonight

I looked out the window. The sun had set while we'd been talking. I looked at the chains. I couldn't use them now, not with Snape and Wormtail there - I'd have been at their mercy.

I saw the potion - there might have still been time for me to stop the pain of the transformation. I turned towards it but Snape called me back.

"It won't help," he said plainly. "How can it when it doesn't even contain the right ingredients?"

"What?" He smiled smugly again.

"That insufferable girl - I thought you might get her to try and make your potion for you. It's become apparent that you don't trust me, Remus - how could you with Sirius whispering in your ear?" He smirked. "But that could have been very dangerous for you - for everyone - if she'd made even the slightest mistake. So I switched some of the more potent ingredients (which I knew she would steal from my cupboard, the little delinquent) with less harmless components...cinnamon, for example: It looks remarkably like powdered Asphodel, well with a simple colouring spell. The taste is nothing alike, but Hermione wouldn't be tasting it, would she? You noticed it last month when I tested it on you for the first time, I'm sure. I wanted to see that it wouldn't have any adverse effects. I have your best interest at heart, Remus."

I snorted at that. My amusement was short lived though. I couldn't stop looking over to the darkening window. How long was Snape going to keep talking anyway??

"Asphodel, for instance - if used correctly in the potion, it override's the werewolf's natural instinct to hunt and prowl and instead puts him into a deep sleep until the man returns. If Miss Granger had have miscalculated it in any way, she could have put you into a coma...or worse, depending on how the other ingredients reacted."

That got my attention. I didn't realise...

"So you thought you'd just let me 'hunt and prowl' instead?" I said, trying very hard not to consider the fact that Snape may have just saved my life. The moon was starting to rise, I could feel it.

"Your best interest, Remus."

"My best interest is in not endangering innocent lives! I could have killed someone!"

"Your escape was regrettable," admitted Snape. "I should have checked the security of your room more thoroughly before I went ahead with my little experiment. But honestly Remus, who knew you'd jump out of a second story window?"

Jumping out of it's one thing; how did I get back up there? I felt a sudden, sharp pain stabbing at the pit of my stomach.

I grit my teeth. It was coming...the change...

"The potion..." I managed, "It still worked...It still made me harmless, didn't it? It just stopped me from sleeping...It stopped the pain..."

I reached out for the bottle on the desk. It had to be too late now but I had to try...I had to make the pain stop...

"Yes, MY potion still worked," said Snape, lifting the bottle away from my fingers. "But this isn't my potion. There were other ingredients that I've since switched - ones that I had hoped to be able to test properly before letting that girl loose them upon you. Sadly, Sirius' implanted suspicions drove you to foolishness more quickly than I'd hoped."

"Drove me?" I breathed. "His suspicions...?" I winced at the pain spreading through my body. I rolled away from the desk and landed on my knees beside it. I was safe in it's shadow for a moment - the moonlight couldn't reach me. But it only seemed to prolong the pain - it did nothing to stop it. "You...you tampered with the potion...took something out...put something else in...something to make me sick...I felt-"

"Withdrawals?" he suggested. "I told you, Asphodel is potent. You've become accustomed to having it in your system once a month - it's calming effects. You've missed it before now, but never so strongly. You'd never been without it for so long. I slipped you some a few days later, gradually, in the potions I insisted on. I wasn't above mixing it into other drinks as well."

"You were...drugging me?"

"Yes, and you were stubborn about taking it - taking something from me - but it helped, didn't it?"

I didn't want to say yes. Snape watched me - I could feel him watching me.

"I can make it go away," he said calmly. I snapped my head back to him to see him holding a small, clear bottle of potion. I was desperate. Yes, make it go away...I would have done anything... "All you have to do is tell Sirius that it's over. Tell him you know he's been lying. Tell him you'd like nothing more that to see him writhing it agony...see him die."

"No!" I growled. I would never do that. I lunged at him anyway - I wanted that potion. Peter scurried off to the side as Snape drew his wand and set me onto my back with an easy spell.

I was layed out on the floor, flooded by moonlight...I started screaming - it hurt so much. Snape walked over to me, "I can make it go away..." I shook my head furiously. I didn't want it - I didn't want anything of his to touch me. "All you have to do..." He was standing over me, holding the bottle...

"How!?" I screamed at him - he was insane! Not only would I never say that to you but - "How can I speak to him if I'm a wolf!?"

A chilling smile twisted onto Snape's face.

"There are other ways to tell him that you want him dead, Remus..."

No...He couldn't be asking me - telling me to...

"I wont do it!" I shouted. I'd never betray you, Sirius - not like that - not ANY way. I knocked the bottle from his hand and cried out - howled - as it smashed onto the floor. My only chance to make it stop...

Snape sighed again.

"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this Remus," he said sadly, "But it's for your own good." He pointed his wand at me and held me down. I was shaking so violently. I was changing, right underneath him, but he didn't back away. He didn't think he would have to. After all, I'd hardly attack him if I was under his control...

Yes Sirius, he tired to use the Imperius on me. I didn't even realise at first - I could hardly hear him over my own cries. I think he must have stunned me as well so that I wouldn't scratch him or bite him, but it was ending...I could feel that I wasn't human anymore...and yet...I wasn't Moony. I was me...

Snape saw that I was calming down - or that my body was at least. I felt sick and weak. I remembered the pain I'd just gone through - it hadn't been erased by some wild urge to kill. I laid on the floor, shaking, not moving except for this. He released me from the stunning spell, and my legs folded limply onto my chest.

"Good boy," said Snape, getting off me. Had he told me to stay? Was the curse working? No...no, I was quite sure I could have gotten up if I'd wanted to. But I didn't want to. I just wanted to lie there and think about what had just happened - what was going to happen next. I was thinking like a man, even though I was a wolf.

"Get up," said Snape. I didn't move. I squinted up at him. "GET UP!" he ordered. I thought about it - I thought to play the advantage. I rolled slowly onto my side, still shaking, and got up. If he thought he was controlling me, I could take him by surprise. "You've got a strong will Remus," he grinned - feeling triumphant that he was about to break it. "I wonder if it will be strong enough to save Sirius."

Sirius...I remembered you. I remembered what you said about protecting me from the Imperius - the spell. I think it might have worked better than expected. I think...I think it might have stopped Moony from taking over.

I glanced past Snape and saw Peter, giggling like a school girl at the idea that I should be the one to kill you. For I knew that's what they wanted me to do: Snape wanted you to find the werewolf at the end of the tunnel.

Under the Imperius Curse, Moony would have killed you, I have no doubt about that. I don't even know that Padfoot would have stood a chance. But I wasn't Moony, and I wasn't cursed (well, no more than usual). I have you to thank for that (that inadequate word again...). I don't know what I'd have done if they'd succeeded. As it is...

You were about to be ambushed. I couldn't let that happen. But...I hadn't actually formulated a plan to stop it yet. So I waited, thinking, pretending.

Snape's eyes were shifting from the closed door to the open window. I guess he didn't know which way you'd come. He was sitting in my chair, in my office, stroking my head as if I were his faithful pet, and I was letting him. I kept shaking with rage - at him, at myself, at the whole damn situation. I could have ripped his hand off if I'd wanted to...

Peter threw something across the room. "Fetch!" he said, still giggling like an idiot. I glared at him and didn't move. "Go on!" His giggling was a bit less confident now. I laid my ears flay under Severus' hand and growled.

"Hush now Remus," said Snape. "Just ignore the imbecile." First intelligent thing you've said all night.

Something rattled the window. Oh God Sirius don't come here now - don't see me like this. Snape jumped up (using my head as leverage, thank you very much ...). He went to the window and looked outside. I think he was thinking the same thing as me - maybe you'd seen them in there with me and turned back, but then I thought about it; I knew you wouldn't leave me behind.

Speaking of behinds, Snape was now showing me his as he leaned out the window. He was completely distracted by the thought of you. I know what that's like...

Something sparked inside me. I knew what I had to do, and if I hesitated long enough to think about the consequences, the opportunity would be lost. Besides, according to Snape, I was already in trouble with the Ministry.

I padded up behind him (Peter wasn't watching me - worrying about whatever it was he had previously tossed across the floor). I was quick, and quiet and just about to strike when -

"Severus! Watch!"

I thought for a moment that Peter was actually warning Snape but I should have known better - he was trying to balance something - an ink well, i think it was, on his nose...

Snape and I both huffed at him. Idiot

Snape turned around, ignoring me completely for the moment, and shot the ink well straight off Peter's face, smashing it into the wall behind him (That was mine, you know...). Peter squealed but Snape showed him no sympathy: "If you want to be a performing seal just say so - I'd be quite happy to arrange it for you." He gave another threatening flick of his wand. I couldn't help but snort.

Snape finally noticed me, hovering at his back.

"Did I say you could move?" he asked - demanded rather. I tried my best to look shameful. "Back!" He pointed towards the chair. I turned to follow the order, but as I did so, I glance back at him over my shoulder; Snape had resumed staring out the window. I shifted my eyes hopefully to Peter - he was preocupied with ensuring that he still had all his parts.

No hesitation this time.

I rounded on Snape with a growl in my throat. I heard Peter shout something in a panic from behind me, but it was too late - I already had my fangs in Snape. He was none too happy about it either (I wasn't all that thrilled myself). He aimed his wand and sent me back from him with a great force.

"You son of a bitch!" he shrieked. Yes, well... He examined the blood on his robes. I thought he was going to faint. After nearly having his leg torn off by Fluffy, you'd think he could handle a little werewolf bite...

I stood up from the patch of floor where Snape had sent me and headed towards Peter. I expected Snape to do something to stop this, but by the sound of his frantic muttering - trying every counter-curse he knew to keep himself from being infected - he was otherwise engaged.

I bolted at Peter, teeth bared and snarling. I bailed him up against the door. His sweaty little hands fumbled for the brass knob behind him. He found it and tried to turn it. I rushed him, just to put the fear of God into him . He shrieked even louder than Snape had, heh.

I backed off far enough for him to give it another go. This time he managed to open the door.

"NO DON'T!" screamed Snape. I get the feeling he didn't want me to leave the party just yet. Peter cried as some means of an apology to him, I think, and wrenched the door open.

Good boy Peter

I leapt onto his back, knocking him flat on his ugly face. I started ripping at his robes - he thought I was killing him. I should have been. In fact, I was searching for his wand - mine was too close to Snape to go back for. I found Peter's just in time to dodge a curse from Snape. Singed the fur. Bastard. Peter managed to transform and get out of the way pretty quickly after that.

With the wand in my mouth, I ran out of my office and through the rest of the castle. I think I heard Snape yell something at Peter - "get him", possibly - but in any case, I never was got

I kept running all night as far from Hogwarts as I could. If Snape was chasing me, then I didn't want to lead him to you - he was...um...not in the best mood. In fact, if it's possible, I think he might actually hate me more than he does you now. Jeez, just because I *might* have turned him into a werewolf...

I'm not sure where I thought I was going. To be honest, I'm not all that sure where I am now.

Anyway Sirius, I am okay. The change back when the moon set was a bit...well, I don't want to say "hairy"...but apart from that...and the fact that I bit someone...I think I'm okay. I used Peter's wand to conjure some money to get some supplies (food, parchment...clothes). A lot of people are going to be very unhappy when it disappears...

You and Harry, you're probably better away from Hogwarts right now. I never thought I'd say that, but with Dumbledore the way he is and Harry expelled - how?? - I guess you don't really have a choice, do you?

Don't go after Voldemort by yourselves though. Wait for me. I...I'm not quite ready just yet, but I will be, I think. I picked up some Asphodel from an apothecary somewhere, so at least I don't have to worry about withdrawals. (Don't worry, I'm using it very very carefully - I'm not about to forget what Snape said - the guy that sold it to me made me promise I'd be responsible too. I guess I look like the addict type...Morning after a wolf night. Easy mistake to make.) It's a start anyway.

I don't want you to come looking for me Sirius. I'll find you when...*sigh* you'll hate me for saying this but, when I think it's safe. Snape mentioned that I was in trouble with the Ministry. I have no idea if that was true when he said it, but I'm almost sure it is now. I attacked him, Sirius. I bit a human being. I might have infected him. Whether it's Snape, Wormtail, or Voldemort himself...that's not a good thing...not for me. And what's more, it was deliberate. I chose to bite him. Me, not Moony. And If he hadn't been so quick to react - if he hadn't already had his wand in his hand...

It is in me Sirius. I can't deny it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it exactly, but I need to make sure that I at least have a hold on it before I see you again. The last thing I'd ever want to do is put you or Harry at risk.

Let me be an island for a while Sirius. I promise, when I'm ready, I'll let you swim out and touch me.


Remus.

Remus--

You bit Snape. For me. You did all that...for me.

Oh, Remus...

Well I do hope wherever you are my love you are still taking the Daily Prophet...because it would seem that our "friend" Snivellus had a few tricks up his sleeve. Maybe the dark faeries saved him or maybe it was something else, but he is undoubtedly NOT a werewolf. He's being rather smug about it too, talking about his "narrow escape" from the big bad werewolf that is Remus Lupin. Oh, when I see him...

I don't get this though. I've been talking to the LIGHT faeries, that rescued me, and they are telling me not to give up on him?? Snape?? Is there something else we don't know? Apparently they are convinced that what he is doing is for some GOOD cause, but they're not telling me much of anything. I don't like that. At all.

Neither does Harry.

If you think I have a temper, Remus...phew! When that boy found out the ministry was after you, and why, it was all I could do to stop him going after Voldemort and ending it right there and then. But he's not strong enough now...we've travelled rather extensively, and he's exhausted, running on adrenaline. He needs to do this properly, otherwise it can all go to hell. The good news about our travelling together is that Harry and I have managed to catch up on a lot of things together, the bad news is, he's a loose cannon now, he's fed up with everyone suffering because of Voldemort and Wormtail and he wants it stopped. But adrenaline and anger are not the way to do it, REmus, well not alone anyway. I think you taught me that long ago...leave it to you.

Remus...you are so brave, love, so stoic...it shouldn't surprise me that you did not betray me or give way to their threats...but do be careful wherever you are...God it hurts, I want to hold you so much.

Let you be an island? I hate that...but I know you're right. WIth the ministry after you for biting Snape(never mind that he's not a werewolf, it's the principal of the thing...apparently.) it's just not safe to reveal your whereabouts, even to me. We will see each other again soon...I pray.

There is still more bad news, I'm afraid. Shortly after he freed me...Fudge resigned. Not that you don't know this if indeed you are taking the Prophet. But...Umbridge has indeed replaced him and now...yes...she is trying to open my case again, convict me as a Wanted Man yet again.

WHY does Fate do this to us?

Those damn faeries better be right about Snape...still, I worry. Voldemort...I have a feeling we do have to hurry this up, but first...Harry MUST get some rest.

I wish he'd stop pacing and lay down. He's keeping me awake.

We're at an inn. I have very little money so we have to share a room. Harry had no time to go to Gringott's to get some gold...we will do that tomorrow. I do hope Umbridge doesn't convict me again, that is going to make things MUCH worse for Harry down the line.

We need to hurry this up...but how??

Remus, we may not be able to see each other, but you can advise us...you, after all, taught Defense Against the Dark Arts. I'm too impatient to really think about all the nuances of it the way you have...wherever you are, have you heard anything? Should we ambush Voldemort where he lives and finish this thing? Or...wait?

As for choosing to bite Snape of your own human will...you did that out of love for me, my heart. You never would have resorted to that if they had not been threatening you with torture if you didn't betray me...

I will always remember that. I hope wherever you are...you remember that too. And come back to me...soon.

I love you

Sirius

Sirius,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. I think your owl had a bit of trouble finding me. Which is good, I suppose. The last thing I want is to be easily found.

I haven’t had a chance to read a proper copy of the Prophet since I fled, but then I don’t need to to know that I shouldn’t stop running. I’ve seen the headlines in shop fronts about a mad werewolf on the loose…and about Umbridge. I think it was a wrong move for her to become Minister. Does she really think that the good witches and wizards of the world will be fooled by her, now that she has such a high profile to keep up? No, they’ll see her for the fraud she is, sooner or later. But until that happens, both of us need to watch our backs vigilantly. And watch out for the people we care about.

Fate isn’t doing this to us Sirius. It’s people like her that’s doing it. Fate is on our side. Fate has ordained that Voldemort can and will be stopped. It’s up to Harry – to us – to make sure that happens.

How is Harry anyway? He can’t be taking his falling out with Dumbledore too well. He must feel so betrayed and hurt to see someone he cares about – someone he knows to be good and strong – held hostage by such brutal evil. To know that there’s nothing he can do.

But maybe there is something.

Your faeries, they said that there might actually be some chance of bringing Severus over to our side? Or that he might truly be with us already?? I hope that’s true. If you could talk to him, make him see reason, make him understand that we might have misunderstood his intentions…He’s a very powerful wizard – valuable too – and…*sigh* what am I saying? He’d never listen to you. No offense Sirius, but you’re not exactly his favourite person. Neither of us are now. I’d do it myself of course, but I just can’t risk coming out of hiding. I don’t need to read the Prophet to know that there are about a million people – on both sides of the fight – out for my blood.

I had hoped Severus wouldn’t go to the papers. The Ministry – well, I knew he’d have no choice but to tell them. They’d have found out some how or other and if he hadn’t reported it, it would have looked very suspicious. One can’t very well convince others that he’s an upstanding citizen if he conceals dangerous truths like that.

But he said that Skeeter was a friend of his. Perhaps she got hold of the story on her own? Perhaps Umbridge made the decision to circulate it? I could give Snape the benefit of the doubt and say that he couldn’t have protected me from this if he’d wanted to – Peter did witness the attack after all. I don’t think that even Snape would risk getting those three offside, just on the off chance that it might give him some sot of future credibility with me.

I still don’t know why he had been so keen on helping me. He seemed genuinely concerned about my withdrawals. He could have easily let me suffer them last month – he was the only one who even knew what was wrong with me. No one would have expected him to help me. But he did. And this time…could it have been for Peter’s benefit? Surely Snape had to seem a little unhinged to keep up the appearance of a Death Eater. He’s never been that cruel to me before, has he? And then there’s the other thing…

I’ve been thinking a lot about this Sirius. Why didn’t he kill you when he had the chance? His story is that he used the Avada Kedavra curse on you…would it have been so difficult for him to have actually done it? Think about it, Wormtail had you at his absolute mercy, and yet you were left with enough strength in you to summon me to your side; with enough sanity in you to know what you had to do. If he truly wanted you dead, why would Snape let you go so easily? Well, you know what I mean. He didn’t even mention that dog until he’d seen you alive…in the presence of other Death Eaters…I don’t know – maybe he just wanted me to kill you – wanted his vengeance on us to be perfect. But something about it all just doesn’t add up. I think it’s time you tried to find out why.

(Sure, delegate to you – always the way, isn’t it?)

The truth is (and I hope this advice reaches you in time for it to be of any use) that I’d rather see you busying yourself with trying to work out Snape, than throwing your life, and Harry’s, away to Voldemort in some half-cocked rage. Neither of you can face him on your own. Not yet at least. Even with my help…and I’m not sure I can give that to you…I don’t think you’d stand a chance. You say I know a lot about Defence Against the Dark Arts, and I do. I know a lot about a lot of things in a lot of books. But there are no books about this Sirius – no books about him. Do you think that in a world where people fear to speak his name, someone would have taken the time to sit down and write a book on the subject? Even if they had the courage (or stupidity) no one would publish it – assuming the Death Eaters even gave the author a chance to let another soul view what of their master’s secrets had been spilled out into print. No, I’m afraid that when it comes to Voldemort, I’m no wiser than you. Certainly no wiser than Harry.

I’m sorry Sirius. I can’t help you. And I’d still rather not see you at the moment. It’s been days – almost a week, I think – and I’m still no closer to discovering where exactly I fit in here. I *want* to do good but...I fear my ways of going about it are becoming unsettling. I bit Snape to protect you, yes; because I love you, yes...but there was something else driving the action. Something...darker. I need more time to figure it out.

I think you should go back to Hogwarts, if you haven’t already. I think you should forget Voldemort for the moment, and start with Snape – find out exactly what it is he’s up to. He may not have been completely honest with you before, with Death Eaters all around. I’m not entirely convinced, having thought about it, that a skilled potions master mightn’t have discovered a way of beating Veritaserum. Who knows, if you can get Snape on your side, you might be able to break the spell on Dumbledore, and then we’d have a real chance of winning this thing!

There is just one flaw. I still don’t think that Severus Snape, Death Eater or no, would ever listen to Sirius Black. Perhaps it’s time to employ young Draco’s help again.


Remus.

Remus

*sighs* I guess you're right. If those faeries are right about any of this...well we can use all the help we can get, altho if Snape really is good he has a funny way of showing it...all he let happen to you and me...i don't recall him saying "avada kadavra" at all during my time of being tortured by Wormtail...still I guess I need to investigate this further if we're going to actually get anwhere with this.

Harry and I have talked, and he has agreed to go back and get Draco, see if we can use his help with Snape. I mean if Dumbledore is there all the time, and Draco is there, that can't be good for the young lad. We'd just gotten him on the right path, I would hate to see him slide back down again. Harry and I really didn't think when we took off like that, we just wanted to get away from Dumbledore. Harry has a lot of pain about him, you're right about that. But I am hoping, if those damned faeries are right, that there may have been a way that I overlooked, that we can save Dumbledore and win this war.

Remus, you've helped me more thatn you know. I was asking for advice, and you gave it to me. I know that you are rather detained at the moment...still...I hate that this seems to have affected our budding relationship. You seem cold somehow, distant to me in this last letter. I am thinking of what you said about perhaps something dark guiding you in your biting of Snape. I think those are your old demons coming up to haunt you, as they always did whenever things almost got out of hand with your transformations. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and understand how it must be for you. It's hard, but I am trying, because you are so important to me, I just want to help you anyway i can. The idea of being able to turn into something I can't control and can't guide, frightens me terribly. Although, you were in complete control when you bit Snape. That was Remus that did that as you said.

I still maintain that you were at war, Remus, fighting for the side of Good and you did the only thing you could have done in the hands of the enemy. War does terrible things to people's minds, certainly all those people I killed in the last war, Death Eaters or no, that has haunted me during my time in Azkaban as well as other times. We are taking lives, Remus, or destroying lives even if we don't kill them. It is frightening but we have no choice. I know it upset you that you yourself bit Snape while in control. So yes, I can understand that you feel like something dark is controlling you and you want to protect me from it. However, I maintain that you were just doing the only thing you could have done in that situation. The only thing.

And Snape isn't a werewolf anyway. Although I know that can be painful anyway.

i'm not trying to trivialize your concerns. But just think about it, love. Men at war must do things they are not proud of. Things that affect them for many years. On that I can say that I've been threre, love. I did things to Death Eaters that would curl your hair and I enjoyed everything I did. I wanted to cause great pain, not only to them but their families. We get excited and angry and upset and yes, a dark force is guiding us, the force of Anger. We don't think anymore, it's all about righteousness. THe fact that you're even aware of this inside you is the first step toward controlling it, Remus. That again is your heart talking.

I must go now, Harry and I must venture on this Draco excursion. It won't be pretty but...wish us luck. And stay safe.

love
Sirius

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Free Madness,

Remus

It's been a long time. Long enough for me to forget about you if i were so inclined, particularly after some of the rumors i've heard lately. But...were i the sort of bloke that listens to rumors about a man that knows me better than myself, I wouldn't be alive today much less writing this letter.

Tonks, my cousin...(sigh), she is sweet, but not terribly bright. And while I approve of the recent romantic liason between herself and Mad Eye Moody, I can't help but wonder if his paranoia has rubbed off on her.

The two of them will simply not shut up about you and Snape...and the possibility that you, yes, you, have gone over to the Dark Side. Harry is devistated but he still refuses to belive it. Myself? Well. Let's just say, I just don't WANT to believe it, Remus! Regardless of having just not heard from you in forever, and having all my previous letters sent back...unopened....

And..."Severus," as you called him before....in that last letter...

I found out that my "faerie" friends were liars, at least that bunch, the ones that told me Snape was innocent and good. Remember he was taken away by bad faeries?? Those were the ones, pulling one over on me. So...as to Snape being "good," I think we can put that theory to rest. Even Dumbledore is content to do that.

Yes, I said Dumbledore. Not that you don't already know, but he is free now, although I am not telling you at this time HOW he got free. But, he's mighty cheesed off about all this. With Umbridge still as Minister of Magic, he is once again at war with the Ministry as well as Voldemort, and for someone as old as he is, I'd think he'd be pretty run down especially after what he'd gone through. But...he seems to have gotten new strength back and he is NOT afraid to use it. Of course, Umbridge is trying to send spies over here to make sure Hogwarts is run HER way, but this time Dumbledore is taking no prisoners, and...neither am I.


You might as well know, love, and I don't care who else knows, it won't hurt me anyway. With you gone and Moody, well, too wrapped up in all this Snape and Voldemort malarchy(not to mention Tonks...), the position as Teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts has fallen on none other than Yours Truly. Funny, I don't recall a year at Hogwarts where two teachers have not lasted the duration of the entire year...but Remus, if indeed these rumors are all false, if you are innocent, you can be sure from both Dumbledore and myself that your old job is here if you should ever want it back. Much as I like teaching, I'm a bit impatient with some of the greener ones...I think teaching is a talent that you had in the bag, Remus.

There isn't a damn thing anyone can do about our situation, all attempts by Umbridge and the Ministry to get in have failed. But there is no way I'm telling you in this letter what we have done, you will just have to find that out from me when we know you're trustworthy. I'm sorry, Remus but that is the way it is. And Snivelus if you're reading this, so sorry to disappoint you.

I hate this, oh God, I hate this.

Please tell me it isn't true, Remus. I don't care about your past, they tell me you and Snape had an affair in Harry's third year, shortly before I came back. I could actually forgive you that if I knew you were not with him now...listening to his lies, lying beside him....

I need a drink.

It's after hours....it's all quiet for once, Tonks and Moody have gone off by themselves, ah...a POX on all lovers when your lover is away! I hate this more than I've ever hated anything...but Remus, I just have to know. Did you....do you...love him? As much as you loved me? Remus...do you love me? Still?

Please respond as soon as you can...

love(because that never changes even if you leave, those who love us never really leave us...and I will always love you),

Sirius

Sirius,

A funny thing happened to me when I was on the run, living like an animal. Well, I say "like", but I rather was lving as an animal.

You see I discovered something: when I wasn't fighting the transformation, when I just let it happen, because I knew I didn't have to be afraid of losing myself (I fear I'm already as lost as I'm ever going to be), it became so much easier. It became easy to want to be the wolf. He didn't have any responsibilities or expectations...he didn't have anyone who needed him or anywhere he needed to be. He was free. And it became easier to stay that way, even after the moon had gone...

Before you get too alarmed, I was only able to let myself go because I knew that I'd already been eternally grounded by your spell - I'd always keep a human mind, but as a wolf, I didn't have to share the thoughts of that mind with anyone. It's why I haven't written - why I returned your letters. I was glad that you hadn't forgotten me, but at the same time, I wanted to forget myself. You would have reminded me too well.

The pain comes now when I take this false human form. I can almost return from the lie at will, return to the wolf I've always been inside. There aren't many true wolves left in this part of the world, but I've found some. I've been living with them as best I can. Every now and then I do assume a human form, as I have now, just to be sure that I still can if there's ever a true need for it. And the way you were talking in your last letter, I'd say that this qualifies.

I don't know about going to the dark side, but I'm definitely not on the side of light anymore. I'd say I'm somewhere in between, and I like it. I know how disappointed you are to be reading this, but I can't do it anymore Sirius. I can't pretend to be human when I'm not. I'm a werewolf. That's a very different thing. At least, thanks to you, I'm a relatively safe one.

But you seem to have lost faith in me. I can't blame you for that; the last time you heard from me I told you that I was losing faith in myself. I'll say that I've regained some of that faith now, but as someone other than I was.

I can't tell you what you want to hear, that everything is fine and I'll be coming back any day now to make everything right again. I've played the hero for too long...or at least his sidekick. Now I just want to sit this whole war out. I'm finding it difficult to care anymore whether or not the world goes to hell. As long as I'm free when it happens. Selfish? Yes. Honest...for the first time in my life.

Now, back to these rumours. Who told you about me and Severus?? I'd have never have wanted you to know about that now... You talk about my being with him as if it could be true today, as if I even wanted it to be true then. Well, I suppose there's no point in denying that it did happen. I was with him. And I wish I could say that it meant nothing but...It meant a lot, just not the way you think. And, still, not a way you'd like.

This is an old line, I know, but I was thinking of you the whole time. That probably offers you little comfort, which I suppose is to be expected, being that you're comfort was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. You see, when I was thinking about you, I was hoping that you were thinking of me - somehow knowing where I was and what I was doing. I was thinking how much my being with Snape - your mortal enemy - would kill you if you knew. I wanted you to know. I wanted you to hurt, just like I did.


I'd done my best to forget about you, wasting away in Azkaban where I thought you deserved to be. You'd killed Lily and James, (or as good as), how could I want you to be anywhere else? But I did want you. I wanted you with me, and that thought destroyed me. I can only say this to you now because I know how untrue that was. I know now that none of it was your doing, your fault, but back then...I'm not telling you this to upset you, I just want you to understand why I did it, if you can. I thought that once they put you away, it was over for you. You were where you were and you were never coming back, ever. But me? I was still forced to live my life, carry on as if I'd never known you - never been desperately in love with the man who had murdered my best friends. I hated you for that more than anything else...you made me love you. I had to wake up every day knowing that you weren't waking up with me...knowing why...and I couldn't keep doing that anymore; feeling this pain everytime I thought of you. I wanted to get you back for it, and when I returned to Hogwarts and saw Snape there, it seemed like the perfect way. If I'd have just known then what I know now...

Believe me, you have nothing to worry about where Snape and I are concerned. I'll admit, we did become close for a time but...Even if I wanted him (which I don't), do you really think he'd have me after what I did? Do you think he'd trust me? God, you don't even trust me, why should he...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I know you want to believe in me, but you can't. I do understand how people's minds work, and the security measures that need to be taken when dealing with potential Death Eaters. I'll bet you're not even supposed to be writing to me - Dumbledore's orders, that you've conveniently forgetten? He's a wise man. If nothing else has come from this, at least he has been freed, and Snape has been exposed for the fraud he is. The fraud he's always been, I suppose...

What I want to know is, who started these rumours about me? I've barely been near humans since I posted my last letter to you - I'm surprised that people are bothering to call me one of Voldemort's men, rather than just assuming I've died. (I haven't died, just so you know. Another reason I thought I should probably write to you.) Then again, maybe they are assuming. A dead man is easier to tell tales about than a live one. It doesn't matter. Either way, I'll be sure to stay out of the paths of wizards from both sides. Even you.

I'm touched that you still love me (or did before reading this letter), but such a feeling no longer suits this beast. The man you knew is dead, and soon, only the wolf will remain. But rest assured Sirius, the man died with your name on his lips. And perhaps, some day, the wolf will die with Padfoot's on his.


Remus.

Dammit all to hell, Remus,

I don't know whether to be angry at you for insulting me or cry, or laugh...or what.

When I say "insult," please understand me...you are talking about something very sacred to my heart...embracing your dark side and making friends with it, NOT being ruled by it but not being afraid of it anymore. Let's see...wasn't that what James and I ALWAYS told you? Well, maybe not in the exact words YOU put it in but...we ALWAYS told you to embrace and accept the wolf as part of you just not let it get the better of you. It seems, that thanks to not only my spell but your OWN integrity that you are finally after so many years, making that a reality.

Do you really think I'd be put off by that??? Remus, I am prouder of you than I've ever been in my life. You haven't hurt anyone, well in a matter of speaking you haven't....true, you seem to be a bit confused as to where you fit in with regard to this war, but that's understandable considering all you've been through. And you are NOT with Snivelus now and that is really all that was eating me with regard to him and you. I DON'T care about the bloody past, yes of course I know you hated me then, who wouldn't, considering how obvious it looked that it was I that betrayed them?? I don't need a fifteen year old explanation about that again, yes I know I was expected to stay in Azkaban the rest of my dying days....we all know that by now so there's no harm done. So long as he's not in your bed now...I don't care WHO you slept with, Remus.

You asked who was spreading the rumors about the two of you in present time. Well...Tonks and Moody were the ones that told me, and...knowing Moody as I have for years, he's not the sort to believe just heresay on the street, or even from a newfound love...he's too paranoid.

Or so I THOUGHT. Until I investigated further after your letter.

It may come as a shock Remus, then again so little shocks you these days I don't expect after your letter that you'll do much more than chuckle.

Molly Weasley is the one that's been saying all that.

Apparently...and this is from Tonks, who was rather upset about revealing all her secrets to me...see, Tonks, to a fault sometimes altho this is one of the things I like best about her...is very protective and concerned about those she allows to be close friends. Molly Weasley was one such person...their work in the Order together made them closer as friends.

Apparently things are NOT quite rosy with her and Arthur lately, and they haven't been for quite awhile.

To make matters worse, Molly has found herself QUITE sweet on you, Remus. QUITE sweet. Well...this has been going on since Harry's fifth year, after you comforted her after that boggart kept turning into her dead family. It kind of grew and festered until it like the wolf? was a beast she couldn't control. She finally confessed it to Tonks only yesterday, and Tonnks was NOT going to tell me thank you, but after I came to her upset about your letter, well...she broke down and told me. You can imagine what I did then.

I turned into an owl and flew off to the Burrow, and cornered Molly right there in the kitchen. I am rightly glad Arthur was not home or he would have sent me away, I am certain I scared Molly although Arthur in his oblivion simply would not understand. At least this way, Molly and I could talk FREELY.

And yes, she admits she did everything in her power to break the two of us up, INCLUDING(and this is recent, friend...) sending you sweets and wine laden with potions to make you forget what it is to love me. The problem is, it's bringing you closer to the wolf and therefore incapable of loving any human being...NOT what Molly had in mind. It's also confusing the hell out of you, confusing your thoughts and your mind as to where you stand with anyone, the war, any of it.

The only GOOD that's come of this is you are no longer running from the wolf. The rest? Well. Let us simply say that your stock of sweet cakes and wine has been CUT OFF, permanently by me. Although you will certainly be hearing from Molly apologizing to you for her poor conduct...a letter I will deliver myself(don't worry I'm not going to stay unless you ask me to, which at this stage of the game I doubt you will.). I will just leave it right outside your window(I always knew how to find you after all) and just wait fifteen seconds. If you do not come to the window I will know that it is truly over with us and you wish no more to do with me. However...this was just ingested by you today, and I have this from Rosmerta, who SAW you at the three broomsticks today...a potion that I created simply for you to remember. Remember the good things that you know, that you love. Remember all that really MEANS something TO YOU. I named no names. I kept myself out of it, it's all about what means the most to YOU, Remus. If I am truly a part of that, I will know when I deliver not only Molly's letter but my letter to you.

I know where you are. I've known for awhile now. But fear not. No one will ever know but me. They will not be able to torture or cause me enough pain to tell anyone ANYTHING. You can stay there til we all die Remus and no one will know a damn thing. NOT unless you want them to!

So. Here I go. Tonight, I take this to you. If I do not see you I will go. If I see you and you rebuff me...I will go. If, however I see you in Wolf form ready to strike me down...Padfoot will appear.

Then...it is up to the Wolf. And You. I would rather die at your hands than Voldemort's anyway.

I love you,

Sirius

Sirius,

I owe you an explanation. And this one's not fifteen years old.

When you came to me (I should have known that I could never be truly out of your reach) I couldn't bare to face you as a man. Molly's "treats", which I had been accepting as a kind gesture on her part, had dried up by the time you arrived. I couldn't believe what she had done to me - poisoning me against you, just because she wanted me herself? That's insane! I've never seen a couple more deeply in love than her and Arthur. And to fall for me of all people? Even if she was attracted to me, she had to know that she never really had a chance, whether I was with you or not. I mean, she is (or was) a lovely woman but...well, she's not exactly my type, is she?

I can't help but feel that something about all that doesn't quite add up.

Anyway, after I read your letter and hers, and stopped taking what Molly had given me, I had this slow realisation of what I had been doing these past few months (did your potion have something to do with that, I wonder?). Living with wolves, embracing it, as you say...no, it was more than that. I wasn't embracing the wolf, I was erasing the man. I was trying to detach from reality; from you and Harry and him. Trying to run...

Sirius, when you came to me, I wanted to run - to you and away from you all at once. I said in my last letter that as a wolf, I don't have to share the thoughts that my complicated human mind has. I knew, if I could speak to you, that you'd want me to. You'd ask me questions and expect me to answer. Having just remembered what you really mean to me...I couldn't bare to tell you everything that I might have said.

You seemed to accept that though; accept me, as you always do. Padfoot appeared, as you promised he would, and we didn't need words to understand each other then. You had missed me, I had missed you, and we were together now, and missing each other no more. That's all either of us needed to know.

I still love you Sirius. I never stopped loving you. I don't think it took being with you to realise that, but I'm sure it didn't hurt.

And I wish it could have ended like that, with both of us safe, and warm, and happy. But it didn't. It never does.

I ran from you again. For a moment, you thought you could follow me, but I didn't let you. I growled at you - warned you to turn around and go back the other way. To turn you away then, after I'd let you get so close to me...you must have been very confused. I'm sorry for that.

I couldn't let you follow me. They would have killed you. You're a stranger to them, as I once was. The difference is, I'm a wolf...or was then...They could accept me as one of their own. A dog would be a further stretch, even a dog with my scent on him. I couldn't risk them hurting you.

And there was another reason.

When they accepted me into their pack, there was one wolf who took to me a lot faster than the others. She trusted me fully. She'd tail me where-ever I went. I thought I'd lost her one day, when I'd gone off to take my human form, but even then, she was right behind me.

I turned around to see her staring up at me - a man - and her a wolf, just staring. I didn't know if she was going to attack me or what. But she sat down quietly and watched me dress in the place I had left my clothes the last time. She didn't seem to care that my body had changed, she still knew who I was. Maybe she'd always known. Maybe she knew it better than I did.

I went to The Three Broomsticks (you've noticed that I do stop in, infrequently) and when I came back, she was still waiting there, lying down, looking up at me, waiting to escort me back to the pack as if nothing had happened.

She's incredible, Sirius. I can't explain the connection I have with her. It's something like you and I have in our animal forms. When we're canines, it's not physical attraction that draws us to each-other - we recognise the soul within. We recognise that raw celestial energy that we crave from one another; that we need to be complete ourselves.

But it isn't love. Not exactly. Not like you and I as humans have. It is a unique bond that she and I have, something special, but...You don't want to hear this. Me, prattling on about a she-wolf of all things. Still, this part you need to hear.

She's pregnant. With my babies. Well, puppies, really (I'm still not sure what to call them). There hasn't been a full moon yet during her pregnancy, so I still don't know what will happen to her, to them. I can't see her being infected by the curse – after all, nothing ever happened to Padfoot. But the children...

I wasn't thinking. Damn Molly, messing with my head like that. As if I wasn't confused enough already, she goes and takes away my sense of human love. An animal doesn't think, it only feels and reacts. My mind was there but without my emotions to keep it check...

I was trying to forget you Sirius, and I couldn't. I thought if I moved on...No, I didn't think at all. I didn't mean to hurt you, or her. And I can't leave her now, with children that she may not be able to take care of by herself. And if the rest of the pack reject them, reject her, because of me...I have to be there to pick up the pieces as best I can. And...to take care of them. For I remember human love now, and I think, in a way, I do love them. They're my family Sirius - my blood, such as it is, and I have to protect them. Or at least know that they're taken care of.

I know it's asking a lot for you to understand all this. I barely understand it myself. I think I'm as confused as I've ever been. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Except for one thing.

I love you too, Sirius. No matter what I say or do from here, never forget that.


Remus.

Remus....

Well, this has been a hell of a month. Moody said I should just shut up, stop sobbing and moaning and just bleeding FIGHT for you, dammit, that's what he would do. Although I doubt you will want me to now. He's been quite a friend to me lately, as has Dumbledore...amazing how being free allows you to connect with people in a way you never could.

Well. Where do I start here? Trust me, this will not be easy for you to read down the line, so you might want to be prepared...maybe I should just deliver it to you, let you kill me and get it the hell over with, what do I have to lose now?

Nothing. Not really. Being free, having Harry back with me on a constant basis, that's all very wonderful and good, but it's NOTHING without you. Nothing at all.

Somehow I never thought having my freedom would cost me the only thing I loved most in the world, more even than Harry. Never ONCE did I think that for a second.

Well. I suppose I should pick up where you ran off from me, shall I? You know the part where I ran after you, and you growled at me...and then I saw you run off with a bleeding wolf pack, no you dind't know I'd seen that, but I did. Yes, Remus, I'm touched and grateful that you wanted to protect me from them. I know you love me. I know you still do. I never stopped loving you...but to share you with a bleeding she-wolf and...PUPPIES? Oh, God, Remus, that was just too much to take in.

I read your letter several times, cried over it, drank like a fish, no one was too pleased with me for Moody had to take a couple of my classes...and HE let me know without mincing words how that cheesed him off...all he wants to do is enjoy Tonks and his retirement, when he's NOT dealing with this ruddy war...oh, Remus, what a mess I've made of things.

What a mess SHE made.

I need to tell you the next part. It's not easy...yes I know you are going to go for my throat, well, go ahead, I have nothing more to live for anyway. Remus...the she wolf and I have met. She is, most definitely a WEREWOLF. And so is the whole pack. They tricked you, Remus, actually they were being controlled. Guess who by??

Yes, Voldemort.

Her name, in human form, is Darla, I learned that AGAIN from Tonks. She has been sniffing around my cousin, actually wanting to make HER a wolf, not that anyone knew right away. Tonks, so naïve and easily taken in, became very fond of her, and wanted to help her much as she wants still to help Molly out...but Moody saw right through her and well, he and Tonks went at it quite a bit over her. SHE did not want to believe Darla was a werewolf, kept making all kinds of excuses...Darla was homeless, her children and husband were somewhere and she could never find them(lie)...well Moody knew right well who the HELL they were, and while he tried to spare my feelings by keeping it from me, he just couldn't after awhile, and then you sent me that damned letter. It was all I could do, ALL I could do, to keep from going for my cousin's throat.

Once Moody calmed me down and sobered me up enough, and about four weeks went by he and I began to work on a plan. Tonks, by then was talking about leaving him and going off with Darla...yes, you can guess, there's a bit of that sexual connection between them, trouble is? Tonks is human, and hers is well, love, the kind she supposedly feels for Moody and I feel for you. Darla? Well, she's a wolf, isn't she, her love is animal, she wants Tonks as her little sidekick, well wolves mate for life, but apparently some of them are known to have three or four way marriages. Rare, but there it is. I think she wanted to bring Tonks in with you two, maybe she thought you'd like it, who knows, all I know is...I can't even think straight.

I have to stop sidetracking and just bloody TELL you.

This is hard, Remus, harder than anything I've done thus far.

Moody and I went to Tonks's house. Well. She and Darla were arguing, she was crying her heart out and Darla? Well. I looked up at the bleeding moon. Yes, I knew what was about to happen. Darla had just told Tonks, told her everything. I knew you would be transforming around then, and looking for her...what the HELL was Darla thinking? Well. I pulled her aside and just got her to communicate with me before she transformed.

She told me everything. Yes, she is connected with you, yes she loves you, in an animal way of course, it's not real HUMAN love, but she believes you to be very loyal, and a good father to her babes, and that's what she needs, so she can hunt on her own, do what she will....

I told her, rather angrily that she took the love of my life away after lying to him, she is NOT taking my cousin away and screwing up what she has with Moody. She may have hypnotized Tonks somehow, made her THINK she wanted to be with her but...something did NOT smell right about the whole thing. Well, so Darla got angry and went for me then...and that was when the transformation happened. Tonks screamed and clung to Moody and he gruffly said, "Do you believe me now?" even while he held her. Tonks just grabbed me then and tried to get me out of there, but I resisted.

"Leave me alone," I said dully.

Tonks protested loudly, but Moody said, "Never mind, love, he knows what he's doing."

"HE'S GOING TO KILL HER!" screamed Tonks, as I pulled out a gun.

"No, he's not," Moody laughed. "Don't worry about it."

Darla attacked me and knocked the gun out of my hand(it did NOT have a silver bullet in it, Moody promised it was a special stone that would stun a werewolf temporarily and make them forget the person they wanted to mark as the wolf, meaning Tonks...and move on to someone totally not affiliated with her.) But it was important that I shoot her in the head...and when she was NOT attacking me.

Well. She and I wrestled some more(oddly enough, I was NOT Padfoot and still didn't get bitten...she must have smelled your scent on me. Still....) The idea was to stun her, make her forget about Tonks, then, when she woke up, interview her about you, see if there is some way, any way that I could have you, even if you DID have a kind of marriage to her with her puppies...after all if she wants other lovers, why the hell can't YOU have them?? Moody told me there was no way to fight this other than killing her outright, so I may as well try to see if I can get her on my side.

So I tried. I wrestled with her, she was strong, she tore most of my clothes off but left no blood. And THEN I turned into Padfoot.

The gun, when she knocked it out of my hand, flew out the door. I panicked, hoping Tonks didn't pick it up or something and stash it. I tried to get out there but no, Darla had to pinion me down, she is a better fighter than you ever were, Remus, I'll give you that, but by then I think the wolf was totally in her and she REALLY wanted to hurt me...kill me...

I saw an opening and bit her on the neck. She cried out in pain, but I held on, just enough to make her let go of me. She did, and I took off out the door. Transforming back quickly, I snatched up the gun, which was lying right there on the ground where it had been pushed out....Turned to Darla, who was lunging for me...and shot.

The bullet went right through her head.

She fell down on the floor, and did not move, did not get up. I dropped the gun...my breath had stopped. It didn't take long to figure out something was terribly wrong.

I went over to Darla. She'd transformed back into human form by now. Her blue eyes were wide open, staring at the ceiling. She was, most unmistakeably, dead.

Gleaming, just next to her head where it had made a clean hole...was a silver bullet.

I couldn't help myself. I cried, long and hard, not that it did a damn bit of good but there it is. Yes, she decieved you...she was controlled by Voldemort and evil but her puppies? They have you in them, and they are werewolves as well but STILL yours. My first thought when I saw her lying there was...I killed the mother of Remus's babies, God, he always wanted children and I did that to him....

I picked up the gun.

I put it in my mouth...to hell with it, I'd do it for both of us. I pulled the trigger.

Nothing.

God Damn Moody. HOW could he trick me like that. He led me to believe it was a stone but no, it was a bullet. BUt then...was that right? Of course not....

"Missing something, Black?" a sneering voice said from the doorway. I whirled around, tears drying up on my cheeks, but my eyes still blurred as I tried to make out Snape's appearance.

"A funny thing happened to me when your lover bit me," Snape said, echoing your previous words with a sneer that went through me like a knife. "I became...shall we say... a BIT more perceptive." He chuckled, a dry, mocking sound, and held up something green and glowing in his hand.

It was the stone Moody had shown me, that he had placed in the gun. Nothing else was in that gun BUT that stone.

Until Snape used telekinesis to switch...a silver bullet for a stone. HE had no scruples about killing your children's mother...just to satisfy his...jealousy.

Never got over you then...did he???

That was all I could take, really. I went for him, we fought, dueled, with wands like Bella and I did, and he shouted out unforgivables from time to time, but I darted out of the way just in time. But then...without even thinking, I said an unforgivable....I hated him so much by then...it was the Cruciatus Curse but it only held him for a minute before he broke free.

THEN Wormtail came.

I went to town on him, well took them both, adrenaline surged through me, I was free, free and I was going to make them pay for all my suffering, all your suffering.... I was going to hurt them deep. THEN I would kill them.

But fate had other plans as usual....

Several wolves came, well werewolves of course, from your pack. The charm they put on themselves to look like a harmless wolf pack, not a although I did not smell you...where were you? I would have thought you'd come after Darla...well. I had my answer when I looked into Snape's eyes again.

He'd found you, and chained you up, after giving you rather an intense dose of that old potion. I am sure you were quite dead to the world while all this was going on. And the wolf pack? Well they didn't know what became of you...the only thing I was thinking of was...what the HELL about the children??

I asked Snape that, and he said with a curled lip, "Don't worry. They're safe."

Well I'm NOT trusting that as far as I can throw it. I had to find a way to get away from them and be sure that the children were safe. Fortunately, help came in the form of Tonks, Moody, Molly, Arthur and Dumbledore. Dumbledore told me telepathically to GO NOW or it would be too late. While the five of them laid in on Snape and Wormtail, I did what I could to distract the pack. I had to find out, get them to talk to me somehow, trust me...I HAD to find out what happened to you and those babies.

So I turned into Padfoot and challenged the whole lot of them. They recognized that I still had your scent on me and they also recognized Darla's....so yes, you might say they were a bit cheesed off by then.

I took off and ran, as far away as I could, with all of them chasing me...I made sure it was ALL of them, so that that lot only have to deal with a couple of Death Eaters. I kept them running until we got to the river...then I turned to them and faced them.

"Where is he?" I demanded, in dog language, but oddly enough, they understood.

They surrounded me...I was prepared to die, I WANTED to die. But...

"Before you kill me," I said evenly, "Tell me he's safe. Tell me the children are safe."

The leader of the pack stepped forward, holding off the others just a bit.

"He's safe," he growled. "We know where he is. The children...are with the Dark Lord."


I had no choice. I had to live, if only to save the children.

I fought as best I could....and somehow managed to get away before the leader bit me...and he would have, I know. I got away, and transformed into an owl...and flew to you.

I sat down near a tree near that bleeding island, hoping you'd come out and kill me so I wouldn't have to write this cursed letter. But...I have no choice, do I? None at all.

So here it is, Remus. The truth. You were tricked by Darla, tricked by her pack...tricked, once again, by Voldemort. I wish I could give it to you without hitting you over the head with it but...you know that's always been my way. As for Darla...I never meant for that to happen, Remus. Never.

I know you want nothing to do with me right now...but unfortunately Remus, it's not that easy. No matter what you say or do to me I am GOING to rescue those children. I know I owe you that, and there isn't a damn thing you or anyone can do to stop me!

I'm also sending Moody an owl asking him to teach for me for a month. He won't be thrilled, but at least he'll understand now that I'm actually DOING something.

So...we will no doubt cross paths again, Remus. You can't hide out from me forever. I know you will want those kids back and me? Well i can do THIS much for Darla anyway...she may have been deceptive but I did read that she loved you...

And you loved her.

Remus...I'm going to deliver this and wait for you. Just come after me. Do what you want with me. Hit me, curse me, BITE me, I don't care. Just get it over with. Let's TRY to find our way to the other side...if we can. At this point it's us against Voldemort...we HAVE to remember whose side we are on.

Remember love. I would never have killed her. I know my hand held the gun...but Snape made the switch. Trust me, I will make him pay for this.

I love you for all eternity. Regardless of what happens...

Sirius

Sirius,

What do you want me to do? Thank you? Tell you that I'm glad she's dead and that I can go back to being all yours and no one elses? No.

I told you I loved her. And you knew that she loved me. And yet that wasn't enough for you to believe in her. Indeed, it may have been too much for you to handle.

You killed her. I don't care what Snape did to aid it - you went in there with the intention of hurting her, and you succeeded.

I'm not an idiot Sirius. Okay, so maybe I was taken in by that charm; maybe I didn't recognise a pack of werewolves when I saw one, but I never fully trusted them. I told you that I was afraid they might kill you, didn't I? I knew that I was on dangerous ground with them at all times, whether I believed them to be real wolves or not. But Darla...I was never afraid with her. And she never wanted to deceive me.

That night, after you left, she pulled me aside and transformed right there in front of me. I was in shock. I transformed myself and asked her what the hell was going on - who she was, who they were. She told me that Voldemort had sent them after me (it was no accident that I "found" them), to try and bring me over to his side. And it was working. Darla getting pregnant to me - that wasn’t meant to happen, but the rest of them allowed it. They thought it would seal the deal. But as soon as I stopped taking Molly's potions, and when I saw you...

Darla saw you too...Saw us together…I told you that she liked to follow me…

She realised that I wasn't like the others. I wasn't some rogue werewolf that Voldemort just wanted to recruit, I was something else, something more important to his plans. Something pure, that he was going to great lengths to turn bad.

But she could see now that that wasn't likely to happen. No one who had as much love in them as I did for you could possibly be meant for Voldemort. She knew then, that when I made a promise to stay with her and protect her, I meant it. It wasn't the same empty lie that all the others had given to her time and time again. And when she saw me with you, she said she wasn't angry. I don't think she was even upset, because she knew that it didn't change anything. As much as I obviously loved you, she would still have a place in my heart. She knew my heart so well by then, it wasn't even a question.

The "other lover"? Is that seriously what you thought you would be to me Sirius? Even if I never saw you again, do you think I could ever put you to one side like that?

As for Tonks, Darla told me about her. She didn’t know that we were friends. They had met at the Three Broomsticks. Darla had followed me there one night in her human form. After everything she had revealed to me about the rest of the pack being in league with Voldemort, I suspected that she had been ordered to keep an eye on me. (And here I was thinking that she was just being curious). But I didn't ask her to confirm or deny that. It didn't seem important now.

Of course I didn't notice she was there - I'd never seen her like that before, how would I recognise her? But someone else noticed her. Tonks made the first move, did she tell you that? Oh, Darla had been quietly staring from across the room, but she didn't dare draw attention to herself. I had left by then, but something about Tonks had Darla transfixed, and vise-versa.

She confessed it all to me. Yes, she had planned to turn Tonks, but it had nothing to do with me, or what I might like. As a human, Darla was hardly interested in me for that sort of thing at all. I told you, it was only an animal attraction that brought us together. It was the love for the life we had created that kept us coming back.

Darla recognised you that night. She had seen you with Tonks once or twice. She realised that we must have all known each other, and she swore to me then and there that she wouldn't try to turn Tonks anymore (you can't blame her for wanting to take a more appropriate mate). You're cousin wasn't marked to be cursed by the time you saved her, Sirius. Not unless you count love as a curse, and I can tell you, the way things are going, I'm starting to.

I asked why it had taken her so long to tell me all this. Why was she telling me now? (She certainly didn't have to.) She said she was afraid. She knew that the rest of the pack wouldn't like her going behind their backs and exposing their secrets to me. It would jeopardize everything - months of subtly lulling me into Voldemort's employ, wasted. But she said she couldn’t lie back and let that happen to me anymore.

And that's when I lied to her. A bold-faced lie that will haunt me 'til the end of my days. I told her that I wouldn't let anything happen to her.

She believed it, too.

A few nights later, the puppies arrived. It was a full moon.

Darla decided that it would be quicker and easier for her to give birth as a wolf, and if the children were born as animals under the full moon, then they would become human when it set, just as we used to.

They were beautiful. Two tiny little things, a boy and a girl. All fur and whingeing. I'd never heard a more magical sound. And then when I saw them as human babies the next morning…heard them actually cry…just beautiful.

Darla and I thought we'd got away with it. The pack hadn't done anything out of the ordinary in the days leading up to the birth, and it was nothing strange for Darla to want to be alone during that. In the weeks that followed, they respected our privacy, and stayed away from us. We had no reason to believe that they suspected our plans.

Darla went into town a few times to visit Tonks and ask her for some blankets and things. She didn’t want to say that they were for my children. In fact, to avoid any suspicion, she said that her “husband” had taken the children away. She didn’t use my name. She thought that if Tonks knew I was involved, she would feel obligated to choose between us – choose where her loyalties lie. It was just easier this way…for everyone. At least, it was supposed to be.

The moon came again, and all of us transformed. We could travel faster together like that. I picked up one of the puppies in my mouth and carried her in the opposite direction of where we had left the pack. Darla grabbed the boy by the scruff and trotted after me. We thought we could make it out of there - take our babies somewhere safe. She didn't want them to serve the Dark Lord anymore than she wanted to do it herself. She wanted to be on the side of good, with me and Tonks. Even you. We thought we were going to get away, unseen…

And then Snape appeared.

We stopped in front of him...we didn't know what else to do. I dropped my daughter at Darla's feet and turned back to Snape. How did he know? I realised that we’d never been left alone at all. The others had been watching from the shadows, keeping him informed of our movements. I was angry, wary, but I wasn't even going to try and challenge him. I had way too much to lose.

I stared at him, unmoving, unblinking, trying to make some kind of silent bargain with him. He smirked at me, and held out his hand. I stepped back, but he motioned for me to come forward. I saw that his other hand was on his wand...

I stepped forward and let his fingers brush my head as though I were his faithful pet. There was no room for pride.

"Good boy." I ducked a little when he said that. Maybe some room for pride...

Darla was still behind me; still holding the puppies between her paws. All three of them were defenseless, and I knew I wouldn't fare much better against Snape, who was clearly on his guard this time.

"Why don't you stand and face me like a man, Remus?" He was taunting me. He made no effort to hide it. As long as my children were there, he knew that I wouldn't disobey him.

And so, with difficulty, I fought against the moon (the desire to remain a wolf is always so much stronger under the moon). Darla transformed as well. The first word out of her mouth was "Please..."

Snape sneered at us both. Darla, huddled over on her bare knees, shielding our still whingeing puppies beneath her arms. Me, standing before him, utterly exposed and exactly where he wanted me.

"Please..." Darla breathed again. Snape (who was busy looking me up and down) rolled his eyes at her interruption.

"I think it's time that you left the adults alone to their business," he said to her coldly, "Don't you?"

I hadn't really thought about it until he said it. She couldn't have been more than twenty-five...

He reached for his wand. I had no idea what he was going to do but I knew it wasn't going to be good.

"No!" I took a feeble lurch forward, but he hissed something under his breath - my feet stuck to the ground and I stumbled onto my knees. I looked up to see him aiming his wand at Darla...at the puppies... "NO!!"

I couldn't hear he spell over my own shouting, but as I looked back to see what he had done to her...she was gone. Vanished.

"Where did you send her!? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" Funny how my confidence returned, just as I was in the most vulnerable position yet.

"I sent her to visit your friend Sirius," he said. "It's what you wanted, isn't it? For her to be somewhere safe? What place could be safer than by your lover's side?"

...

I had no reason to trust him. But it would serve no purpose to distrust him. What good was she to him anyway? Just another werewolf…Why not simply believe that he had accepted my bargain?...at least in part (the puppies were still there, still in danger). I couldn't have known...Darla...

You're right. I would have gone to her if I could. But while you were with her, taking her life, I was with Snape, doing the only thing I could think of to try and save her...

And if you judge me for that...if you even dare...I will rip your still-beating heart from your chest, and I won't need to be in my wolf form when I do it. Do you understand me?

Good.

So Snape used us both, and now Darla is dead. I wonder why it was so easy for him to do that, Sirius? I wonder why you even had a gun in your hand, aimed at my Darla, when you knew full well that I trusted her?

And then you tell me that you cried for her. For me...Am I supposed to be impressed? Feel sorry for you? Am I supposed to be happy that, as well as taking her away from me, you wanted to kill yourself and leave me with nothing? And I thought I was a coward...

You say she attacked you...maybe you didn’t leave her any choice. Did you even listen to what she was trying to tell you? Or did you just hear what you wanted to hear? I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt – I don’t think she would have been very coherent. She was terrified when she left me and Snape. She would have been damn near hysterical by the time she got to you.

She must have been so scared, and with the moon there as well...I'm not surprised that she changed.

And yet she didn't hurt you. She didn't have a human mind at all, and still she didn't hurt you. She didn’t want to. She just wanted to get out of there…get back to me and the puppies. And you, not wanting her to leave, aiming a gun at her, fighting her back inside the house…

Snape must have sent her to Tonks' house, knowing that she would stay there long enough for you to conveniently stop by - knowing how you would react to her being there: shoot first, ask questions later. Pity he could predict you so accurately.

Why did you happen by, Sirius? Moody have a bad feeling? Someone dirty lurking around his precious girl? And of course it had to be Darla, seeing as she was one of those filthy, degenerate werewolves, incapable of love...and she’d stolen me away from you. What more proof did you need that she was evil?

You and Moody could eliminate the threat to me and Tonks both with one little stone, brilliant. But gee, Sirius, I don't suppose it could have been the dozen or so werewolves outside the house that were setting off the old man’s alarm bells, could it?; Wormtail maybe?

No. That was unfair. Snape would have made sure that they kept themselves well hidden until he showed up...until he was done with me...

He wasn't lying to you either.

He chained me up by magic to make sure I wouldn't try to follow him when he apparated. I even threatened to take my wolf form again and attack him if he didn’t give me some god damn answers, but he sedated me with the potion before I could...for all the good it would have done...

The last thing I remember seeing that night was Snape plucking my son and daughter off the forest floor...he smirked at me for a second, and then all three of them were gone. To Voldemort, if what those wolves told you was true.

When I woke up the next morning, I was crumpled at the base of the tree where Snape had left me. The chains were gone, and in their wake was a piece of parchment. I picked it up and unfurled it. It was a perfect sketch...Darla...the silver bullet...He must have taken the image straight from his memory and magicked it onto the paper...and a message:

"It appears Sirius' side is not the safest place after all."

...

When I sat down to reply to your letter, I knew that this was either going to be very short or very long. I'd either have nothing to say to you, or say I'd everything, whether I'd regret it later or not. You can guess which one it ended up.

I believe you when you say that you didn't mean for it to happen, but I can't believe that you didn't want it to. Whether it was for my good or Tonks’, or to sate your own ego - you wanted Darla dead. That is going to take some getting used to. But as I said before, where my children are concerned, there is no room for pride - yours or mine. If Voldemort has them, then I will get them back. And if you want to help me do it, I won't say no. Just realise that you're working with damaged goods in me, and we are not okay.

And if you say one word about Snape - one word...well. I can't very well be stolen away from a dead man, can I?


Remus.

Remus

You dare…you bleeding dare, to call me a coward after all you put me through in the past several months?? YOU, who not only deliberately KILLED that man that I knew, that I loved, you know, the one that saved me from Snape and Wormtail and knew what was going on….you deliberately destroyed him, Remus, don’t lie to me about it and you lecture ME about suicide??? Yes, that moment when I put the gun in my mouth was not my finest….at this time, I have no idea why I bothered, although one thing is for sure, I never thought I’d be grateful to Snivellus.

Don’t you even DARE to threaten me, Remus. I don’t give a god damn WHAT you do with Snape now. At least not the way I feel at this moment...trust me, everything you read here is anger and grief talking, not something to concern yourself with. If the Remus I love is still in there, you will understand.

How you coudl talk about "filthy degenerate werewolves" like that...dammit I am in LOVE with one of those "degenerate werewolves..." Oh, I don't even know what to say about that, I know you are just angry and in grief. But that was below the belt.

You knew all about Darla, knew she was a werewolf, knew the PACK were werewolves…she transformed in front of you, you KNEW, Remus…and you didn’t even tell me. You had a whole bleeding month, but you kept it all to yourself. Darla was on OUR side and you didn’t even say a god damn word to me!! She didn’t want to turn Tonks in the end, and you dind’t tell Moody, Tonks OR me until it was too late! Why? WHY?? Scared? Scared my “achy breaky heart” would make me do something stupid? If you really believe I have it in me to be an outright murderer, obviously you don’t trust me, that much is F**KING true.

You tell me you loved her, like that is supposed to be enough for me?? Like I’m supposed to be touched?? When I didn’t bleeding know hardly anything about her other than she was a wolf, NOT a werewolf but an actual wolf carrying YOUR PUPPIES?? How DARE you withhold information that could help not ONLY me and our slowly discintegrating love, but the damn WAR, Remus! But no…all you cared about was running away, you, Darla and the puppies, running away without a word to anyone even me, who you were supposed to trust!

And you dare to give me grief about thinking I would be the “other lover?” Gee, Remus, after how you’ve been treating me the last few months, bar that letter after our night together when it SEEMED you were starting to come back…what the bloody hell did you expect?
It's easy for you to tell yourself, isn't it, that I wanted Darla dead. Me and my little jealous snit talking...oh sure, I planned it, schemed it for months, didn't I tell you?

Let me explain again, since you seemed to have gone deaf. The idea of the stone from the gun was to STUN the girl, stun her and then wake her up so that Moody and I could interview her about what the HELL she was about. Thanks to YOU not TELLING us what the hell she was about WHAT the hell were we supposed to do?? Do you even realize she would be alive today if you hadn’t withheld that information, Remus? Chew on THAT along with your other wounds.

I was upset when you told me about the connection you two shared because I'd missed you for so damn long, well what the hell do you expect?? At least, even with all the shit I'VE been through, I never lost my INTEGRITY except for that one moment when I put the damn gun in my mouth...but I DID get back(yes, thanks to Snivelus and Moody not putting any more in that gun, but I STILL came back). As for umm, killing Darla, when I pulled that trigger I thought it was the damn Stone. SNIVELUS killed her, Remus. If you want to see his side of things you just go right the hell ahead. You....you fell completely apart, i mean you just totally caved in, Remus, there is nothing admirable about that anymore...I thought you were getting in touch with your wolf side and embracing it, but no, that was an escape, just a pitiful excuse to escape this war and the fear that it would end up with all of us dead along with james and lily...don't deny it, you got scared, Remus, and you ran away, God, you ran totally away, not TO the wolves, but away from me!!! Guess you couldn't deal with our relationship now that I'm free huh, it was easier when no one could see me, well...then again...never mind, this is getting too much off the subject.

After all this, Remus, NOTHING you do surprises me anymore. So you can take that nice little threat and...well do whatever the hell you want with it. But come near me, Remus with any kind of violence...well let's just say, we've been here before, why should it surprise me?? HOW many times has Padfoot and Moony gone at it?? More times than I can count.

Yes, I will honor my promise to you. I'll at least do THAT much for Darla if only to show you I didn't want her dead. If you take nothing else from this letter…at least take the fact that YOU were the only one that could have saved Darla, Remus. Point in fact…perhaps you were the one who killed her after all, alongside Snape.

That was cruel, I know. But after all you said to me? I don’t care. Your negligence killed something in me too, Remus, something that was very much alive until I saw her lying there sightless. And YOU talk about damaged goods??

You have no idea.

I have to go, Remus. I'm right outside Voldemort's door in fact. I can hear the children crying…they’re safe. For now. I’m done telling you off, let me do something important for once. I wrote this damn letter all during my travels here on a bloody broom...never mind the damn owl, Harry lent me the cloak. But...time to go.


Sirius

Remus

I just wanted to tell you, the children are safe. They are with Hagrid.

I went through a considerable amount of trouble to save them, but it was all worth it. Yes, even my integrity was a bit compromised, but it was on Dumbledore's orders, and it even came with Harry's approval which yes, shocked me but at this point? We can't afford to pick and choose.

Something else....Wormtail is no more. At least the Wormtail we knew and hated. It seems he ran afoul of a group of Dementors while chasing me around in my attempt to get at Voldemort...well. Need I say more?

I'm only telling you this becauase I know you will want to come and collect your kids. Whether you, as you had originally planned with Darla, run away with them and never see either of us again...or stay, be strong and raise them with me, try again despite all that's happened...that is up to you. For now...you will know where they are. If ever you are ready to trust me again, I will regale you with the grisly tale of my fight with Voldemort.

God, I'm hanging around Dumbledore entirely too much...

Your children are, as you said, beautiful. Nothing of Darla in them, but plenty of you with the brown hair and the big eyes...both of them look quite alike. It reminds me of when we were boys together, looking at that little boy...

And of course, you can imagine how tickled Hagrid is to have them.

Take care, Remus Lupin. If I never see you again...remember that regardless of all that's passed between us, I never knew a love such as you.

Sirius

Sirius,

I'm sorry.

The things I said to you...I think you understand that most of that was grief. A lot of it was arrogance.

Of course, I know more than you; YOU who are actually still in the fight; YOU who haven't turned your back on it, and haven't forgotten to reckognise the signs of evil.

I've had time to think about this now. And, although I don't want to believe it...although I will never let my children believe it...I think you were right about Darla.

You don't need to hear this, but I need to say it. There were too many harmless lies - too many half truths. Too much she wanted me to keep from you. I can't believe that I ever trusted her word over yours.

If I want to, I can still believe that she was innocent. That's what I'll say when they ask what their mother was like. I'll tell them that she died trying to protect them. I'll say that any action you carried out...you were only trying to protect them too. I know that now. I don't know how I could have ever doubted it.

I was angry Sirius. Angry at you (and a part of me is still, I can't deny that), angry at myself for being so easily played. Snape knew what he was doing, sending Darla to you. He knew that she'd be no safer...that my sacrifice would mean nothing...Nothing but pain for both of us. But that, Sirius, I can not regret. If I had even a chance of saving her...If she herself had a chance of being saved from the darkness...

Voldemort said that Darla was never ours. I was there, with him, as he held my children captive. I was impatient, and didn't wait for your response. I tracked that bastard down myself.

I went back to the wolves. They had no qualms in presenting me to their Dark Lord. Afterall, that had been the intention all along, hadn't it? That I would join him?

Maybe they thought that this would be enough to break me. Destroy my family, shatter my faith in you, and degrade me so far that I could not possibly stand up and say that I was a man worthy of opposing them. They thought I was so broken, that they could mend me in whatever form they liked. Not so.

I was still thinking. Darla's lies, all the ones I thought were harmless and for our own protection...they were all designed to get me to betray you. And I followed every direction she gave me. Every direction they gave her.

I have to believe there was good in her, Sirius. I felt it. No false magic could fool me into feeling the strength of her soul as I did. They may have used her against me - against us - but...I have to believe that she didn't want it to be that way. Not completely. She knew all along that she was leading me into a trap, but...Snape...

He told me, when it became apparant that my faith in you remained (I had thought it all over a great deal on my journey to Voldemort), that Darla never loved me. Everything she ever said or did was masterminded by him, with Voldemort's approval. It was his revenge on me for rejecting him, I think. To turn me away from you and towards Voldemort. I couldn't imagine a more desolate existence.

And Snape had his fun. Voldemort was indifferent about that. Voldemort just wanted a new spy, now that you and the others are onto Severus. He wanted me to return to you, trick you, and destroy you. I would die before I did that. And now that I've remembered what I have to live for, that promise does not come lightly.

And there was more.

They wanted me to be their new spy, yes, but that didn't mean they had no power within the order already. Molly...I knew it made no sense that she should be in love with me. And even if she were...Molly do those things to me? No sense whatsoever.

That night I escaped as a werewolf from Grimmuld Place. Snape had tampered with the potion, but someone else had loosed me onto the streets. Arthur and Molly were the only ones in the house. It took me this long to join the dots and realise what had happened.

They've been controlling her. Another Imperius. You didn't get the chance to charm her. And it was already too late if you did. Thankfully, not for me.

Do you know that Voldemort still couldn't touch my mind, because of the protection you gave me? Yes, Sirius, YOUR spell has staved off the most powerful wizard of all time! Amazing, isn't it? Perhaps not. Dumbledore's always on at Harry about the power of love...Ours was stronger than anything back then. I hope that it will be again.

I heard a commotion, as Snape was still spinning his sickenning tale with glee (I was ignoring it by now). The death eaters ran towards it. I wonder if it was you, rescuing my children? I thank you for that.

I couldn't take my chances any longer. I told you I had to live...have to live...

I turned wolf and ran. I think Voldemort let me go. I can't imagine that I'd have escaped as easily as I did if he hadn't.

I say easy, but there were some Death Eater's to deal with. Idiots, mostly. They must have been new. He's gathering new supporters after all this time. Incredible.

I dodged them with barely a trouble.

I knew that Voldemort had no interesting in killing the babies. Even without knowing that you had intervened, I would have been relatively confident in there safety for the time being. He obviously values them...I was sure that if I ran, that I and they would live to fight the army's of Hell another day.

There were Dementors outside his lair. Maybe he thought that they would bring me back. I thought of you. I was running on all fours, and had no wand, but I thought of you. As chilled as I was, I made it past them. I kept you with me, my inbuilt Patronus, and kept charging on. They followed me...as did Peter. I hadn't seen him before, but Voldemort must have sent him after me when it finally occurred to them that I actually was escaping...I lost the Dementors first. I didn't even see what happend to Peter. I heard a scream. I kept running for a minute, but then I had to look back. The Dementors had lost all interest in me. They must have got the scent of something weaker to prey on...

I've since visited Hagrid, my babies. I admit, I was a little worried when you told me that they were with him. They are relatively human babies, afterall. I don't know that Hagrid's had much experience with that particular breed of little monster. But they seem happy and healthy. I owe both him and you a great debt for that.

I'll leave this note for you with him. Heck, maybe I'll leave myself with it too, and watch you read it with my own eyes. I'm tired of running from you Sirius. If you'll forgive me for everything I've put you through...I just want to be with you. I just want to put this nightmare behind us, and move on, as a family. Perhaps Hagrid won't mind going for a stroll around the grounds - let the children get reacquainted with their real fathers...let the fathers get reacquainted with each other...

I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you, Sirius Black. Don't let any amount of tempremental craziness tell you different.


Remus.

Remus

What a night. What a glorious, fabulous night.

Bless Hagrid for leaving us be, bless Olympe Maxime for answering my summons and coming to collect him. Bless the whole world...for now.

Of course I forgive you. I knew you didn't mean those things. It was all the circumstances that collided with us, threatened to overpower us...but let's leave that off for now. For now...I just want some peace with you. We can talk about the rest later.

I'm leaving this letter with your sleeping form(your face looks so angelic when asleep...makes me want to wake you up and corrupt you with my devilish ways...)

Blimey, if I didn't have to teach today....

It seems that romance is in the air right now. Has Hagrid told you about...Harry and Draco?

Yes, Draco seems to have accepted the idea that he is not a bad person, and NOT meant to be on Voldemort's side. He seems to have developed a newfound respect for me, in fact he's my best student. As for him and Harry...well, it jsut sort of happened, of course they say love and hate are intertwined. I daresay, Ron was rather shocked, as was Hermione, but they got over it fast enough, and Draco is all over himself apologizing to both of them for all the horrible names he called them for years. The four of them seem to have developed a close friendship. I can't say how happy this makes me.

In all the excitement, I forgot to tell you who is Head of Slytherin now. None other than dear Cousin Narcissa. Guess who ELSE has joined the ranks of good?

She's taken over Snape's old teaching position and as Head of House. Apparently she and Dumbledore have been corresponding quite a lot over the last year. According to her, Lucius bullied her quite a bit, so she HAD to play along, although I won't lie, it took some doing for me to trust her. In the end, however, she proved to be quite a good friend to me, better even than Tonks and Moody if that can be believed.

Remus, it is so good to have you back with me. Believe you me, I intend to make the most of this next week or so. Then...it is back to the war. Back to fighting, back to all kinds of things. Right now, Voldemort is considerably weak, thanks to me AND you...but he won't stay weak for long. Harry is insisting that he go on alone to fight Voldemort, still...because of that flaming prophecy...but at this point there are so many people in his life, he can't turn them away even if he wanted to.

He's here now, as I'm writing this...I have relocated to the next room to let you sleep. Harry is playing with the kids, whom he believes should be called Lily and James. He thinks they would rather like that.

What do you think, my love?

Even in my anger at you, Remus, you reminded me what made me love you. Like Dumbledore, you are so determined to see the good in others. Even when others cannot always see it in themselves...funny, you used to say this about Lily, but it's more true about you than either of us. That is why I could not stop loving you, even then. I would never stop loving you.

Let us now put the past behind us. Voldemort and Snivelus are rather incapacitated as of now, Wormtail is no more...let us celebrate what we do have. Two lovely children, a great family that is the Order, and each other. I love you, Remus. I always will.

I'll see you tonight. Then, in a week, I must away...we have each been given separate missions...it's just safer that way. Voldemort was considerably weakened that night of the children's rescue because of our love...no doubt when he comes back to himself he will do everything in his power to thwart that. Dumbledore thinks when we are fighting him, we should be separate...he thinks it's safer for the children. I actually disagree with him and am trying to negotiate with him even as we speak...

I still owe you an explanation about that night the children were rescued, what happened to make Voldemort so weak with you, as well as everything else that happened. But...later, my love. For now...let us enjoy the week.

Love always

Sirius

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